


Revisiting "My Motherfucking Best Friend"

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Child-on-child sexual abuse, Drug recovery, Fanfiction Discussion, Fanfiction Review, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not an actual fanfic, Self-Sporking, Troll Romance, from 2011
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-10-14 12:34:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 24
Words: 76,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10536573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: A self-sporking of the author's 2011 infamous old shameMy Motherfucking Best Friendand the seriesHot Mess.





	1. Introduction and Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [My Motherfucking Best Friend](https://archiveofourown.org/works/212838) by [FailureArtist](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: dubcon and drugs in quoted fic.

# Introduction to MMFBF

It was back in May of 2011. In the comic, Gamzee had gone from harmless stoner to murderer, seemingly all due to lack of sopor slime. The Great Papping was a long way off. Gamzee/Tavros was insanely popular, even though it hadn't been revealed yet that Gamzee hit on Tavros.

I had been reading the comic since the End of Act 1, when the strange flash of a young boy being menaced by a meteorite sparked my curiosity. It wasn't until Act 5 I started making fanwork of my own. I had been doing little fills on homesmut, but this fic was my first big fill. The prompt

> _Topic: (stoned)Gamzee is everyone's bitch_
> 
> _Subject:...because letting people fuck him is the only way he knows of getting people to tolerate having him around. I want to see some angst with a Gamzee who is clingy and will do almost anything to not be abandoned. Since he's rarely lucid enough to get this across, everyone just thinks he's a slut._  
>    
>  _Any other details are up the you; could be an AU where Sgrub never happened, could in the veil before he's sober. I'm not picky about pairings :D._

I had never thought much about Gamzee before. When first introduced, I simply found him annoying. However, this interpretation of Gamzee intrigued me. I started writing and I fell madly in love with him. This love has remained with me through all tests. I'm not sure if and how I'm like Gamzee, yet I still feel connected to him. I feel like I put some of myself in Gamzee in this fic, namely my sexual acting out plus the pull between my need for help and my hate of bothering people.

I paired Karkat with Gamzee in this fic simply because I thought Karkat was the type of person to take on such a task. I might have been the first person to ship Gamzee<>Karkat. I didn't expect the ship would be canon. I don't like the ship much anymore. Karkat has shown himself not to be up to the job.

I was proud of this fic and I got good response on homesmut and AO3. Then, one day on 4chan's fantroll thread, I posted a sprite of a minor character from the fic. The 4channers, already irritated at me for my endless spamming of eXperiment Aradia Continuation, thought I was up to my old tricks. The 4channers called MMFBF cliched, unrealistic, and OOC, something a twelve year old might write after watching Trainspotting. I was surprised to hear people didn't like the fic and I asked for more critic but they told me to stop talking about it. I got annoyed and said sarcastically that I guess I was too stupid to get their criticism. They said if I wasn't a twelve year old I was certainly acting like one. They said I knew nothing about drugs or clingy relationships. (I wish I had pointed out I went to a school for needy drug addicts) In a rage, I deleted the story off of homesmut and AO3 but a 4channer passed it along. (I anonymously accused the person with the saved story file of being my own sockpuppet in what is the weirdest thing I have ever done on the internet) Eventually, I re-uploaded the story on AO3 (along with a bunch of other stories I deleted in a mania), but the homesmut thread is still marred by “deleted post”.

My mental state, exacerbated by the summer sun, grew worse and when my mania was too much, I checked myself into a hospital. I wrote a chapter of MMFBF in there. When I got out, my father put child protection software on my laptop and since I had no smartphone, that meant no internet. Still, I went to the library and transcribed the last few chapters of MMFBF on their computers. I wrapped up the story out of exhaustion.

I wrote a few side stories in the same AU and called it “Hot Mess”. My only really fully-fleshed OC comes from this verse. Eventually, I moved on to other things and put MMFBF squarely in the “old shame” pile. I decided it was melodramatic maudlin shit.

Now that Homestuck is over, I want to look back at the fic that started a new era in my life. It'll be full of a lot of cringe but I hope there will be some gems. Join me.

The quoted text will be in both italics and indent for easy reading. Parts will be summarized for a quicker read.

 

 

#  [Chapter 1](http://archiveofourown.org/works/212838/chapters/319298)

 

> _Title: My Motherfucking Best Friend_

 

The title on homesmut was “depressing slut!Gamzee story” and my doc name was “Gamzee is a slut” but thankfully I came up with this name.

Summary:

> _wHoOoOoA hOw DiD tHiS rEtUrN fRoM tHe DeAd? It'S a MoThErFuCkInG mIrAcLe!_

> _Actual summary: Gamzee turns promiscuous and goes deeper into drug addiction, and Karkat tries to save him._

As I said before, I deleted this and re-uploaded it. The other fics I re-uploaded have similar jokes in their summary.

  * _Hurt/Comfort_
  * _Drugs_

  * _Recovery_

  * _Older AU_

  * _Non-Sgrub AU_

  * _repost_

  * _Kink Meme_

  * _Moirallegiance_

  * _Dubious Consent_




 

Rather minimalist tag list but I think that was normal on AO3 at the time. Now people have two pages of tags and 90% are stuff like “lol so gay”

> _Gamzee couldn’t remember the name of the troll currently hugging him. It didn’t matter. He called them all his “mOtHeRfUcKiNg BeSt FrIeNd” and they all seemed to get a kick out of it. Some of them even laughed. He liked when people laughed. He liked to amuse people._
> 
> _The troll on top of him was large and burly and even though he was nowhere close on the hemospectrum to purple, he smelled of sea salt. Gamzee liked trolls who smelled of salt. It made him feel so warm inside and oh, this troll’s body was so warm. The troll, his motherfucking best friend, was holding him so tight. He just kept pulling him into a hug, over and over. His friend said such wonderful things, Gamzee couldn’t figure out what they were, but he knew they were compliments._

 

And so it begins with this seemingly innocent scene.

 

> _“Oh ggod,” his best friend ever grunted, “how do you stay so fuckingg tigght?”_  
>  _“I’m just hella tight I guess,” Gamzee mumbled back._  
>  _His best friend laughed at the unexpected reply._  
>  _“Wow, talkingg aggain? I would have thougght you dead if it weren’t for the way you’re milkingg my bone bulgge.”_
> 
> _“Bulge a funny word,” he slurred._  
>  _“You’re a funny gguy.”_  
>  _Gamzee smiled even wider. He had forgotten his best motherfucking friend’s bone bulge was in his nook. He only felt a mild soreness from there. It had been a long night with many pies._

  
BUT IT TURNS OUT TO BE NOT SO INNOCENT OH HO HO. This scene is quite cringe-worthy.

  
Both male and female trolls have nooks and bulges in this fic, though I think another story in this verse has female bone bulges be smaller than males. Back when this was written, this wasn't ubiquitous. Probably the majority of fanfics in this early era had human genitals. Then came fanfics with bulges and nooks for everyone, though those bulges were stiff. I wrote [a Gamzee/Kanaya/Tavros story](http://archiveofourown.org/works/220073) (yes, really) with this, though I came up with it independently. Some fan out there watched too much 90s hentai and tentabulges were born. I read a fairly recent fanfic where a male troll had XY human genitalia (including a foreskin) and a reader expressed surprise since they thought tentacles were canon. In reality, we don't know exactly what troll genitals looks like and probably never will. Possibly “nook” means butt and not vagina.

 

> _Gamzee grabbed the troll’s ankle._  
>  _“Don’t leave me…”_  
>  _The older troll looked down and sighed._  
>  _“You’re always like this near dawn. Why can ’t I ever visit you earlier?”_  
>  _“Please visit me…”_  
>  _“I’ll stop visitingg you if you keep this up, and I’ll tell all my friends to stop visitingg you.”_  
>  _Gamzee pulled more. His friend kicked him in the head._  
>  _“You ggoddamn nookpanned slut, have a fayggo and forgget all this.”_  
>  _The stoner fell back again. He listened to the sound of his friend leaving until it disappeared. He stared at the ceiling. He felt sad, but he couldn’t remember why._

  
Poor poor Gamzee, being stuck in a fanfic with this one-dimensional bully.

  
I forgot to capitalize Faygo even though it's a brand name. That's one of my pet peeves too.

  
It's a short chapter, but it was a livejournal port. I have to say it is at least a chapter that pulls readers in if only so they can laugh at the melodrama.

Tomorrow : Karkat enters the story.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: bodily fluids, off-screen sex abuse, drugs

 

#  [Chapter 2](http://archiveofourown.org/works/212838/chapters/319299)

This chapter is from Karkat's POV.

 

> _Karkat Vantas snuck around the back of Gamzee’s hive, clenching his sickle tight. He looked around constantly. It was dangerous to be out in the open on the beach. There was no cover for him except the hive, and a highblood might take offense at him even being near it.  Highbloods liked to take offense in everything, and his anonymous grey just made them assume he was a lowblood. Karkat was terrified, he was tired from his trip, and he had planned it so badly he was now in danger of being caught in the sun. Still, it was worth it. He needed to be there for his friend._

 

Brave Knight Karkat. Remember when he carried about Gamzee, or anyone other than Dave?

 

> _Karkat had grown apart from Gamzee over the seasons. There was a whole group of friends he didn’t hear much from anymore. They were closer when they were all five solar sweeps, at least as close as a group of disparate trolls could be. A series of accidents pushed them apart a little and time did the rest. Karkat was still best friends with Sollux, but he didn’t hear any gossip about the rest of the gang from the introverted troll. Karkat didn’t mind; he was sad to say he cared more about celebrity gossip than about news of his friends._

 Now this is in-character for Karkat. Aradia later appears with Sollux, the two being moirails, so Karkat isn't that alone.

 

> _That changed when Karkat received an email from terminallyCapricious. The email was barely a letter at all. Not one sentence made any sense. Karkat couldn’t tell if he was trying to tell him he’d been kidnapped or trying to give him a recipe for pie._

 Ha ha ha pie recipe ha ha.

 

>   _Karkat asked Sollux if he had heard any news about Gamzee. After prying it out of him, Sollux admitted he had heard Gamzee was a hot mess. He didn’t go any further._

 How does Sollux know what's going on with Gamzee?

So, Karkat cases Maison d'Gamzee and worries someone took over the hive. The green-blood troll leaves and if you want any more description than his size you are out of luck. He leaves the story forever, only showing up as a dead body in the AU of this AU “kneeling FOR YOU”.

 

> _Karkat forgot his carefulness and threw open the door.  He didn’t see Gamzee immediately, so he panicked. He then noticed the outlay of the hive had changed.  The respiteblock must have been moved from the foyer. He slowly walked sideways up the stairs, sickle in hand.  He saw a door that looked li ke it might be the right one. He opened the door a few inches. He saw a naked troll lying on a pile of clothes. When he saw the distinctive horns he threw open the door and ran over to the body._

 Layout changed to make the scene more dramatic. You'd think if Gamzee was such a mess, he wouldn't go through the effort of moving his respiteblock.

 Whose clothes are those?

 

> _[Gamzee] hadn’t grown that much in the intervening time. He had been tall for a five solar sweep troll, but now that puberty had caught up with the rest of his generation he was now comparatively small._

 The rare small!Zee. Even when I write him this way, I have a hard time imagining it.

 

>   _Karkat looked at his face. There was no makeup, but he couldn’t tell if it was because Gamzee had stopped wearing it or because it smeared off. He still had his old religious posters, though the colors had faded. Without his makeup, the bags under his eyes were so dark._

 I guess wearing clown paint does interfere with the sexing. Don't want a white ring around your troll dick.

 The line about religious posters is a bit of a change of subject. It should have been moved.

 Which brings the question of why did Gamzee move the posters if he was going to neglect them.

 Karkat both checks Gamzee's eyes and his pulse. Gamzee says his first line to Karkat:

 

> _“Hey, my motherfucking best friend, whatca doing?”_
> 
> _“Taking your pulse,” Karkat said, “I can’t do it while you’re talking.”_
> 
>   
>  _“Okay, you can do whatever you want.”_

 

That should be “whatcha”. How is “whatca” pronounced?

 

> _[Karkat] dug through the pile of clothes so he could put one arm under Gamzee’s knee and the other behind Gamzee’s neck._

 

Is that the best way to pick up someone?

 

> _[Karkat] stumbled to the closest door he could find and kicked it open. Luckily, it turned out to be the hygieneblock._

 

In the previously mentioned [kneeling FOR YOU](http://archiveofourown.org/works/268907), Gamzee's future palemate Equius can't figure his way around Gamzee's hive so easily. Karkat knowing is symbolic of their true connection.

 

> _[Karkat] tried to gently place the body in the ablation trap, but only managed to drop it._

 

Karkat would have better luck if he put “it” i(did Gamzee just die?) in the ablution trap instead of a trap for the removal of tissue or snow.

 

> _Karkat turned on the water and went to the cabinet to take anything useful he could find. He found some green muffins, unmarked bottles, and other dubious things, but he did find a bar of soap and a washcloth._

 

Green muffins: either an alternative way to eat sopor or just really old muffins. What are these dubious things? I guess an injection kit for troll heroin.

 

> _[Karkat] realized he had accidentally dropped some clothes in the [bathtub]. He took out a floating black mass and saw it was a pair of female panties._

 

The implication is one of Gamzee's lady loves dropped that behind instead of Gamzee taking up the healthy sport of crossdressing.

 

> _Karkat looked over at Gamzee’s respiteblock. What had he been doing? It hadn’t been a condiment party in there._

 

Gamzee's nook is just splattered with spluge. Might Karkat worry several people were killed in there? How easy is it to tell the difference between blood and spluge?

Karkat examines Gamzee:

 

> _His inflamed nook was filled with a brownish slurry of various genetic material. There was even a tra il of it going from the pile to the trap._

 

I guess in this verse trolls come more than the average human but less than a bucket. No inflated stomachs here.

 

> _[Karkat] saw the bone bulge wasn’t intact either. There was a dark purple ring around the base. Someone had tied a string around it to keep it hard. He cursed trolldom and its lack of ethics for the millionth time that night._

 Pffft.

 Evidence that this is a world where bone bulges work like human penises, as in you can keep them hard by tying string around them. Wait, does that work for human penises?

 

> _Karkat leaned further into the trap to clean Gamzee’s body when he felt something warm and wet on his neck. He turned to see Gamzee with his huge tongue lolling out._

:P P: :P

 

> _“You like me licking yo neck?” [Gamzee] said._  
>  _“No I don’t like you licking my fucking neck!”_  
>  _Gamzee frowned, and then his tongue moved down to Karkat’s shoulder and dangerously close t o his vestigial thorax openings. Karkat pulled away._  
>  _“You don’t like my licking?” Gamzee asked, “But everyone likes my licking.”_

 Gamzee first reaction is to anyone is sexing. This is creepy.

 

> _Karkat looked at Gamzee’s sad face and down at his own uncovered chest. He had given him the wrong impression. Hell, Karkat had the wrong impression himself. He had thought Gamzee had been raped but the truth looked much more complicated._

 Given how lucid Gamzee is in this scene, it was rape. But Karkat blames the victim.

 

>   _Karkat shot off, “Did you have sex? Who did you have sex with? How many trolls? Why did you fuck so many trolls?”_

 4chan found this line particularly amusing,

 

> _Karkat wanted to despise the troll for bringing this upon himself, for being so disgusting and perverse, but he couldn’t. He just felt pity. He had a feeling of it on the way here, but now he knew he definitely felt pale for Gamzee. He would have to wait for his moirail to sober up to propose anything, but he was sure this was fate. This was just like a scene from one of his movies! It was so romantic._
> 
>   
>  _Then Gamzee vomited on him._

 Wah-wah-wah. Wouldn't be a failure-artist story without vomiting.

 

> _[Karkat] was surprised that the stoner wasn’t as unkempt as he would have thought. Sure, he was dirty, but it was just one night’s worth of dirt. This sounded reassuring until Karkat realized his “friends” probably took care of his hygiene just so he would be a better sexual partner. Karkat felt strange bathing Gamzee now. No wonder he just assumed his best friend wanted to make out with him in the trap._

 Gamzee's been “bathed and brought to me” many times, even in his own home!

 Karkat takes Gamzee out of the tub and puts him in a cocoon of towels.

 

 

> _Karkat was suddenly worried the poor troll would have daymares, until he remembered that high levels of sopor slime ingestion suppress dreaming._

 Never said in canon, though canon never explains sopor slime at all, to the point that everyone forgets recuperacoons exist.

 

 

>   _[Karkat] also remembered to turn him on his side in case the troll vomited._

 Actually accurate medical information!

 So, Karkat goes to sleep next to his moirail and the chapter ends. Karkat has shown himself to be a wonderful person to Gamzee, despite Karkat's later canon indifference to Vriska's torture (I'M SO BITTER). Gamzee is far more than simply a "hot mess" to the point of being grimdark. Tomorrow, we see Gamzee's point of view.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: drugs, aftermath of sexual abuse, bodily fluid mention

 

###  [Chapter 3](http://archiveofourown.org/works/212838/chapters/319303)

  
Gamzee's POV: he's hungover like a motherfucker. Or jonesing. Or both.

>   
>  _Gamzee opened his eyes to the blinding light. He thought it was the middle of the day until he realize, no, it was much worse, it was night time._

  
That should be “it was much worse: it was night time.”

>   
>  _His eyes were just incredibly sensitive. That wasn’t the only thing that was sensitive. His whole body hurt, but what hurt most was his stretched-out nook. It felt like he’d sat down on one of his clubs. What had he done last night? Fuck, he knew what he had done last night. He couldn’t really remember, but he could easily guess: he’d done a bakery’s worth of slime and let every troll in the sector fuck him. The same thing he did every night._

  
I like the phrase “bakery's worth of slime”.

  
Where did the sector full of trolls go? Did they just go in and out (of the hive) all night?

>   
>  _When he tried to remember his orgies, it felt like it wasn’t really him doing all that, but some inconsiderate asshole temporarily inhabiting his body. The stoned Gamzee would have his fill of sopor slime and genetic material, pass out with a smile on his face, and leave hungover-as-a-motherfucker Gamzee to clean up the mess. He wished he could strangle stoned Gamzee._

  
The double personality Gamzee. Note the method of murder.

  
Gamzee is a combination of hungover and jonesing when Karkat comes in.

>   
>  _Gamzee knew right away that this guy was not a new face. He recognized him, though he had changed a bit throughout the years. He just couldn’t remember the name. It began with a K…Kitten? What a stupid name._

  
If I was writing this today, it would be “Karkles” since I'm so done with that fanon nickname. I can't remember why I chose “Kitten”. A Take That at my brother?

>   
>  _[Gamzee] just knew he hated the guy, not in a sexy way but in a why-the-fuck-did-you-bother-coming-around way. He saw the bowl of porridgemeal in the mystery troll’s hand and knew why he felt that way. He was one of those guys._

  
Interesting that Gamzee's first reaction is loathing (unadulterated loathing!).  


Why is the food called “porridgemeal”? That doesn't fit with troll naming schemes.  


> _You would think he would hate the trolls who just left him right after pailing, but he didn’t mind them. Sure, stoned Gamzee would cry and beg them not to leave, but sober Gamzee never had to see their faces and that was fine with him. It was the ones who stuck around till the next evening that really struck a nerve. They thought they were being nice. They did act nice. They made sure he wasn’t dead or sick. They’d wipe off the genetic material, maybe get him to a proper bucket or at least a toilet, and wash him off in the bathtub. They’d wait with him until he woke up and they would give him a hot meal. But while his face was stuffed with food, they’d very carefully explain how they couldn’t be with him. It usually was red romance they preemptively turned down, no matter how black the sex had been earlier. They’d tell him they had a matesprit or a kismesis or both. Some times they’d explain how rocky their relationships were going but how they really planned to work this one out, really! Sober Gamzee had better memory. He knew they each gave the same clown-damn speech every time. The only thing that changed was the names of their real, true partners. Gamzee had to sit still and be rejected over and over._

  
I like this paragraph. It fleshes out the nameless mass of people obsessed with getting down with the clown.

  
Gamzee reacts to this display of what he thinks is false affection by grabbing Karkat's shirt and yelling at him.

>   
>  _“What the fuck was that about?” the troll yelled, “I’m trying to be nice!”_   
>  _“I’m tired of you nice ass motherfuckers,” Gamzee snarled, “Don’t give me no rap about your mating life.”_   
>  _“What are you talking about?”_
> 
> _“You’re gonna tell me we can’t be all lovey-hatey together forever, when I know you just came here to get your motherfucking pail on.”_
> 
> _“I didn’t come here to have sex with you. I haven’t ever had sex with you!”_   
>  _Gamzee laughed. “Is that the new line you ninjas are using? You thinking ‘This guy has holes in his think pan, I can tell him anything I want and he’ll swallow that shit’? It ain’t going work on this clearheaded motherfucker.”_

  
Gamzee should take people to task more often. Sadly, this time he has the wrong target.

> _He grabbed the motherfucker’s shirt again and pulled it toward his crotch._   
>  _“I’m naked and my junk is on fire. Someone has to be responsible and I don’t see anyone else. The only question here is did you take the bulge or the nook.”_

  
I think many someones are responsible.

>   
>  _“You probably had your face pressed in there last night. You grabbed my heaving bone bulge like it was a telephone and you ordered a number 69.” Gamzee laughed at his own joke, though he didn’t get it._

  
I wonder what meaning 69 has to trolls, given that it was declared taboo centuries ago.

>   
>  _“You dumpass, I’m not interested in sex, I came here to help you!”_

  
Dumpass? *sighs*  


> _Gamzee snorted. “You can ‘help’ me by getting me a big ass pie.”_   
>  _The unwelcome guest crossed his arms._   
>  _“I’m not going to let you get stoned again.”_   
>  _Gamzee was annoyed bu t not surprised by his refusal. The nice guys sometimes did that, but not for long. This guy just needed some persuasion._   
>  _“Get me a fucking big ass pie!” he screamed as sunk his claws into the troll’s thigh._   
>  _“Ahhgghh!” the troll screamed back, “I can’t get you anything when you got me pinned down!”_

  
Gamzee: go to the kitchen and get me a ~~sandwich~~ pie

>   
>  _“Got a bunch of muffins in the cabinet, go get them.”_

  
Oh, the muffins are drugs. Karkat catches wise to this.

 

> _The troll walked over to the cabinet. Gamzee rolled over to watch him.  He smiled as the boy took all of those wonderful muffins into arms. His smile turned into a snarl as the idiot dropped them in the toilet._   
>  _“What the fuck, you clums y asshole?” Gamzee yelled._   
>  _“I said I wasn’t going to give you any more sopor slime,” he answered as he flushed the toilet._

  
You might think “toilet” instead of “load gapper” is a misnomer but highblood trolls use words like that. Or they were supposed to, but Hussie forgot his own worldbuilding.

  
Karkat locks Gamzee and himself in the bathroom.

 

> _[Karkat] was serious about keeping Gamzee off the slime. Most nice guys backed down instantly. Despite their supposed disgust with his habit they wanted their easy compliant fucktoy back. Gamzee could respect him for that. Of course, he would respect the troll more if he WOULD JUST GIVE HIM SOME GODDAMN SOPOR SLIME!_

  
The third-person narration gets angry.

  
Gamzee turns to begging.

>   
>  _“I’ll do anything for you mister anything I’ll suck your bulge I’LL SUCK THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR WASTE CHUTE!”_

  
Ewww.

  
Wouldn't Gamzee say “motherfucker” or anything else other than “mister”?

>   
>  _The boy put his arm around his face. In a muffled voice he said,_   
>  _“We can’t have sex, you’re my goddamn moirail!”_

  
He put his arm around his face? Is he talking into his elbow.

  
Note that in this universe, moirails don't have sex, unlike so many other fics. Oddly, Gamkar is popular for “rails with pails” fics.

>   
>  _Gamzee paused._  
>  _“When did I get a patron?”_  
>  _The boy dropped his arm, “Um, just right now.”_

  
Gamzee: also what is a patron

>   
>  _Gamzee let go. The boy dropped to his knees. He held Gamzee’s shaking hands._  
>  _“Gamzee Makara,” he said, “Will you be my moirail?”_  
>  _Gamzee Makara gave a big genuine smile._  
>  _“Of course, my motherfucking best friend,” he said[...]_

  
That was easy, considering Gamzee was ready to kill Karkat seconds ago. Unfortunately, Gamzee follows up with:

>   
>  _“Now what the fuck is your name again?”_

  


People found this line sad but I was playing it for laughs. I'm terrible with names.

  
On this, the chapter ends. Gamzee is irritable without drugs but not a psycho. That's a bit more accurate than the fanon. 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: aftermath of sexual abuse, drugs, emetophobia, threat of castration

###  [Chapter 4](http://archiveofourown.org/works/212838/chapters/319305)

  
Karkat's POV!

>   
>  _After Karkat re-introduced himself to Gamzee, the forgetful troll was keen on him again. He reaffirmed his pale devotion to Karkat Vantas and gave him a big hug._

  
This scene was too interesting to show.

>   
>  _Karkat stiffened but he felt relieved at his moirail’s attitude, thought the promiscuous troll was rubbing against his crotch too much for comfort._

  
Karkat doesn't stiffen that way.

>   
>  _Karkat let him hug for a while and then said,_
> 
> _“Could you get off me?”_

  
What! Karkat, you said you didn't want sex! Oh wait, you said “get off me”. Never mind.

>   
>  _[Karkat] looked down at the other troll’s naked body. His bruises had faded, though his scars still remained._

  
Obviously scars aren't going to go away that quick, if they do at all.

>   
>  _[Gamzee] noticed Karkat’s look, but he didn’t blush. Instead he posed a bit provocatively,  making Karkat threaten to blush. Karkat looked away._

  
How is Gamzee posed? Can Gamzee be sexy?

> _[Karkat] looked at the door. Like every other door of its kind in paradox space, it locked from the inside._

  
_Some writers forget which side doors lock on so I deserve credit for remembering._

>   
>  _Karkat sighed. “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m going to need to tie you up.”_
> 
> _Gamzee nodded. “If that’s how a brother wants to get it on, go right on ahead.”_  
>  _“Gah, no, I told you not to take it that way! This isn’t any kinky shit, I just want to restrain you so you don’t dive into the slime again.”_

  
Pale bondage is popular in the fandom. It also shows up in “Night of the Iguana”, though I hadn't seen that movie at the time.

>   
>  _Karkat took out some rope from his sylladex. Rope was always useful._

  
Either Karkat is using scratchy rope unsuitable for comfortable bondage or he carries around silk rope at all times.

Karkat picks up the clothes in Gamzee's respiteblock for a paragraph. He goes downstairs when the doorbell rings and the door opens a “millisecond” later.

>   
>  _A tall female seatroll stepped in. She wore a sleeveless shorty wetsuit with a long decorative pull-tag and gold hoop finrings. She looked like she’d just smelled something bad._

  
Unlike ol' greenie, this hanger-on gets a description. I had plans for her to come back. I made a sprite for her which I posted on 4chan and you know what happened.

Here are her sprites:

  


> _She asked, “Who are you? Wait, I don’t care? Where’s Gamz?”_  
>  _Karkat answered, “He’s no t seeing anyone tonight.”_  
>  _“What, is he dead?”_  
>  _“No, he just wants to spend some time alone without being bothered by hanger-ons like you.”_  
>  _“Ha, seriously? Are you really getting possessive of that slut? It’s not like we can’t both have fun with him.” She gestured obscenely. “You can take the nook and I can take the bulge.”_  
>  _“Look, lady, he’s not a fucking vehicle! You can’t just call shotgunkind!”_

  
Christ what an asshole.

>   
>  _She laughed and said in a soft sultry voice, “You’re so cute and clever! Listen, I already got a matesprit, but with your pluck, I think you’d make a great kismesis.”_  
>  _She pulled down her zipper a little and leaned over._  
>  _“Come on, little troll,” she purred, “I can share.”_  
>  _Karkat licked his lips. She was attractive in a horribly obnoxious way. Perfect kismesis material. He pushed down his lust bladder and took out his sickle._

  
I planned on her being Gamzee's kismesis in future stories though she's so fucking awful. She’s also older than her, being almost 18 in Earth years.

>   
>  _“Get the fuck out of this hive before I slice off your puffed-up face fins and ruin your plastic surgeon’s hard work!”_

  
Headcanon: troll Angelina Jolie had fin surgery.

>   
>  _She took out a curling iron. “Bring it.”_

  
I did not know how phallic curling irons looked until I made her sprite.

>   
>  _With practiced reflexes Karkat sliced off her zipper pull. She gasped and looked at his angry face._

  
Karkat is a badass and a pervert.

>   
>  _“Tell Gamz Siebe dropped by,” she said and turned away._

  
Yes, that does break the naming rule, but I think Siebe was a nickname for something slightly longer.

  
Karkat goes back upstairs and talks to Gamzee about washing machines. Before, Karkat called them “garment turbulence apparatus”.

>   
>  _Karkat turned to leave, and then thought of something else to say._  
>  _“Some bimbo came by looking for you,” he said._  
>  _“What’s her name…ah fuck like I could remember.”_  
>  _“Siebe. She’s a seatroll with straight, kinda blunt horns that stick out at a 45º angle.”_  
>  _Gamzee didn’t say anything._  
>  _Karkat added, “She’s got nice tight boobs.”_

  
Me in May 2011: I'm straight.

>   
>  _Gamzee finally replied, “Yeah, I already knew who you were talking about, just couldn’t get my voice on. Did she bring along anyone?”_  
>  _“No, just her, thank god.”_  
>  _“She usually comes by with her matesprit what’s-his-name Gor something. Guess she finally came by to nub me.” Gamzee gave a coughing laugh._  
>  _Karkat gave him a weird look. He both wanted and didn’t want to think of her bone nub._

  
Girls don't get full bone bulges but boys get full vaginas. It's not fair.

> _“Yeah, her boyfriend’s bone bulge is too motherfucking huge for her, so she takes my bulge while he takes my nook. They’re my best motherfucking friends.” Gamzee turned dark. “I wanna RIP OFF HIS BONE BULGE AND STUFF IT IN HER EYE!”_

I read a fic back in the age where people wrote carapacians ones where SS has to act as a go-between Black King and Black Queen and he's not happy about it. That was the inspiration for this.bo

I forget the name of Siebe's matesprit but he's a big and chill dude.

Gamzee vomits yet again and Karkat cleans up.

>   
>  _“Fuck,” he said, “take it easy and don’t think about those assholes!”_  
>  _“They’re my friends,” the shivering troll said as he slowly tipped down to the floor._  
>  _“Friends don’t use friends as sexual furniture. Damnit, friends don’t pail with friends unless they’re in a dedicated concupiscent relationship!”_  
>  _He wanted for his friend to reply. His friend’s dry mouth moved a little but he didn’t say anything. Finally, he said,_  
>  _“Weren’t you the one with the romance and shit? You were always so naïve.”_  
>  _Karkat didn’t reply. He knew it was true that plenty of trolls engaged in casual sex despite the stigma. He still didn’t think it was right. He was a traditionalist about such things._

  
I can still imagine Karkat being against casual sex. This fic is rather anti-casual sex, though you could say it's just exploitative casual sex.

Does Gamzee know the word “naive”?

>   
>  _[Karkat] said, “I’ll go get you a glass of water after I start the laundry.”_

  
And the chapter ends on that. Just introducing a character that never ended up going anywhere. 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: bodily fluids discussed, aftermath of sexual abuse, discussed EquAra.

#  [Chapter 5](http://archiveofourown.org/works/212838/chapters/319308)

Again from Karkat's POV.

  
Karkat is still doing laundry when the doorbell rings.

>   
>  _“GO HOME, THE BROTHEL’S CLOSED!” he answered._

  
A 4channer described Gamzee as being a prostitute and it's probably because they took this line literally. However, Karkat is engaging in hyperbole.

>   
>  _A sweet cheerful voice replied, “Should we have made an appointment?”_

  
Heh heh, I still love this exchange.

>   
>  _Karkat was so glad the door was between him and Aradia._

  
I thought I mentioned Karkat blushing, hence why he's glad Aradia can't see him, but I forgot to write that.

>   
>  _He had forgotten he had trolled Sollux and asked him to go to his hive, bring him some of his stuff, and escort his lusus._  
> 

It's easy to forget something that hasn't been mentioned before.

>   
>  _Apparently he had brought his patron with him._

  
Again the word “patron” comes up. It will be explained later.

  
I should have said “Sollux brought his patron with him”.

  
So Sollux, Aradia, and Crabdad are at the door.

>   
>  _“Fuck, Aradia, I haven’t seen you in seasons,” he said._  
>  _She said without any anger, “Sorry but that’s your fault. I live closer to you than Sollux.”_

  
I'm reminded of that HP Mary Sue who politely says in response to someone asking her name with but you would know that if you had listened. I have the quote in my Zarla collection but I'm too lazy to look for it.

>   
>  _“You look healthier than you used to. You used to look like a ghost.”_  
>  _“Thank you.”_

  
Mythology gag.

>   
>  _Sollux leaned his head in. “Hey, athth-hole, I’m here too.”_

  
Try to pronounce “athth-hole”. I'm so tired of fanfics writing out Sollux's lisp.

> _“Come on, I was expecting you but not her. She’s a surprise. Why the hell did you bring her anyway? No offense, Aradia.”_  
>  _“None taken.”_

Karkat apologizing for being rude??

>   
>  _Sollux answered, “S-he’s good with medicine, I don’t know how cauthe trollth her cathte don’t get that schoolfeeding program. Bethidethe s-he wanted to.”_

  
I tend to make Aradia a Canon Sue. In this fic, she has noncanon medical abilities. In eXperiment Aradia Continuation, she's a beloved member of the community before she was erased from everyone's memory by the villain. In Tentacles of Power, she comforts a dying Helmsman. In DepressionStuck, she gets a job as a nightclub singer despite having almost no experience. I could be guilty but given how she's ignored in canon she deserves some spotlight in fanfiction.

  
My rationale for Aradia having medical knowledge is she likely was the one to take care of Tavros after his fall.

>   
>  _Karkat usually talked with Sollux online, so he hadn’t noticed his lisp was getting better. He always paused before correctly pronouncing the s sound._  
> 

I have a speech impediment where I forget to say the “th” sound. I've spent years fixing it. The problem is sometimes I put “th”s where they don't belong. I noticed when I was doing my playthrough of Undertale that I have a slight lisp  


> _His lusus was getting crabby standing outside, so the guests came in._

Judging by the grammar, that's Bicycolops and not Crabdad getting crabby.

  
Aradia asks where the “patient” is.

>   
>  _“He’s up in the hygieneblock,” Karkat answered as he gestured up the stairs, “I had to tie him to the sink so he wouldn’t go on another binge.” Karkat looked at Sollux. “Don’t give me that look, at least he’s dressed now.”_  
>  _“Now?” he asked with an obnoxious grin. Karkat refused to answer._

  
If Karkat had just said he tied Gamzee up without explanation then Sollux's look would make more sense.

>   
>  _“Have you fed him?” she asked._  
>  _“Of course I’ve feed him, what do you take me for? I gave him some porridgemeal.”_  
>  _“Have you giving him anything to drink? You should only give him water or better yet an electrolyte solution.”_  
>  _“Just tap water. Didn’t know I had to give him anything fancy.”_
> 
> _“It’s okay[...]_

  
Aradia doesn't explain what an electrolyte solution is. Do trolls have BRAWNDO? Does Alternia have decent tap water?

>   
>  _“He’s been puking a little,  but he’s mostly keeps it down.”_  
>  _“How are his stools?”_  
>  _Sollux gagged, “Oh yuck, AA.”_  
>  _Karkat snapped at him, “Don’t listen in on a medical discussion if you’ve got such a fucking sad digestion organ.” He turned to Aradia. “They’re a little watery.”_

  
Thankfully, we never see the scene where Karkat discovers this. I don't think any sickfic in Paradox Space has scenes like that.

  
Crabdad stays behind while the three trolls go up to see Gamzee. He has pants and socks but only a jacket drapped over him.

>   
>  _“You didn’t total clothe him,” Sollux complained._  
>  _“I couldn’t with his arms tied, moron,” Karkat shot back._

  
Given that “th” stands for a lisped “s” possibly Sollux was saying “close”. Which is why you shouldn't write out Sollux's lisp.

  
“Shot back” makes me think of Guerin's writing where he uses that saidism excessively. “Complained” isn't too bad a saidism.

>   
>  _Aradia kneeled down next to Gamzee and lifted his face. He looked at her and for a second Karkat was afraid he would kiss her. His over sexualized instinct was defeated by either his will or more likely his sickness._
> 
> _[…]_
> 
> _Gamzee moved his hips oddly. Karkat kept chanting to himself, “Don’t pop a boner, you crazy slut, she isn’t that type of friend.”_

  
Gamzee is like that rescued orangutan prostitute.

  
Note the word “boner” instead of “wriggly”.

>   
>  _She looked at Karkat’s rope work and frowned._  
>  _“You tied his hands too tightly and you pulled them back a bit too far,” she said, “Rope isn’t the best for bondage anyway, especially such rough rope like this.”_

  
Oh, so it wasn't silk rope. Aradia has become a master of Alternia kinbaku, among her other skills.

>   
>  _She took out of her sylladex a pair of fancy blue cuffs with soft lining. Karkat stared at them._  
>  _Aradia looked at him. “What?”_  
>  _“S-he’s matethprite’s with Equiuth Zahhak,” Sollux said, as if that was the only explanation needed._

  
You'd think Equius would need something more heavy than novelty cuffs from Alternia Spencer's Gifts.

  
I misspelled “matesprit” and not for the first time. It's shameful how long I continued that mistake.

>   
>  _Karkat sputtered, “What? Matesprites? Not kismesisitude or hatefriends? How long has that shit been going on?”_  
>  _“S-tarted sh-ortly after sh-e got her new artificial heart. Theems he decide sh-e wath fit to be a romantic partner since sh-e technically had the ‘heart of a bloo blood’ or thome sh-it like that.”_

  
This is detailed further in “Nightingale”. Aradia didn't die but did have a heart condition that necessitated an artifical heart. While she was doped up post-surgery, Equius asked her to be his matesprit and she said yes. However, it took some time for them to be actual matesprits.

> _“Wasn't that more than a sweep ago! Why didn’t you tell me?”_  
>  _“I told you, KK, I don’t like to…talk about other people.”_  
>  _“You sperging moron, it’s not gossip if it’s about your own patron.”_

  
If Sollux isn't a gossip, how did he know about Gamzee?

Karkat saying “sperging moron” is in-character but I'm uncomfortable with it today. “Moron” and “idiot” are ableist but it's hard to think of good alternatives. In a recent fic, I had Dave say “fool” even though that's out-of-character for him. It's hard making characters both IC and PC. The question of intelligence-based insults drives me to despair.

>   
>  _Aradia spoke up, “You could have asked me about it.”_  
>  _“Yeah, sorry for not keeping in touch,” he said[...]_

  
Again: Karkat apologizing??

>   
>  _[...]“But I assumed your spinning relationship would either land on kismesisitude or void. I was surprised enough that you two got together in the first place.”_  
>  _“Why?” she asked._  
>  _“Well, I wasn’t surprised Equius had a crush of some sorts on you. He’d always troll me asking ‘Where is your fellow lowblood Aradia?’ like we all shared some sort of hivemind. When I told him to go ask you he got all nervous. He was totally wrapped in towels,”_  
>  _“That’s why I was surprised you wanted any sort of concupiscent relationship with him. Hatefriends, yes, I can see. He does provoke a sort of bile fascination. But anything involving actually touching him? Ewww.”_

  
Karkat is saying both the “Well, I wasn't surprised Equius...” and “That's why I was surprised...” paragraphs. I thought when a character saying more than one paragraph you end with ,”

I don't know how obvious Equius' crush in the canon was considering his moirail didn't know about it.

>   
>  _She answered, “He doesn’t actually smell that bad. He doesn’t eat meat so his sweat doesn’t stink.[...]_

Another FailureArtist fic that extols vegetarianism. Well, I say it's good for the bodily fluids.

>   
>  _[Aradia said] Plus, he looks really sexy in his wet matebeater.”_  
>  _Karkat face palmed. “Ughh. TMI, TM-fucking-I!_  
>  _“You athked,” Sollux pointed out, “God, even I’m not that much of a prude.”_

  
I hate the word “wifebeater” and I wouldn't use it today.

>   
>  _Karkat continued, “Okay, so you got some sort of weird lady boner for him.  But why not just hate him?”_

  
Is continued the right saidism in this case?

>   
>  _[Aradia said] “I did at first. He seemed worse than his neighbor, and you know how I felt about her. At least she isn’t a bigot. He had to bring up my blood every time we talked. Even Eridan doesn’t do that!”_  
>  _She continued, “But as I got to know him better, I started to pity him.”_  
>  _“Pity him?” Sollux interjected, “Guy’th a rich as fuck blueblood. He liveth in a manthion with all the robot partth and thhitty porn he could ever want. He’th never dumpthter dived in his life.”_

  
We know highbloods are rich, but are lowbloods really that poor? The lowbloods still have plenty of stuff. On one hand, you could call it a failure of worldbuilding, but maybe the empire finds it helpful to point out nobody's poor so a lowblood is better off throwing their lot in with the empire. Bread and circus.

>   
>  _“He also has problems controlling his power. He really doesn’t want to hurt people,” she said, “Don’t be jealous. That’s also what attracted me to you.”_  
>  _“I’m not jealouth.”_

  
This is a good reason to pity them both. Sollux's jealousy is not a mark of secret red passion in this fic.

>   
>  _[Karkat, even though he's uncredited] “All right, I get that he’s a mess and you think he’s a hot one, but how’d you get out of that mobius reacharound? He pities you, you hate him, he hates you for rejecting him, you pity him for being such a sad sack of tears, he hates that you think he’s weak, you hate him because he’s turning down your kindness, he pities you…”_  
>  _“Yeth, we get it, KK, you watch a lot of ‘documentarieth’.”_

  
It's fanon that troll love is based on pity. Karkat says it is but that idea is never brought up by any other character. In fact, Cronus says Latula pities Mituna instead of having true red feelings for him (though this could just be a cultural difference between Beforus and Alternia). The idea that troll love is based on pity is intriguing though. It could be true but trolls don't think of it that way. It wasn't as popular when I started writing but now it's firmly glued in place to the point that trolls say “make pity” instead of “make love”.

>   
>  _She answered, “The normal way such reacharounds are solved: he found a true kismesis.”_  
>  _“Oh fuck, that anti-social bigot has th ree quadrants filled and I…so who is the unlucky troll?”_  
>  _“A blueblood named Lupine Durand. Equius was patrolling around Nepeta’s hive when he encountered the troll who’d been badgering her. They started wrestling and one thing lead to another and…it was just like one of your movies.”_  
>  _“One I’d delete immediately,” he mumbled._

  
_T_ he original fic posted on homesmut had “ Aetlas Telmon”. I think “Aetlas” comes from “Atlas”. I don't know “Telmon” comes from. Later, I came up with a wolf-themed troll I liked better. The first name is obvious but the second name comes from the band “Duran Duran” whose most famous song is “Hungry Like the Wolf”. I named my sidefic about him that. He's my most fully-fleshed fantroll. (Though you could call most of the so-called canon characters in XAC fantrolls.) Here are some of his sprites. I posted one on the 4chan thread without explanation.

>   
>  _She continued, “He didn’t like me being with Equius. Not out of jealousy but because I was such a lowblood. He didn’t even think Equius should be in a moirallegiance with a midblood. I think he still doesn’t really like me. He respects Nepeta as a hunter, but he only accepts me as an honorary highblood.”_

  
If I had continued “Hungry Like the Wolf”, I would have revealed Lupine has a slight crush on Nepeta that worries him. I had planned on pairing him with another fantroll called quietusSpinster but 1) I felt self-conscious creating an OC to pair up with another OC and 2) I couldn't think of a name for her despite coming up with everything else. Here is her sprite:

>   
> 
> 
> _She added, “We do work together sometime s, even if we usually aren’t in the same room. We play good dom/bad dom.”_  
>  _“Yeah, s-he’th the nice one. That’th how thcary he ith…oww!” Sollux yelped as Aradia elbowed him._

  
I didn't cut a line here. I could have added this to the last paragraph.

>   
>  _Karkat found all this fascinating, but he also didn’t want to hear this. It was one thing watching romance play out among beautiful strangers, but it was another thing when it was among his friends, especially one who he once felt…close to._

  
Karkat had a crush on Aradia, though he doesn't seem to appreciate her much in the canon. My rationale for having it in this fic is everyone should have a crush on Aradia. 

  
Aradia finishes taking care of Gamzee.

>   
>  _“Oh yeah,” Sollux added, “I need to give you your sh-it. Whole reathon I hauled my atht h here.”_  
>  _“You can fly, asshole, it isn’t that hard for you,” Karkat said_
> 
> _“But Aradia can’t. Ahh fuck, I would have come out here even if I had to crawl, KK.”_  
>  _“Yeah, you can’t resist my magnetic personality.”_  
>  _“Magnetic in that it ruinth every computer you come near.”_  
>  _“Right back at you, dumpass.”_

  
When 4chan called all the characters in MMFBF OOC, I asked if Sollux and Aradia were OOC too. Probably the haters were so focused on Gamzee and Karkat (who do have their problems) to think about secondary characters. I think I did a good job with them.

  
Can Aradia fly pre-death? When she went down into the cave, she used her whip as a rope instead of floating down, so maybe her psiioniics weren't powerful enough then.

>   
>  _Karkat turned to Aradia. “Will he be okay?”_  
>  _“He just seems to be having a particularly bad hangover right now. He’s not in withdrawal,” she answered._  
>  _“Oh, that’s go od.”_  
>  _“Yeah, this is the best part! It’s all downhill from here,” she chirped._  
>  _“Oh fuck.”_  
>  _“I’m sure you can handle it. Just make sure you keep a constant eye on him.”_

  
I think Gamzee is in withdrawal at this point and not a “hangover”.

>   
>  _She turned to Gamzee._  
>  _“I’m glad to see you haven’t died,” she said, “I wouldn’t like that.”_

  
Glad to see a homestuck character say that.

>   
>  _She gracefully picked herself up off the floor._

  
Aradia does everything gracefully. She could vomit gracefully.

  
So Aradia and Sollux, after giving Karkat stuff, prepare to leave.

>   
>  _“I’m also glad you’re well,” Aradia said to Karkat, “I wish we hadn’t lost touch.”_  
>  _“It happens. Trolls suck at friendship,” he said, “Plus, spiderbitch ruined everything.”_  
>  _“I don’t think she’s entirely to blame,” she said, and then looked off into the distance, “Sometimes I think if when we were younger, if we had all come together on some sort of quest, maybe we would have been closer. Sometimes I can foresee that alternate past.”_  
>  _“Oh, that freaky vithion,” Sollux said, but in a strangely uncynical tone._

  
So why didn't the Game happen, given that it was predetermined? Most non-Sgurb stories ignore that plothole. The best non-Sgurb stories turn out not to be a non-Sgurb story, though if I said which ones I'd be spoiling them. I wrote a non-Sgurb fanfic set in an alternate universe where everything was set up for the Game to happen but it didn't and hence the characters are in the Bad Ending. It's called “Now Let Thy Motherfucker Go in Peace” and though the point of the story is for Grand Highblood to have a threesome with Equius and Gamzee it's still an interesting world.

>   
>  _Before they could leave, Karkat asked something that had been on his mind._  
>  _“Sp eaking of friends, have you heard anything from Terezi?” He hoped he sounded casual, but he knew he didn’t._  
>  _Aradia’s face looked blank, so he turned to Sollux._  
>  _“Sollux, she was closer to you than me, so how is she?”_  
>  _Sollux sighed. “Sh-e’s gotten really thcary.”_  
>  _“Scarier than before?”_  
>  _“Thhe’s gotten all political or thomething. Like thhe’s planning on wearing her dragon thuit and thtrating a flathh mob in front of the Thenate in protest of chalk tariffth or thomething.”_  
>  _“That’s more weird than scary, but okay.”_

  
I don't know what I was planning on doing with Terezi.

  
Do the trolls have a Senate? Terezi roleplays with senators and even totalitarian governments can have senates but it still seems odd.

>   
>  _“S-o, whothe place are we going back to?”_  
>  _“We’re going to Equius’.”_  
>  _“What?”_  
>  _“Sollux, you promised if I came with you to Gamzee’s you’d come with me to Equius’!”_  
>  _“But Karkat is both our friendth, while Equius is nobodieth friend!”_  
>  _“You still promised!”_

  
This is a cute exchange. I now ship the two purely red but back then it was mostly pale.

  
Karkat goes back up to the hygieneblock and the chapter ends there. Dang, I wrote a lot about this chapter.

  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More coming tomorrow


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: sex abuse, nightmares, bodily fluids, discussed Equius/Aradia

Still Karkat's POV

> Karkat tidied up the towels around the hygieneblock. He was wondering why Gamzee had so many towels when the troll spoke up.

The mystery of the towels is never solved.

> “So Equius’ got those quadrants filled?”  
>  Karkat jumped a little and turned to the now moving troll.  
>  “Oh shit,” he said, “We were talking like you weren’t even there.”

Karkat is awfully apologetic in this fic.

Gamzee says he remembers Equius and asks if Equius' concupiscent quadrants are all filled. Karkat says yes.

> “I wanted to be the one who filled him,” he said.  
>  “You were flushed, or…WAXED for him?”  
>  “I don’t even know. He’s probably not my type but I ain’t got a clue who my type is. I don’t think I would’ve given a shit if I didn’t think he had something for me. Even high and online I could tell he was popping boners like riders pop wheelies.”

Gamquius is a mixed bag in this series. Equius' crush on Gamzee is acknowledge and Gamzee is interested in Equius but in a Jane's Addiction “I want them if they want me” way. This comes to a head in “kneeling FOR YOU” in a most disturbing way.

> “Uugh, I would hate being the o bject of his attention,” Karkat said and then realized he probably shouldn’t be showing such obvious disgust with his moirail’s feelings, “So, you wanted his attention?”
> 
> […]
> 
> Don’t be disgusted, don’t be disgusted, Karkat chanted to himself.

Why would Karkat care about not showing his disgust?

> “I would have knelt down before that motherfucker and done any crazy ass shit he asked,” Gamzee confessed while gesturing.

What gesture? That's up for the audience to decide.

I still think despite it all Gamzee is a sub, albeit one who can be a service top.

> Gamzee bowed his head. “But it sounds like he’s the one wanting to get his kneel on. Poor old Gamzee wasn’t his type!” He started to laugh bitterly. “Pretty stupid to get all down about it. He wasn’t even in my think pan until tonight.”

Poor old Gamzee.

> Karkat could understand Gamzee’s disappointment at hearing about Aradia <3 Equius. He had a crush on Aradia whe n he was very little, like maybe just two sweeps? He didn’t really know about romance or the quadrants, but he knew he liked her, and he really really wanted her to like him. He wanted her to pity him. She was the lowest blooded troll he had ever met. It wasn’t that massive a crush and he wasn’t even that annoyed when Sollux and Aradia red-dated for two nights. Now that Aradia was in a stable, long-term matespritship with Equius, he was lamenting his loss.

The only evidence for Karkat having a crush on Aradia is everyone should have a crush on her.

> “No,” Karkat said, “The world is so chocked full of regrets it’s normal one or two will get stuck in your protein chute.”

Good line.

> Karkat asked, “Would you have really done anything he asked? I mean, not the kinky sex stuff, what I mean is, would you have given up sopor slime and any other drug you’ve been pouring on your think pan?”  
>  “That motherfucker did ask me all the time to kick the tin. He was all blue faced about it cause I’m supposed to be better than him and he can’t boss me around, but he did order me to. I never did. I think I liked to keep him all concerned and besides…ha ha, kicking sucks! But there was this one time I told him I would. Honestly told him. I said, what the hell, it’s my wriggling night, I should do resolution shit like that. But things came up…”

In canon, Equius did order Gamzee to stop eating sopor slime and Gamzee said he'd do it but Equius backed down. Contrary to popular belief (and me at one time), Karkat never tells Gamzee to quit. He even tells Gamzee to use it after Gamzee goes crazy.

Gamzee says his “father” (Old Goat) never came around so he binged on sopor slime. Next comes a disturbing story.

> It was the night after Gamzee’s sixth wriggling night and he was sitting on the beach, waiting for his sea-bond lusus to come for a belated party. He was out of it, like normal, when a seadweller walked out of the sea towards him. She was nine and a half sweeps old, almost ready to take a maturity shuttle off Alternia. She was only a few degrees lower than Feferi, and she certainly looked more the part of a traditional empress than the actual heir apparent. She had four horns, kind of like Sollux, and they formed a crown. She was very tall and statuesque, and she wore a long black sleeveless gown and several strings of tiny pearls. Karkat found out her name from Feferi, but it isn’t important. What she did was important.

 

No, she never gets a name or a spirte. The degree thing was a misconception that trolls had shades between the canon castes. It both makes sense and makes things more complicated.

 

The unnamed heiress picks a fight with Gamzee because she doesn't like him being on the beach. I still headcanon something like this happening (Gamzee's first kill in “Now Let Thy Motherfucker” was this situation) but not this disturbing resolution:

 

> She said, “We will spare you, if you pleasure us.”  
>  Gamzee didn’t know what she meant by that at first. He started doing traditional Alternian break dancing and slam poetry, but she told him that wasn’t what she wanted. She grabbed his hair, lif ted up her dress, and shoved his face into her crotch.  
>  So he pleasured her.  
> 

At least I didn't describe it. I have female-on-male rape backstory in “don't go on casual encounters...”. The victim doesn't call it rape but he is uncomfortable recounting it. Probably something I should get rid of if I rewrite “casual encounters...”  


> Afterwards, he curled up and started crying. He still wasn’t sure she wasn’t going to cull him, even after he made her come so hard her genetic material was dripping off his face.  The royal then did something very strange. She sat down beside him and put her arm around him. She let him press his dirty face, dripping with paint, tears, and cum, against her shoulder.

  
I could have left out that “cum on the face” detail.

>   
>  She patted him on the back and told him he had performed far above her expectations, and that she would never kill him or hurt him. Why did she do this? Feferi believed that she did pity him, and felt guilty for what she had done, but she tended to see the good in all trolls. Karkat thought she was just playing a cruel game with his blood-pumping organ. Though she never said it, she made him believe they were matesprites.

  
The “she” in the last two sentences is Princess Rapist, not Feferi. Feferi isn't cruel. I don't know if she's naive either.

  
Gamzee is happy to have a girlfriend despite it all. However, things get worse:

>   
>  Instead, his girlfriend visited him. She had told him that “we will pay a visit soon”, but he didn’t know she wasn’t using the royal we. She brought three sea troll friends. This time she didn’t touch him. She just watched as the largest of them climbed on top of him and opened him up.

  
I don't see how Feferi could think Princess Rapist is a good person at heart.

>   
>  A few nights later, one of the two sea trolls who had held him down came over to his hive. He acted like nothing had happened. He just wanted the land aristocrat to entertain him that morning. Gamzee tried his best, but the sea troll was a picky guest. He refused not only Faygo, but any other drink or food his host gave him. He sat on the sofa, playing with hi s rings, waiting for Gamzee to do something.  So Gamzee pleasured him.

  
This story will be gone into later in detail.

 

> After his blowjob, the noble troll stayed the whole day. The whole day!, Gamzee said with excitement every time. (Karkat felt guilty he had never stayed over at his best friend’s hive.)

  
Has Karkat ever visited Gamzee's hive in canon? We don't know how distant everyone's hive is (except for Vriska and Equius who are neighbors).

 

> If Gamzee felt bad, if he ever felt like he just wasn’t being true to his feelings, if his body was sore from the rough sex, if he needed something to get aroused, he’d get high. And that’s how he sunk so low.

  
I don't know how self-aware Gamzee was about his drug use. Fanon has him knowing he'll go crazy without it but he was willing to give it up for Equius and he wasn't that worried when he ran out.

>   
>  After that bit of exposition, Gamzee was mostly silent for the rest of the night.

  
Tom Dyron: The conversation ended on this.

>   
>  Karkat rubbed Gamzee's back reluctantly and stayed with him a while.

  
Why reluctantly?

>   
>  Aradia told him the patient couldn’t use sopor slime, even topically, while there was still some in his system. She didn’t really say what Karkat was supposed to do once Gamzee was detoxified. She said they would think of a plan. That was just like her.

  
We never saw this conversation before.

>   
>  As he set up his own stuff, he realized that he might have to move in with his high-maintenance moirail. He had previously looked down on trolls who moved in together after one pale date, but in this case it was necessary. He just worried about the hassle of changing his address. The Empire didn’t really like its underaged subjects going around switching hives. It would be especially hard since he and his moirail were so far apart on the hemospectrum.

  
In canon, Karkat tells Terezi she can move into a cleared-out hive near him.

>   
>  Gamzee Makara was the highest of the bluebloods, a land aristocrat, wh ile Karkat Vantas….well, on paper he was a low level greenblood. That was a bureaucratic mixup he didn’t want to fix. 

  
The canon never explains how Karkat can live on the grid despite being a mutant. Perhaps Handmaid or the Sufferists or both had a hand in this but neither parties were introduced yet.

>   
>  A lowblood moving in with a highblood was usually seen by the bureaucracy as servant boarding with his master instead of as a romantic relationship. That could cause problems later on. He needed legal help. Karkat grumbled about this until he realized he was a good excuse to talk to Terezi.

  
And I never introduced Terezi so this exciting “change-of-address” plotline comes to nothing.

Karkat makes dinner.

>   
>  He went upstairs with Crabdad, worried about his momentary absence. Gamzee cringed when they entered, and it took Karkat a moment to realize it was because of his lusus. The giant crab reacted to Gamzee's discomfort with a little freak out of his own until his charge calmed him down. Karkat sat next to the near-orphan. Poor guy never had a lusus around and other people’s lusii probably ju st reminded him of that.

  
How does canon Gamzee feel about other people's lusii? We don't know. This seems melodramatic.

>   
>  Crabdad could be a bother with his pinching and grumbling, but I’d made Karkat the troll he was tonight. His pinches made the troll’s skin tough and the regular fights helps boost his blocking better than Karkat's silly solitary practice could. More importantly, his lusus had protected him from the harsh world of Alternia. If the Old Goat were around, he could have protected his charge from the seadwellers.

  
Does Karkat ever appreciate Crabdad this much in canon?

>   
>  Karkat spoonfed Gamzee while eating himself and throwing Crabdad some kippers. Afterward, as the sun rose, they talked. Well, Karkat talked about everything and anything while Gamzee listened. Crabdad shuffled back downstairs to sleep by the door.

  
I'm amused by the kippers.

>   
>  Soon it was cocoon time.

  
I saw a post saying the fanon abbreviation “coon” for recuperacoon was offensive and while I don't agree I can never see the word the same way. This is annoying since every fanfic uses “coon”.

 

> Karkat again kept vigil while Gamzee tried to sleep. Every half-hour the troll awoke with daymares, and he would grab his patron and babble on. Karkat soothed him back to sleep, grumbling songs like his lusus used to when he was a wriggler . This worked somehow. By the end of the day, Karkat noticed Gamzee had been sleeping straight for over two hours. He was cheered by this until it came to him that perhaps Gamzee wasn’t fighting his daymares as much as he was fighting waking. 

  
Daymares never appears in the canon but that's Hussie's fault for not remembering trolls are nocturnal.

  
The chapter ends on this. The next chapter we finally get back into Gamzee's POV.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: drug withdrawal, aftermath of sexual abuse, nightmares

Gamzee wakes up.

> He was feeling better, though he still felt that general hangover malaise.

 Is it a hangover or withdrawal?

  
Gamzee performs his own “ablation”. He and Karkat talk.

>   
>  After a while, Karkat asked, “What were your diurnal delusions about anyway?”  
>  “You really want to know?” Gamzee asked, “They were pretty motherfucking scary.”  
>  “Psychiatrists say that recalling dreams helps the mind recover,” Karkat said, “Or it totally fucks up the mind by forcing it to digest the vomit it spewed out. One or the other.”  
>  “Scientists always be lying. They pissing me off.”

  
Karkat talks to Sollux about “diurnal delusions” in “[Sometimes a Smoking Cylinder is a Smoking Cylinder](http://archiveofourown.org/works/214431?view_full_work=true)”.

>   
>  “In the last one, the one before I quit that shit, I dreamed I was choking Equius,” he said slowly, “And I was on top of this weird jar with the Old Goat hang around in it. No, I wasn’t choking him on that, I was on the jar before a leapt down and went into murder mode. But first I was, what’s-her-name, the blind sister…”  
>  “Terezi, and why the fuck were you Terezi?”  
>  “I don’t know, it’s dream shit. And Equius said I was a stupid not-quite-blue blood, but then I took off my really awesome shades and I was Gamzee again. And I shot him with an arrow, which I think turned into a bon e bulge. Then I was in front of him, and I was choking him, not with my hands, but with a bow string.”

  
Does Gamzee have a psychic link with the canon verse? I think it was just an ironic reference.

>   
>  “Did he grief back?”  
>  “It was my dream, so the motherfucker didn’t! Ninja had no air, but he was talking, without moving his mouth, saying shit like how he always loved me, like a son.”  
>  “Like a son?”  
>  “Yeah, like he was my lusus and I was his charge![...]

  
Freud was right about trolls at least.

>   
>  […] But he was also getting off on it, like his bone bulge was out, but it was also an arrow. He think he died then, but I got on top of his arrow and pierced myself, and it was like the motherfucking heavens opened and an angel came down!”

  


>   
>  “If you noticed me popping a boner, it was probably because of that.”  
>  Karkat quickly said, “I didn’t notice anything like that and it was probably your bladder.”

  
Does troll physiology work that way? Who knows.

>   
>  “But then Equius turned into an adult troll, but it wasn’t him grown up, it was some dashing sea troll with broad ass shoulders and a butt chin. He kept shouting ‘Subjuggulator subjuggulator I’m tryin to tell a fuckin joke here!’ but a voice from me, that wasn’t me, kept saying ‘HONK honk HONK honk!’

  
A genetic memory from his ancestor? This is a bit of comic relief in a disturbing dream.

>   
>  And then the Empress came in, but it was my first matesprite.”  
>  “Your first matesprite?”  
>  “Guess my so-called first matesprite. The one on the beach that night. She wasn’t an adult but she was incredible tall, like communal hivestem tall. She said it was time for my performance review. She said I was always very good at giving head and she laughed and all these severed heads rained down like a wicked hail.”

  
Damn Princess Rapist and her puns.

>   
>  Gamzee laughed a little.  
>  He mumbled to himself, “Guess that is a very good joke.”  
>  Karkat gave a disgusted look.

  
I used that joke again in “[Body Servant](http://archiveofourown.org/works/279178)” and "[kneeling FOR YOU](http://archiveofourown.org/works/268907)". 

>   
>  Gamzee continued, “So she said I was very good at giving head, but my bone bulge went limp all the time.  She said the word weak like she was some sort of girl Equius. It then popped into my head that I didn't have my clubs.”  
>  “You were using your clubs before?”  
>  “Nah, it’s like I wasn't even thinking of my weapon before and poof! It was gone.

  
That is very dream-like. It gets really disturbing ahead:

>   
>  I was totally naked except for my old face paint.  She said given my skill set, the best position for me in this empire would be prone. And then I was, and this huge musclebeast, this huge dog was on top of me. Dog had a huge knot in its dong.  It was tearing me up, not just my nook, but my entire fucking body, but kept staying in one piece.”

  
In some stories, this would be a plus.

>   
>  Gamzee continued, more sad then manic like before, “I think I knew it was a dream then, cause I asked the Empress permission to wake up, and she said if I did my project manager would be fired, like out of a cannon. And then I saw you. You were the leader. I couldn’t let you down,”  
>  “So I kept sleeping.”

I have had dreams where I'm told to keep sleeping to accomplish something or another. Again, it's Gamzee saying “So I kept sleeping.”

>   
>  Karkat asked, “You didn’t wake up?”  
>  “Course I woke up, bro!” he said, and then started to look around wildly, “Unless you saying this is still a dream?”  
>  “No it’s not, and if it was I’d be my dream, so I’d be the one drowning in blood. I mean, you kept sleeping in your dream?”  
>  “I wasn’t sleeping, I was getting raped!”  
>  “Forget it, let’s get you out of the trap.”

  
Comic relief or not?

  
Gamzee dries off.

>   
>  Gamzee dropped the towel when he was done but Karkat grabbed another towel and told him to wrap himself up in it.

  
He has little sense of modesty but that's before any sexual abuse.

>   
>  The recupercoon was out of sight. There was a new piece of furniture in the room, and it took Gamzee a while to recognize it as his old dresser. Karkat had tried to stuff as much as he could into it before giving up and pilling things somewhat neatly on and next to it.

  
Karkat's respiteblock, despite what you might think, is very clean.

  


> “Yeah,” Karkat said, “I couldn’t fit all your goddamn clothes into your garment containment unit so I had to just stack them up. Have you just been getting more clothes instead of washing them? It can’t be a fashion thing because it’s all the same shirt and pants cloned endlessly.”  
>  “Actually…” Gamzee explained, “There are a few tiny little differences in the polka dots…”  
>  “Knew it. Fucking highbloods.”  
>  “But yeah, I did just get more shit instead of taking care of what I had.”  
>  “Ha, knew it!”

  
Bachelor living!

>   
>  “And…” Gamzee said as he looked at a garbage bag in the corner labeled “FUCK NO”, “People just came by with stuff for me to wear.”  
>  “Ahh fuck, I was just going to pretend the Concupiscent Garment Fairy dropped by your hive every moon segment.”  
>  “He he he, no fairies ever paid me a motherfucking visit.”

  
Gamzee's of Trollywood.

  
Surprisingly, Tavros does not come up in this conversation.

>   
>  “I’m going to get you something decent and non-maid uniform to wear,” [Karkat] said.

  
Equius would be jealous of all the maid costumes.

>   
>  Gamzee dropped his towel. Karkat lunged forward as if it were an action movie and he could do bullet time. The towel hit the floor anyway and Karkat face palmed. It was a lost cause teaching Gamzee modesty. Even before he became a slut he wasn’t very good at figuring out how often he should wear clothes.

  
This seems like it's in Karkat's POV.

>   
>  Gamzee was fine with the shirt and pants but he balked a little over the socks.  
>  “I didn’t even know I had those,” he said.  
>  “Well you do, and normal people wear socks with their shoes,” Karkat shot back.

  
When Kanaya kicks Gamzee in the crotch and he flies out of his shoes, he has no socks.

 

> The clown’s big feet looked weirder now that the troubled youth hadn’t grown as tall as Karkat and everyone else expected. It must be his poor lifestyle, Karkat thought. The skinny boy was still taller than him, damnit.

  
Feet: another FailureArtist focus.

Plus, a bad POV switch.

>   
>  “You still into that stupid ass religion of yours?” he asked.  
>  “Sure, I still roll with the family,” Gamzee answered, and then added sadly, “But I haven’t prayed in a long long time.”    
>  “Why aren’t you wearing that sticky gross paint anymore?”  
>  “Sometime a ninja has to go undercover on his assignments, cause the empire be hatin g.”  
>  Karkat gave him a skeptical look.  
>  Gamzee then said, “Plus my friends thought I looked better this way.”

  
Gamzee's introduction says his religion is looked down on but later it's the state religion so ???

>   
>  Karkat looked over Gamzee’s face. He did look better without the makeup. Handsome, even. The heavy makeup was bad for his complexion and Karkat had noticed little bumps barely concealed by white the few times he had seen Gamzee in person.  The concerned patron still didn’t like the idea of him giving up his habits for that group.

 

  
[Gamzee so handsome]

  


> “Those fucking fake ‘friends’ of yours just want a clean canvas for their genetic material,” he growled, “Ruin their game and put on that white paint.”  
>  “You like my old face?”  
>  “No, I hate it, but I hate this new one even more.”  
>  Gamzee frowned.  
>  “No, not like that, it’s a good face, but it isn’t yours. If you want to make yourself up as a clown that’s your damn prerogative. You’re a highblood, and the sea trolls are too tacky themselves to make a fuss.”

  
Actually heartwarming.

>   
>  Gamzee stood up and clenched his right hand in a salute.  
>  He yelled, “Right on, brother! I won’t let them fuck around with me. I’m a goddamn prophet of the gods and I should act like one! The Mirthful Messiahs wouldn’t dance around naked with genetic material all dripping down their thighs just to get an applause!”  
>  “Um, I hope not.”  
>  “No, they wouldn’t! Motherfucker, get me some paint!”  
>  Karkat got up and looked through the dresser.  
>  “I can’t find any. Don’t think I even saw it when I was cleaning up.”  
>  “Oh,” Gamzee said, and sat down without finishing his quest.

  
A fan (as opposed to a 4channer) liked this exchange. I think the word “quest” was a reference to “Bardquest”.

>   
>  Gamzee looked over at the dresser.  
>  “Where did the mirror go?” he asked.  
>  “What mirror?”  
>  “It was one of those…wha tcha call it…varsity? No, a vanity. That shit’s called a vanity.”  
>  “It was like that when I found it.”  
>  “Guess I ripped it off some time ago. Didn’t like the magic little fellow that lives in there.”  
>  “It’s not magic, it’s just light bouncing off the surface and into your eyes.”  
>  “And it’s a miracle that light knows what it’s supposed to do.”

  
Foreshadowing and in-character.

>   
>  Karkat helped Gamzee off the floor and they went downstairs to eat. Gamzee still felt sick but his appetite was much better. He ate a lot, though he also vomited and shat a lot too.

  
Thankfully all off-page.

 

> Karkat had to send his lusus out much earlier than he expected, and he had him put the bill on Gamzee’s tab. Crabdad being Crabdad, he mostly brought roe cubes instead of what Karkat had ordered him to buy, but he also bought some cheap bargain bin movie grubs.
> 
>   
> 

Imagine Crabdad shopping or any lusii other than Aurthour for that matter.

>   
>  Karkat grumbled about his guardian’s poor cinematic choices, but they watched them anyway. Gamzee asked questions about every little thing and Karkat both shushed him and explained how terrible all the plot twists were. Eventually, Gamzee stopped asking.

  
Gamzee does seem like he wouldn't be able to follow plots.

How bad are these movies if Karkat “I love troll Adam Sandler” Vantas hates them?

>   
>  Crabdad freaked out whenever he saw reddish blood, which just freaked out Gamzee, until his charge sent him downstairs for guard duty.

  
That's Crabdad's charage, not Gamzee's nonexistent charge.

>   
>  That day, instead of forcing Gamzee to sleep, they both just stayed awake and talked. Gamzee kept falling asleep anyway, but he’d always wake up soon. The next evening Gamzee continued to do well.  
>  Until he broke a window.

  
Here's what the vanity mirror conversation was foreshadowing. The chapter ends on this tense note instead of something boring.

  


 


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: sexual harassment, medical issues (including blood)

 

Warning: medical issues, including blood, in this chapter.

Last time on MMFBF: Gamzee breaks a window. Karkat runs upstairs to see Gamzee posed dramatically in front of the window with his back to Karkat.

> Karkat yelled, “What the fuck happened did you have an accident did you fall over why are you bleeding?”

  
Dialogue courtesy of Shia Lebouf.

  
  


> Gamzee replied, “The window was looking at me…”   
> Karkat asked, “The window was…what’s that suppose to mean?”   
> “…SO I HAD TO TAKE IT OUT!”
> 
>  

The relatively sane mmfbf!Gamzee finally shows signs of psychosis.

  
  


> Gamzee turned around. He was holding his bleeding right hand. There were still glass shards in his hand, but on his face there was only a huge smile.

  
  


Rather beige way to describe someone with a BLEEDING HAND and a SLASHER SMILE. Instead of bothering with his injury, Gamzee goes after Karkat.

  
  


> “How nice of you to visit ,” [Gamzee] said.   
> “You really fucking punched the window, let me look at your…”   
> Gamzee’s smile turned into a snarl. “IT TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH, MOTHERFUCKER.”   
> “Damnit, Gamzee, it took me only fifteen fucking seconds for me to get up here and I trusted you to stay put for fifteen minutes!”   
> Gamzee stepped forwards towards Karkat, ignoring the glass shards.   
> “Really? I counted it being much longer than that,” he said with an innocent smile.   
> “Well sorry I don’t know the exact fucking millisecond, but I am trying to be a good moirail.”   
> “Try?” Gamzee’s smile faded, “YOU NEVER TRIED BEFORE.”
> 
>   
>    
> 

It's interesting reading this post-Retcon, where Karkat doesn't even speak up one way or another when his alt-verse moirail is in a fridge. It's questionable how hard Karkat tried in the timeline when Gamzee was his moirail.

  
  


> “Stop yelling at me…” he said softly, and then yelled, “Just give me your wrist and I’ll bandage us together so you’ll never have to suffer me being out of your sight for a goddamn minute!”   
> “A minute?” Gamzee laughed, “You think this is about a minute? I know you kept me waiting for more than a minute. MORE LIKE A SOLAR SWEEP.”   
> “A solar sweep? Has the sopor completely fucked your sense of time?”

I don't think the term “solar sweep” is ever used.

Gamzee might seem to be excessively needy but we'll find out his point soon.  
  


> “Nah, I’m too good at waiting for people to come. ALL MY LIFE I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR PEOPLE TO COME FOR ME.”

  
Yes, this is a double entendre.

 

> “What is this about? Is this about something someone else did? What your lusus did?”   
> “This is about you, patron. This is about us, and the GODDAMN BEHEMOTH IN THE BLOCK.”

  
“Behemoth in the block” is a good phrase. Actually better than our human phrase.

 

> Gamzee somehow slide up into Karkat’s face and shut the door behind him.

  
“Somehow” - a mark of lazy writing or a reference to flash-stepping?

 

> “Not a lot of space in this respiteblock, is there?” he said.   
> “I don’t know what you’re talking about!”   
> “That’s it, that’s right: YOU NOT TALKING TO ME. No IMs, no emails, no phone calls, not even a motherfucking flying courierbeast. FOR MORE THAN A FUCKING SWEEP. Everyone else on Alternia comes by and YET MY MOTHERFUCKING BEST FRIEND WON’T VISIT."

  
Roll credits?

Gamzee does have genuine reason to be angry in this scene.

> “Gamzee, you nooksniffer, I…” Karkat couldn’t think of anything to say. He looked down at the floor instead.   
> “Yeah, that’s right, run out of words. Got no words to spare for little old me.”

  
Makes me think of how early in Gamzee<>Karkat Gamzee gently told Karkat not to talk so much and Karkat _stopped breathing_.

>   
>  Karkat was shivering from the sight of blood dripping on the floor, but he was more afraid to look into Gamzee’s face.

  
oh yeah there's blood

>   
> “I’m…I’m sorry, you asshole! But I did come!”   
> “Yeah, you came!” Gamzee said cheerfully, “YOU CAME BECAUSE OF MY TONGUE.”

 

The double entendre turns into a single one.

>   
> Gamzee licked the side of Karkat’s face.

  
This is the second time Gamzee has licked Karkat, though this time it's fully on-purpose and not instinct.

 

> “No, no, stop it! I didn’t come for that!” he yelled.   
> “LIAR. That’s the only reason anyone comes to see me. IT ONLY TOOK SO LONG CAUSE YOUR SHAME GLOBES HADN’T DROPPED YET.”

  
Shame globes being troll testicles in this case...even though we never see any shame globes in the Hot Mess series? So maybe shame globes drop and roll away? Actually, that might make sense giving Karkat's drawing.

>   
> “You dropped me an email, stupid!”   
> Gamzee stopped leaning over Karkat. He expressed surprise, and not in the odd showy way he had been showing before.

What exactly is this new way of showing surprise?

>   
> Karkat continued, “I got an email from you four nights ago! I couldn’t understand it, but I knew I had to see you…I knew I had a pale crush on you.”

  
How long did it take for Karkat to leave? Has it been three nights? What is the time scale for all this?

>   
> Gamzee continued to look confused. Then he gave a demonic smile.

  
oh wow such an evocative description of his change of emotions

>   
> He said, “I remember that email. I remember it now. I wasn’t asking for pale. I WAS ASKING FOR PAIL.”

  
I don't remember this part. I don't think I meant Gamzee to be earnest when he says this.

  
  


> Gamzee grabbed Karkat’s crotch with his uninjured hand.
> 
> “We can be kismesis IF JUST FOR ONE DAY,” he yelled.   
> Karkat tried to push his hand off but couldn’t.

  
Damn, Gamzee is really sexually harassing Karkat in this fic.

  
  


> “Giving me the reacharound? Feeling red for me?” Gamzee asked, “FILL ME UP WITH YOUR RED.”   
> “I’m not getting near your nook to…red?”

Karkat: *spittakes*

>   
> Gamzee grabbed Karkat’s hand with his injuried hand. One of the glass shards pressed into Karkat’s hand. A dot of candy red appeared among the smeared indigo.

  
The official album “ColoUrs and Mayhem” would establish “indigo” as the name of the Zahhaks' bloodcolor and “colbalt” the Serkets' color. That came after this fic and a good deal of the fandom ignores that. I held out but now I use “indigo” to refer to the Zahhaks' blood.

  
Also, I misspelled “injured”.

  
Gamzee crows over the confirmation and Karkat is surprised to know Gamzee always knew.

>   
> “Come on and fuck me! Give me that final fucking humiliation! USED AS A PAIL BY MY OLDEST FRIEND, A FILTHY MUTANT!”
> 
> “No!”

wow racist gamzee. Gamzee roars:

> “AM I SO GODDAMN USELESS EVEN TO YOU?”
> 
>  

Gamzee isn't acting out of lust when he sexually harasses Karkat.

 

> Gamzee suddenly shoot up and looked off into the distance with a terrified look in his eyes. He then fell on the floor.

  
Paradox Space's shortest aura.

>   
> Karkat snarled, “First you lick me, then you grab your crotch, now you’re presenting for me?”

  
Gamzee fell into a sexy posture apparently.

>   
> But Gamzee couldn’t hear him. His eyes were looking at nothing as he convulsed on the floor.

  
Since we're in Karkat's POV, Gamzee should only _seem_ not to hear him.

The seizure is described very drily for a SEIZURE. In this scene the dialogue is dramatic but everything else is beige.

>   
> “Ha ha ha,” Karkat laughed nervously, “Nice folk dancing, but, uh, the shows over? Snap out of it, Gamzee, snap out of it!”   
> Gamzee didn’t stop convulsing.   
> “Oh god. Oh god oh god oh god oh god. He’s having a fucking seizure.”

  
Callback to Sollux's (first) death, which was a callback to the creepy Muppet Babies fancomic Bro had on the fridge.

  
Karkat calls Aradia who immediately tells him she can walk him through the episode.

 

> “Walk me through what?” Karkat asked, “Oh shit, this is some obnoxious psychic thing isn’t it? Can’t you let me tell you what’s happening first before you freak me out by scrying all over me?”
> 
> “Hmmm…nope, it’s easier if you just pretend that part of our conversation just happened.”
> 
> Does Aradia's psychic powers work that way?

  
  


Aradia tells Karkat to clean up the glass and anything else that might hurt Gamzee, which freaks Karkat out because he never told her about the glass. He then tries to pick up the glass with his hands before Aradia has to tell him to use something.

 

> “Okay,” he said to Aradia, “All my shit’s far far away from him…oh fuck I don’t have a wallet don’t I need a wallet?”   
> “What do you need a wallet for?”   
> “I NEED A WALLET FOR WALLET PURPOSES!”

  
Referring to the urban myth that you're supposed to put a wallet under the tongue of someone in a seizure. The idea is that way they don't bite their tongue off. Even if it was true that you should shove something in someone's mouth why a wallet? Won't your money get soggy?

  
Aradia tells Karkat to put something under Gamzee's head. Karkat puts a towel under Gamzee's head.

> “Okay, he’s on his side. What now?”   
> “Good! His airways won’t get blocked now.”   
> “HIS AIRWAYS COULD GET BLOCKED?”

Which is why you shouldn't shove anything into an epileptic's mouth. Or anyone's mouth.

> “Calm down, Karkat! You have to keep the patient calm too.”   
> Karkat looked over at Gamzee. “Calm down, calm down, it’s okay,” he said to him, “I won’t let you die. If you die on me I will kill you, you asshole.” He went back to the phone, “Okay, now what?”   
> “That didn’t sound very calming.”

That's our Karkat! *laugh track*

> “I know, he’s still convulsing, what should I do?”   
> “If my timing is right, it’s only been three minutes. It should stop on its own.”   
> “Should? Did you foresee it?”   
> “No, I didn’t see that much. Just the glass and the seizure and you calling.”

Time is so hard to write. Would everything mentioned take three minutes or would it take more or less time?

> “What happening if he doesn’t stop? Will he just keep dancing for the rest of his life? Will he be a vegetable? Will he be a fucking dancing vegetable?”

  
I actually like this line.

> “As I said, it should slow down soon, but if it doesn’t, I gave you some anticonvulsant…”   
> “And I’ll need to break his thoraxplate and stab him in the heart with the needle, right?”   
> “What? No. You just press the pen needle down. Don’t stab him!”   
> “Okay, okay, I won’t, considered me schoolfed!”

  
Reference to the Medicine Fail in “Pulp Fiction”.

> Karkat looked at Gamzee. He was moving less but he was drooling like a caninebeast suffering from a viral nerve infection. His eyes were wide open and rolled back.

  
And Gamzee isn't looking so hot neither! (oh you pronouns)

Viral nerve infection = rabies.

> Karkat reported the news to Aradia. “He’s going slower. Should I celebrate or does that just fucking mean he’s going to stop moving forever?”  
> “No, that is good.”   
> “It doesn’t look good! He looks like he’s been bitten by some wild animal and all the blood isn’t helping!”   
> “You should clean the cut on his hand as soon as he stops convulsing. ”   
> “Goddamnit I will and stop knowing that happened!”

“Karkat reported the news to Aradia” is redundant.

Aradia already demonstrated she knows about the glass so Karkat really shouldn't be surprised right now.

> “Don’t be so worried, Karkat. He’ll soon stop and you can fix him up! He’s lucky to have you there to take care of him. What if you weren’t there when he had this seizure?”   
> Karkat muttered to himself, “If I wasn’t here he would have never had this seizure.”

I don't go into why exactly Gamzee had a fit but it's a combination of drug withdrawal and stress.

> Gamzee stopped convulsing and started breathing heavily. Karkat wiped his mouth with the edge of the towel.

Rather anti-climatic way to describe the end of an unexpected seizure.

> The moirail opened and closed his mouth and tried to say something.

Since we are still in Karkat's POV, it should be “as if” or “seemed”.

> “It’s okay,” Karkat said, “Don’t fucking try to say anything, you don’t have to explain the miracle of epilepsy, just calm the fuck down while I…”

Gamzee doesn't have epilepsy though.

> He looked over at Gamzee’s blood incrusted hand.   
> “God fucking damn,” he said, “At least it stopped bleeding. Fucking tidal wave of blood in here.”

Misspelled “encrusted”.

> He searched around the medical kit. He had seen it just a few minutes ago but it seemed like hours ago and he couldn’t find it and it seemed to take hours to find it.

The sentence also took hours.

> He got out the bandages before realizing he needed to take out the glass shards first. He took out the tweezers and grabbed Gamzee’s wrist before letting it go and saying,   
> “Oh, Gamzee, I need to pluck out these glass shards, so don’t wave your hand around anytime soon.”   
> With a shaking hand, he managed to pick all the glass without horribly damaging his patient’s hand too much. He then scrubbed the hand with all the disinfecting wipes in the kit and wrapped it up tight in bandages.

Looking at this now, I don't think this is good First Aid. Sometime after writing this, I read Das-Mervin's sporking of New Moon. It said that “Doctor” Carlise Cullen's treatment of Bella's glass wounds was completely wrong. You need to go to a hospital for glass cuts. My Dad once punched a glass window trying to get away from a swarm of bees and he needed a hospital, though a big part of that was his bee allergy. However, Alternia doesn't have hospitals. I'm tempted to write a fic where Gamzee goes to the hospital for glass cuts.

> Gamzee’s eyes had returned to normal and he looked on with dull curiosity.   
>  “Huh,” he said, “The glass reflects all pretty the blood.”   
> “Guh, no,” Karkat muttered, “Don’t talk about blood, there’s enough here as there is.”

I use the phrase “dull curiosity” a lot.

Karkat picks up the phone again and he's surprised again Aradia knows what happened.

> “I’ll come over there soon,” she said, and hung up.   
> God, thought Karkat, it’s creepy when a psychic tells you they’re coming over. It’s not just a plan, it’s a prophecy.

She's coming over to help you! Don't be creeped out!

> Karkat walked over and laid down in front of Gamzee.   
> “You have my permission to call this one a miracle,” he said.

I like this line.

> A few minutes later, Karkat couldn’t tell how long, the front door opened and slammed shut.Gamzee jolted and for a second Karkat was afraid he was about to have a relapsed, but he calmed down again.
> 
> Karkat could tell from the noise downstairs that it was his monstrous lusus back from an errand and not the quiet and polite Aradia.

Good thing I didn't say “Crabdad came in” since in Karkat's POV he can't be 100% sure it's Crabdad.

Crabdad is fanon but it's not like there's a canon name for Karkat's lusus. Aradia and Eridan's lusii don't have canon names. Interestingly enough, Gamzee calls his lusus “Old Goat” which is also a nickname for Satan.

> He wondered what would have happened if Crabdad had been there when Gamzee had his episode . No, he thought, that wouldn’t have been good. He probably would have cut the head off the troll menacing his charge and Karkat would have been too nervous himself to stop his lusus.

Lusii are mean. Even Tinkerbull.

Random fandom fact: there was this famous girl!Tinkerbull cosplayer and people were angry because Tinkerbull is male plus they didn't have anything better to be angry at.

> He heard the crab creature click and shuffle up the stairs. Karkat yelled at the door for Crabdad to leave him alone, and Crabdad gave a hiss that said “You’re doing something naughty in there, but I’m not going to stop you.” Karkat felt guilty, like he really was self-pailing or something worse.

How do lusii communicate with their charges?

> Gamzee was still a bit nervous, so Karkat gave up his dislike for personal touch and stroked his moirail’s shoulder.   
> “There, there, you big lug,” he said, “It’s just Crabdad crabbing about. Your think pan is safe with me.”

Karkat's dislike of personal touch is probably exaggerated in fanon, if he has a dislike in the first place.

> Gamzee’s muscles loosened.

Until they loosened too much, creating yet another hot mess.

> “Aradia’s coming over soon to fix any messes I made,” Karkat added.   
> “His matesprite,” Gamzee mumbled in reply, his shoulders stiffening a little.   
> Fuck, Karkat thought. Fucking jealousy. So entertaining in movies, so fucking painful in real life. Wasn’t that the way it always was?

Still misspelling matesprit.

Gamzee's jealousy doesn't mean he's shipped with Equius in this fic. It's fully Aradia<3Equius<3<OC series.

> “But then she’ll leave, and we can watch any movie you want! Maybe I have something with clowns in it, or miracles, and it’ll be something with a happy ending.”

They can watch that ICP Little-People Western.

> Gamzee melted into a puddle, but thankfully an alive and conscious one.

“Oh that this too too solid flesh would melt” - Gamzee Makara

Karkat forgoes proper cleaning to sit with Gamzee.

> So he laid by Gamzee’s side even longer. The room was cold from the air blowing in from the broken window, and Karkat was afraid it would make Gamzee sick but he was even more afraid to turn his back on the body. At least Gamzee ran warm. Karkat wore his long sleeve shirt even during warmer times while Gamzee didn’t mind running into the cold ocean naked. The temperature in the room was more uncomfortable for him than it was for his moirail.

Going against canon biology. I admit I don't like highbloods being colder but that's for sexy reasons.

> Karkat wished and prayed for Aradia to come soon. He even tried sending his thoughts to her. Please come, he thought, you’re a miracle worker and I’m a miracle breaker. I can’t fix computers, how am I supposed to fix a troll? It wasn’t that he doubted she would come. She could, after all, see into the future and she knew she wou ld be here. He just wanted it to be soon than later. Things were awkward in here.

It's always good to see Aradia in a FailureArtist story. Hail Aradia, Full of Grace!

> Karkat had so many questions for Gamzee, but he was afraid to ask them now when he was in such a state. Okay, to be honest, he was afraid to ask them at anytime. Finally, he decided it might help to talk to him just to keep the patient from falling asleep.

Do you need to keep patients who have had a fit awake? I know that's true for head trauma victims.

> “You okay?” he asked.   
>  “As okay as I can be, bro,” Gamzee answered.   
> “Heh, that was a miracle back there? Maybe I should convert to your religion. We could wear matching makeup and dance around and do really crappy raps! Have a rap off! Ha, but no, I’m kidding you. Never could get into even orthodox religion. Fuck the gods, yeah! But not your gods. They’re cool with me, for now.”   
> Karkat stopped babbling.

Again, I present The Mirthful Messiahs as a heresy instead of a state religion. I can't remember if the Grand Highblood a.k.a. Space Pope had been revealed at this point.

> “Did you mean what you said, about the hate and pailing and blood?” he asked.   
> “Huh?” said Gamzee, “Sorry bro, but I don’t really remember what goes on during one of my turns.”

Gamzee has violent blackouts in this verse. People think that's what happened in canon but we never find out Gamzee's mental state. After his introduction, we're never in his POV and he doesn't have much dialogue.

> “Yeah, that’s why they call it a turn, because you got turned inside out. Why did I expect you to remember anything after your brain pan’s been turned into an electric eel? You can’t remember things during the best of times!”

Sollux's land is called Land of Brains and Fire which suggests trolls use the word brain but nobody ever combines “brain” and “pan”.

> “Yeah, electric eels are pretty cool,” Karkat said, “Don’t really know a lot about them. Don’t know what else is in the ocean. Big scary things and shit. Don ’t go near the ocean, lusii tell their charge, it’s dangerous! Though obviously seatroll lusii don’t say that, that would be really stupid.”

This type of rambling doesn't seem to fit Karkat.

> Gamzee asked, “What did I say about blood?”   
> “Fuck,” Karkat said, “Oh, yeah! You said there was a lot of blood around here, because you griefed with the window and lost.”   
>  “Oh,” Gamzee said, “I don’t remember that, but I know I don’t like reflections much.”   
> “Yes, you told me about the little fairies haunting mirrors.”   
> “Heh, not fairies, bro, just trolls.”

Fear of mirrors: spectrophobia, catoptrophobia, or eisoptrophobia (the last being specifically one's own reflextion). Gamzee's comes from disassociation. For a period of time I avoided mirrors but that was because I thought it was moral.

Gamzee remembers he was talking about red blood.

> “But I do remember…” Gamzee said, “I remember one night when I was over at your hive. You were watching some movie and you started to cry. Not bawling or anything, just a little sniffle. That miracle water was red, but I couldn’t tell what shade.  I was looking and you saw I looking and you got all spooked.   
> “But then you gave a look that said, ‘Oh wait, it’s just poor dumb Gamzee’, and you wiped your eyes like it wasn’t a motherfucking thing.”

Tears are canonly blood-colored even though I don't think they have blood in them. (Though on rare occasion humans can cry blood). Genetic material is assumed to be blood-colored based on Karkat yelling at a flirting Eridan that he doesn't want anything Eridan's color near him. People have made all sorts of bodily fluids blood-colored but that raises the question of how Karkat could keep his blood a secret if things like sweating could out him.

Notice I figured out how to do characters speaking multiple paragraphs. Not that the dialogue needed a new paragraph.

> “It’s not a motherfucking thing,” Karkat said, “I just don’t want anyone to see me crying at the manipulative shit the movie industry excretes. You don’t have to tell everyone!”

Karkat doesn't see Trollywood as shit even though it probably is. He loves schmaltz.

> “Oh,” said Gamzee, “I thought colors meant something special. Like it meant you were like Aradia, except you…”   
>  The door opened. It was Aradia.

Speak of the angel! Except that I meant the front door so Karkat shouldn't know it was Aradia.

So Aradia goes to the respiteblock door.

> “Took you long enough!” Karkat said as he got up.   
> “What are you talking about?” she said, “It just took me like forty-five minutes to get here! I was already in distance of the hive when I got your call!”   
> “Oh, you were prepared. Sorry about that.”

Again, Karkat apologizes.

Did 45 minutes really go by?

> She looked down at his hand.   
> “You want me to dress your wound?”   
> “No,” said Karkat, “Your patient is the guy lying on the floor in a pool of his own blood!”   
> “It’s not really a pool. It’s more like a few drips.”   
>  “The room looks like a hurricane of blood came crashing through!”   
> “You’re being over-dramatic, Karkat.”

She's being under-dramatic.

> Gamzee said to her, “You just visit my bro Equius?”   
>  “Last night,” Aradia said nervously.   
> “You smell like red sex.”   
> Karkat cringed.   
> Gamzee lifted his head a little. “Whole room smells like red.”   
> Karkat did a 2x combo cringe.   
>  “He’s still a little out of it,” he said.   
> “I figured as much,” Arad ia said, “Though I guess he was never much in it.”   
>  “Heh, is Equius in you?” Gamzee muttered.

Gamzee goes back to sexual harassment.

> “Did he really fuck up his hand badly?” Karkat asked, “Will you have to amputate it? In this room?”

If this was medically accurate she would.

Aradia talks about Karkat's bandages but Karkat put his hand away. Then the subject changes to Gamzee's bandages without any possesives.

> “He’ll need a few stitches.”   
> “I’ll call Kanaya,” Karkat replied.   
> “No, silly, not those stitches. He needs a suture. I think I can do that.”   
> “You think!?”

In all other fics, it would be Kanaya doing this. Actually, it's unlikely the average teenage who isn't Doogie Howser could do it.

“You think!?” suggests Karkat means Aradia can obviously do it when instead I meant he's skeptical she can.

> “Hold Gamzee’s other arm.”   
> Karkat walked over to Gamzee’s other side and held his arm.   
> “Calm down and don’t have another seizure,” he told his moirail, “She’s a real pretend doctor, she can help you.”

Real pretend doctor.

> Karkat looked away while Aradia did her work.

Her vague work. Maybe she's giving Gamzee a blow-job.

> “She’s really pretty, isn’t she? Really fucking hot?” he whispered, “I see why my bro ended up with her.”   
> “Shut up!” Karkat whispered, “Don’t expend any energy. Just concentrate on breathing and not on the pain.”   
> “I think I like the pain. She’s good at bring the pain.”   
> “Shut up!” he whispered again.

Currently, I like Gay-zee (even when shipped with Terezi!), but Gamzee's talk isn't out of lust as much as the need to be creepy.

> Karkat never thought he would ever feel this uncomfortable around a moirail.

He's spent most of his time being uncomfortable around his moirail.

> There was a silence as the clicking of medical tools stopped.   
> “Um, Karkat, I finished some time ago? You can stop clenching your eyes closed?”   
> “Gamzee still needs my help!” he shouted with his eyes closed.

So Aradia's just been waiting for Karkat to open his eyes?

> “Well, yes, he certainly does. But I think you should go get him some water.”   
> “Oh fuck! I’ve been dehydrating him! Here he is almost passed out in shock and I’m not even giving him my piss to drink!”   
> “Please don’t piss in his mouth. Or use a wallet.”   
> “What sort of water should I get him? Mineral water? Seltzer water? Water from the Gates of Tannhauser?”   
> “I think tap water is good enough.”

“Gates of Tannhauser” is a Blade Runner reference, though at the time I hadn't seen the movie. Now I've seen every movie in the world.

> Karkat walked to the hygiene block to get a glass of water. He kept his eye on Gamzee, and it wasn’t because his moirail was injuried. He brought the glass over to Gamzee and put it to his lips before the troll took it from his hand.   
> “I assume the tap water here is good,” she said, “At my hive I have to boil my well-water.”   
> “And that’s good enough for you,” Gamzee said, spraying a little water.

Maybe Hiveswap will answer the question of how quality Alternian tap water is.

Gamzee is now a racist creep.

> Karkat gave him an angry look.  Aradia must have noticed the tension, because she then stood up.

The best thing to do when someone mutters insults is to stand up.

> “I should probably leave now,” she said, “I think you have everything under control. You can call me if you need me. Don’t worry, I’ll probably know your calls coming.”   
> “Goddamn, that’s creepy,” Karkat said.   
>  “I think it’s reassuring.”

Okay, Karkat is easily creeped out.

> She looked over at the broken window. “You’ll need to put, like, a plastic bag over that. Hmmm, plastic.”

This is foreshadowing but I forget for what.

Aradia says goodbye to Karkat and Gamzee and only Karkat replies. Aradia leaves.

> “What was that about?” he growled, “Do you want me to auspictize between you guys? Because I am sure she doesn’t feel that way about you.”   
> “And I don’t feel that way about her,” Gamzee replied.   
> “Then stop the black flirting!”   
> “I guess I’m too flirtatious. I say all these motherfucking things I don’t mean.”

This is way before Gamzee's unsubtle ashen flirting with Rose.

> Karkat sighed. He needed to address the behemoth in the room. This was the night to grief behemoths.   
> Karkat asked Gamzee, “Do you hate me?”   
> Gamzee answered, “Yes.”

On this dramatic note, the chapter ends.

I did do research on seizures, including watching a video, when I wrote this chapter. I'm not quite certain if I got it right. I welcome comments from people who know better.

 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: rape discussed, suicide-baiting

Last time on MMFBF: Gamzee said he hates Karkat.

> _Gamzee’s response wasn’t as surprising as some unromantic primitive alien species might assume._

Getting rather omniscient here for a usually narrator-less story. We continue on with some wordswordswords on troll romance:

> _Scholars of romance have argued over what emotions a moirail should have towards their patron. While it was obvious that the patron was suppose to feel a strong pity with no distracting sexual feelings, no one could agree how the moirail was suppose to feel. Some said the moirail in a moirallegiance just stayed at the baseline emotion all trolls feel towards trolls that aren’t their enemy. Moirallegiance is a one way relationship. The patron confesses their pale love to their moirail and the moirail accepts it. This fits in with the way pale courting is carried out in troll society. If the moirail is the one to make the first move, they never admit it publically. Others say that despite the moirail’s socially enforced stoicism, they feel great pity towards their patron for taking on such a burden. Trolls with this opinion tend to be advocates of a mo re equalitarian reacharound-type moirallegiance._

Now it comes out what a patron is: the pacifier/caretaker in a moirallegience. For example, Feferi and Kanaya were the patrons and Eridan and Vriska were the moirails. On one hand, this terminology has no canon basis. On the other hand, it does seem to be part of the definition of pale romance that one person is stable and the other unstable. It's like a parent-child relationship and that's probably one reason why fanon sometimes has “rails with pails” be the troll equivalent of incest (though if it were it would make Eridan's attempt to change his pale romance to a red one disturbing). The idea of the unstable partner is apathetic and passive seems more like Greek Love than filial love.

In the flash “Equius: Seek the Highb100d”, Nepeta looks at her picture of Karkat<>Gamzee and note that while before she imagined Gamzee calming Karkat now the opposite is needed. She is correct...but not forever.

The paragraph continues:

> _A third group, while not denying that some moirails feel pity for their patron, point out how close pity is to hate and how easily pity can turn to hate._

On one hand, Karkat's speech to Vriska on troll romance is suspect, on the other hand, if red = pity = close to hate = black, that would explain how trolls can flip flop between such opposite quadrants.

> _Trolls hate gratitude; they wish to lob the favor back to the other person’s court as soon as possible. If they hate it when it’s just a matter of a few credits, it’s even worse when it involves admitting they’re so weak they need someone to control and take care of them. The moirail ends up hating their patron. This is often the case when the patron is much lower on the hemospectrum than the moirail, but the moirail is in such a dire situation they desperately need help._

Do trolls hate being in debt to anyone? When it comes to vengeance this is true.

In Kanaya<>Vriska and Nepeta<>Equius, the more emotionally stable one is the lowerblood and according to Equius the higher the blood the more violent. While I suspect this rule is more cultural than genetic, it probably is true that highbloods are more violent. Hence, they would need more reining in. So a good moirail for a highblood would be a lowblood, but that means being scolded by an inferior. Maybe this will be explored in Hiveswap?

> _Karkat and Gamzee’s relationship matches this to the T, and even advocates of the other theories admitted in those situations it’s perfectly normal for the moirail to hate even the kindest patron. Karkat, as an amateur scholar of romance, knew this already, so he reacted in the most mature mann er._

The present tense in the first sentence of excerpt doesn't match the rest of the fic, along with the problem of the sudden narrator.

Now here comes the punchline:

> “ _You fucking hate me?!?” he yelled, “Me, after all I’ve done for you? After I’ve wiped up your shit – literally! – you turn around and say you hate me! You lousy ungrateful heartless psychotic waste-chute-fucking dumpass! I should have left you for dead!”_

That was a very Karkat-insult until it ended in dumpass.

> “ _Like you would have left a highblood – THE MOTHERFUCKING HIGHBLOOD – for dead,” Gamzee replied in an odd calm._

Did by this chapter the Grand Highblood had been introduced? Wish there were dates on each chapter.

> “ _Who the fuck would have cared? Your johns? They’d assume you just ODed or, MAYBE, that you had culled yourself for being such a waste of perfectly breathable OXYGEN!”_

Again talk of Gamzee as a prostitute that confused that 4channer into thinking Gamzee was in the sex-for-hire business instead of sex-for-momentary-affection.

Normally I don't like anymore people using culled as the troll word for murder. “Culled” in our language means to kill the weak members of a herd and is a brutal way of saying the prettied-up word “euthanize”. You wouldn't yell at someone who cut you off in traffic that you want to euthanize them. However, Karkat does mean euthanize in this case.

> _Gamzee sulked for a moment and then replied._

“Sulked” seems more of a word for when your mom doesn't take you to McDonald's, not when your friend is hurling verbal abuse at you.

> “ _Still have motherfucking friends, and it doesn’t take mu ch for a lowblood to get themselves lynched.”_
> 
> “ _So I’m a big fucking hero for taking you on! One false move and the seatrolls will drag me under kicking and screaming! I took a huge risk coming to your hive in the first place!”_

Other than the green troll, most of the asshole “johns” are seatrolls.

> _Gamzee stared into Karkat’s eyes.  
>  “It took you a solar sweep, a perigee, and two nights for you to come to my hive,” he said slowly. _

How is Gamzee “Not lucid most of the time” Makara able to get the time so accurate?

> _Karkat sputtered, “But I came, and for your information you’re counting my last visit BEFORE we BOTH started drifting apart as the time when I apparently stopped giving a shit about you!”_

Did Karkat ever visit Gamzee's hive in canon? I don't mean it in the “did Karkat ever give a shit about Gamzee” sense, I mean if it was at all possible to visit his hive. The Beta Trolls might live as far away from each other as the Humans.

> “ _Did I motherfucking say you gave a shit about me?”_

Still, “did Karkat ever give a shit about Gamzee?” is a good question to ask.

>   
>  _“Do I give a shit about you, he asks! I’ve been through hell these past few nights taking care of your shit!”_

Karkat turns Yiddish with that first sentence. Gamzee snaps back:

> “ _I was in hell getting raped by a demon so you wouldn’t get culled.”_

Demon or dog or demon dog (Inuyasha no!). Do trolls have the word “demon” or does “angel” cover it? Does culled work in this case?

> _Karkat’s jaw dropped.  
>  “You…you crazy motherfucker! You are the grudgiest motherfucker that ever held a grudge! Getting pissed off at me because of some fake fictional event! There wasn’t a demon dog, you weren’t getting raped, and your imperial fuckbuddy wasn’t going to blow me out of a cannon! None of it was real, you nookpanned idiot!” _

Karkat obviously has a point.

> _Gamzee rubbed his bandages.  
>  “It was real enough for me, friend. I felt that wicked knot tear me up inside like it wasn’t just a dream.” _

I'm the only one on the internet who doesn't think knotting is sexy.

> “ _But it was a dream! How the hell am I supposed to fuck that idea into your brain pan like your johns fuck their genetic material into your gaping nook?”_

Karkat has had a sharper tongue in this chapter than the previous ones.

> “ _I suffered pain for you, bro, and I ain’t just talking about the dream.”_

I can't remember what this means.

> “ _Do you mean to tell me a musclebeast broke into your hive and raped you?”_  
>  “Heh, that’s just about the only thing that hasn’t,” Gamzee chuckled, “Man, you were always such a literal square who can’t see all the invisible magic around us.”   
> “And you see too much invisible shit.”   
> “I wa s, you know, well, I guess the word is raped, and you didn’t come to face down my motherfucking demons.” 

I get more honest about how dubious Gamzee's sexual encounters are.

> “ _Sorry I didn’t use my non-existent psychic link to sense you were in danger and come on in riding my non-existent flying hoofbeast to save you. You never told me!”_  
>  “Still didn’t save me, still suffered.”   
>  “You could have told me! You have a husktop! You have a phone! You could have used it if you weren’t so fucking high all the time, not like that stopped you from trolling me all the time!”   
> Gamzee said nothing. 

The moral of the story: ask for help. It's one I've needed to learn.

> _Karkat continued, “And if not me, if you hated me for some stupid reason like I said Faygo sucked, you could have told someone else! You could have troll Terezi! She always had a soft spot for you, and she believes there’s some sort of justice out there that isn’t the hemospectrum! She would have hung a rope around all their gilled necks!”  
>  “The blind justice chick?” Gamzee asked, “Don’t know what’s she’s up to now, but has she really graduated from toys to trolls?”   
> Karkat sighed. _

Yes, there was a point where Terezi had a soft-spot for Gamzee. In fact, she was the one to invite Gamzee to the game (though she said it was just because his name sounded like “game” which is so tsundere). Later, she had playful dialogue with him in “Karkat: Wake”. During Murderstuck, she's concerned he's a victim of Vriska (though that might be chucklevoodoos). I'm not the only one to notice this. In the famous Gamrezi fanfic [“The Serendipity Gospels”](http://archiveofourown.org/works/335176/chapters/541856), she's psyched at first to be assigned Gamzee's partner. Gamzee<3<Terezi becoming canon ruined the ship.

> “ _You have a good point and I can’t even tell if you’re making a point,” he said, “Yes, she probably would have just gotten culled for her effort, and so would I, but you didn’t even give us the chance to get culled!”  
>  “Not gonna let a brother or sister get culled.” _

Why would anyone get culled for being Gamzee's moirail? It's a false dilemma.

>   
>  _“See? It was your choice. You didn’t tell us. You kept the news from us.”  
>  “It was all bad news, and I didn’t want you to get your rage on cause you raging all the time.”   
> “Well, congratulations on not pissing me off! You just let a little bad news turn into a mountain of behemoth droppings worth of bad news and then plonked it all me in one badly written email!” _

This conflict makes sense.

> “ _Don’t even remember the email.”  
>  “You don’t remember anything but your grudges against your real friends!” _

It is odd Gamzee remembers exactly when Karkat last visited.

> _Karkat looked over at the garbage bag labeled fuck no._

The narrator gets too angry to finish the sentence.

> “ _You’ve got a bureaus worth of rape cases – and every single person who ever touched you was raping you, I don’t care if no judge in the universe would ever convict […]_

Well, this might be at the other extreme.

> _[…] bu t all you remember is your best friend didn’t send you a 12 th perigee eve card and another friend is dating a guy you gave up on!”_

But why didn't you send him a 12th perigee eve card, Karkat?

> “ _Suffering,” Gamzee said slowly and deliberately, “Is motherfucking suffering.[..]_

Says troll Buddha. There's a troll Jesus, why not a troll Buddha?

> _[..]I suffered for a sweep to keep you happy. I suffered an eternity to keep you alive.”  
>  “It wasn’t real, and it wasn’t an eternity!” _

Gamzee's being real psychotic and I don't mean it in the generic violent and evil sense.

> “ _I wish it wasn’t a dream,” Gamzee growled, “cause then when I decided to wake up, you’d be dead.”_

4chan was amused by this line but it makes sense in context.

> _Gamzee’s teeth were barred in a snarl._
> 
> “ _You want me dead?” Karkat said standing up and pulling out his sickle, “Then grief me!”_

“Grief” comes from the non-flash where Karkat fights his lusus. The Alternian word translates as “grief”, likely a reference to real-life internet trolls causing mischief in internet games. Or something. Anyway, it's another term nobody uses in the canon.

> _Gamzee fell to his side._

Wah-wah-waaaaaaah

> “ _Stupid invalidism getting you out of your fights,” Karkat muttered as he put a towel pillow under his moirail’s head._

Is invalidism really the right word?

On that, the chapter ends. The fight is not resolved. Still a good chapter. Exciting stuff happened.

  
  


 

 


	10. Chapter 10

Last time: Gamzee and Karkat argue. This chapter: Karkat thinks.

Short part with Crabdad giving goods. Karkat repairs the window. He checks Gamzee's temperature with a wave-over thermometer. Gamzee has a fever for some reason. Karkat puts a cold compress on Gamzee's head.

> “ _Go to sleep, my sad clown,” he whispered to Gamzee, “I still love you.”_

This seems sweet but...

> _He wondered if that was true._

Long paragraph ahead:

> _Despite pity being a part of redrom, respect was still a part of romance. It wouldn’t do the gene pool much good if total losers were considered hot._

Which makes it questionable that trolls base sexual attraction on pity like Karkat said. Well, I though of it like peacock tails.

> _It didn’t matter as much in moirallegiance, but the patron did have to think there was some good in their moirail worth saving._

It's also important in black romance. A healthy black romance is each person pushing the other to greatness. One reason Gamzee<3<Terezi didn't work is Terezi didn't see anything good in Gamzee and presumably vis versa. I'm not sure it could work even under favorable conditions, unlike Gamzee and Dave who have a strange respect for each other (before Gamzee abused Terezi).

Maybe Karkat<>Gamzee couldn't work in any universe because Karkat doesn't respect Gamzee, but who does other than Tavros in Hivebent?

> _When he and his friend were younger, before the drifting apart, he did admire Gamzee a little bit for being so content. Somehow he seemed with it. Turns out that was a lie and Gamzee was just as psycho as the rest of his friends._

This is a reason Karkat considered Gamzee a friend in canon.

> _What was good about Gamzee? What will he be like when he’s completely reformed? Would he still be a candidate for culling?_

Questions that are never answered.

> _Would he still be a candidate for culling? Perhaps the powers that be would spare him for his rare and very noble blood, but that wasn’t good enough for Karkat. He wanted a moirail who could pass the tests even if he was a peasant or at least a noble of more common blood._

I used to think purple blood was rarer than violet blood. No evidence in canon but it's not like we know the exact ratios.

> _His ambitions to prove himself as a warrior were now overridden by his desire to become the greatest pale lover. He wanted Gamzee to be great, and himself to be the troll behind the troll. People would look at his moirail and say “My, why would he ever need a patron? Perhaps he is the patron, but his partner is so with it and totally not a midget with a short temper!”_

People say Kankri doesn't really care about people and just wants to be important unlike Karkat who truly cares but if you look at Karkat he is also obsessed with being important. That's why both Vantases have pretensions memos no one reads.

Equius calls Karkat a “tactical midget” though that might not refer to height. However, everyone headcanons Karkat as short.

> _Makara would be known as The Highblood, and anyone who wanted to mess with Karkat would have to go through him._

Again, did I know about the Grand Highblood?

> _Not that Vantas the General couldn’t hold his own, of course. There would be a statue of them on the Imperial Mall! People would praise their names forever more!_

By mall I mean “a large lawn where monuments might be found”, not “that place with Yankee Candles and Hot Topic”.

> _Unfortunately, Gamzee Makara was Gamzee Makara. He was lanky fool with the mind and body of a wriggler._

Body of a wriggler? Everyone draws Gamzee as twenty-five. (Meanwhile, Nepeta is five)

> _He didn’t have psychic powers, wasn’t that good with his clubs, and probably couldn’t do archery._

Irony!

Did Gamzee ever do archery before Murderstuck? Where did that talent come from?

> _He had likely never been in a schoolfeeding booth in his entire life._

We don't know how wriggler education works. That'll very likely come up in Hiveswap. For now, Venture Bros. learning beds works.

> _What could he be except a jester? But he couldn’t even be good at that. He was terrible with words despite his love of poetry and couldn’t remember anything without a reminder pinned to his chest. He couldn’t ride a unicycle or any other comic troll-powered vehicles. Guess he could dance. Maybe he could be a jester, but how would that bring him fame? Jesters were often sterilized so that their horrible genes wouldn’t pollute the troll species. They aren’t going to put up a statue of a sort-of-okay jester in even a communal excretion center. No one would proudly claim him as their ancestor. He would bring dishonor to anyone he was associated with._

Laughassassins had already come up at this point (in a tasteless analogy by Gamzee) so I should have known better than to think clowns were ineffectual undercastes. Then again, everyone uses the word clown the same way us humans use it.

> _If he couldn’t be a decent jester, there was the job he had been doing for most of his adolescence. Of course, Karkat wasn’t going to let Gamzee do that._

I can see why people thought Gamzee was actually a prostitute.

> _Maybe he should try and work on Gamzee’s jester skills. The goof could be rather clever when he was being shithive maggots. He also needed some serious time in the schoolfeeding booth, but that would have to wait until he wasn’t vomiting._

Activities that won't be seen in this fic (except the vomiting).

> _Speaking of vomiting, Karkat got a liquids container and put it next to Gamzee. He also got him another glass of water and tried to pour it in the lying troll’s mouth. He only succeeded in getting Gamzee wet. Perhaps that was fine as well. Helps cool-down the fever patient._

Karkat, don't pour things down Gamzee's throat.

> _Karkat laid down on the floor and looked at the religious iconography around him. Perhaps that’s what he could respect about Gamzee. He had faith. The impious troll wasn’t thinking of religious faith. He would be totally happy if the Juggalo stopped being a Juggalo. He was thinking of Gamzee’s faith that everything was truly beautiful. Even thought the world was a craphole, he could still see miracles everywhere. As broken down as he was, there was still a spark of ambition left in him. His faith was a thing of beauty._

A commentator ([link to thread](http://archiveofourown.org/comments/387379)) said that mmfbf!Gamzee wasn't very likable, lacking both his innocent charm and his badassery. I dealt with them respectfully (which shows my problem with 4chan wasn't that they criticized my work). I think the commentator was right, which is ironic since writing this Gamzee made me love him. I think if I had continued MMFBF I could have built back up Gamzee's charm. I don't have any plans to do this.

> _Guess their moirallegiance had that going for it._

Plus the movie[ “Breakfast at Alternia Tiffany's”.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ClCpfeIELw&ytbChannel=DeepBlueSthingVEVO)

The introspect chapter ends. Next: more Aradia!

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: medical discussion

The Burgundy Goddess Appears from On High! But first:

> _Gamzee was still not dead._

Unlike General Franco. (that was before my time i'm not that old).

Karkat checks his laptop. There's no fancy formatting of this email or the later pesterlogs. I did use formatting for “Hungry like the Wolf”, including a custom tag for Lupine. I could go format this fic now but that's too much effort.

> _To: carcinoGenetist_
> 
> _From: apocalypseAverted_
> 
> _Subject: h0w is gamzee_

She changed her handle after she didn't die. I don't think any of the other trolls changed their handles.

I misspelled Geneticist.

> _h0w is he right n0w?_

Her typing quirk doesn't have punctuation but that doesn't work in paragraph form.

> _i cant really see much int0 the future s0 i assume things are g0ing well. 0r maybe gamzee will die s00n and thats why i havent seen m0re of him. i h0pe that isnt the case._

Again, how does her powers work?

> _0_0_

She doesn't use the 0u0 smiley. She only used it once in canon and rejected it.

> _im glad it was just a little grand mal and he didnt g0 int0 a continuous seizure._

A “little grand mal” is an oxymoron.

> _i d0nt think we c0uld have dealt with that. the anti-c0nvalsant i gave y0u isnt supp0se to be used 0n tr0lls._

Where did you get veterinary drugs from, Aradia? Hmmm?

> _g00d thing you didnt break his bones to deliver it. what was that ab0ut?_

Pulp Fiction.

> _if the seizure c0ntinued we might have had t0 g0 t0 the h0spital, even th0ugh im n0t sure if there are any._

I think it's safe to say there aren't.

> _i kn0w this is a delicate subject, but why did gamzee act that way ar0und me? d0es he have s0me black feelings f0r me? they pr0bably arent that genuine. i imagine he is in a very c0nfused state right n0w. he might be m0re sexually ar0used then he was bef0re.  s0p0r slime isnt actually very g00d f0r mating abilities th0ugh it l0wers inhibitions. if his feelings remain, i d0nt kn0w what we will d0._

Hey, we don't know anything about slime and after Gamzee got off it he did start wearing a codpiece...

> _please c0ntact me as s00n as you get the chance._
> 
> _aa_
> 
> _Ughh, Karkat thought, that’s the least reassuring email ever.  He was starting to doubt Aradia’s medical expertise. Still, he needed to troll her back._

I think we're all doubting her medical expertise. “Little grand mal”.

> _carcinoGenetist (CG) began trolling apocalypseAverted (AA)_

Did you know that Trollian was a new messaging program? Fanon has it around forever. However, the fan adventure [NepetaQuest](http://mspfanventures.com/?s=185) features the creation of Trollian (and on occasion the title character). In any case, I put parentheses where brackets go.

> _CG: I GOT YOUR EMAIL._
> 
> _CG: YES, GAMZEE ISN’T DEAD BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW LONG THAT WILL LAST._

This was way before we found out Gamzee is unkillable.

> _CG: HE HAS A FEVER AND HE HATES ME._
> 
> _AA: that doesnt sound that bad_
> 
> _CG: WHAT, THE FEVER PART OR THE HATING ME PART?_
> 
> _AA: the fever part_
> 
> _AA: thats perfectly n0rmal_

Just because it's normal doesn't mean it's not bad.

> _CG: BUT IT’S A FUCKING FEVER AND IT’S TWO DEGREES CENTOANDERS._

Using a made-up alien measurement is a bad idea. In this case it was basically Fahrenheit, I think.

> _AA: still perfectly n0rmal f0r s0me0ne g0ing thr0ugh withdrawal_
> 
> _AA: tw0 degrees isnt that bad_
> 
> _AA: he might n0t actually even have a fever_

Yeah, if it is Fahrenheit it's not bad.

> _CG: HE DOES HAVE A FEVER._
> 
> _CG: HE’S LYING HERE SHIVERING AND SWEATING._
> 
> _CG: WHY THE FUCK DO TROLLS SHIVER DURING FEVERS, THAT DOESN’T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE._

In humans, it's because the brain is warmer than the body and the body is trying to catch up.

Plus the term “cold turkey” comes from the fever and chills of withdrawal.

> _AA: hmmm_
> 
> _AA: i was g0ing to say he might just have a high c0re temperature but n0 he d0es have a fever_

This might be before Mindfang's journal where she can tell a midblood by her temperature. No, that was on Valentine's Day and this was written in the summer. I don't have that excuse.

> _CG: THANK YOU DOCTOR FOR CONCURRING WITH ME._
> 
> _CG: YES HE HAS A FEVER AND IT’S A BAD ONE._

“Concur” makes me think of that scene in “Catch Me If You Can” when Frank in his doctor con keeps asking his interns if they concur since that's what doctors say in TV medical dramas.

> _AA:  as i said thats n0t that high_
> 
> _AA: y0u sh0uld 0nly w0rry if it g0es up m0re by tw0 0r m0re degrees_
> 
> _CG: OH FUCK THAT’S NOT A LOT OF LEEWAY IS IT?_
> 
> _CG: JUST TWO LOUSY DEGREES AND HE’LL DIE ON ME._
> 
> _AA: there is a large distance between grades 0n the anders system\_

So Gamzee should already be in trouble!

> _CG: SO WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF HIS TEMPERATURE GOES UP TO THAT POINT?_
> 
> _CG: WILL HE JUST BOIL AWAY TO NOTHING LEAVING ME WITH A PAIR OF POLKA DOT PANTS?_

Makes me wonder how high a fever canon Gamzee could get. He could light fires and be alive. Spooky.

> _AA: y0u think 0f the m0st silly c0nsequences karkat_
> 
> _AA: y0ull just have t0 use intraven0us hydrati0n_
> 
> _CG: OH GOOD, LET ME JUST GET MY INTRAVENOUS HYDRATION MACHINE._
> 
> _CG: OOPS, I DON’T HAVE ONE._

Yeah, what are you talking about, Ms. Goddess?

> _AA: im not sure gamzee is just 0n s0p0r slime_
> 
> _AA: perhaps he d0es have hyp0dermic needles s0mewhere_
> 
> _CG: FUCK, DO I HAVE TO GIVE HIM MORE DRUGS?_
> 
> _CG: I AM NOT INJECTING ANYTHING INTO HIS BODY AFTER THE HOOFBEAST MEDS DEBACLE._

Injecting water with a hypo needle: my biggest Medical Fail.

Later that year, I was put on intravenous hydration because I'd gotten dehydrated in the time it took to call 911 and arrive at the hospital. I wouldn't have _been_ in that situation if they let me drink my water bottle but the operator said I shouldn't. /personal

> _AA: im n0t saying y0u sh0uld inject any drugs_
> 
> _AA: and i h0pe y0u d0nt_
> 
> _AA: you w0uld just give him a saline drip_
> 
> _CG: DO YOU THINK I’M A FULL-LICENSED QUALIFIED MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL OR SOMETHING HERE?_
> 
> _AA: y0ure right_
> 
> _AA: y0u sh0uldnt attempt that_

Luckily he never did.

> _CG: SO WHAT SHOULD I DO WHEN THE EXCREMENT HITS THE AIR CIRCULATION BLADES?_
> 
> _AA: pray_

Who do trolls that aren't Satanic juggalos pray to?

> _CG: SURE, WHY FUCKING NOT?_
> 
> _CG: HERE’S ONE FOR THE MIRTHFUL MESSIAHS._
> 
> _CG: YOUR DEAREST DEVOTEE IS ON HIS DEATH PILE._
> 
> _CG: PLEASE BRING US SOME MIRACLES AND TWO DOZEN SHITTY HORNS._

Not enough horns in this story.

> _AA: prayer w0uld at least calm y0u d0wn_

In “[Now Let Thy Motherfucker Go In Peace](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4749524)”, Gamzee prays even though [SPOILER] he's found out he's part of his god.[/SPOILER]

> _CG: UNTIL GAMZEE DIED._
> 
> _AA: that would be sad_
> 
> _AA: if he dies ill try and c0ntact his spirit s0 y0u can still talk_
> 
> _CG: I’M SURE HE’LL BE SO ENTHUSED TO TALK TO HIS MURDERER._

What does it mean for troll society that ghosts are a 100% certain thing. Can they testify in court?

> _AA: y0u said he hated y0u_
> 
> _AA: why d0 y0u think that_

The lack of quiz noodle is not an error. Aradia doesn't use them but I cheat later.

> _CG: GODDAMNIT I WAS HOPING TO AVOID THIS TALK._
> 
> _AA: y0u br0ught it up_
> 
> _CG: AND THEN I PROCEEDED TO IGNORE IT AND TALK ABOUT GAMZEE’S SICK FIRES._

“Sick fires” comes from Tavros gloating after an “epic” insult rap.

> _AA: y0u need t0 talk ab0ut this s0metime_
> 
> _CG: I THINK GAMZEE HATES ME BECAUSE GAMZEE STRAIGHT UP TOLD ME HE HATES ME._
> 
> _AA: was this while he was raging_
> 
> _CG: YES, AND AGAIN WHILE HE WAS CALM AND RECUMBENT JUST THINKING ABOUT ALL THE MIRACLES OF HATE AND BLOOD._

“Recumbent” means lying down but he was sitting up.

> _AA: is it blackr0m_
> 
> _CG: NO._
> 
> _CG: MAYBE._

CG: PASS

> _CG: I CAN’T FIGURE OUT THE GUY. ONE MINUTE HE’S BEGGING ME TO FUCK HIM, THE NEXT HE’S TELLING ME TO STAY AWAY._
> 
> _CG: IT’S LIKE HIS LUST BLADDER IS IN A GAME OF KICKINGBALL._

“Kickingball” is a rather unevocative name for a troll sport.

> _AA: and he als0 has black feelings f0r me_

Is this a statement or a question?

> _CG: NO, HE ALSO TOLD ME STRAIGHT OUT HE ISN’T INTO YOU LIKE THAT._
> 
> _CG: HE’S JUST BEING A CONFUSING JERK._

Missed opportunity to say he's capricious. Terminally.

> _AA: so perhaps y0u sh0uldnt take what he says s0 pers0nally_
> 
> _CG: IT’S NOT LIKE HE DOESN’T HAVE REASONABLE REASONS TO HATE ME._
> 
> _CG: ALONG WITH TOTALLY UNREASONABLE ONES._

Where did the idea Gamzee is right to hate Karkat come from?

> _CG: BECAUSE STARRED IN A CRAZY DREAM WHERE HE STABBED EQUIUS WITH A BONE BULGE I’M TO BLAME FOR EVERYTHING._
> 
> _AA: equius?_

And here I give in and use a quiz noodle.

> _CG: FUCK, WHY AM I SO STUPID TONIGHT?_
> 
> _CG: YES, HE HAD A DREAM WHERE HE ROCKED EQUIUS’ WORLD, BUT OF COURSE,_
> 
> _CG: THAT DOESN’T MEAN ANYTHING!!!_

I used to use the phrase “rock [one's] world” in fics. I should start using it again.

> _AA: hes interested in my equius?_
> 
> _CG: NO, I MEAN PARADOX JONES’S EQUIUS._

Paradox Jones is a fanon nickname for troll Indiana Jones. Or maybe I made it up.

> _CG: YES, GAMZEE HAS ISSUES WITH EQUIUS ZAHHAK._
> 
> _CG: HE HAS SOME SORT OF NOT CRUSH WITH YOUR MATESPRITE._
> 
> _CG: HE IS BURNING WITH PASSIONATE INDIFFERENCE FOR HIS SORT-OF FRIEND EQUIUS ZAHHAK._
> 
> _CG: BUT THEIR LOVE WAS DOOMED BECAUSE GAMZEE GOT HIGH AND FORGOT ABOUT IT ALL._

“Burning passionate indiference”.

> _AA: i think gamzee needs s0me cl0sure_

Not really? He can get over it on his own.

> _CG: YOU MEAN ACTUALLY TALKING WITH THAT GUY?_
> 
> _CG: I SUPPOSE I WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO GET OUT OF THAT MEETING._

It's not your quadrant though. Someone else would need to auspitize.

> _AA: just think ab0ut it_

Karkat already resigned to the idea.

> _CG: I’LL LISTEN TO YOUR ADVICE FOR NOW BUT LET ME WARN YOU._
> 
> _CG: I’M GETTING PRETTY TIRED OF YOUR MEDDLING._
> 
> _AA: im n0t meddling_
> 
> _AA: y0ure c0ming t0 me f0r advice_
> 
> _CG: I COME TO YOU FOR MEDICAL ADVICE,_
> 
> _CG: AND EVEN THAT’S BECOMING ANNOYING,_
> 
> _CG: NOT ADVICE ON HOW TO GET ALONG WITH MY OWN DAMN MOIRAIL._

She hasn't given much advice on being a moirail other than “I think gamzee needs some closure”. But this is in-character for Karkat.

> _AA: pale jeal0usy is the dumbest jeal0usy_
> 
> _CG: NO JEALOUSY IS DUMB._
> 
> _CG: JEALOUSY IS WHAT PASSION IS MADE OF._
> 
> _AA: passi0n is what passi0n is made 0f_

Jealousy is overrated as a sign of love. Karkat was anti-jealousy earlier

> _AA: y0u sh0uldnt be afraid t0 ask f0r help_
> 
> _AA: this is a big j0b f0r 0ne tr0ll_
> 
> _CG: BUT I CHOSE IT, SO IT’S MY JOB._

Again the theme of asking for help.

> _AA: ill talk with y0u when y0u arent s0 stressed 0ut_
> 
> _CG: YES, LOOK INTO THE FUTURE TO SEE WHEN I’M NOT ANGRY._
> 
> _CG: I DON’T THINK YOU’LL FIND ANY VISION OF THAT._
> 
> _AA: karkat chill 0ut_

0u0

> _apocalypseAverted (AA) ceased trolling carcinoGenetist (CG)_

The chapter ends here, along with Aradia's involvement in the story (IIRC). Bye, Aradia! Next: a look into Gamzee's mind.

 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I haven't been on top of this. 
> 
> Warning: holocaust mention

This chapter: back in Gamzee's POV.

> Gamzee woke up, or at least he hoped he had woken up finally.  Everything seemed normal. This was his respiteblock. Everything was in its place. There was nothing scary expect for the huge crab monster looking at him.

Don't you hate dreams like that?

> “Ahhhhhhh,” Gamzee said, and was surprised to find his voice didn’t sound scared.

With the lusus he has, he shouldn't be scared of Crabdad.

> The monster standing before him hissed and snapped its claws. Gamzee rolled incredibly slowly onto his back. It was incredible painful to move. Gamzee took a few deep breathes, coughed and gagged, and then rolled back to his side.

Crabdad is ignored for Gamzee rolling around beigely.

> “Um, whoa, what’s up, bro’s dad? Good whatever it is,” Gamzee croaked out.

Gamzee has turned into a frog.

Do trolls say “dad”? Well, there is Spidermom.

> The monster continued to stare at him. Gamzee shivered. He still felt feverish, but not passing out and being tormented by unholy spirits feverish.

I've never had a fever dream, but I've also never gone off sopor slime.

> “Hey, bro’s dad, we’re bros too? Fuck, you a dream beast? Going to fucking rip, rape me up with your claws?”

Gamzee: I flubbed the line!

Director: Keep going!

> Karkat burst out of the bathroom, zipping up his pants.
> 
> “CRABDAD!” he yelled, “Stop menacing the invalid! I’m not going to have my moirail have his heart burst open in here!”
> 
> Crabdad put down his claws.
> 
> “Whooooa, this is some dream. Not that bad a one. Am I going to fuck you?” Gamzee coughed. “That’s fucked up, sleeping with my motherfucking friend moirail.”
> 
> Karkat checked his zipper and then looked up.  
> 
> “How many times do I have to tell you? I’m not going to fuck you!”
> 
> “That’s the bitchtits, cause I’m totally bone…boned.”

This is the THIRD time this misunderstanding has happened.

> “And this is not one of your shitty ass dreams! You’d think your freakish subconscious would set a dream in your own respiteblock instead of some lava dungeon?”
> 
> Gamzee replied, “Sometimes.”

My dreams where I try to wake up but can't occur in a room that's supposed to be my current bedroom but the details are wrong because my subconscious can't remember what my room looks like.

> Gamzee spit up some bile onto the floor. Karkat rushed over and grabbed the liquid container.
> 
> “I put this here for a reason,” he said.  
> 
> “Huh, wow, I got things totally wrong.”
> 
> “You sure did.”

Could have mentioned the not-bucket earlier as a set-up for the joke.

> Karkat looked away and lifted his eyebrows. He touched Gamzee’s shoulder.

He did other things.

> “Still burning up,” he said, “Goddamnit. I thought your fever had broken. I wouldn’t have been such an asshole if I knew you were still sick.”
> 
> He shook his head.
> 
> “Who am I kidding?” he said, “I still would be an asshole.”
> 
> “You’re a…” Gamzee couldn’t finish cheering Karkat up. He couldn’t remember what the next words should be.
> 
> “Don’t talk. There’s nothing you could say to that.”

The words “douchebag”. (I don't like Karkat much these days)

> Karkat sighed heavily. Crabdad walked over and put his claw on his charge’s shoulder, but Karkat pushed it off.
> 
> “Crabdad, you can leave. Go to the door. We’ll probably gets some more guests soon.”

Lusii are really more like pets, at least on Alternia.

> Crabdad left in a huff.

Instead of a taxi.

> Karkat told Gamzee, “While you were passed out, two more…fuck those douchebags, I’m not going to talk about them.”
> 
> Gamzee wondered who they were. He actually felt a little touched that some of his “friends” still bothered to visit.

Should I have written that scene or would it have been redundant after Siebe?

> “Do you remember anything?” his patron asked.
> 
> He did. Oh fuck, he did. He couldn’t remember what he did during his crazy-go-nuts thing but he’d been clued in afterwards. Even if he didn’t know, there was still the broken window and broken hand. And did he hit on Karkat again? Every time he saw that little midget he managed to fuck things up and flirt with him.

So Gamzee wasn't fully-conscious during the “I wish it weren't a dream because then you'd be dead” conversation? And isn't crazy-go-nuts from Homestar Runner?

> There wasn’t anyone he wanted to have sex with less than him. He just hated him.

Glad the hate hasn't gone away. I can't remember if it ever did or if I forgot that “tiny bit” of closure.

> “Sorry…” Gamzee mumbled, “’bout the window.”
> 
> “You should apologize to yourself. It’s your window.”
> 
> “I’m also sorry…” Gamzee rolled onto his back, “I remember, you promised to watch a movie with me.”

Gamzee gets close to apologizing over something more important.

> Karkat exhaled loudly.
> 
> “If you think you’re up to it,” he said, “I think I have a romcom with clowns in it.”

Again, remember, I forgot/didn't know/didn't care that clowns were the elite in troll society. However, it's not like Hussie remembers either given how everyone uses clown as an insult.

My headcanon is movies and television is seen as a midblood thing and depicts midblood sensibilities. That's how trolls have TV shows with olive-blood heroes. The highbloods don't care because the mediums are considered too lowbrow (midbrow?) to bother with, compared with poetry and painting. But that's all headcanon.

> He went onto his husktop and did some sort of thing with it.

Maybe stuck his bulge in it IDK.

Karkat finds a most depressing movie:

> “Okay, here’s the one I was thinking of. ‘Male troll after passing an examination to see if he’ll be spared instead of culled for mental instablity decides to become a doctor and also a clown and uses the power of laughter to keep the soon-to-be-culled from screaming…’ You want to watch that?

This is supposed to be Robin William's “Patch Adams” but it sounds like Jerry Lewis's failed movie “The Day the Clown Cried” [WARNING DISTURBING PLOT]where he plays a clown forced by the Nazi to lead children into the gas chamber. [/DISTURBING] It didn't see the light of day because Lewis was ashamed.

> We can watch it downstairs. This room has too many bad memories.”
> 
> Karkat paused.
> 
> “Actually all your rooms probably have bad memories. Oh god, I don’t want to think about what you’ve done in your leisureblock.”

Karkat: Better burn the place down.

> “Got a screen in my having-a-screen room,” Gamzee said, “We could go there and you could magic things up.”

In “[don't go on casual encounters...](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7917367/chapters/18091204)”, Horuss has in his McMansion a room just for watching movies.

> “You can’t call everything magic. It’s called technology. Can you stand up?”
> 
> Gamzee rolled himself onto his stomach, pulled his knees up, and then pushed himself up quickly. He stood with his arms raised as if he had done some sort of trick.
> 
> “Wow. Are you okay?” Karkat asked.
> 
> “I’m blind, but that’s okay.”
> 
> After the grey fuzzies disappeared from his eyes, he looked over at his concerned patron.
> 
> “Nah, it’s just a thing that happens,” he told him, “Sometimes I go blind but it doesn’t last.”
> 
> “Oh, head rush. Sollux gets those all the time.”

I haven't gotten those in a long time.

> Karkat put his arm around the middle of Gamzee’s back. It was now Gamzee’s turn to tense up. How dare he touch me I’m so much better than him he just wants to fill you with his disgusting goo rise up and join us. He shook those thoughts out of his head and got dizzy in the process. He put his arm on Karkat’s shoulder and they walked out of the room.

The creepy stream-of-conscious falls flat. There's hints of withdrawal bringing out Gamzee's inner blood supremacist. In retrospect his canon bigotry probably comes from Lil Cal, which is part Equius, but that's just conjuncture. It just seems unlikely that sopor slime represses natural bigotry.

> When they got outside, Karkat started to look around in confusion.
> 
> “Why does the first floor and the second floor make sense but the rest of your hive is split-up madness?” he asked.
> 
> “Huh? Don’t know. I never notice anything wrong with it.”
> 
> “Just tell where your screen room place is.”
> 
> Gamzee took his arm off Karkat. He stumbled a bit and then pointed up a flight of twisted stairs.
> 
> “Fuck,” Karkat said, “It just had to be those stairs.”

We never see Gamzee's home beyond the few yards from his front door. It could look like this for all we know:

> Gamzee gave Karkat a disappointed look. He really wanted to go up there, even if he couldn’t remember if that was the right place. He sure hoped it was. Those stairs looked dangerous. Karkat sighed. He helped Gamzee up the stairs. All Gamzee could think was die die die fall down the stairs. He didn’t know which one of them should die. He wished his thoughts could be more clear.

I warned you about suicidal ideation, dog!

Though this is a creepy moment and so real. Sometimes you do walk around the house wondering what can kill you and take you out of your misery.

> The stairs ran for a long time until they got to a big room on the top. The door was open, and inside was a huge screen on the wall and on the floor there were several beanbag chairs.
> 
> “Hmm. Was right, I guess,” Gamzee said.
> 
> “You weren’t sure?”
> 
> They entered the room. Karkat wiped a finger along the wall.
> 
> “Damnit, how long has it been since anyone’s been up here?” he asked.
> 
> “Think some people must have come up here. This place is pretty sweet. You could have an awesome party here.”
> 
> Karkat cringed. Why the hell did that guy cringed so much?
> 
> “I’m not touching those beanbag chairs,” he said as he knelt down beside the technology box thingy.

Karkat gets out a black light and the whole block lights up.

> He took out his husktop and started messing around with the wires. Gamzee fell down into one of the chairs. His patron pulled at the wires and muttered and cursed to himself.
> 
> “Did you organize these in order of color?” he asked.
> 
> “Is that what you’re supposed to do?”
> 
> Karkat grunted.

Apparently not. Though troll wires probably aren't like Earth wires. Sollux has tons of wires all over his block:

> Gamzee laid back in the chair and looked at the ceiling. It was a nice room. He had a lot of nice rooms in his hive. He had a great hive but out of all the places in his hive he just wanted to be in his recupercoon. This chair made him think of it more and more. It was even slime green.

That should be “block” but everyone ignores that.

In “[Now Let Thy Motherfucker Go In Peace](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4749524)”, Gamzee has problems with the green furniture in the Tiki resort.

> A sound emanated from all over the room. Light flashed from the big screen. He sat up quickly and yelled but then fell back again. He covered his ears and eyes. This room was really scary.
> 
> “It’s just the screen. I got it to work,” Karkat explained.

At least I got Gamzee's “easily startled” trait down.

> After a little while, who knows how long, the familiar Imperial Alternian Studio theme started to play. Gamzee slowly rolled back up. Karkat was sitting crossed legged on the floor.
> 
> “This is a really great audio-visual system,” he said, “The  picture is crystal clear and it sound like there’s an entire orchestra crammed into this room. Why were you hiding this from us? You could have been marveling at this instead of your crappy ass husktop.”
> 
> Gamzee tried to marvel but failed. It was just sound and images. That shit was everywhere. It was a miracle, but what wasn’t a miracle? Maybe less things should be miracles. Marveling could get really exhausting.

Good depiction of anhedonia in this chapter.

> The movie played. He couldn’t follow what was happening but that didn’t matter. He never could before. He’d ignore the plot and characters and just wait for any interesting moments. Sometimes the actor trolls would drive around real fast in vehicles, or they would start dancing, or they would throw things, or someone would fall down. That was cool. He liked slapstick humor the best, but sometimes he would watch regular type humor and laugh at the words people said. Sometimes when he laughed people would tell him that part wasn’t actually a joke or even that it was all serious and Gamzee looked like a psycho laughing his head off when he should be frowning it up. Gamzee thought if the movie fairies didn’t want him to laugh, they shouldn’t make things funny.

This is in-character for Gamzee (at least pre-breakdown Gamzee).

> He wasn’t laughing. Maybe it was because he was promised clowns, and he didn’t see no clowns? Which guy was supposed to become the clown anyway? During these boring bits, Karkat kept turning to Gamzee and looking at him like he expected him to say something, but Gamzee stayed quiet. He really didn’t care. A clown was coming. That was good enough for him.

I don't think I ever sat down and watched “Patch Adams” from start to finish but I do know it starts slowly.

> A clown came. It wasn’t good enough for him. He smiled a bit broader when the clown came on (Gamzee was almost always smiling), but it soon faded. It wasn’t that the clown wasn’t cool. He wasn’t just a clown but also a doctor clown and he stuck it to those snobby not-clown people. It just wasn’t amusing. He knew the doctor clown was busting out some sick jokes, but all he could think about was those poor crippled wrigglers. Fuck man, it didn’t matter what the doctor did. They were gonna die anyway.

The movie does sound depressing. And our version is now too depressing because of Robin Williams' fate (though it did have sad moments before that). I don't know if I could watch “Mrs. Doubtfire” or “Aladdin” these days.

> He remembered he once knew a wriggler like the wrigglers in this movie. Cute little kid. Name’s Trapper? Something like that? He was really great. He must be dead by now. Gamzee wanted to ask Karkat about it but somehow he just couldn’t.

I had planned on Tavros coming in and starting up a sweet little romance with Gamzee but that never happened and he might as well be dead in this story.

> Then some chick got murdered. Gamzee was surprised, because he thought it wasn’t that type of movie. Now Gamzee said something, asking why everyone was dying, but Karkat shushed him and told him a big romantic scene was coming up. Apparently, that chick was some guy’s patron and her moirail was totally bummed out. He was walking through a garden and he was angry and Gamzee looked him and realized he was just the clown without his face. The clown looked up at the sky and shook his fist and called God an asshole. Only one god? Guess he wasn’t a juggalo. Then a flutterbeast flew in and the clown got all misty eyed.

This happens in our Patch Adams. Rather maudlin scene.

> “That’s not a miracle,” his patron said, getting all misty eyed himself, “Flutterbeasts are common. The miracle would be not finding one of those in a garden.”
> 
> “Naw man, it was a miracle,” Gamzee replied.

At least one critic has pointed out what Karkat has.

> Karkat turned to him with red tears in his eyes. He looked shocked. Gamzee put his hand to his face and found he wasn’t smiling.

Did he have to feel his face to know he wasn't smiling?

> What a world. That grump was marveling at miracles and this miracle-loving motherfucker wasn’t.

This chapter is good with showing depression. I was writing what I knew, though I was on the manic side during this chapter.

Next chapter: Karkat's POV. Wish it was Gamzee's again.

 


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: emetophobia (of course) and more bad touch from Gamzee

Back in Karkat's POV. This chapter doesn't have much going for it.

> The movie wasn’t over, but Karkat decided it might as well have been. He knew Gamzee wouldn’t even find the full dorsal nudity at the end funny.

Yes, there's a scene in “Patch Adams” where you can see Robin Williams' butt so if you have a thing for him (like that one troper on TVTropes) go watch that movie.

> Karkat facepalmed to hide his tears.

me, constantly

> “You just aren’t getting it, are you?” he asked.
> 
> Gamzee answered, “I really don’t get movies…man.”
> 
> “It’s not about you getting the plot. You aren’t laughing at anything. What’s the point of watching a comedy if you’re just going to sit there stone-faced?”
> 
> “You’re pretty fucking stone-faced yourself and you’re still sitting here.”
> 
> “I’m supposed to be stone faced! I don’t crack up at every little thing like you do!”

What does Karkat do during all the comedies he watches? It's hard to imagine him laughing non-sarcastically. Actually, he probably has a really evil-sounding maniacal laugh.

> “WHAT. IS. THE. MOTHERFUCKING POINT,” Gamzee intoned, “if you can’t laugh.”
> 
> Karkat scooted away.
> 
> Gamzee continued, “You say you love your comedies and you all like hey these are high art not musclebeast dongs or whatever, but you don’t. You just say you do.”
> 
> “Are you kidding me? Do you think I would spend so much time and energy trying to convince you ignorant people of their beauty if I thought they should all be burnt in a bonfire to end all bonfires?” 

I already said I headcanoned movies as being midblood, right? Guess I can't talk about that.

> “Then laugh. My motherfucker.”
> 
> “I can’t do it on command. That’s like sneezing on command.”

You can laugh on command but it usually sounds fake.

> Karkat explained, “Sometimes humor is cerebral. You don’t feel it in your diaphragm, you feel it in your brain. It’s all about witty plays on words, delightful incongruities and expertly crafted vomit jokes.”

Karkat knows it's all about the vomit jokes. I think “50 First Dates” had a scene where a walrus vomits on Adam Sandler. I've never seen that part. I saw the ending which is very sweet but that's probably one of the very few good parts.

> “Plus, there’s the classic definition of comedy. It’s all about that and not just the humor. Comedies always have happy endings.”

What classifies a Shakespeare play as a comedy or a tragedy is whether people die in the end or get married.

> Gamzee said something.

Gamzee: something.

> “Does this one have a happy ending?”
> 
> “Yeah, the clown becomes a doctor at last and he sticks it to those...”
> 
> “I thought he already was a doctor.”
> 
> “Well, now he’s an OFFICIAL doctor instead of just some guy running around in a doctor’s coat spraying people with unflavored carbonated water.”

Do troll doctors have to intern first? If so, for how many sweeps? Maybe Hiveswap will answer that question.

> Gamzee answered, “I thought it would end when everybody dies.”
> 
> “It’s just that one character who dies. No one else dies.”
> 
> “I must have missed the part where they all got immortal.”

Gamzee the Wise Fool. Though Karkat is ignoring all the dead wigglers.

I didn't skip a piece of dialogue. Gamzee is answering someone who didn't ask a question.

So Karkat and Gamzee go back to the respiteblock.

> Karkat laid Gamzee in a pile of towels and put the blue cuffs around his wrists. He didn’t put Gamzee’s arms behind his back. He thought Gamzee would be more comfortable that way.

Is Equius ever going to get his cuffs back?

> He then thought of his own comfort.
> 
> “I’ll take your recupercoon today,” he said, “If you don’t mind.”
> 
> “I still got that thing? I thought you threw it away.”
> 
> “I’m not going to throw something like that away! I think that’s illegal.”

Eridan would be pissed.

> Gamzee groaned, “Take me with you.”
> 
> “Huh?”
> 
> “Put me in when you go in.”
> 
> “I can’t give you any sopor slime, not even on your skin! You’re in detox! That means no more toxins!”
> 
> “You’re doing toxins.”
> 
> “That’s because I was smart enough to never ever eat that disgusting stuff!”

In canon, stopping sopor slime had no effect on any other troll than Gamzee. Don't know what that says about sopor slime given that it seems more like Hussie forgot its existence.

> Karkat stomped off and went to the insanely large closet (why did he have a closet half the size of his respiteblock with NOTHING IN IT?) where he had pushed that stupid recupercoon.

I can imagine highblood hives are like McMansions.

Off-topic 1: In the Twilight finale “Breaking Dawn” Belle and Edward's love shack has a closet _as big as the house_. The Cullens are so tacky.

Off-topic 2: Horuss in “[don't go on casual encounters...](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7917367?view_full_work=true)” has a huge closet but 1) he's a clothes horse and 2) he's q****er than a two dollar bill.

> It was not entirely true that he’d never ingested sopor slime. Like many young wrigglers, he had taken an experimental taste when his lusus wasn’t looking. Like many young wrigglers he never did it again. Even among druggies sopor slime wasn’t very popular. It was seen as incredible disgusting. The substance tasted horrible and people soaked themselves in it for Mother Grub’s sake! It was filled with sweat, dirt, and dried skin cells. It was like ablution waste spiked with antifreeze.

Sopor slime is the nutmeg of the troll druggie world. (impressionable teens don't look up nutmeg)

> Gamzee’s recupercoon was overflowing from lack of use. Recupercoons naturally refilled themselves. They took moisture from the air and excreted the narcotic into the basin. After a while, they needed to be emptied. Every hive had a vacuum somewhere for this chore. Karkat would have to find where it was in this house.

Everyone else has sopor slime as a substance you have to buy (usually in powder form). I think I'm the only one who has recupercoons as a type of plant.

> Right now he didn’t fucking care. He just stripped off his clothes and jumped right in.

In [S] Make her pay, Terezi is in her recupercoon fully-dressed (including shoes!). Well, Hussie definitely couldn't have drawn her naked but couldn't she have been in pajamas?

> It felt a bit weird being in someone else’s recupercoon. It just wasn’t hygienic. Well, Gamzee probably hadn’t actually slept in it for seasons and just used it as storage. Still, it didn’t seem right. Perhaps Gamzee had a point about it being unfair. He was out there in sleeping on the floor with his think pan sloshing with daymares while his patron was here in this warm, soothing…Karkat fell asleep.

My characters are always thinking “i can't sleep” and then fall asleep because I write what I know.

People are always writing trolls having sex in cocoons even though that sounds like more trouble than it's worth.

> He woke up to a warm ticklish feeling on his neck. He opened his eyes and stared right into Gamzee’s blank ones.
> 
> “JT!” Karkat chirped.

“JT!” is an old running gag of mine.

We now return you to your regularly-scheduled sexual harassment.

> He moved to the back of the recupercoon, but the thing was still small. Gamzee just stuck his head farther in. His long tongue continued to lick Karkat’s bare skin.
> 
> “Gamzee,” Karkat whined, “Gamzee, you can’t do this, we can’t have sex, I’ve told you this before!”

This happens like every chapter.

> Gamzee lifted his head up a little.
> 
> “I would never touch you,” he said, and started licking again, “You’re filth. Dirt. A peasantblood.  A motherfucking mutant.” Each line was punctuated by a lick.

How many licks does it take to get to the red-blood center of a red-blood? Gamzee plans to find out.

> “What the fuck…” Karkat muttered.

Are you going to do anything, Karkat?

> Gamzee started getting more aggressive in his hunt for sopor slime and began chewing on Karkat. This woke Karkat up enough for him to shove the addict’s face. It didn’t work. Gamzee was still coming strong. Karkat pushed harder and he pressed his claws into Gamzee’s face until blood dripped down his hands but Gamzee didn’t take note of the pain. He just moved his tongue up to Karkat’s hands and licked them.

Now this is more like our ol' invincible Gamzee from canon.

> “Ahh, ugh, you creepy violent bastard! When did you get so strong?” Karkat yelled as he continued to push.
> 
> Gamzee answered, “I was always strong, you sad ass motherfucker. I’m no peasantblood, I could always beat…”

Is it canon that highbloods are stronger than lowbloods or just very well-established fanon? Well, it is canon that Gamzee is strong.

> He stopped and took his head out of the recupercoon to look at nothing. He stepped back and fell out of view. Karkat stuck his head out the recupercoon. Gamzee was on his knees looking at his cuffs.
> 
> “That strong ass dude,” he said, “I could have…these are his cuffs.”
> 
> Gamzee pulled at them.
> 
> “Strong ass dude,” he chuckled.

So what are Equius and his two doms doing if Gamzee has their sex paraphernalia?

> Karkat leapt out of the recupercoon naked and dripping with slime.

Full dorsal nudity on Karkat.

> “Fuck Gamzee, now you’re high again!”
> 
> Gamzee didn’t look up at the naked troll.
> 
> “I wish,” he said, “I’m still sober as a motherfucking kite. Takes a while to get high. But that sweet taste…”

In canon it seemed ingesting sopor was an instant high though that's unrealistic.

> Gamzee looked at the sopor slime on the floor and dove down to lick it.
> 
> “No you gross moron! No more licking tonight, or, or any night!” Karkat yelled.

Tavros and Siebe are going to be disappointed.

> He tried to pull Gamzee away from the floor but failed again to overcome the highblood’s strength.
> 
> Gamzee moaned, “Stop it, just stop it, bro. It’s the only miracle I got left.”
> 
> “It’s not a miracle, it’s a goddamn disease!”
> 
> Gamzee stopped of his own accord.
> 
> “Guess I’m gonna get culled,” he said.

Gamzee has his badass strength but is still pathetic.

> Karkat turned around and yelled out the open door.
> 
> “Crabdad! Crabdad you shuffling crackbeast, get in here!”

Excuse me, we'll have no crack in here.

> Gamzee shuddered at the sound of Crabdad hissing and snapping his way up the stairs. It was much louder to the sensitive troll.

This is Karkat's POV. He should only be guessing this.

> Karkat wanted to put a comforting hand of Gamzee, but his hand was covered in that stupid poison.

Karkat's hand, that is.

> Crabdad knocked down the respiteblock door. He ran to the closet and almost fell over the two. Gamzee seized up when the monstrous lusus came in.
> 
> Karkat said to his lusus, “Crabdad, don’t kill him and bring me some water with…fuck it, I’ll do it myself.”
> 
> The lusus looked down at Karkat’s naked body and hissed him out.
> 
> “Yes I know I’m naked and dirty, I’ll fix that! Just guard him and keep him away from the sopor slime!”

Crabdad: tooooooothpicksssss

> Karkat ducked under Crabdad, grabbed his clothes, and ran out. Halfway to the thermal hull he decided he should have stayed with his moirail, but it was too late now. He poured a whole lot of salt into a glass of water and stirred furiously. He hoped there was enough salt since Gamzee was close being a sea troll and could take more salt than land trolls. He ran back up to the closet.
> 
> “Gamzee!” he yelled, “Get your ass over to the hygiene…to the bathroom!”
> 
> Gamzee stood up without problem and stumbled over to the bathroom door. Karkat opened it for him. He shoved the glass into Gamzee’s hand.
> 
> “What is this?” he mumbled.
> 
> “Just drink it!”
> 
> Gamzee chugged it down without gagging. Again Karkat was afraid it wouldn’t take, but Gamzee moved over to the load gapper and started vomiting.

Ipecac. Though those aren't recommended these days.

> “Oh yeah,” he said between bouts, “This is awesome. This is the bitchtits.”
> 
> “Are you getting off on this?”
> 
> “Does Equius get off on this?” he said between another burst, “I motherfucking…”

I should give in and write an emetophilia fic. Admittedly, sometimes vomiting is nice. It's a relief.

> He finished vomiting any trace of the sopor slime and fell over.
> 
> “I hope he does. Only way I could make that bro happy,” he said before closing his eyes.

Gamzee: i threw up today

Equius: 8D

> Karkat rinsed the dirty glass and filled it with tap water.
> 
> “Drink this,” he said.
> 
> Gamzee sat up and did so before falling over again.

Unfortunately the tap water came from the sea.

> “You need to get over Equius right now!” Karkat ordered, “Or when you aren’t passed out.”
> 
> Karkat almost passed out himself. Instead he sat down and watched his moirail.
> 
> “When you wake up I’m going to troll that freak.”

Karkat, are you still naked? We never hear about you putting on clothes.

> He looked out at the window. The light-sensitive glass was blocking out the sun letting in only one beam where the broken panel was.
> 
> “Or when it actually turns to night,” he added.

Aren't they in the bathroom and not the respiteblock?

> Karkat gave a sigh to end all sighs.

And so ends this chapter. It's pretty much filler. I like the next part though. We finally meet Lupine Durand and boy is he a character.

 


	14. Chapter 14

This chapter: a huge pesterlog. It's better than it sounds.

> _Gamzee and Karkat were ready to talk with Equius._

Scene where they discussed this (as opposed to Karkat telling Gamzee's passed-out body this) omitted for clarity.

> _Gamzee was still sick but this task revitalized him. He had taken care of himself. He had taken a bath (“Don’t use soap in your hair!”), he gotten dressed in his favorite pants (“How do you tell the difference?”), and he had even put on the old face (“I’m not sure that’s how you used to do it.”). He found his husktop. Now with his patron he was sitting on some cushions in his leisureblock with his husktop in front of him._

Well, this is a cute way to summarize Gamzee getting prepared.

> _He was logged into Trollian. He was going to talk with his former something._

His former “It's Complicated”.

> _terminalCapricious (TC) began trolling centaursTesticles (CT)_

It's supposed to be “terminallyCapricious” and “centaursTesticle”.

> _TC: hEy My BlUeBlOoD bRoThEr, I gOt SoMeThInG iMpOrTaNt To TeLl YoU._
> 
> _CT: D -- > Is this Gamzee Makara?_

*bzzz* Equius doesn't use quotation marks!

> _TC: HoLy FuCk HoW dId YoU rEmEmBeR mY nAmE? i CaN't EvEn ReMeMbEr YoUr LaSt NaMe!_
> 
> _CT: D -- > Zahhak and I do not pollute myself with to%ins like you do_
> 
> _TC: i'M tRyInG tO sToP, mAn, I rEaLlY aM._
> 
> _CT: D -- > You have told me that before but your e%alted plans never come to fruition_
> 
> _TC: tHiS tImE iS dIfFeReNt, I hAvE hElP._

Remember that in canon it's Equius who tells Gamzee to get off the slime and not Karkat.

> _CT: D -- > I doubt there is anyone who could help you_
> 
> _CT: D -- > Only someone of higher b100d than you could dare rein you in_
> 
> _CT: D -- > There is no one above you but degenerate seatrolls_
> 
> _CT: D -- > Your e%quisite b100d, your only good point, shall be your downfall_

You'd think Equius would know that sometimes a lowblood can rein in a highblood.

> _TC: wHy Do YoU hAvE tO bE lIkE tHaT?_
> 
> _TC: hErE i Am CoMiNg BaCk To YoU aFtEr A wHoLe FuCkInG sWeEp TrYiNg To StArT tHiNgS uP aGaIn AnD yOu HaVe To Be LiKe ThIs._
> 
> _TC: i Am TrYiNg To InGnItE A bEaUtFiUl FiRe ToGeThEr AnD yOu HaVe To DoUsE tHaT mOtHeRfUcKeR oUt AnD pOuT eVeRyWhErE._

Equius is just being IC. (okay, maybe canon!Equius would have apologized by this point)

> _CT: D -- > From what I’ve heard you’ve been starting your sick fires with everyone_

Studio audience: woooooooooo!

> _TC: wWhOoOoOa NoT eVeRyOnE, tHaT wOuLd Be ReAlLy HaRd To Do._
> 
> _TC: i ThInK i CaN cOuNt AlL oF tHeM oN tWo HaNdS. wElL, mAyBe I wOuLd NeEd To TaKe OfF mY sHoEs._

There's Princess Rapist, Princess Rapist's rapist friends, large greenblood troll, Siebe's and her boyfriend, various others, and a canon troll to be named later.

> _CT: D -- > More than two is far too many!_

Equius isn't being a hypocrite here. Though he shouldn't be using a shout pole.

> _CT: D -- > You abandoned all your decent companions to frolic with your e%tremely 100d friends_
> 
> _TC: yOu JeLoUs?_
> 
> _CT: D -- > As a concerned friend I am_

Friend is the same word as enemy...even though trolls use both words and not interchangeably. Maybe it's like how people say crisis is another word for opportunity.

> _TC: hAhAhAhA, yOu ThInK yOu WeRe OnE oF mY dEcEnT cOmPaNiOnS._
> 
> _TC: i KnEw YoU wErE dOiNg InDeCeNt ThInGs EvErYtImE tHiS hOt MoThErFuCkEr TrOlLeD yOu Up._
> 
> _CT: D -- > Indecent?_
> 
> _TC: tHe MiNuTe ThE mAgIc ChIrP sOuNdEd YoUr ShOrTs WeRe On ThE fLoOr AnD yOu WeRe PuLlInG yOuR bOnE bUlGe LiKe It WaS sOmE mOtHeRfUcKiNg SaLtWaTeR tAfFy!_
> 
> _CT: D -- > I did no such thing!_
> 
> _TC: oH yEaH wHaT tHe FuCk WaS i ThInKiNg?_
> 
> _TC: yOu HaD yOuR mOtHeRfUcKiNg FiSt PuNcHiNg ThE sHiT oUt Of YoUr ShIt BoX!_
> 
> _TC: honk HONK :0)_

Well, we only see Equius from the waist-up when he chats with Gamzee.

Gamzee's smiley is wrong. It's suppose to be an “o” for the nose, not a zero.

> _CT: D -- > Why are you doing this?_
> 
> _TC: i'M dOiNg ThIs for you,_
> 
> _TC: MY MOTHERfUcKING BEST FRIEND._

Roll credits again.

You can tell Gamzee's going evil because of his quirk. This is normal in depictions of Gamzee. Post-breakdown, we see Gamzee going back to his old quirk while pleading for Terezi to stop hurting him. This might be a sign all the evil influence on Gamzee is being dropped for a moment or possibly it was a cynical attempt to get Terezi to let down her guard. We never find out. Yet another mystery.

> _CT: D -- > Pardon me, highb100d, but I do not understand_
> 
> _TC: i would do aNyThInG to make you smile._
> 
> _TC: THAT’S HOW I FELT AS A DuMbAsS WRIGGLER._
> 
> _TC: i would do all the filthy shit i know you keep all locked up inside you._
> 
> _TC: I WOULD MAKE YOU FEEL PAIN._
> 
> _TC: i would humiliate, degrade, and all dirtyify you until you’re half-dead._
> 
> _TC: AND THEN I WOULD MAKE YOU ALL DEAD._
> 
> _TC: i’m gonna take one of those piece of shit bows of your and give it to you._
> 
> _TC: GIVE YOU IT WRAPPED AROUND YOUR THICK NECK._
> 
> _TC: honk HONK hOnK hOnk_

Put this on a Valentine's Day card.

> _CT: D -- > Sir, not that I don’t_
> 
> _CT: D -- > Appreciate_
> 
> _CT: D -- > Your lovely slam poetry, but I already have_
> 
> _CT: D -- > A stable kismesistude._

Appreciate = boner

> _TC: i KnOw i KnOw i mOtHeRfuCkIng kNoW but_
> 
> _TC: I WANT TO BE YOUR EVERYTHING, RED OR BLACK._
> 
> _CT: D -- > That is ridiculous beyond all mea%ure._
> 
> _CT: D -- > You cannot be two people._

You also can't spell measure with an x.

> _TC: me and i are gonna be two mirthful messiahs._

This is funny after finding out Gamzee and Equius (plus Lil Hal and Caliborn) are the Mirthful Messiahs.

However, in this fic, Gamzee never thinks again he's the messiahs.

> _TC: AND WE’LL GANG UP ON ARADIA AND THAT LUPE GUY._
> 
> _CT: D -- > I will kill you if you_
> 
> _TC: NO, DON’T!_
> 
> _CT: D -- > Dare do such an unspeakable thing._
> 
> _CT: D -- > Oh shoot, didn’t type fast enough._

Beyond the first act of Homestuck, characters don't type over each other. It's rather unrealistic.

> _TC: GAMZEE IS JUST GOING CRAZY NOW, IGNORE HIM._
> 
> _CT: D -- > Is this someone else, or is Gamzee going even more eccentric than I thought?_
> 
> _TC: IT’S ME, KARKAT VANTAS._

Karkat was the one saying “NO, DON'T!”

Note that Equius calls Gamzee “eccentric” and not crazy. Because rich people are eccentric.

> _CT: D -- > Using another’s caste color is very unacceptable!_
> 
> _CT: D -- > You should use your grey or your_
> 
> _CT: D -- > chartreuse? _
> 
> _TC: WELL I’M TOO BUSY COMFORTING GAMZEE TO PUT ON WHATEVER UGLY COLOR CHARTREUSE IS SUPPOSE TO BE._

Though this isn't a canon color.

> _CT: What is this SHIT abooout yooou black flirting with MY kismesis?_
> 
> _TC: AND NOW TWO PEOPLE ARE USING THE WRONG COLOR!_
> 
> _TC: OH THE SCANDAL!_
> 
> _TC: WHOOO THE FUCK ARE YOU?_
> 
> _CT: I’m the fuck LUPINE DURAND, Equius’ black looover!_

Hello, Lupine, you psychopathic technophobic rapist you!

(shouldn't it be black hater?)

> _TC: KARKAT VANTAS, GAMZEE’S MOIRAIL._
> 
> _CT: Car cat? Urghhh._

John: honk honk meow meow

> _CT: What cooolooor is yooour bloood?_
> 
> _TC: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS._
> 
> _CT: Wait, my BOOOYFRIEND just tooold me yooou have cartruce bloood._
> 
> _TC: IT’S CHARTREUSE. OR WHATEVER._

Karkat: JUST LOOK UP.

> _CT: Enooough ooof this carade!_

I meant to say “carade”. It's a dry joke.

> _CT: Time fooor me tooo talk as yooour superiooor._
> 
> _CT: Trooollian, change accooounts tooo threewolfMoon!_
> 
> _CT: I cooommand yooou!_
> 
> _CT: Trooollian?_
> 
> _TC: ARE YOU REALLY THIS STUPID OR ARE YOU LEADING ME INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY?_
> 
> _CT: Shut up, foool, Equius is assisting me nooow._
> 
> _CT: Looog oooff, looowbloood._

Lupine's major flaw is his lack of technical skills.

> _centaursTesticles (CT) logged off_
> 
> _terminallyCapricious (TC) logged off_
> 
> _carcinoGeneticist (CG) logged on_
> 
> _threewolfMoon (TM) began trolling carcinoGeneticist (CG)_

“threewolfMoon” is a reference to this t-shirt with three wolves howling at the moon [that became a meme](http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/three-wolf-moon) because of it's extreme kitchiness.

How does TM troll carcinoGeneticist if they haven't swapped handles?

> _TM: Are yooou still there, looowbloood, ooor have yooou abscooonded?_
> 
> _CG: YES, I’M STILL HERE._
> 
> _CG: I’M NOT SCARED OF TECHNOLOGY, UNLIKE SOME PEOPLE._
> 
> _TM: Yooou shooould be scared ooof me!_

Lupine, did you call yourself technology?

> _TM: Yooou have insulted me with yooour flagrant black flirting!_
> 
> _CG: THAT WAS GAMZEE, YOU COLORBLIND BIGOT._
> 
> _TM: Yooou are respooonsible fooor him!_

You're backtracking, Lupine.

> _CG: I KNOW THAT, AND I’M REALLY FUCKING SORRY I LET HIM GO ECCENTRIC ON YOUR BOYFRIEND._
> 
> _TM: The apooolooogy ooof a looowbloood is wooorthless!_
> 
> _CG: GAMZEE FEELS BAD TOO._
> 
> _CG: THERE, ARE YOU HAPPY?_

Karkat may apologize a lot in this fanfic but here it's in-character since it's less guilt and more an attempt to get someone to shut up.

> _TM: Nooo._
> 
> _TM: I ooonly take apooolooogies troooll tooo troooll._
> 
> _TM: And I take them in bloood! Awooo!_
> 
> _CG: FUCK, THIS IS GOING TO TURN INTO SOME SORT OF STUPID DUEL ISN’T IT?_
> 
> _CG: MY MOIRAIL IS SICKER THAN EQUIUS’ PORN FILES._
> 
> _CG: IT CAN’T BE HONORABLY BEATING THE CRAP OUT OF A GUY WHO CAN’T STOP CRAPPING._
> 
> _TM: He shooould have thooought ooof that befooore he insulted us._

Alternian trolls are probably like Space Prussians with dueling.

> _TM: Where are yooou looocated?_
> 
> _CG: I’M NOT GOING TO TELL YOU WHERE WE ARE IF YOU’RE COMING OVER TO KILL US, HAIRBALL!_
> 
> _CG: YOU CAN HUNT US BY YOUR OWN FUCKING SELF._
> 
> _TM: Never mind, my BOOOYFRIEND tooold me where yooour degenerate hive is._

Lupine isn't very smart, is he? And Equius shouldn't be telling him where the hive is.

> _CG: WHAT’S WITH YOU GOING TO EQUIUS FOR EVERYTHING?_
> 
> _CG: ARE YOU GUYS SITTING IN EACH OTHER’S LAPS?_
> 
> _CG: OH DEAR GOD OF VIRGIN EYES, DID I INTERRUPT SOMETHING BETWEEN YOU TWO LOVERS?_

The term “lovers” doesn't apply here, since this is kismesisitude. But maybe when you get down to it kismesisitude isn't hate as much as an aggressively competitive sort of love.

In “hungry like the wolf”, I write this scene from the other side. I forget how it went but I'm not looking back until I finish this.

> _TM: Nooo, I never pail this FUCKING early in the evening._
> 
> _CG: YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR KISMESIS?_
> 
> _CG: DO YOU SHARE A HIVE LIKE SOME SORT OF PALE COUPLE BUT WITH LESS HUGS AND MORE EYE-GOUGING?_

We don't know if troll couples ever live together but it makes sense only pale couples do that. It sounds like a bad idea to live with your kismesis.

I had the headcanon that sleeping together is a phrase for conciliatory pairings (it comes up in Tentacles of Power) but in Openbound sleeping together is used as a euphemism for sex. Well, maybe that's just for Beforans.

> _TM: FUCK oooff! Whooo are yooou to cast shadooows ooon ooour looove?_

You mean hate.

> _TM: Yooour ooown relatiooonship is tooo sooorid._
> 
> _TM: This Gamzee persooon is a highbloood and yooou have that looower colooor bloood._
> 
> _TM: Equius tells me it’s sooome sooort ooof green yellooow SHIT._
> 
> _TM: What is with yooou musus-blooods sinking yooour claws intooo blue blooods?_

Lupine is salty about Equius/Nepeta but I planned to later reveal in “hungry like the wolf” that Lupine has “stupid sexy nepeta” moments with her.

> _CG: I’M NOT SINKING MY CLAWS INTO HIM, IT’S A FREE AND LOVING RELATIONSHIP._

I wouldn't say “loving”.

> _CG: AND HE’S MORE LIKE A PURPLE BLOOD._
> 
> _TM: WHAT?_
> 
> _TM: Oooh FUCK, yooou’re right!_
> 
> _CG: AND I WAS RIGHT ABOUT YOU BEING A COLORBLIND BIGOT!_

Well he is a dog.

> _TM: I’m nooot saying I’m scared to fight sooome salt-chugging ASSHOOOLE._
> 
> _TM: But it really was an insult against hooorse boooy here._
> 
> _TM: Why the FUCK shooould I care?_

Lupine is a pussy...I mean puppy.

> _CG: GOD, YES, YOU GUYS HAVE SOME WEIRD DIAGONAL THING GOING ON HERE._
> 
> _TM: Shut up, VIRGIN._
> 
> _TM: This doooesn’t mean yooou wooon’t be culled._

Lupine: If my ~~chick~~ dude wasn't here...

> _CG: LET’S JUST LET GAMZEE AND EQUIUS TALK IT OVER IN A NON-DUEL WAY._
> 
> _TM: I will allooow it._
> 
> _CG: IT’S NOT EVEN UP TO YOU! JUST LOG OFF!_
> 
> _carcinoGeneticist (CG) ceased trolling threewolfMoon (TM)_

Good bye, Lupine! For now.

> _carcinoGeneticist (CG) logged off_
> 
> _terminallyCapricious (TC) logged on_
> 
> _terminallyCapricious (TC) began trolling centaursTesticles (CT)_

Those parenthesis bother me. Though how many people get these things right?

> _TC: i'M rEaLlY rEaLlY sOrRy AbOuT tHaT, bRo._
> 
> _CT: D -- > I am more confused than angry_
> 
> _CT: D -- > If you don’t mind me asking, what was the point of this e%ercise?_
> 
> _CT: D -- > Did Vantas command you to confess your wa%en feelings to me?_

Besides the question marks, I think Equius tends to do a new line instead of using commas.

> _TC: nAw, WeLl, I wAsN't ExAcTlY cOnFeSsInG tO yOu._
> 
> _TC: i WaS jUsT lOoKiNg To Do A fEeLiNg JaM, gEt SoMe ClOsUrE, cAuSe I tHoUgHt YoU mIgHt FeEl SoMeThInG fOr Me._
> 
> _TC: lIkE, yOu MiGhT hAvE fElT sOmEtHiNg FoR mE?_

Equius: D --> Nope

> _CT: D -- > Since you ask, I suppose I must confess how I felt when we were younger_
> 
> _CT: D -- > I did have feelings for you_
> 
> _CT: D -- > And yes, they were feelings of the concupiscent sort_
> 
> _CT: D -- > Your b100d was irresistible to me_
> 
> _CT: D -- > I didn’t know anyone with higher b100d then me when we were first introduced_
> 
> _CT: D -- > I did not even know of the sea trolls_
> 
> _CT: D -- > I want to submit myself to anyone I could call my superior_
> 
> _CT: D -- > So you can see why I ended up having the most_
> 
> _CT: D -- > Proper thoughts about you_

This sounds canon. Other than some quirk problems, Equius has been in-character.

> _TC: sO iF i HaD wEnT HeY bRo YoU gOt To JuMp Me, I oRdEr It, yOu WoUlD hAvE?_
> 
> _CT: D -- > And I might never have met my sourspade Lupine Durand_
> 
> _TC: i GuEsS tHaT wOuLd HaVe ReAlLy SuCkEd, FoR yOu AnD hIm._

“Sourspade” is a play on “sweetheart” and it shows up in my other stories.

> _CT: D -- > I apologize for leading you on, sir _

CT: D --> Oops I did it again

> _TC: iT's CoOl, I cOuLd HaVe AsKeD aT sOmE pOiNt If I rEaLlY wAnTeD tO._

This was before we found out Gamzee's method of asking someone out is to say “hey maybe we should make out” out of nowhere.

> _TC: sOrRy I wOkE yOu Up AnD sTaRtEd FlIrTiNg LiKe An EcCeNtRiC mOtHeRfUcKeR iNsTeAd Of JuSt TeLlInG yOu AlL tHiS._
> 
> _CT: D -- > I am normally awake and productive at this hour_

Equius never sleeps.

> _CT: D -- > But I accept your apology_
> 
> _CT: D -- > Give my e%tremely begrudging regards to your surprisingly acceptable patron_
> 
> _CT: D -- > I hope one night he’ll help you develop more than one good attribute_
> 
> _CT: D -- > Good evening, highb100d_
> 
> _centaursTesticles (CT) ceased trolling terminallyCapricious (TC)_

Ahh, asshole Equius.

> _Gamzee shut the husktop and looked off into space. Karkat looked at him expectantly._

I could have used a different word than “looked” twice.

> _He finally asked, “How do you feel?”_
> 
> _Gamzee turned and grinned._
> 
> “ _Motherfucking awesome!” he said, “Wow, I forgot what a huge asshole that horsefucker is!”_

“Horsefucker” or “hoofbeastfucker”?

I love Equius but he is an asshole. He's not even best with Nepeta though they have the best moirallegience in the comic.

> “ _You don’t feel waxen for him at all, do you?”_
> 
> “ _Naw, he’s a boring ass motherfucker. What the hell do we have to talk about? It would be all ‘hey man, these robots are shit!’ and he’d be ‘my robot are superior’ and I’d be ‘actually I like robots I was just flirting’ and he’d go ‘do you like the X123 model or the X456 model?’ and I wouldn’t have anything to say!”_

Even with all the Gamquius fics I've written, this still is a good point. Then again, kinky sex.

> “ _I am so fucking glad you aren’t going to pursue anything with him. It totally wouldn’t work out. Durand is a better match for him. He’s dominate as a raging musclebeast and not just when he’s going through a psychotic episode. He’s just high enough to fulfill Equius’ blood fetish but not so high Equius would let him chock him to death. Plus, I could practically feel his bulging muscles over Trollian.  He’s probably not a skinny guy like you.”_

Lupine was created as the perfect kismesis for Equius.

> _Gamzee didn’t say anything._
> 
> “ _Oh fuck,” Karkat said, “Here I am talking about how much you suck right in front of you! Goddamn Karkat, use some tact for once in your goddamn life.”_

Now we have another OOC apology.

> _Gamzee said something._

Gamzee: something

(yes I know I already used that joke)

> “ _There’ve been times when I lost it, and when I came to, people would say I’d given them the best black sex in their life,” he intoned._

Karkat talked like he already knew that when he compared Lupine to Gamzee.

What sort of a saidism is “intoned”?

> “ _Goddamnit, are you still hoping to rock his world?”_

Ahh, I loved that phrase.

> “ _I think back then,” Gamzee started, “Even back then I didn’t want to jump him. I don’t think I even knew about any of that stuff before I got my face shoved down a crotch. I just wanted to make him smile.”_

Does canon Gamzee know much about sex? Probably Caliborn wasn't very helpful.

> “ _Well, he’s probably smiling now as he does unspeakable things that you’d never do.”_

The second “he” should be Lupine.

> “ _Guess miracles do come true.”_

Gamzee: thanks for telling me lupine is better at sex

> _Gamzee held hands with Karkat and Karkat let him._

Again with Karkat's mild touch-aversion.

> “ _You know,” Gamzee said, “I might have killed someone during one of my turns.”_

A good ending to the chapter! Things happened, there was closure, now a cliffhanger.

Next time: the cliffhanger isn't completely solved.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


 


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: emetophobia (or emetophilia?)

Last time: Gamzee casually confessed to killing someone.

> “ _What?” Karkat screamed, “You killed someone during a whiteout! Who the fuck was nooksucker!”_

“Whiteout” because trolls fear the sun so white and black have reversed meanings. There's no canon evidence of such reversals.

> “ _I don’t really know,” Gamzee said with a shrug._
> 
> “ _You should be conscious when you kill a troll! It’s very important!”_
> 
> “ _I guess it was a lowblood. Or a seatroll.”_
> 
> “ _God! Maybe you shouldn’t kill trolls at all! You might have murdered someone!”_

Karkat does seem to be over-reacting by Alternian standards.

> _Gamzee pondered this. “Not sure it was motherfucking murder. Maybe it was suicide. Ninjas can get really freaky sometimes and get it in there thinkpans that it’d be so fucking hot if the highblood culled them. Horse boy can’t be the only kinky one on this crazy ass planet.”_

A nod to Equius' canon death.

> _Karkat gagged. “Okay, so maybe it was more like…that. It’s a good thing that you’re culling trolls that are wired so badly they think black sex involves real death. Our species is already hurdling torward that direction._

Don't kinkshame, Karkat.

> _But wouldn’t their moirails and cohorts take revenge?”_

If this is talking about the singular person Gamzee killed, it should be a singular moirail.

> _Karkat grasped Gamzee’s shaking hands._

They were already holding hands.

> _He said, “If anyone kills you during sex, I will fucking kill them, I swear. That goes for killing you not during sex, of course.”_

I'd complain that Karkat never promised Gamzee that in the canon but it's not like Karkat could ever fulfill that promise.

> “ _Thanks, bro, though I’m not sure if you should go through the trouble.”_
> 
> “ _Fuck, of course it’s trouble, but it’s not like you aren’t already a big bag of trouble. I knew the job was dangerous when I took it.”_

BAWK BAWK BAWK BAWK

(jesus that's ancient and obscure)

> _Gamzee continued, “Yeah, I think it was a lowblood. Like really lowblood. I don’t know, as high as I am, hehe, I just assume all land trolls are peasantbloods.”_
> 
> _Karkat was alarmed at this._
> 
> “ _Fuck,” the indigo-blood said, “Why’d the hell I say that? Sometimes I just go into these racist moods, which is goofy as fuck since I can’t even tell the difference between a green blood and a yellow blood,”_

Gamzee lampshades the racism.

> “ _Now, take those seabloods, that’s a weird story. They do treat me like I’m a higher than them. Well, not exactly, they still treat me low, but they act like I should be above them.”_

This is Gamzee saying this, not Karkat, because I forgot how to do multi-paragraph monologues.

Eridan doesn't treat Gamzee like Gamzee's above him but no one does except Equius.

> _Karkat explained, “That’s normal with rare bloods. Kanaya gets treated like a princess even though she’s only a midblood._

Again with my headcanon that purplebloods are proportionally rare.

We never see Equius and Kanaya interact. Possibly Kanaya pulled the Rare Blood card to get Equius to make robot legs.

> “ _Oh yeah, her, she was a real miracle,” Gamzee said[...]_

In my later stories, Kanaya and Gamzee have a tension that started way before Gamzee's murders justified Kanaya's hate.

> “ _But yeah, I think my ancestor did a whole lot of crazy fucked up shit. This one seatroll said his ancestor was subjuggulated by me and he was taking his revenge by pailing with me. The weird thing was he was a total bottom. Made my peaceful self rage at him.”_

So I did know about the Grand Highblood by this point.

This particular seatroll wasn't Eridan though that would make a good story.

> _Karkat thought it was weird that Gamzee didn’t seem to believe he could be a violent asshole. Memory loss and wishful thinking was to blame. He himself couldn’t believe that people submitted themselves to the pitiful wriggler. The romance expert was rather naïve._

The omniscient narrator comes in to judge Karkat.

> _As if he could read his friend’s thoughts, Gamzee mused,[...]_

Glad I realized we're in Karkat's POV.

> “ _I think people like getting all submissive with me because at the end of the night they know I’m the sad submissive one,”_
> 
> “ _And I’m just really pumped to do anything to make people happy.”_

Gamzee: Except use proper formating.

Submissive doesn't mean doormate.

> _Karkat put up his fist._
> 
> “ _You can’t be all things to all people, Gamzee! Especially to douchebags who won’t return the favor!”_
> 
> “ _I gotta be something to someone.”_

Gamzee doesn't reflect me here, but I do think I portray this point-of-view well.

> “ _You are someone to me and I care. I I care more than anyone else!” Karkat huffed,_

“Huffed” makes Karkat sound spoiled when he's really expressing a beautiful sentiment.

> “ _Fuck, speaking of someones, would you just tell me who the fuck you kill?”_
> 
> “ _Told ya I don’t know.” Gamzee cringed. “I don’t really wanna talk about this now. I’m scared shitless to let all those memories come out and I’ve already done enough closure shit for the night.”_
> 
> “ _So what do you want to do now?”_
> 
> “ _Eat a million slimeless pies!”_

And the conversation ends without the vital question answered.

> _And he did. Karkat must have heated up a million grub pockets and Gamzee just washed them all down with a big ass glass of moobeast milk. Karkat’s appetite wasn’t as great. He was too grossed out by Gamzee’s poor table manners. The near-orphan was such a messy eater._

“Grub pockets” = Hot Pockets

Karkat would hate seeing Kankri eat. Karkat's probably a neat eater.

> “ _Was your appetite always this big?” Karkat asked, “I can’t remember if it was. I just knew you were always so skinny.”_

Does anyone ever make Gamzee fat?

> “ _Naw,” Gamzee said, spitting out a piece of pie onto Karkat’s cheek,_

ewwww

> “ _The slime burned wicked holes in my stomach, and the food fell down those holes before it could reach my body and get me fat.”_
> 
> “ _Hmm…”_

Karkat: That doesn't sound medically likely.

> “ _Oh my fucking clown,”_

An oath no one ever swears. Actually, we don't hear any clowny oaths but I still use them in my Makara fics.

> _he moaned as he put some more bitter grubsauce on a Propriestress fruit pie,_

Propriestress = proprietress = Hostess brand. Though maybe it should be Hostile brand fruit pies.

> “ _It’s so motherfucking awesome to finally eat without my food sack throwing up a fight!”_
> 
> _Karkat gulped. “I wouldn’t be so sure about that with the way you’re packing it in. Anyway, aren’t you suppose to be sick?”_
> 
> “ _I feel mad dizzy and my bones are still out of whack, but I think I can handle it. Fuck, even if I do, I’ll get to taste this shit again on the way up!”_
> 
> _Karkat shuddered._

The story turns from emetophobia to emetophilia.

> _He stood up._
> 
> “ _I think I’ll just leave you with your prepackaged feast,” he said._
> 
> _Gamzee smeared lips wobbled but he soon cheered up._
> 
> “ _Okay, bro, but just remember to buy up some more orange juice!”_

This is a reference to eXperiment Aradia Continuation where colbalt!Eridan is peeved his unwilling host doesn't have orange juice.

> _Karkat walked out of the consumptionblock. He couldn’t quite escape Gamzee’s pleased moans that showed just why the boy was so popular._

I wrote a story that was just [Gamzee erotically eating pies while everyone got why boners](http://archiveofourown.org/works/266409).

> _He went to one of the many empty rooms in the labyrinthine hive and settled down with his husktop. To keep his mind off Gamzee for a while, he checked out his favorite celebrity sites for news about troll Jennifer Aniston (oh when would the poor girl ever catch a break?)._

What was Jennifer up to when I wrote this? I don't care.

> _This just reminder him of her seatroll nemesis and that reminded him of all those scum-sucking seatrolls who raped poor six sweep Gamzee. Who was their ringleader, and how much did she resemble troll Angelina Jolie?_

That sounds like fantasizing there.

I wrote a fake interview once with Angelina Jolie though I didn't really know her. It was because she was a running gag on a Family Circus make-your-own-caption site. The interview was on my Geocities site.

> _As he pondered whether he should try and contact Feferi, another friend of a friend popped in. Aradia had come up with an ingenious solution to Gamzee’s sleeping problem._

The Burgundy Goddess!

Except that she doesn't have dialogue.

> _She had cobbled together a soporific transdermal patch. This way the addict could sleep with only a minimal dose of sopor slime and not be tempted to use the substance inappropriately. It wasn’t a perfect solution.  She had tested it on herself and not only did she still suffer from a few mild diurnal delusions, she also got a tiny rash. The patient would need to be monitored closely. Still, this was good news. Now they wouldn’t have to chose between him suffering from sleeplessness or suffering from daymares._

What do trolls use on the field? This is a good idea but I've also seen sleeping bags.

> _Karkat was going to find his moirail to tell him the good news when he heard him wobbling into the walls and calling his name. Karkat gave him a break and ducked his head out the door to call him back._
> 
> _So Gamzee stumbled into the room._
> 
> “ _Oh fucking miracle I found you!”_
> 
> “ _Errghhh…it’s not a fucking miracle. Your hive isn’t that big,” Karkat replied._

This is how big his hive is in canon:

> _The clown put a hand on his head and flopped down on a pile of harlequin pillows._

Gamzee: I do believe I have the farts! I mean, vapors.

Where did the pillows come from? I thought the room was empty.

> “ _I’m just thinking of the dream I had yesterday…the one I had before I licked you. It’s still creeping me out._

The dream, not the licking, though that's creepy.

> _Hey, you like dreams, right?”_
> 
> “ _In an abstract sense, yes.”_

Since this is a Non-Game AU there aren't any dreams of Derse/Prospit. Did the sopor slime repress them in the canon?

> “ _Well, in this one, it’s kinda weird, but I was on a beach, a normal one without any sea of blood or shit, and I wanted to go see the old goat, so I went and wading into the water, but I just couldn’t get to him. The water wouldn’t get deep. I was just always in the shallow, always only a few fucking feet from the beach. Isn’t that odd or something?”_

I used to have night terrors where I desperately wanted my parents but for some reason I couldn't get them.

> _The young amateur psychologist pondered this._
> 
> “ _It’s not like all dreams are dreams of blood. Those stupid, silly little bloodless delusions can be the fucking worse.” Karkat pulled back. “Or so some experts say,”_

I have lots of dreams where I'm in an epic snit fit but few nightmares. Actually, I have dreams that are only scary on waking.

I wrote a story where inside of dreams of blood a troll character had a wet dream turn bad. Guess which one it was.

> “ _But you won’t have to worry about that! Okay, you won’t have to worry about it as much. Aradia found the cure.”_
> 
> _The patient sat up and smiled broadly._
> 
> “ _Oh!” he said, “She’s the sister I don’t have a motherfucking problem with anymore, right?”_

No one should have a problem with Our Burgundy Goddess.

> “ _Guess you’ve finally buried the club now._

No burying the club in anyone!

(this is a sex joke too)

> _Anyway, she made a special patch you put on your skin and it give you a tiny bit of sopor slime.”_
> 
> _Gamzee seemed to salivate a little at the words sopor slime._

If it's only a little salivation it shouldn't be noticeable. If it is noticeable, ewwww.

> “ _Ummm, okay, sounds cool! Let’s try it out!”_
> 
> “ _Right now? Do you plan on sleeping in the middle of the night?”_
> 
> _The sleepy troll shrugged. “Why not?”_
> 
> “ _Fine, but remember this is bad for your sleep hygiene. Bad!”_

He hasn't had a good days sleep in a long time. Let him sleep.

> _With some gauze and a plastic bag, Gamzee’s patron made a patch for him and taped it to his arm. He soon conked out on his pile of pillows._

That's Gamzee conking out, not Karkat.

> _Karkat stayed with him while again surfing the internet. While he debated who should he ask to help him with his investigation into Gamzee’s past, Feferi, Sollux, or godforbid Terezi, there was a knock on the door._

I think there should be some other punctuation after “Gamzee's past” but I don't know what.

> _He scuttled downstairs. Crabdad was already on the job._

Scuttling: like father, like son.

> _Karkat put a finger to his lips, and then slowly opened the door a little to see who it was._

I went to check if Gamzee has a peephole in his door but it doesn't look like he _has_ a door.

> _Whoever it was simply threw the door open, hitting Karkat in the face._

This is a hint of who it is. Somewhere there's a gif of this happening to Kanaya but I'm too lazy.

> “ _Hey Gam,” he cried out, “I knooow-w you been w-waiting for…”_
> 
> _Eridan looked Karkat in the eye._
> 
> “ _Oops w-wrong hive bye.”_

Basically:

Don't worry, I do get back to the little murder thing. But we're going to soak up Eridan next chapter.

  
  


 


	16. Chapter 16

Last time: Eridan appeared. However, we start with an author's note:

> A new chapter! Hurray! There's another finished chapter, as well as a side story and a side side story, but getting this published is like sneaking out the Pentagon Papers. F* my life.

I wasn't allowed to use the internet by my father. Keep in mind I was 26 at this point. I would print out my work, take it to the library, type it on a draft in tumblr, then copy-paste it on to AO3. This made me reluctant to write more. Imagine what might have happened if I didn't have an over-protective father.

Now I don't live with my father...but I don't have home internet as of this writing. My roommate kicked me off the plan, also citing my mental health. FML forever.

Okay, on with the story.

> Eridan turned to leave but Karkat grabbed him by the collar of his jacket.

Not his scarf, you'll note.

> “Don’t swim away, fish boy,” he said, “If you’re going to visit, visit.”

Karkat missed the opportunity to say a mocking “vvisit”.

> The guest readjusted his clothes. He had adopted a new look since Karkat saw him last. Now he was wearing a black high-necked jacket with purple embroidery instead of his old scarf and cape.

Eridan is wearing a Nehru jacket but unfortunately Nehru doesn't exist in his verse.

I got the excuse to draw him in one for the HSWC 2015.

> “W-well, it’s good to see you again, Karkat,” Eridan reluctanly answered.

Eridan's typing quirk is supposed to be a representation of his accent, though writing it out might be as annoying as writing out Sollux's accent.

> Karkat remarked, “I see you’ve at least changed a little over the sweep.”

How come Sollux and Our Illustrious Burgundy Goddess didn't get a new look? Well, Eridan seems the type to go through looks.

> “Of course I hawe, you dull little troll,” he sniffed, “I not only do I hawe a new look, but an entirely new outlook on life. I’we totally giwin’ up on stupid w-wrigglers’ games like FLARP and genocide and am instead pursuin’ a career in our illustrious nawy.”

I remembered Eridan's drive in life is more marital than artistic. The fandom forgets that. Cronus, who came way after this story, is the wannabe artist people think Eridan is.

A reformed Eridan saying genocide is for wrigglers also rings in-character.

> “Feferi bribed you somehow.”
> 
> “Don’t you dare let the name of our future empress cross your dry lips! When she ascends the throne she’s gonna equalize the crap out of you filthy low-w-bloods and you are gonna lowe it!”

“Dry lips” because Karkat is landdweller.

> Karkat scoffed.

He didn't say anything, he just gave off an air of scoffing.

> “Enough tiny talk, what did you come here for?” he growled.
> 
> “W-what sort of a question is that?” Eridan shot back, “I just came here to hang w-with my dear friend Gam?”
> 
> “And you couldn’t also hang out with your dear friend Kar?”

Well, Eridan/Karkat isn't listed as one of the ships. Hell, Eridan isn't listed as a character but he is a Surprise Guest (plus I'm lazy)

> The friend looked away as he pressed his fingers together.

His “Kanaya: Return to the Core” talksprite does this.

> “Oh, you know-w how-w it is,” he said, “Sometimes tw-wo wery good friends need to be absolutely alone together.”
> 
> “Why exactly?”
> 
> “W-well, you know-w, so they can bond and shit.”
> 
> “What does this bonding shit entail exactly?”
> 
> The blushing troll whipped his head back to his accuser.
> 
> “Stop tryin’ to pull it out of me!” he yelled, “Yes, damnit, w-we had sex! Are you fuckin’ happy?”

Eridan is ashamed to be down with the clown but everyone else is okay with their depravity.

> “I can’t believe you,” his estranged friend said, “No, that’s the problem, I can believe you all too well. Why would you use him like that?”

Karkat assumes Eridan was using Gamzee. He's right but it is an assumption.

> “It wasn’t planned! I didn’t come to him that day for sex! It w-was friend-ship that drowe me.”
> 
> “Friendship and the rumors he’d lay down for anyone who knocked on his door.”
> 
> “It w-was a spontaneous passion! Me and Fef had just gone through one of our little fights and I felt sooo alooone. I w-went on a quest for solace and I found it in Gamzee Makara.”

We'll see Eridan's mindset in “Captain Paprika's Lonely Hearts Spade Band” (damn that's a long title).

> “Solace? That’s a weird euphemism for wet nook.”

It could mean a wet bulge.

> Karkat put his head in his hands and sighed.
> 
> “Ampora, I thought you were a romantic like me.”

The fandom thinks Eridan is out for a quick lay but he doesn't talk about sex. He's more motivated to be in a relationship. Cronus is obviously out for sex but he is fanon Eridan.

> “I could say the same about you, mister dirtmouth. You came here for a booty call and w-when you saw-w me you got jealous.”

Why didn't Eridan assume this from the beginning instead of pulling it out later as a “Take That”?

> He looked over Karkat’s scowl.
> 
> “Oh mother of pearl,” he moaned, “you didn’t come here for sex.”
> 
> “Gamzee is my moirail.”

In fanfiction that doesn't mean you didn't come for sex.

> “Oh god oh cod this is so embarrassin’” Eridan whined, “Here I am tellin’ you about how-w hard he rocked my w-world and you’re in a relationship w-with him.

You haven't said how hard he rocked your world but you're going to.

I think I can forgive Eridan using hated sea puns because he's under stress and not thinking about how lame they are. Nah, I won't forgive.

> W-what can I say now-w?”
> 
> “How about nothing at all?”

And he did The End.

> Eridan lifted his head from his hands.
> 
> “No, this is good new-ws!” he said, “I hawe sailed here to announce my flushed feelin’s for Gamzee Makara!”
> 
> “Feelings as deep as the fucking ocean, right. That’s why you pailed and bailed.”

What, were they supposed to get troll married?

> “I w-was conch-fused! That day w-was a crime of passion! I spent ewery night aw-way from him in despair!”
> 
> “That’s why you ran away from him, twice?”

By this time, Eridan is acting fishy enough (heh) that it is likely he came just for sex.

> “But I hawe shored up my courage and am now-w ready to open up my aquatic bladder-based vascular organ!”

The term “aquatic bladder-based vascular organ” appears in canon to refer to Feferi's heart. That's why it sounds believable. I'll leave the biology discussion to someone else.

> “Did you even bring him one courting gift?”
> 
> Eridan looked around nervously.

Do trolls have “courting gifts”? Or “courting”?

> Of-of course! You think I w-would come here empty-flippered?”

Aquatic metaphors – a type of aquatic pun or not?

> He opened up his sylladex and uncapchalogued something wet and seaweed covered.

A dick-in-a-box.

> “I sal-waged this fiwe pack an Faygo all for him,” he explained.
> 
> “Ewww…”

I think the assumption is Eridan is just taking out something random but why would he salvage Faygo? (note that I correctly capitalized Faygo.)

Given we later find out Faygo is like troll booze this gift is like bringing a pack of wine coolers.

> “Like you w-would hawe complained less if it w-was the traditional w-whale dork.”
> 
> “You’re right, this really is the best gift you could have gotten him.”

In “eXperiment Aradia Continuation”, gifting a bouquet of musclebeasts dongs is a running gag.

> Eridan pushed the bottles away with his electric blue ankle boots.

Better than his canon bowling shoes or not? This was years before ankle boots became popular in our world. 

> He then fell on his knees and grabbed Karkat’s hands.
> 
> “Karkat Vantas!” he begged, “W-will you let me take your be-low-ed moirail on a date?”

This custom could make sense giving moirails often have a filial-type relationship but we never see this in canon.

> “Your tacky ass rings are cutting into my fingers!”

Some people think seatrolls have webbed fingers in which case the finger-rings are piercings. That sounds extreme to me.

I headcanon jewelry being legally limited to seatrolls and that's why they wear so much. Porrim wears jewelry but either Beforan law is different or she just doesn't give a fuck.

> Before Karkat could pry his hands away, Gamzee appeared on the stairs.

I imagine a grand staircase. And Gamzee in a slinky black robe and fuzzy slippers that show off his painted toenails.

> “Whoooooa!” he said, “What’s going down here?”
> 
> “Gam w-what are ya doin’?” Eridan asked anxiously.
> 
> “I heard some Faygo dropping so I woke myself up.”

In canon, Gamzee does know somehow over many game planets that Eridan has a Faygo in his sylladex.

> Eridan stood up and gestures at the bottles.
> 
> “I got all this booty for you.”
> 
> “That’s cool, but I think I’m likin’ orange juice better these nights,” he said.

Brought to you by the Orange Farmers Council.

Again, this is before we find out soda is troll booze. 

> Karkat coughed.
> 
> “Gam,” Eridan said, “W-will you be my matespirte?”

Well, he can be your matesprit.

> “Don’t know you, man.”
> 
> “W-what? W-we’re friends!”
> 
> “Got more friends than memories.”

By “friends” Gamzee means “exploitative assholes”.

> “Don’t you remember that nearly magical day durin’ the bright season w-when I came to you in despair and w-we embraced and filled each other w-with di-wine hope?” Eridan ejaculated.
> 
> “Nope.”
> 
> “Ya fuckin’ douchebag!”

I still love this piece of dialogue.

> He lunged forward but Karkat held him back.
> 
> “How-w cod you? How-w cod you forget me?!” he yelled over the patron’s head, “I gawe you my wirginity! My red wirginity!”
> 
> “Sorry man, maybe you shouldn’t have given it away.”

Gamzee is being an asshole here, though Eridan is also a douchebag.

I have written three stories where Eridan regrets giving his virginity to someone other than Feferi.

> “I tasted your pity!” Eridan choked out.
> 
> Karkat spun Eridan around to face him.
> 
> “One,” he said, “You do not say that in front of someone’s pale lover, and two, unless seatrolls have a chemistry lab in their mouths that is totally an urban legend.”

The headcanon here is some people say you can taste emotion in genetic material. The canon does suggest there's a chemical difference between true lovers (or haters) and couples who joined up just to stave off the drones. Probably the latter out-numbers the former but there's still enough that the system can work.

> The seatroll backed off and dusted himself off again.
> 
> “So fin then,” he said, “I w-was just tryin’ to sawe the Highblood from shame but I see that’s impossible.”

So you were going to marry Gamzee.

Kankri's treatment of Porrim means that multiple partners are seen as shameful (at least on Beforus). Possibly there's also a sexist double-standard and that's why she's so salty.

> “Leave the saving to me, you neurotic high-strung mess.”

I think I meant this to be hypocritical.

> “I didn’t ewen w-want that clow-wn! He doesn’t hawe a chest, his pelwis pokes too much, he takes too long, and he needs to wash off that makeup!”

It's already been established Gamzee stopped wearing makeup.

> “Get the fuck out of here, Captain Paprika, and take your Lonely Hearts Spade Band with you!”

This is a reference to the Beatles and “Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band”. Apparently the trolls have a Beatles.

This line gives us the title of the Gamzee/Eridan sidestory.

> “Your sex clow-wn isn’t even good on couch!”

In lots of other work, trolls have bed-like platforms they use specifically for sex. In other work, I've used a special chair.

> “Just leave now, you douchebag! You are a user and a whiner and I would never allow you to get into any sort of relationship with my moirail! You two are the neediest fucks in the universe and I’d never let the typoon of shit that would be your matespriteship rip through my shore! You are a black hole of emotions! You have no ethics or morals! I never even want to see you again!”

That's harsh, but I'd be reluctant to let a friend date Eridan.

> Karkat added, “Could you tell Feferi I want to talk to her?”

Wah-wah-wah

> Eridan sniffled, “She’s cuttlefishCaretaker now-w. She thought the old one gawe the w-wrong impression.”

That's an odd sniffle.

So another character changed their username, though I think Feferi would be too stubborn to give up the “culling” thing.

Judging by the flash-forward earlier where Feferi declares Princess Rapist misunderstood, Karkat does get in touch with Feferi, but we never get to that point.

> “Good! Thanks for the help!” Karkat yelled.

Karkat: I'm so fucking grateful, you asshole!

> Eridan left. Karkat looked over at Gamzee. The lanky troll strolled completely down the stairs.
> 
> Karkat said, “It’s a good thing you forgot about that little fuck.”
> 
> Gamzee replied, “Ninja’s always been taller than you, though it’s mostly in his shoes.”

When fics aren't using the “highbloods are bigger” fanon, Eridan tends to be short.

> “You remember him?”
> 
> “The minute I saw that purple swirl I recalled it all. I just wanted to mess with him.”
> 
> “Gamzee, you can be one stone cold bastard sometimes.”
> 
> The bastard flashed a wide fang-filled smile. “Heheheh, right on, allied brother.”

Not really the bastardy Gamzee is known for in canon, though possibly he did mind games like that with Terezi.

> He went over and picked a bottle off from the pack. He examined the bottle like he’d never seen one before.
> 
> “Hmmm,” he said, “Grape flavor.”
> 
> Gamzee twisted it open and let the purple foam spew over his hand and down his arm. He threw his head back and chugged it down. He burped and capchalogued the pop. Karkat watched with a familiar disgust.

So the orange juice is a lie.

Later, we find out Gamzee's favorite flavor is Red Pop which is the worst flavor in his universe and ours (so I've heard).

> “So,” he asked, “really, Eridan? The genocidal maniac?”

You're friends with him too, Karkat. Possibly more, if that's what the pact was.

> “Hey, he’s not that bad of a guy,” Gamzee replied, “He’s always brought me news ‘bout the Old Goat and as he said, he’s given up on the genocide shit.”

Eridan would have killed Old Goat if he had the chance. It looks like he did in canon but Old Goat was killed by a traditional harpoon and Eridan uses a laser rifle.

> “But he crossed the line when he used you just to empty his own shame globes. Didn’t he even think about you?”
> 
> “Man, you are being too motherfucking harsh. It was just some sex.

It's not like he killed anyone in this canon. Well, not anyone we care about.

> He wasn’t the best lover but he wasn’t the worst. We all need to calm down here.”
> 
> “You’re right, he isn’t the worst.”
> 
> Gamzee looked off to the left. “Yeah, he didn’t last long, he puked on my bone bulge, and he called me Fef the whole time, but he wasn’t…”

Not even the sex stories are free from puke.

We'll come to this story later.

> The troll’s eyes turned red.
> 
> “He called me Fef the whole time, HE CALLED ME FEF,” he screamed, “I’LL KILL HIM!”

In canon, his “yellows” turn orange, not red. He's ridiculously angry here.

> The raging troll stomped towards the door and his patron went to stop him but was thrown back. Gamzee stopped and looked over at his patron.
> 
> “Aww fuck, sorry man!” he said and then rushed over, “I’m not pissed at you.”
> 
> “I know,” Karkat said as he got up.

Well, he's not pissed at him in this scene.

> “It’s just, man, it’s just,” Gamzee said, “nobody ever comes to me for me.”
> 
> “I’m here for you, and I’m not asking you to wear any wigs or dresses.”

Nobody mentioned forced feminization here.

> “Naw, it wasn’t like that, he just combed his hands through my hair while he…”

I think if you tried to come your hands through his hair your hands would get stuck.

> “Enough about that douchebag,” Karkat gagged, “How did you sleep?”
> 
> “Like a motherfucking grub!”
> 
> “No day…nightmares?”

Karkat remembers trolls say nightmare.

> “Yeah, but they weren’t nothing, just strollin’ and lookin’ at the horror shows popping up along the road. I was like, that’s cool, eldritch horrors, hope your dark carnival goes well!”

Given life in the Alternian civilization, how horrifying are dreams of blood to them?

> “Good. You better thank Aradia for the help.”

Offer prayer to the Burgundy Goddess.

> “But now I don’t feel so good. That seatroll really got to me.”
> 
> “Don’t worry, you’re not the only one feeling sick.”
> 
> “No, not that way, it’s more like he reminded me of someone. Someone who ain’t around anymore. Cause I killed him.”
> 
> “You remember?”
> 
> “I remember it all.”

Yes, we actually hear the story in the next chapter. Stay tuned.

 


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: child-grooming, implied murder, the r-slur

We finally get to the damn murder story! But first, an author's note:

> Warning: This chapter is very triggering.

I don't know why after all the triggering chapters I finally put a warning on this one and such a vague one.

> The old horn pile was back in its place in the middle of the leisureblock. The moirail laid back on it while his patron shifted uneasily on the pointy instruments. Crabdad wasn't around. It was time for a good ol' fashioned feelings jam.

Piling, lying in self-made piles of random crap, is a favorite expression of pale affection in the fandom but I don't think it's said to be an established part of troll romance. Feferi/Sollux and Equius/Nepeta do it but that might just be them. In Karkat: Wake, Gamzee offers a horn pile to anyone who wants it which if that's a romantic gesture makes him quite slutty. Well, piling is a good piece of fanon, unlike the nickname Karkles.

> Gamzee started, "Remember how I told you about how my ex came over and I laid down for her big friend?"
> 
> "Yes, and you do know that was rape? And not just a little, it was completely illegal rape."
> 
> "Yeah, I known, but at the time I thought I was just being a good little wriggler." Gamzee laughed bitterly. "But I was too much of a wriggler and she needed someone to hold me down so her two friends lent a hand.

I would say no one would think that's anything but rape but I'm not that naive.

> There were four fucking seatrolls on that beach that night: the big guy, her two friends, and her herself. Goddamn four."

Four is unlucky in East Asian culture. I reference that taboo in “eXperiment Aradia Continuation” where the villain Sollux replaces his As with 4s, though nobody says “wow I hate the number 4”.

Okay, back to rape and murder.

> "So did you kill her?"
> 
> "Should have, but I didn't."
> 
> "Did you kill the troll who raped you?"
> 
> "Fuck, that would be cruel! It'd be like killing a dog for humpin' yo leg. Ninja was some sort of mutant retard. Blood so bright it was almost neon! Probably already been culled."

I am blown away by my past insensitivity.

> "Yes. Bright blood," Karkat mumbled as he looked down at his bandages.

Karkat is blown away too.

> "Hey, don't interupt me cause I'm bound to forget everything if you do. Anyway, one of her friends was this stone-faced jerk who didn't have much to do with me, but the other friend came over a few nights later. He just sat down and expected me to do something and there was only one thing I could think to do."

And so we come to the first scene divider ever in this fic...

> You wipe your mouth, getting both white face paint and purple seed on your hand. The older troll wipes his soft bone bulge with a CC monogramed handkerchief and tucks it into his Capri-style black swim pants. He leans back.

This discretion media res isn't very discrete.

So the flashbacks are in second-person present tense. That's an interesting choice.

CC is the guy's hatchname initials. He didn't steal Feferi's handkerchief to use it as a dickrag.

> "I _w_ as _w_ rong in my earlier re _v_ ie _w_ of your hosting skills," he says, "You ha _v_ e re _w_ arded my trust in you."
> 
> You say, "I done good?"
> 
> "You ha _v_ e done a good job. Come up here."

Note the italicized ws and vs. Maybe I should have written Eridan that way.

Also note that this guy is a creepy fucker.

> He offers his hand. "The Highblood shouldn't kneel like a peasantblood."
> 
> You take his hand and sit next to him.

Well, isn't Cici so respectful!

> "Sorry I _w_ as so rude to you earlier," he says, "Oh, and I'm sorry about that scene four nights ago. She's _v_ ery scary."

This was a chance to name her but I was lazy. We'll keep calling her Princess Rapist.

> You nod. He slides up closer to you.
> 
> "Let's start this again," he whispers into your ear, "I'm Celmar Ceumar, but you can call me Cici."

Celmar Ceumar = Marcel Marce[a]u, the famous French mime.

> He puts his hand on your shaking thighs.
> 
> "I'm Gamzee, I'm Gamzee Makara but I guess you already know that."
> 
> "Yes, _Gam_ zee."

What's with the emphasis on Gam?

> Cici slides his hand down your loose pants. You squirm even more as his ringed fingers grope your still sore genitals.
> 
> "What the fuck!" you yell.
> 
> "Just returning the fa _v_ or," he breathes.
> 
> You jump away from him and pry his hand away.
> 
> You growl, "Get off my junk, man!"

Gamzee is groomed enough to sexually service an older person without being asked but not groomed enough to let them sexually service him.

> He looks down at the purple ring around his wrist with wide eyes and a wide smile.
> 
> "You are _v_ ery strong, _w_ riggler," he says.

Or maybe you bruise like a peach.

> You reply, "Sorry, but it just doesn't feel good, you know."
> 
> "I kno _w_ ho _w_ it feels. I was ra _v_ ished too my first time. But don't _w_ orry, _w_ riggler, one night it will feel really good."

He was probably “ravished” by Princess Rapist. Probably most trolls first times were getting raped by a peer because they live in a Crapsack Logan's Run Lord of the Flies world.

> He pets your head and you have to admit that does feel good. You move back towards him. He smells like sea salt.

I imagine everything in your hive smells like the sea.

> "I think _w_ e're going to be _v_ ery good friends," he says, "Do you have trollian? My _nom de plume_ is psychoDramaturgist."

A “dramaturgist” is a playwright or a literary advisior to the theater. OpenOffice Writer and AO3 thinks the word doesn't exist.

> "Oh, whoooa, terminalCapricious here."

Keanu Reeves as Gamzee

> He puts his arm around you.
> 
> He says, "Do you like clowns? I sure do like clowns."

Gamzee's wearing clown makeup and he has posters of clowns everywhere and he's a purpleblood do you even need to ask?

Another divider and we're back in the present.

> "So after I got him off, he said he liked me and he stayed over the whole fucking day! It was hella tight!"
> 
> "Well, yeah..."

Face it, Karkat, a child-grooming ephebophile is a better friend than you.

> "He would come around after that, sometimes with other people, trolls who wanted to get away from their hive and lusus, but often came alone so we could fool around.

So it's “The Apartment” if Jack Lemmon started also having sex with Fred MacMurray.

> And after a few moon segments, he came to me with this new way of fooling around."

Next comes the Hard Vore (just kidding)

> You shift your naked body from foot to foot. You aren't embarassed as much as you are confused.
> 
> "I don't really get this game, man," you whine, "Why am I naked and you aren't?"

Cici: We're re-enacting the drawing scene from the Utena movie.

> Cici also shifts his body in the beanbag.
> 
> "Don't _w_ orry, I'll soon join you in your nudity."

So it is the drawing scene! Next we'll find Princess Rapist has been painting Cici.

> "Cause I can understand us both wearin' clothes and playin' a game or us both being naked and fooling around, but not a mix of the two."

He sounds so young and innocent.

> "It's...it's an acting game," your older friend breathes.

I use the saidism “breath” a lot.

> "Yeah, I know, you love that acting shit, but how do we play this bitch? Tell me the rules again so I don't forget."
> 
> "I give you an emotion to act out, and you do so."
> 
> "Huh, just that? I can remember that. Hit me."

Naked Improv never caught on.

> Cici smiles and stifles a laugh.

If he stifled the laugh how does the narrator know?

> He then says in a deeply serious voice:
> 
> "Sho _w_ me anger."
> 
> You are now confused again. You still have to give him a show. You frown and shake your fist.
> 
> "Hey man," you say, "stop doing that shit and start doing other shit! I told you to knock it off and stop being that way, man, why can't you do that?"

That is basically how it went when Equius asked Gamzee to ~~dom him~~ “roleplay with him”.

> You stop shaking your fist.

Does that need to be its own line?

> "How long do I hafta show these emotions?"

People demand you show emotions for the rest of your life.

> "Until I say so, and I certainly didn't say you could stop," your friend tells you, "That was a horrible performance. Just horrid."

Horrid. How pretentious of you, Cici.

> You shrug.
> 
> "Sorry, my motherfucking best friend, but I really don't get angry."

Roll credits yet again.

> "You don't get angry?"
> 
> "Naw, man, not really."

Only when his Faygo flies out of his Sylladex.

> He sits up and yells, "You're a troll! You're a high-ranking member of a _w_ arrior race! Our rage has conquered the galaxy and you can't sho _w_ me that infamous rage?"

Condesce: excruise me yah mean uniperch

> "I don't have anything to be pissed off about."
> 
> "You' _v_ e been abandoned by your o _w_ n lusus and nobody lo _v_ es you! Aren't you pissed off about that?" 
> 
> You bow your head. "Whoooa, why you got to say something like that? That just brings me down, not pisses me off."

It would be better if he was pissed at his lusus. Gamzee's love for Goat Dad is heartbreaking.

> "But I'm telling you to be angry, not sad. _W_ hy can't you delie _v_ er that?"

Maybe he can deliver it instead.

> "I'm real sorry, bro, but I don't think this is a good game for me. I don't have it in me to be all angry. I'm chill like the deep blue sea."
> 
> "Chill? CHILL?!?"

More like psychoDirector for Cici here.

> He gets up lighting fast and steps over to you.

So he flash-stepped?

> You are tall for your age but he is tall for any age.

As said earlier: “He had been tall for a five solar sweep troll, but now that puberty had caught up with the rest of his generation he was now comparatively small.”

> He yells, "The higher the blood the higher the emotions and that goes double for the Highblood!"
> 
> "But...but...I'm not really that high, am I? Aren't you higher?"

The Grand Highblood has the power to punish violetbloods like Dualscar despite being under them in the spectrum. How does that work?

> "High, yes! You try to dull your passions with the sopor slime," he spits, "But I _w_ ant you to let it out! Sho _w_ me the Highblood!"

I checked Act 5 and it doesn't seem trolls use the word “high” to mean intoxicated. I've read Grand Highbloods that are high and Grand Highbloods that don't approve of booger pies.

> "Who the fuck is a highblood if it ain't a seablood?"

Equius (and Arquiusprite later) never refers to Eridan as highblood. Maybe violetbloods aren't called highbloods.

> "You uneducated idiot! You foolish heathen!" He starts to gesture.

The Double Deuce!

> "You are descended from a race of killer clo _w_ ns! You subjuggulated entire castes and only the fucking empress could stop your rage!"

Note the past tense.

> "Whoooooooa!" you yell, "Honk honk!"

I should put Keanu Reeves in Gamzee makeup.

> The raging troll grabs you and shakes you back and forth.
> 
> "Mother Grub," he shouts,

Terezi talks about “Mother Grub fearing citizens”. So maybe trolls do worship her enough to take her name in vain when they really want kinky sex.

> "You _w_ eren't just some peon, you _w_ ere the GRAND HIGHBLOOD! Be the GRAND HIGHBLOOD! Hit me _w_ ith your motley stick!"

Lady Gaga's “Lovegame” came out in 2008 so this was a reference. A motley stick looks like this:

> He shakes and slaps you and you honk with each slap.

Gamzee: My *honk* sister! My *honk* mother! My *honk* sister and *honk* mother!

> You are so afraid and terrified and you feel something rise up within you. A club comes out on its own.

Club is not a euphemism here.

> "honk HONK!"

And so it's implied Gamzee goes Subjuggulator here. Another scene divider.

> "He made me get angry, and then I would subjuggulate him until we both pailed, and then I'd calm down and he'd be all in the afterglow and shit."

Scene off-page because how does a thirteen year old dom a nineteen year old? Another scene divider and...

> Cici lays back all in the afterglow and shit.

Narrative echo and shit.

> You stand over him and stare.

That's creepy, Gamzee. Not as creepy as Cici, but creepy.

> "Are you okay, man?" you ask.
> 
> Your partner smiles and you notice several of his teeth are now missing. He laughs a little.

Troll teeth grow back so this isn't as bad as it seems.

> "I ha _v_ e ne _v_ er been more okay in my life," he says.
> 
> "But your head is all bleeding over the bag!"

The beanbag.

> He rubs his blood-encrusted mop-haired head and his sore horns.

We finally get a description of his hair but not his horns.

> He explains, "It's just a head _w_ ound, those al _w_ ays look much _w_ orse than they really are. Just, just keep me from going to sleep and I'll be fine."

Cici: It's okay except if I sleep I MIGHT NEVER WAKE UP.

> You look at him and notice not all of the fluid on him is his color. There is some bluier purple fluid next to his powdered mouth and it trails down his body, down to his now-crotchless pants. You look at your own body and see it painted blue and purple.

We cut away for the act but always come back for the fluids.

> "Whoooa, holy clown, what the fuck did I do?" you ask.

I'm tired of both “whoooa” and “holy clown”.

> Cici uncapchalogues a smokeless nicostimulant miniwand and starts inhaling.

Even in an alien universe you can't escape douchebags with e-cigs.

> "You did _wonderful_ , catfish.

That's too cute a petname from your slimy lips.

> That _w_ as the best black sex I ha _v_ e e _v_ er had in my nine s _w_ eeps on this planet."

nine sweeps = 19.44 years. I thought he was around seventeen but I made him pretty old. What a creep.

> He coughs. "O _ww_ , I think you got my gills. I _w_ on't be able to s _w_ im for a perigee," he moans happily.

Cici: This means I can't get home but wonderful sex, yeah?

> "Well, hey," you reply, "if you're happy, I'm happy." You aren't sure that's true.

Just flat out state the character's emotional uncertainty rather than show it through stuttering or misdirection.

> He removes the miniwand from his split lips and looks up at you.

I like the split lip detail.

> "But really, _w_ riggler, tell me how you felt. _W_ as it good for you?"

Gamzee: No. Get lost, fish nerd.

> "All I can remember, I felt angry and then I felt warm and then so motherfucking happy and now I'm still warm but I'm shiverin' my ass off."

Did you have kinky sex or shoot heroin?

> Your partner leers at your shivering naked body.

And doesn't give him a blanket or anything.

> "I imagine you feel relief.

You imagined wrong.

> This game certainly helped relie _v_ e me of my tensions."

And that's all that matters.

> "Sorry but I just can't get this crazy idea into my think pan. How was this anything good, for you I mean?"
> 
> Cici takes a big hit off his miniwand and then stretches out.
> 
> "It's all about blood psychology, _w_ riggler. _W_ e just reenacted the torrid drama bet _w_ een our respecti _v_ e ancestors and in doing so released certain chemicals into our bloodstreams affecting...well, I'm just relie _v_ ed I finally got to go all the _w_ ay _w_ ith you."

That's a pretentious way to explain why you like to be spanked by Daddy Highblood.

> "Are we gonna do this again, sometime?" you ask.
> 
> "Gamzee Makara," he says, " _W_ e are going to _spend_ a lot of time together."

“Spend” because they'll expel bodily fluids.

Another scene divider.

> "And after our first time we did spend some more time together, but he didn't come over as much and every time he did all we did was that shitty ass game.

You just can't trust child-groomers.

> I guess it didn't matter as much cause I was making new friends at that point, but I still missed those golden handjobs,"

Golden refers to jewelry, not urine.

> "Sorry about the T-Motherfucking-I, but that's how I felt."

This is still Gamzee speaking.

> "Anyway, one night, like early and not like almost dawn he came over dressed like a motherfucking fly gangsta and we had a good time, a real good time."

And this is still Gamzee speaking! I hadn't learned my lesson about multi-paragraph monologues.

Scene divider time!

> You lay on the couch next to a pail. Finally, a night where you didn't have to play any games and could just chill out.

Gamzee is a Service Top all the way.

> You sit up and notice your partner is adjusting his own clothes in a funhive mirror.

This is the first funhive mirror we see even though it is in-character for Gamzee to have one. I don't think it would be good for grooming.

> He has changed back into his newly tailored black and purple cadet uniform. He pokes his arched horns through his Imperial Film Corp beret and turns around sharply on the heel of his new boots.

Ahh, we find out he has arched horns. He does get more detail than the greenblood male from the first chapter. Why didn't I ever make a sprite of Cici? As reprehensible as he is, he's still interesting.

> "Fuck, I still love that uniform," you say, "So fucking fly."
> 
> "And this is just the cadet's uniform," he smirks.

I'm imagining jodhpurs and a leather jacket like an old-timey director.

> He then puts away his smile.

That's an odd turn-of-phrase.

> He turns toward the door.
> 
> "Time for me to take my exit," he says.
> 
> "But it's like midnight, my motherfucking friend!"

Roll cre-- oh wait there's not a “best” in there.

> "I ha _v_ e to _w_ ake up early tomorro _w_ for the shuttle."
> 
> You get off the couch and stand before him, clothed in your usual outfit.

That makes it sound like Gamzee immediately got dressed the second he stood up.

> "What the fuck is this shit about?" you ask.
> 
> Cici sighs. "I told you already about my plans."
> 
> You rub your chin. You think you can recall him saying something important, but he was eating out your waste chute at the time so you really couldn't hear it.

I shouldn't have put in that ass-eating detail.

> Cici continues, "Tomorro _w_ I take the maturity shuttle like _every other troll in my fucking generation_ to the Alternia-1 Space Station and get processed into the Imperial Film Corp. Can you get that to lay still in your thinkpan?"

He's already like twenty years old why hasn't he gotten on the shuttle yet?

> Your eyes start to tear up.

tear as the liquid, not the rendering action.

> "You're leaving bro, my motherfucking best friend, you're leaving?" you babble.

Roll – that's some coherent babbling.

> You grab his arm but he pulls it back.
> 
> "I _w_ as hoping you _w_ ouldn't act this _w_ ay if I ga _v_ e in and had red sex _w_ ith you, but I see I _w_ as _w_ rong."

Has sex ever softened the blow?

> "Will I be seeing you again?"
> 
> Your big goat eyes stare at his face.

Gamzee has square pupils.

> His powdered face shows no emotion. Indigo tears fall down your unmade face.

You'd think Mr. Mime here wouldn't insist on an unmade face.

> "No," he says.
> 
> "No?" you echo, "I mean, I guess you can't take me, but what about when I get big enough?"
> 
> "In my opinion, I don't think you will," he explains, "You'll probably get culled before you reach maturity. Shame since you come from such an illustrious bloodline, but that's ho _w_ fate rolls."
> 
> "Motherfucking culled?" you cry.

Cici is taking his life in his own hands.

> "Are you really that surprised? You ha _v_ e no lusus, you ha _v_ e no education, you ha _v_ e no talents or skills that aren't far belo _w_ your caste, you don't ha _v_ e any stable relationships, you're addicted to an incredible _v_ ile drug, you're a member of an outla _w_ religion, and you have terrible taste in clo _w_ ns!"

Again with the outlaw religion thing! I guess he could be from an outlaw sect.

> Your clubs come out. He doesn't notice. He's too busy looking at the mirror.

Cici: dum dum dum turning my back on the violent troll i've just insulted dum dum

> "Of course, the last one isn't a culling offense," he says, "but I just _w_ anted to lay that out on the table."

Actually, that could be a culling offense.

> "honk honk honk," you sob.
> 
> "Yes, _w_ e get it, you're clo _w_ n themed, enough _w_ ith the honking."

This is Eridan's complaint about Feferi's sea puns, which is ironic considering he's a sea supremacist.

> "HONK HONK HONK," you yell, "TIME FOR ONE LAST GAME!"

This was before Caliborn and his “games”.

We fade to black.

> "But then he told me he was leaving, and we argued, and then...we played a game? And then he left?"
> 
> "He left?"

It's not murder if you were in a fugue state and the victim was a child abuser who had it coming.

> You are naked and wet and alone in your hive. Sunlight from the red sun rises through the open door. You think you can remember something Celmar Ceumar said. Something about a red light? He sure did yell it a lot last night.
> 
> You take some pies and soon you don't remember any of that.

I guess “red light” is their safe word though it hadn't been established plus how would that work when Gamzee's in a fugue state?

So where did Cici's body go? Was he eaten by the fishes?

> "But now I'm starting to think I killed him."
> 
> "Well," Karkat piped in, "Who the hell was he? What was his name?"
> 
> "I can't remember, I'm so motherfucking sorry but I can't remember his motherfucking name!" Gamzee moaned, "I'm just no good at remembering names."

The flashbacks weren't as much Gamzee's real memories at that time as much as what Gamzee would have remembered his brain wasn't fucked up.

So long, Celmar Ceumar a.k.a. Cici a.k.a. psychoDraumaturgist a.k.a. creepy fishy mime douchebag.

> "Do you remember my name?"
> 
> "Of course I do! You're my patron and my oldest friend! How could I fucking forget my Kitten!"
> 
> His patron and oldest friend facepalmed.

It's one chapter from the end and this still happens.

I wrote an original story based off this chapter called “Psycho Drama”. It was set in Detroit and told from the POV of not!Cici. He was a former child actor now in college. The Princess Rapist expy was implied to have molested him when they were actors together. not!Gamzee was a homeless juggalo not!Cici took in. not!Cici doesn't die but he does get mutilated and no fucks are given. This story was originally published under my name and it's possible I lost a volunteer gig at a home for the homeless because of it but I'll never know. I'd link it but I forget where it is and search “psycho drama” isn't very helpful.

This chapter is creepier to me now than it was when I wrote it because I feel more aware of the age problem. Gamzee is way too young. I'm not creepied out by the murder since Cici is such an asshole victim.

He still deserved a sprite though. Folks, you are free to make art of him.

Next chapter: closure???

 

 

 


	18. Chapter 18

 

THE FINAL CHAPTER OF MMFBF.

We start with an Author's Note:

> UPDATE 10/25/11: Made it more closure-y.

I don't know what changes I made. I tried comparing my gamzee_is_a_slut.doc and what's posted on AO3 but I don't see a difference.

Let's see how closure-y it is.

> Karkat’s head was buried in his hands as he spoke.
> 
> “Urghhh, I can’t believe you called me Kitten,” he groaned, “Where did you even get that name?”

From the author's brother?

> Gamzee answered, “Oops, yeah, your name’s Karkat isn’t it?”
> 
> “YES.”
> 
> “Hey, car cat! Beep beep meow meow!” The clown honked an imaginary horn. “But I guess Kitten could be your nickname!”
> 
> “NO.”
> 
> “But I’m just goin’ to keep thinking you’re Kitten!”

It's better than Karkles.

“Beep beep meow meow” is what John says after Karkat tells him his name.

> “I still don’t have a fucking clue why your think pan keeps panning that up. In what universe am I cat-like at all?”

In-joke reference to “eXperiment Aradia Continuation”, where olive!Karkat is cat-like (if said cat is a conspiracy theorist).

> Karkat pulled his head up and looked around.
> 
> “Where is that lusus of mine?” he asked, “Damn thing must have wandered off after Eridan burst in. Now how the fuck does a seven-foot walking crab disappear anyway?”

How tall is Crabdad? We only see him with tiny spirteform Karkat.

> “It’s kind of nice, you know, that he’s gone. Quieter this way.”
> 
> “It’s fucking unnerving! Besides, when did you care about quiet? Did you forget we’re sitting on your horn collection?”

Gamzee is some kind of auditory masochist. And generally a masochist.

> Karkat got up slowly, setting off some of the horns. He groaned at each honk. Gamzee leapt up, and then put his hands on his head.
> 
> “Could we just wait till he pops out and freaks us all out?” he asked.

Gamzee: Or have a crab boil?

> Karkat didn’t answer, but instead walked to the door and opened it up.
> 
> “Search over,” he said.

And what a search it was!

> Crabdad was outside in the surf, doing what Karkat would call frolicking if it weren’t his lusus doing it.

That's an adorable image.

> The boy’s shoulders fell in relief. His friend’s shoulders tensed up.

Why is Karkat called “the boy”? Both Karkat and Gamzee are boys here.

> Karkat started stepping out of the hive without even thinking about it.

You'd think Karkat would be more careful.

> He was halfway to the water when he turned around and saw that Gamzee was hiding behind the door.

Gamzee's hive doesn't have a front door in canon, as I've shown earlier.

> He asked, “Are you still afraid of my lusus?

Phobias don't go away easily. However, this is the last chapter so Gamzee better drop that phobia quick.

> I promise he won’t fucking hurt you and besides he’s not as big as…

...the Grand Highblood's bone bulge

> well he’s not that big!”

But seriously Karkat was going to say Goatdad.

> Gamzee stepped out of the hive and shut the door behind him. He looked down at his hands as he took out and put back his clubs over and over.

Do weapons make a sound when you take them out of your strifedeck?

> He then finally walked over to Karkat. He was shaking a little and it couldn’t have been from the wind.

I meant the wind might be making him feel cold, not that Gamzee is so thin he sways.

> They both looked out at the sea.
> 
> “Wow,” Gamzee said, “Just wow.

“X. Just X.” is a popular phrase for me.

> Been so long since I been on the beach.”
> 
> “You live here,” Karkat stressed.

“stressed” is a weird saidism.

> “I mean, I know that, I’ve been here, but I haven’t really been here in a long time, you know what I’m sayin’?”

Something that bugs me: Equius says he doesn't live near the ocean but his neighbor Vriska is shown to have adventures on the sea which suggests the two are in commuting distance. I guess Equius could mean he isn't as near to the ocean as Gamzee, but I prefer to think Equius is absolutely clueless about the world outside his hive.

> “When do I ever know what you’re saying?”

Actually, Gamzee has been pretty comprehensible in this fic.

> Gamzee sat down and pulled his knees up to his chest.

Oh no, he's floor-sitting on the beach.

In canon, Gamzee sits cross-legged on the beach.

And in Openbound, he sits in this adorable way next to his sleeping moirail.

> “I mean,” he said, “I haven’t really hung out like this, really enjoyed the beach. I step out of my hive, but it’s always to go to point A, point B, point what-ever-the-fuck, you know?”

I'd say it makes sense not to go on the beach with all the rapists on it but there's also rapists in his hive.

> Karkat sat down next to his moirail.
> 
> “Yeah, I know,” he said.

Does Karkat travel much? I imagine if the Game hadn't happened, he'd set out to become a folk hero by traveling around to villages and no one would need him and sad troll Hulk music would play.

> They watched Crabdad scuttle around for the longest time.

So adorable.

> It was strange fate that led Karkat to having such a lusus. He wasn’t suppose to have a sea creature as a lusus; he wasn’t suppose to have a lusus at all, but he preferred not to think about that.

We find out in August 2011 that the Sufferer's followers created Karkat's lusus which answers some questions but leaves others unanswered. Why a crab? Out-of-universe, the answer is Karkat is a Cancer which is the crab, but what's the in-universe answer? I guess Kankri just loved crabs.

> Crabdad could and did live perfectly fine out of the water, but sometimes he would get the urge to go back to the sea. Karkat remembered one of those times.

How far away is Karkat's hive from the ocean? In this story, it's like a night's travel.

> He turned to Gamzee.
> 
> “Remember the first time we met?” he asked, “We were three sweeps old and Crabdad had run off to the sea and I followed him and I found you and the Old Goat and we played all night till we came down with friendship?”
> 
> “Nope.”
> 
> “Ya fuckin’ douchebag,” Karkat sighed.

Call-back.

“Came down with friendship” = got an STD.

Three sweeps would be 6.48 years. We don't know what age the trolls met (out of grubhood) but three sweeps is as good as any.

> “Sorry, I can’t remember anything that happened before I started the slime,” Gamzee explained.
> 
> “I should be used to your memory loss by now but it still comes like a punch to the digestive sack every time.”

Last time Gamzee answered “nope” he was intentionally screwing with someone.

> “Hey man, it’s not really that bad, me forgetting when I met you. It just means, for me, there’s never been a time when I didn’t know you.”

I think four to six is usually the age people get their first memories. It's that way for me.

> He paused. “Or a time when I wasn’t drugged up.”

How strong are the effects of sopor slime on memory? When talking to Dave the first time, Gamzee blames withdrawal for not remembering his own game title.

> Karkat thought back to that first meeting. So Gamzee wasn’t high back then? He had never really thought about it much but his friend had been a bit weird. Still the same old silly clown, of course, but there was an edge to him.

We never really see a normal Gamzee. He's either under the effects of drugs or the effects of mind-control. I think the most normal we see him is during his talk with Rose in Openbound.

> He was so tense when he asked Karkat what his blood color was, like he really didn’t want to know the answer, and he was the only troll Karkat had ever met who actually accepted the answer “gray”.

A vague implication that sopor slime represses racism. However, I think the average three sweep old troll wouldn't know enough about the hemospectrum to care. Those things must be learned.

> He relaxed after that, but during their games he became easily frustrated. Karkat remembered him throwing a full bottle of Faygo at his head. He was a high-strung little wriggler.

Given the bottles we see in canon are like two liter that's a lot to throw at someone's head. At least the bottle was properly capitalized.

> And Karkat remembered, after the Old Goat had left, Gamzee offered his hive to him for the day. Three sweep old Karkat said he already had a hive. Wrigglers are such jerks, seven sweep old Karkat thought.

That sleepover could have prevented a lifetime of sexual victimization. You are a jerk.

> He put his arm around his moirail. His moirail leaned into him. They both watched the ocean as it ebbed and flowed in their ancient rhythm under the light of the two moon. Karkat found this incredible boring but hey, Gamzee liked it.

I like it too.

> Karkat finally asked, “Gamzee, do you hate me?”

Gamzee: Yes.

Karkat: This is the last chapter.

Gamzee: Then no.

(that's basically what happens)

> Gamzee sucked in the air.

And then coughed from all the toxic waste.

> Karkat was afraid of what his answer would be.
> 
> Gamzee answered, “Nope.”

Told you.

> “Not anymore?”
> 
> “You know, I don’t know if I really ever hated you.”
> 
> “You sure acted like you hated me, what with you yelling that you hate me.”
> 
> “I was just pissed off at everything. I hated that I got so low and I felt bad that I needed someone to fix me up. I never really wanted it to be you.”
> 
> “Fuck, I thought you liked me now! Are you going back again?”
> 
> “No, I don’t mean it like that, bro! It’s just you got your own issues and I didn’t want to bother you more.”

Okay, this isn't that bad of closure. Gamzee has good reason to be angry and good reason to give that up.

> “I’ve said it before, but you really should have bothered me earlier. We could have gotten together much earlier.”
> 
> “Like when we was three?”
> 
> “Ughh, not that early! You can’t have a proper romantic relationship that young!”
> 
> “Why not? If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be at any goddamn time!”

Pale romance being a romance, I imagine there's an age that is too young and rules against adults being in moirallegiences with minors.

> Karkat asked, “So, how do you feel about me?”
> 
> Gamzee answered, “I’m happy as hell about you!”
> 
> “I mean, do you pity me?”

No, because that's fanon.

> “I guess I pity you, but I also feel some magical feeling beyond all them good ol’ fashioned feelings.
> 
> “I feel motherfucking friendship for you.”

I got the punctuation right but why does that need to be two different paragraphs?

> “You can’t _feel_ friendship for someone, it’s a condition commonly found in certain aliens species and rarely in trolls!” Karkat replied,

The fandom makes a big deal about trolls having no friendship but other than a couple lines saying that trolls seem to have friendships just the way humans do.

> “But yes, I feel the same way.”
> 
> “Fuck yeah, motherfucker.”

Awww.

> Gamzee suddenly shot up. He looked off at something far away, and then stood up, bowling Karkat over.
> 
> “Holy motherfucking Mirthful Messiahs!” he cried.

This is the first time he's sworn to the Mirthful Messiahs instead of saying “holy clown”. He doesn't swear to them in the canon but let's all ignore that.

> Karkat stood up to see what Gamzee was looking at. He saw nothing. Gamzee turned around and pointed out to some spot in the ocean, jumping up and down.

Gamzee is jumping up and down, not the spot.

> Karkat again strained to see something and saw a dark shape fifty yards away coming to the shore.

I don't have the sense of scale for that. That might be too close.

> Could it really be that, Karkat thought.

Sans question mark.

> His question was answered when the dark shape surfaced and reared it white head. It was the Old Goat.

a.k.a. SATAN

> Gamzee ran into the ocean to greet his lusus, ignoring that he was fully-clothed. He was waist-deep when he finally reached his lusus and embraced the creature’s giant head. The lusus and charge honked in chorus.

This was before someone finally bleated like a goat for strategic and ironic purposes.

> Karkat took off his shoes and socks and reluctantly walked into the surf until the water was up to his knees.

Given how short he isn't that couldn't have taken long.

> Closer up, he saw that Gamzee was crying. He was shocked. He had never seen Gamzee cry, and giving the events of the past few nights, that was saying something.

I checked and while Gamzee cries in flashback he never cries in front of Karkat.

We much later see Gamzee cry in canon because horses or something.

Any chance to post this, I take.

> “It’s not dead?” he asked.

No, it's a zombie lusus.

> Gamzee wasn’t offended.“Nah, he ain’t, I knew he wasn’t. The Old Goat’s been around a few times, but I haven’t been around to greet him in a long time.”

Why is Gamzee's lusus absentee? I think it was manipulated somehow to make Gamzee's emotionally vulnerable.

> He sniffled. “Sometimes the other kids scared him away.”

Given how fearsome Old Goat is, those must have been some fearsome kids.

> “Bastards.”

In “Touch Me Not”, “bastard” refers to grubs found outside the main cavern and it's an insult.

> Karkat’s own lusus came up to see the hullaballo.

OpenOffice says that should be hullabaloo.

> It went to greet the seagoat as if they were old friends, which Karkat supposed they were. It was just weird to think of your lusus having friends.

Then they started fucking which was weirder.

> Karkat walked further into the water until he was in front of the seagoat. He felt intimidated. How could Gamzee be afraid of his little lusus when he had one the size of a worm trolley?

“Worm trolleys” are explained more in “Tentacles of Power”. They're giant worms that have been genetically engineer not to digest people. In an aside, we find out this doesn't always work. Scary but it's likely safer than the DC Metro.

> The Old Goat reared up its head and extended it to sniff the young troll. A tense moment past. Then it licked Karkat.

We find out later that Old Goat is very violent. It might have not been violent with Gamzee, but it's very likely it would be violent with Karkat.

On TVTropes, people argue that Gamzee's lusus not being around wasn't bad for Gamzee since the lusus was shitty. I guess they want to shoot down Gamzee's Freudian Excuse. But it'd be a much happier world if neglect didn't hurt just because the neglectful parent was violent when they were around.

> “Eeewwwww,” Karkat moaned.
> 
> He was glad he was in the water so he could wash all that saliva off.

Wash the saliva off with brackish salt water.

> The Old Goat returned to its cuddle fest with his charge and his friend. Karkat shrugged his shoulders, and joined them. It was the weirdest thing he had ever done. Well, one of the weirdest things.

He's had weirder threesomes.

> He said, “I’m your charge’s patron. I’m going to take care of your little wriggler, so don’t eat me.”

But Goatdad vored him.

> The Old Goat honked in reply. Karkat couldn’t understand the other troll’s lusus, but he knew everything was going to be all right.

The end.

I'm not joking, that's the end. There's nothing more about Karkat and Gamzee. There's other stories in this series about Gamzee/Eridan and Gamzee/Equius and Equius/Aradia and Equius' OC boyfriend but no gamkar goodness. I wrote plenty more gamkar fics but none in this universe. I imagine I've disappointed some people. I'm sorry for that but it's highly unlikely I'd write a sequel with them. All my Gamkar these days is bitter and ironic.

The chapter end note:

> I hope this provides something close to closure.

No, it doesn't.

> I might write more but not for a long long time (like a year). Enjoy what I've written.

This was finished in September 2011. My next work came in October. I always say I'll stay away from fanfiction but it's a lie.

As for this work, it isn't finished yet. The next chapter is a review. After that, I'll spork the side-stories. Then after that, I'll do a fake TVTropes page for the entire Hot Mess series. And after that? I should probably call it quits.

I'll leave you with this:

> 7/24/2013:  
> Yeah, this is a melodramatic piece of shit, but it's MY melodramatic piece of shit.

 


	19. Review of My Motherfucking Best Friend

 Time for a review! Let's first go over what happened in each chapter:

**Chapter 1**

Gamzee's POV. I established the story with a scene of barely lucid Gamzee having sex with a bullying OC.

**Chapter 2**

Karkat's POV. Karkat comes to help Gamzee.

**Chapter 3**

Gamzee's POV. Gamzee wakes up and gets angry at Karkat. Karkat asks Gamzee to be his moirail and Gamzee agrees.

**Chapter 4**

Karkat ties up Gamzee. An OC shows up to have sex with Gamzee but Karkat scares her away. Karkat and Gamzee talk about Gamzee's “friends”.

**Chapter 5**

Aradia and Sollux come to help Karkat out. Aradia reveals she's red-dating Equius and an OC is black-dating him. Aradia and Sollux leave.

**Chapter 6**

Gamzee and Karkat talk about Equius. Gamzee tells the story about how a fuschiablood OC raped him when he was six. Karkat cleans up and makes plans.

**Chapter 7**

Gamzee tells Karkat about his daymare. Gamzee gets dressed in clean clothes. Gamzee and Karkat talk about the mirror on the vanity.

**Chapter 8**

Gamzee breaks a window with his hand. He gets into an argument with Karkat. This is interrupted when Gamzee has a seizure. Karkat helps Gamzee through it with Aradia's guidance. When Gamzee is lucid, he and Karkat talk about what happened and about Karkat's blood. Aradia comes over and patches Gamzee up. Gamzee acts creepy towards her. When she leaves, Karkat asks if Gamzee hates him. Gamzee says yes.

**Chapter 9**

Karkat and Gamzee argue. It almost comes to blows but Gamzee passes out.

**Chapter 10**

While Gamzee is passed out, Karkat thinks about their relationship.

**Chapter 11**

He and Aradia talk via Trollian about Gamzee's health and his feelings towards Equius.

**Chapter 12**

Gamzee's POV. Gamzee wakes up and is frightened by Crabdad. Gamzee and Karkat watch troll Patch Adams.

**Chapter 13**

Karkat's POV. Karkat and Gamzee talk about the movie. Karkat sleeps in Gamzee's recupercoon. He's woken up by Gamzee licking him. Gamzee and Karkat argue. Karkat induces vomiting in Gamzee to purge him of sopor slime. Karkat resolves to troll Equius.

**Chapter 14**

Gamzee trolls Equius. Equius insults him and Gamzee gets angry and creepy. Equius' OC kismesis intercedes using Equius' handle. Karkat intercedes using Gamzee's handle. The OC and Karkat log into their own handles and talk it out. Gamzee and Equius return to trollian and talk it out. After the pesterlog, Gamzee and Karkat talk about how Gamzee is incompatible with Equius. Gamzee confesses to killing someone.

**Chapter 15**

Gamzee can't remember the circumstances of the murder. He eats a big meal. Karkat makes a sopor patch for him. Eridan shows up.

**Chapter 16**

Eridan and Karkat argue. Eridan claims he wants to ask Gamzee to be his matesprit. Gamzee comes down. He says he doesn't remember Eridan. Eridan leaves. Gamzee tells Karkat he did remember but pretended not to. Gamzee says he remembers the murder now.

**Chapter 17**

Told partially through flashback. A younger Gamzee is abused by an OC. The OC uses Gamzee's highblood black-outs for rough sex. When the OC reaches majority he dumps Gamzee so Gamzee kills him. Gamzee cannot remember the OC's name and gets Karkat's wrong.

**Chapter 18**

Gamzee and Karkat talk about Karkat's name. Karkat wonders where Crabdad is. He finds it outside playing in the surf. Gamzee and Karkat watch. They talk about their relationship. Gamzee says he doesn't hate Karkat anymore. Goatdad arrives and all four bond. The End.

  
  


# The Plot

The premise of this story is good. It's a H/C story, but the hurting character is resistant to help due to feelings of shame. There is tension in this story. However, as you can see from the chapter-by-chapter summary, there's no structure to the story. It just goes from one thing to another. What's worse is it simply ends. The various pieces of foreshadowing (help from Terezi and Feferi, a romance with Tavros, Gamzee learning skills) come to nothing. (Though the plastic foreshadowing is resolved.) These aren't sequel hooks because there was no real sequel. Plotwise, this story is a disappointment.

# The Characters

This is an evaluation of them as if MMFBF were an original story and not a fanfic. I'll get into how much they resemble their canon-selves later.

The characters all pass the crucial test of having desires. Gamzee wants to be loved, Karkat wants to be the best moirail, Aradia and (to some extent) Sollux want to help out the two, the OCs want to have sex with Gamzee, Eridan wants to both have sex with Gamzee and save face, and Equius and his kismesis want to be left alone.

Gamzee is a developed character. He went from thinking Karkat was just out to fuck him to being fully in love with him. He's making progress. 4chan called him “unrealistically needy” but he has reason to be needy. Whether he's in-character is another issues. The problem is he's so creepy and violent and doesn't have the sweetness to counteract his flaws. If the story had gone on longer, maybe he could have developed that.

# The Prose

I went into this thinking I'd find purple prose. Instead, it was beige. It's all “Karkat did this. Gamzee did this.” In general, my writing leans more to beige than purple. 4chan made me think I did go purple.

# The Dialogue

It's the dialogue where all the Narm happens. That's why 4chan's badfic quotes were all dialogue, if I recall correctly. Gamzee's rants are ridiculous. But why would you expect subdued understated dialogue from a fanfic based on Homestuck?

# Canonicity

This is where the fic has the most problems. Reading this fic, it sounds like the author hadn't read Homestuck though in actuality I'd been reading since EoA1. There's non-canon concepts that weren't even common in other fanfics: sopor slime as heroin, a hierarchy in moirallegience, indigobloods being a rare caste, blood degrees, and Gamzee's religion being outlaw. I think it's sopor slime as heroin that 4chan found the hardest to swallow. Though sopor slime is a fantasy drug, it's clearly presented as troll marijuana. Making it heroin is Rule of Drama.

As for the characters, I think they aren't as OOC as 4chan made them out to be. Karkat is far too apologetic but that's it. At this point we can't say for certain what Gamzee's canon personality since his character arc wasn't developed. This was before we found out Lil Cal could be mind-controlling him so this story doesn't take that into consideration. It all comes down to sopor slime withdrawal insanity but that's what everyone thought back then. Aradia and Sollux have no problems. Equius is as much an asshole as he is in canon. Eridan's motivation is sex but he's not a sex maniac. The OCs are OCs. What can I say.

# Conclusion

I was expecting this fanfic to be much worse than it was. However, it turn out it's not too bad. I enjoyed bits and pieces of it. I regret not continuing it but it's too late now. The comic has marched on and this hasn't aged well.

  
  


This sporking isn't over though. Stay tuned for the side-stories!

 

 


	20. Review of Sessions

 

Our first side-story! This was written concurrently with “My Motherfucking Best Friend” instead of after it. The summary explains why it was written:

> While writing My Motherfucking Best Friend, I thought "Equius with two doms? Why aren't we reading THAT story?" So I wrote that story.

Good reason to write a story.

It also adds:

> Deleted in a fury of deletion, but now back up again.

I checked the file “AradiaEquius Sessions” and it says it was created the same day this was posted. That was fast.

This story is Explicit and Underage. The characters are the equivalent of fifteen years old. Best not think of that. I didn't.

Tags:

> BDSM, Humiliation, Whipping, Aftercare, Femdom, Bondage, Dominance, Rough Sex, Non-Sgurb AU, Older AU

Again, not much, and there's no tumblr-style commentary tags.

This story doesn't really have heavy humiliation as much as patronizing sex talk. The whipping happens off-screen. The kink here is aftercare.

> Aradia walked into one of the rooms in Equius’ mansion. Being as high-class as he was, Equius could afford many rooms.

Vriska admits to doomed-timeline!John that her hive has lots of superfluous blocks. I imagine that's common.

> Unlike the rest, this one was practically bare. There were no decorations on the metal walls, no musclebeast art or robotic schematics.

Equius hung (tee hee) musclebeast art on the walls of the Veil so I imagine he hangs them everywhere in this hive.

> The only thing on the wall was a dumbwaiter.

A dumbwaiter is a small elevator used to bring food from the kitchen to dining rooms or bedrooms.

> There was nothing on the floor except a red mat and a bucket with a red heart on it. This was Aradia and Equius’ private concupiscent block.

What, don't you have a room in your house entirely for sex? Peasant.

> The door on the other side of the room slide open.

Plus another room for sex with your other partner? Shame. Maybe you could afford it if you bought less avocado toast.

> Equius, naked except for his thigh-high socks, stumbled in.

a.k.a. his schoolgirl fetish accessories.

> He wasn’t even wearing his shades, though his eyes had already adjusted to the light.

I love photophobic!Equius.

> His arms were cuffed behind his back, and a ring, in a more purple blue, adorned his hard bone bulge.

We're talk stiff bone bulges here, but would rings work on tentacles?

> His legs weren’t cuffed, but he still walked uneasily, his thighs coated in lubricant and genetic material the same color as his bulge ring.

The more purple blue is Lupine Durand's color. We'll see the exact shade later.

> Aradia was fully and modestly dressed in her normal blouse and skirt.

The casual dominatrix.

> Equius feel on his knees on the mat. Aradia strolled over and carefully kneel on the mat. She stroked his wet hair.

His greasy hair, if we're being honest.

> “Poor little weak troll,” she cooed, “Weak little troll wriggler.”

Here we have the humiliation.

> He smiled dumbly and drooled a little through his now even more broken teeth.

“Dumbly” is ableist.

> He didn’t wince when she touched his broken horn, though she knew it hurt.

Would the broken horn hurt?

> He had already been through a lot of hurt with his kismesis Lupine Durand.

The original doc said “Aetlas Telmon”.

> His shoulders were covered in cuts and bruises. He was blue all over, but as happy as he could be.

Trolls use “blue” to mean “sad” like humans do. I wonder what the etymology behind that is? Are bluebloods supposed to be stressed from being awesome and in-charge?

> “Turn around,” she said.

*singing* briiiiight eyes.

> He did so while remaining kneeled.

That's hard to do.

> Aradia sighed dramatically at Equius’ injuries, though in truth she admired Lupine's whip work.

If you wanted to see Aradia use her whipkind on Equius, you'll be disappointed.

Later when we learn more about Lupine, he's more a brawler than a weapons-user. But where there's a whip, there's a way.

> She took a medical kit out of her sylladex and cleaned his back with disinfecting wipes. She then dried his back with a big fluffy towel and bandaged it.

This is sweet.

> He shivered and laughed a little.

I guess he's in subspace.

> “Turn around again,” she said, and he did so.

*singing* briiiight eyes...again.

> She looked at him a moment and then lifted his head with her hand so she could look at his eyes. She always thought it was a shame she couldn’t see them more.

Someday I should write a lover seeing Equius' eyes and saying “put back on the shades”.

> She took a small dainty handkerchief and dabbed his drooling mouth.

A detail that might be left out of other fics.

> “You look thirsty,” she said, “I need to help you.”
> 
> Equius looked at the dumbwaiter, but Aradia forcible turned his head back to her.
> 
> “No, not that way. Not when Aradia has a nice wet nook for you.”

No offense to lady lube but Gatorade is better.

> She lifted up her skirt. He winced with disgust when he saw she didn’t wear underwear. He did that every time. Aradia normally wore boyshorts, but every time she visited Equius she took them off. As far as he knew, she was scandalous enough to run around wearing nothing under her skirt like the impoverished lowblood she was.

Later we find out how he got that impression.

Damn, I want fanart of Aradia in boyshorts.

> Her nook was as wet as she said it was, and her bone nub was fully erect.

Her pathetic bone nub because the author couldn't give ladies mighty phallus. Not yet, at least.

> She had masturbated a little before entering, but the pitiful sight of the arrogant blueblood did so much for her.

A beaten Equius cheers up everyone, whether you're a fan or a hater!

> She stopped his constant glare by grabbing his head and shoving it into her nook.

She didn't insert his head _into_ her nook, though I'm sure that fic/art exists.

> He started drinking her lubrication.

I could have said “juices” but that's cliché and I'd rather use clinical terms.

> When they had first started their sexual relationship, when they first settled into matespirteship, [...]

I didn't need to use both.

> Equius was terrible at cunnilingus.

Would trolls call it cunnilingus? Do they have oral sex at all or is that just wishful thinking? I feel so sorry for them if they don't.

> He either licked too roughly or too gingerly, and his snaggleteeth didn’t help.

Other than Karkat every troll's teeth shouldn't help.

> Aradia had trained him to be better, but it still wasn’t very good at it. No mat ter. He had other good points.

If they aren't good at head, you should dump them.

> She pushed his head back up and looked at his one big good point.

His intelligence and surprising kindness?

> His big blue engorged bone bulge was almost slapping his grub feeding scar.

Oh, that. That's probably a good percentage why I like Equius, to be honest, though that's entirely headcanon.

Grub feeding scar = belly button. There's no grubscars in this. Grubscars don't make sense biological but everyone loves xenonipples. Karkat's romance novel reveals trolls (or at least male) trolls have the same upper-bodies as humans.

> He was always down on himself for not being as big as Lupine or even his beloved musclebeasts.

I wrote a pesterlog fanfic between Equius and Karkat where Equius thinks his bone bulge because it's not the size of a one sweep wiggler. Some fans did a reading of this fic but when I deleted the fic the link went with it. I so wish I could hear it again.

> Aradia disagreed. She had seen her quadrant buddy’s bone bulge before and she though it looked gross and lumpy.

Large penises do get to a point where they look less sexy and more horrifying.

> As for the musclebeasts in his art, she found them to be very anatomically inaccurate.

Maybe Hiveswap will answer how accurate musclebeast art is.

I have a headcanon that Equius doesn't know those are penises on the musclebeasts.

> She was more than happy with his bone bulge, but she tried to disguise the sheer lust in her look. She didn’t want him to get more arrogant.

 

<This is a giant cock. source: boogie nights.>

So why does a fifteen year old have a porn star cock? It's fanfiction.

> Equius gasped. This was fun and all but she needed to give him actual water.

Should have done that earlier.

> She used her low level psionic skills to open the dumbwaiter and bring out a bottle of water. The bottle fell down next to the mat and she picked it up.

Alive Aradia doesn't use psionics to get down into the crater so maybe this means they were too weak. Or she only uses them for things she could easily do herself. Why is the dumbwaiter even necessary?

> She took the bottle and squeezed some water into his mouth. She needed to do this slowly so he wouldn’t drink too fast. The pace was infuriating for the both of them. Equius was so thirsty and Aradia was dying to get to the next part. Still, she knew she needed to be careful.

Why don't you just inject water into him with a hypo needle?

> When the bottle was empty, she again wiped his mouth.

This so needed its own paragraph.

> “Good little wriggler,” she said, “You drank all your water without an accident!”

I should have tagged for infantilization fetish.

> Aradia got up and unbuttoned her blouse and took off her bra. Her large acid globes swung free.

Acid globes meaning breasts. This isn't one of my weird headcanons; the idea that female trolls have sacks of acid on their chests has a long history. Someone even made a brigade of female soldiers who fight with their acid globes.

“Her [breasts] swung free” sounds more like something a male author would write.

> She caught Equius leering at her.
> 
> “No! Look away when mistress is changing!” she yelled.
> 
> He quickly looked away. Aradia smiled to herself. She liked that he always looked at her like he was seeing her for the first time.

That would be more romantic if they'd been together decades. A teenager still being excited to see breast isn't amazing.

> She took off her skirt and sho es, but she left on her red and white stripped stockings, because why would she take those off?

Stocking fetish...though sex is better when your feet aren't cold.

> She capchalogued them and then sat on the mat.
> 
> “You can look at me now,” she said in a low sultry voice.
> 
> Equius opened his clenched eyes and turned his head back to her. He gasped and smiled broadly before returning to his normal dignified frown.

<Horuss: I shall henceforth emote in my customary manner, as such.>

> “Turn around again,” she said.

blah blah bright eyes.

> He did so, and he bent over a bit in anticipation for a nubbing. Aradia sometimes penetrated Equius with her bone nub. His nook was so large neither felt much physically from it, but it was still fun.

So tribbing basically.

> But that wasn’t in the plans for the night. She undid his cuffs instead and ordered him to turn around again. She then scotched forward and leaned back with her knees up.

It's supposed to be scooched unless she became eggs.

> “You aren’t getting my bone bulge tonight,” she said, “I’m getting yours.”
> 
> Equius laid down on the floor with his bone bulge pointing to the ceiling.
> 
> “Good boy!” she cheered, “But I’m thinking of something different. I want…I command you be on top.”

“Power bottoms” are an author appeal.

> “WHAT, NO!” Equius bellowed.

So loud Vriska can hear and again she wishes she couldn't.

> Aradia stood up over Equius.
> 
> “Are you telling your mistress no?” she said with real anger, “I command you to lay between my thighs!”
> 
> “I cannot do such a thing! My strength hurt you!”

He would have a point if this wasn't fanfiction.

> Aradia grumbled wi th frustration and said, “You’ve lost your strength, jerk!

I long ago read a fanfic where Equius threw himself off a cliff so he could be weak enough for loving. That's an extreme measure.

> And if you haven’t I can just call Durand in here! He’s probably still next door eating his game.” Equius grimaced at the thought of meat eating.

Equius doesn't like Nepeta eating meat but he begrudgingly allows it. The comic doesn't say he doesn't eat meat and it might be impossible for trolls to be vegetarian but I have to put vegetarianism everywhere. I'm not even a very good vegetarian myself.

> “Or I can just whip it out of you myself!”
> 
> Equius relented, more at the threat of disapproval than violence.

Aradia's strifedeck is whipkind but other than using it as a rope we never see her with it. I presume she uses whipkind as a nod to Indiana Jones and not because she's a kinkster, but I'm not Andrew Hussie.

> “As you wish, Mistress Megido,” he said as he slowly got off the floor.

...and rolled down a hill.

> He got on his knees and slowly moved himself forward until he was between her thighs. With him hovering over her she started feeling nervous. She was tall, but he was taller than her and big everywhere. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea? She had too much pride to go back now after badgering him so much.

She died. The End.

> “Please…” she said softly and submissively, “Please don't hurt me.”

I think changing positions would work better.

> Equius kissed her on the forehead and stroked her hair. Aradia didn’t correct him for such familiarities.

Why the enforced coldness? You're dating.

> She tried to gain her dominance by grabbing his bone bulge. He was really ready to go. She wasn’t sure she was ready.

You are probably too young to be having sex in the first place.

> “Now?” he croaked.

Don't steal Aradia's schtick.

> She let go of his bulge and put two fingers in her soaking nook. She stretched herself out the best she could, knowing that her small dainty hands were no match for his huge bulge.

She's an Amazoness but with small dainty hands.

> She pressed against the sensitive engorged walls and desired even more to have something bigger pressed against them. She opened her eyes and looked into Equius’ needy ones.
> 
> “Now,” she said, as she took him and guided him into her.

Those five seconds of foreplay really helped.

> It hurt a little when he entered her, but it always hurt.

According to tumblr it should NEVER HURT AT ALL.

> He only put the tip in, but Aradia slid herself forward until she was down to his ring. They stayed like this for a moment. He was too afraid to move. She thrust up against him.

We're in Aradia's POV so she shouldn't know 100% he's motivated by fear.

> “Move,” she hissed, “Move, your mistress commands it.”

“Your misssstresss commandssss it.”

> He moved slowly back and forward in her. She gasped and squeezed her inner walls every time his bulge moved out as if trying to keep him in and loosened up whenever his bulge returned.

Good, I sound like someone who has had sex before.

> It felt great, but this still wasn’t what she was looking for tonight.
> 
> “Faster!” she whisper, “Your mistress says faster!”
> 
> “B..but!”
> 
> “Don’t argue with me!”

If this was realistic, those would be her last words.

> He paused for a moment mid-stroke, and then rammed it into her. She went “oh!” and then started laughing in embarrassment.

Laughing during sex is so cute.

> Equius gave her what she wanted. He was banging her hard. Her horns were hitting the floor and the mat was being pushed over, but neither of them cared.

This is rather mild rough sex.

> She took her arms and stockened legs and wrapped them around his back and pushed his crotch into her nub.

Of course I had to mention the stockings.

> He grinded against her nub. She could feel his bulge throbbing around her seedflap.

The seedflap is the most mysterious troll part. There's only two mentions of it (as far as I can find) and it's Karkat saying a rough situation is going to “fondle major seedflap” and elsewhere Sollux saying Karkat's seedflap is flapping in the wind. There's nothing you can substitute for seedflap that makes sense.

> Before her nub could go numb he moved back a little and started thrusting upwards. Aradia gave a squeak of surprise as he hit a sensitive spot. He then started thrusting downwards and got into a regular rhythm.

In and out, in and out.

> Aradia moaned lowly, making noises that almost sounded like cat howls.

Shouldn't that remind him of Nepeta and be a total turn-off?

> Equius grunted and roared.

Super-macho porn star sounds.

> Both of their lube puddle down below them, and his kismesis seed got smeared all over her thigh and ass.

Did it make a glopping sound?

> Somewhere in the back of her head, Aradia knew Equius was being too rough, but she didn’t care.

This is too rough? *yawns*

> This was a good session.

Roll credits.

Session seems a cold way to put it.

> She lifted her head and looked at Equius’ chin. She took his lower lip in her mouth and started to suck on it. It tasted like blood and sweat.

That's what happens when you kiss someone who's been socked in the mouth for thirty minutes.

> His teeth were gritted, but she snaked her tongue through the holes.

Sexy or weird?

> She could taste more blood. She pulled away and he moaned. She started to lick his sweat covered face.

His heavily-acned face. (Just like mine.)

> He hit something in her and she gasped and choked a little on his hair.

Shouldn't have been eating his hair.

> He reacted by going a tiny bit slower until she pressed him in again.

Before she bench-pressed him.

> “Pail…” she said, “Pail!”
> 
> She hit Equius on the shoulder , suddenly afraid he wouldn’t stop in time.
> 
> “Please…” she said again, “Pail NOW!”

Fics where trolls don't end up using their pail might out-number ones where they do.

> Lightning fast he pulled out of her and put the pail in front of her, accidentally denting it again.

But this isn't one of them.

Equius dents pails but not Aradia?

> Aradia grabbed the sides and pulled herself up over top of it. She rubbed her seedflap twice before her maroon genetic material flowed out.

I thought the seedflap was her cervix. Or is it her labia? Or should we not think of troll genitals?

> Equius looked up into her eyes.
> 
> “Permission to pail?” he asked.
> 
> “Yep.”

Director: Cut! It's “eeyup”!

> Equius barely grazed his bone bulge and it started ejaculating his genetic material. He roared as he filled up the rest of the bucket.

I remember long ago a confession from a homestucks couple saying they used buckets during sex.

> He picked up the bucket and looked at the swirls of red and blue.
> 
> “My,” he said as he weaved back and forth, “Our colors together make such a nice purple.”

I'm wondering now about the mixing properties of genetic material.

> The maroon blood laughed and fell down on the mat. The blue blood put the bucket to the side and laid down beside his matesprite.

Maroonblood should be one word, blueblood one word, and it's matesprit without an e.

> When they first started Equius had been reluctant to cuddle, but once he got over his reservations he was a champion cuddler.

Champion cuddler if he stays perfectly still.

> Aradia took her head and laid it on his chest. She then looked down at his spent bulge.
> 
> “And you have permission to take this silly thing off,” she said as she gently pulled off his kismesis’ ring.

In “Ai No Kusabi” slaves have cock rings as marker tags.

> She threw it somewhere away, and then she kissed Equius.

Hey, those things are expensive!

> “Wow, that was something,” she said.

Aradia: that was s0 0kay

> Equius asked horsely, “It wasn’t too much, Aradia?”

“Horsely”, get it? Even though the word is “hoarsely”?

> “Just enough.”
> 
> “I wasn’t too rough?”
> 
> “Well,” Aradia said as she played with his hair, “I’ll probably have to go every fifteen minutes to the load…to the toilet, and you’ll have to carry me. But I can handle that.”

Other smut ignores UTI but I'm a realist.

> “You are STRONGER than I imagined.”

And she's not even a robot in this verse, except for the artificial heart.

> “Thank you. I love you too.”
> 
> Equius gave an embarrassed smile.
> 
> “I am flushed for you as well,” he said.
> 
> They lied together in the afterglow for quite some time.

Awww.

There's another chapter, but it's basically an extra. Here it is:

> A voice came on over the intercom disturbing the two lovers.
> 
> "Hey, EQ, your wireleth suckth ath!"
> 
> Equius pushed the intercom button and growled back, "I didn't give you the password for the network!"
> 
> Sollux's tinny voice replied, "You didn't have to, I just guessed that it was 'Pa%%word'."
> 
> "What? I'll change it immediately."
> 
> "While you're at it you might ath well keep a certain neighbor of yourth from stealing your bandwith."
> 
> "VRISKA!!!!"

I wonder if trolls have to pay for internet connection. Then again, internet connectivity is magical in the World of Homestuck. NOTHING stops the internet.

Anyway, in conclusion, this isn't too bad a story. The dynamic was sweet. The intercourse was all “he thrust a lot and she liked it” which is rather beige. They're too young for this kinky fuckery but that's homestuck smut for you. This fanfic doesn't add to MMFBF at all but who cares?

Next up: we meet Lupine Durand.

  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


  
  


 

 

  
  


  
  


 

 


	21. Revisiting "Hungry Like the Wolf" - Part 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hungry Like the Wolf - Chapters 1 through 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: rape, child-on-child sex abuse, mentioned necrophilia, picture of dead Equius, picture of musclebeast

Here we get the full story of Equius' OC kismesis. Nobody asked for it and I point that out in the summary:

 

 

 

> Since nobody asked for it, here's a series of drabbles about the guy fucking Equius in My Motherfucking Best Friend.

Indeed, it's not very popular compared to MMFBF.

The title comes from the Duran Duran song “Hungry Like the Wolf”. The big-budget music video is very famous. Some might say their music videos are better than their actual music.

Video: "Hungry Like the Wolf" by Duran Duran

As for the band's namesake, Dr. Durand Durand is a tyrant whose regime uses a machine called the Excessive Machine/Orgasmatron to kill people. Ironic considering Lupine Durand's technophobia.

My OCs first name isn't as clever, but then again neither is Equius'.

The story is Rated Mature despite having Graphic Depictions of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, and Underage. Under categories, it's Gen and Multi despite being clearly M/M. Don't know why I did that.The relationships listed are Equius Zahhak/Original Character, Aradia Megido/Equius Zahhak, Nepeta Leijon/No One. Aradia/Equius is an off-screen ship and Nepeta/No One is a joke on how Lupine will never get her. Under characters, I forgot to list Equius which is a huge thing to leave out. I'll probably fix these problems later.
The Additional Tags are: Black Romance, Character Study, Original Character(s), POV Second Person, Wordcount: 100-1.000, Dom/sub, Domestic, Slice of Life, Nature. These tags do fit except Nature. I never tag “POV Second Person” these days, probably because almost every Homestuck writer uses that POV.
The Wordcount is per chapter, not per work. Still, the entire work is only 9,568 words. By contrast, MMFBF is 30,374 words. HLTW is less than 1/3 the size of its source work. I'm doing it in two parts.
    
The story was started in early June, concurrent with MMFBF, but it was finished (or rather abandoned) a little after I finished MMFBF.
Let's start the story:

 

> **== >**

The title of this chapter and a sign of an original flavor story. Second-person, lemony narrator, and even the same front.

The story starts with this sprite. The symbol is supposed to be three moons: waxing, waning, and full. I don't think it came across well. His bangs echo this symbol. He wears a mullet because of course he wears a mullet. His horns are wolf-ears, just like Nepeta's are cat-ears. His teeth are rather pathetic for a warrior like him. His eyelashes are supposed to be dark to the point of effeminacy. In one talksprite, he has big pathetic eyes. The criss-cross on his legs are supposed to be wrappings, since he's too wild to wear socks. In his talksprite, he wears criss-cross bands around his forearms. If I did a full-portrait of him, his pants would come to knee-length. His tank-top is a nod to Equius' top. Both this sprite and the talksprites show him to be a rough-and-ready wild troll though he is wiry compared to Equius and on the pretty side. Not the best sprite but not bad.

 

 

> Your name is LUPINE DURAND

A common beginning to both original flavor fics and fics that only have a second-person narration and not the full original style. I think it's over-used. You really only need it once in a story.

 

 

> You are a terrible person.

We start off with a lemony narrator quite quickly.

 

 

> You are an uneducated boor, a lazy oaf, a bully, a sadist, a murderer, a cannibal, a rapist and a necrophilia, an unrepentant bigot, and you have a poor diet.

The list of sins goes from less offensive to most offensive than goes back to something that isn't really a sin. TVTropes calls this [Murder, Arson, and Jaywalking](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ArsonMurderAndJaywalking). Note that bigotry is worst than necrophilia. It's ironic necrophilia is on the list considering the positive portrayal of Gamzee (though Gamzee isn't guilty of that in this verse).

 

 

> Most people would say the only good thing you do is make Equius Zahhak a better person. Other people would say that’s the worst thing about you.

The secondary point of Lupine, with the main one to be a perfect kismesis for Equius and the third to be sexy.

Chapter 2:

 

 

> **The Wriggler and the Woods**

Basically Lupine's early life. It's told through ten short paragraphs.

 

> 1\. The white wolf smells the hairy wriggler. He relaxes after discovering the blood isn’t your own. It wouldn’t be the first time your blood confused someone.

Given all trolls go through trials in the caves, they should all come out with blood. These trials are never described though. Given the canon trolls came on meteors possibly they never went through the trials, though Vriska claims she remembers.

 

 

> 2\. You design your own hive, but you soon grow bored with it. You often escape Akela’s white paw and run off into the forest. The Alternia wilderness holds no fear for you, though you are still too young to fight most of the animals. After a while Akela grows tired of bring you back to the lawnring and gives into the wanderlust. But a troll needs a home. You build several cozy dachives tucked into the forest.

Karkat in “eXperiment Aradia Continuation”, also an animal-themed troll, eschews his hive. The story behind this is never told. I don't think I remember it.

The name “Akela” comes from Mowgali's adopted wolf father in “The Jungle Book”.

“Dachives” is supposed to be a take on “dachas”, which are Russian second-homes cottages. It doesn't really work.

 

 

> 3\. You have blue blood. You have always known this, but Equius Zahhak was the one who informed you that your hemospectrum value is 241º.  When he’s really angry he points out your blood is shamefully bright and not even very rare. It doesn’t fucking matter. You’re still a fucking blue blood.

Trolls referring to blood color by degrees is an old headcanon of mine. I've seen in fanfics trolls refer to blood color by Hex number. The idea that bright blood is considered shameful isn't a bad headcanon except for the part where blood that could be considered bright exists beyond the Vantases.

 

 

> 4\. You are one of the few trolls who can sleep without a recupercoon in this era. Often times you just lay down on the floor and sleep for fifteen minutes. You find it sad how dependant trolls are on those disgusting things. You openly scoff at the idea that a warrior race could be scared off by dreams of blood. But you have daymares too. You are a wriggler lost in the woods. You try to find your lusus but only find a trail of blood that match your own. So whenever you can, you sleep in a recupercoon.

We never see Nepeta's recupercoon and some people theorize she doesn't have one. As I've said earlier, we never learn much about recupercoons and they were forgotten in Act 6.

Lupine's daymare is similar to Gamzee's second daymare in MMFBF.

 

 

> 5.Your abandoned dahives make easy pickings. You often find squatters living in them when you return. The animals you can kill, eat, and mount on the wall. You can’t mount the trolls.

Wasn't it already said he was a necrophiliac?

Ignoring the double entendre, what's stopping him from making trophies of the trolls? I imagine he wouldn't be the first highblood to do that.

 

> 6\. You are a mighty hunter and warrior. Your strength equals Equius and you have much better dexterity than him. You have killed musclebeasts and other mighty animals. You are an excellent tracker and nothing can sneak up on you. You can brave mild daylight and you have met a rainbow drinker and lived to tell the tale. All the lesser blood trolls and even many blue bloods cower before you. No one dares bother you, not even your kismesis most of the time.

He's a Marty Stu!

 

 

> Vacuums scare the crap out of you.

Well, not 100%.

Vacuums scaring him is a nod to his dog-like nature. Which raises the question if Nepeta is also scared of vaccums.

 

 

> 7\. When you were young, your schoolfeeding booth broke down. You sat in it every night for perigee wondering when it was going to start working. When you first visited/broke into your kismesis’ hive, the sliding doors freaked you out. You didn’t get a husktop until you were five sweeps and you didn’t get trolltag until you were six and a half sweeps. You hate technology. You punch more robots than Equius.

As far as flaws go, this isn't bad. It has an impact on his life.

 

 

> 8\. If you knew your name came from a musical group filled with pretty alien boys, you would be so pissed. The Barbarella reference would go right over your head. You never were much for movies.

Breaking the fourth wall in ways even the original comic didn't. Don't know why this deserved its own section.

I've heard In-Universe, troll first names come from the first sound their lusii make. This is canon but it doesn't make much sense since it's hard to imagine the lusii making those complex sounds that don't fit their species.

 

 

> 9\. Your lusus is the only creature with whom you feel true empathy. The three-eyed wolf is the only thing you feel sentimental about in this universe. When you reach maturity you fully expect to take him along with you into space. You would die without him.

Akela's three-eyes are both a take on Nepeta's two-mouthed cat and Lupine's three-moon symbol. I never made a sprite of Akela and I regret that.

Lupine's love for Akela is a literal Pet The Dog. The canon doesn't say lusii can't go with their charges on adulthood though given the size and temperament of many lusii it's likely it's allowed in only a few cases. I got flak for this headcanon though.

 

 

> You find Equius and his lusus creepy.

Aurthor is meant to be creepy, considering he's based off of Hussie's most creepy series of comics.

 

 

> 10\. You grew up being the only blueblood around. Usually only lowbloods live out in the country and the wilderness. You were used to being so high up on the hemospectrum no one would even dare talk to you.

In Askura's [Covalent Bonds](http://archiveofourown.org/works/716115?view_full_work=true), it's said that most lowbloods live away from civilization to avoid harassment, with Sollux being the exception to the rule. Can't say if this is true or not. Might come up in Hiveswap.

 

 

> The cat girl was different. She dared to look you in the eye and hiss at you. When she did abscond it was more like she was annoyed or tired of you instead of afraid. And so the dog and the cat became enemies.

Lupine and Nepeta would make good kismesises but that's not our ship.

Next Chapter:

 

 

> **Courting**

Self-explanatory title. This is in the same format as the last chapter, but it's not all in Lupine's POV.

 

 

>   1. You first heard about Equius Zahhak from his moirail. She yowled that she was going to go sic her patron on you. She told you that he wasn’t a lowblood like her. You did consider her green blood low, but she was still the highest troll you had met so far in your life. You scoffed so she told you he was a powerful blueblood. You were fascinated and wanted to ask more but you were too proud. Instead you drew him out and stalked him as he stumbled around the wilderness.
> 
> 


I imagine whether olive blood is low or middle is up to the speaker. Horuss calls it midblood and Equius doesn't use that exact word but he says it's not too bad.

 

 

> 2\. You first heard about Lupine Durand from your moirail.

Obviously Equius' POV.

 

 

> She had come to you for help with a neighbor of hers.  You thought she could handle the situation on her own until she told him he was a powerful blueblood.

Equius thinking Nepeta could handle a situation on her own is OOC, though this does take place a little later than the canon.

 

 

> It was bad enough that Nepeta lived the way she did, but she had extraneous circumstances.

We never find out what those circumstances are. I'm sure there's plenty of theories to why she lives the way she does.

 

 

> His conduct disgusted you immediately.  He was not to be Nepeta’s kismesis. Instead, you would become the fighting couple’s temporary auspictice.

Becoming a temporary auspictice is dangerous for Equius and not because of Lupine. Equius could get stuck in ashen. In Kanaya: Return to the Core, Feferi accuses Eridan of trying to force her into an Ashen relationship with Sollux and him, ruining whatever quadrant (red? pale?) she had with Sollux. Though it is nice that trolls value non-sexual relationships, their ridged exclusiveness makes things hard.

 

 

> You sought out Lupine and it was difficult. You wandered around the wilderness for a long time until he found you.

Totally wandering on purpose and not because you don't have the sense of direction God gave Ryouga. (Lupine does look like Ryouga, doesn't he?)

 

 

> 3\. After all those nights and days of watching that idiot you finally get to jump him.

This is Lupine's POV.

 

 

> You have surprise to your advantage but that soon fades away. What your opponent lacks in finesse he makes up in strength and rage.

Lupine isn't as strong as Equius and that makes him less of a Marty Stu.

 

 

> He almost pins you but you move away and he tears off your clothes and it’s all over for him. He is too awestruck to do anything else.

Distracted by the sexy! Though what did Equius expect when he tore Lupine's clothes.

 

 

> Unfortunately, he’s also too sweaty to hold onto.

Guess Lupine doesn't know troll Turkish Oil Wrestling.

 

 

> The fight ends in a tie. You yell romantic promises to one another and abscond.

I imagine Lupine runs away on all fours.

 

 

> 4\. Despite your mutual black feelings, you end up on an ashen date.

This is Lupine's POV though it's ambiguous from this sentence.

 

 

> Nepeta and her patron ambush you and chain you up.

Lupine doesn't win all the time.

 

 

> All three of you sit in a forest glade. He lectures you on your behavior but he is too waxen to think properly. Even the autistic girl can sense the chemistry between you.

Besides whether Nepeta is really autistic or not, would Lupine even know that word? He isn't the type to read psychology books.

 

 

> She is more angry at her patron for falling for your obvious superiority than at you. You can’t claim you weren’t aroused too. Everyone’s feelings get in the way.

Ashen is the most complicated quadrant and we never get to see it in action. Gamzee/Rose/Terezi didn't get any screentime.

 

 

> It also doesn’t help when you break out of your chains and run away.

Again, running on all fours. Why doesn't he attack them?

 

 

> Your moirail thinks you are only going off alone to find Lupine so you can have sloppy makeouts with him.

Equius' POV and not Nepeta's. Remember the patron/moirail distinction.

 

 

> You tell her that she’s wrong and you just don’t want her to get hurt. She is right.

A Nod to Seek the Highb100d? Even though hopeful Equius wasn't in it for the sloppy makeouts. Or at least only partially.

 

 

> You tell him this later on the moors.

Shouting like Catherine for his Heathcliffe.

These “moors” are supposed to be the landscape outside of Aradia's hive.

(Aradia's hive from canon)

 

 

> He is hungry for you [...]

Hence the title.

 

 

> and he isn’t content with words. Ignoring your cries for decency he pins you down and has his glorious way with you.

Rape as Love (or rather Rape as Hate?). We see this scene later. Can it be justified?

 

 

> You had been saving yourself, but it is the maroonblood who saves you. A kismesis and a matesprite. Nepeta is half angry, half happy.

Meanwhile, this story is told in Nightingale.

 

 

> 6\. A moon segment after the devouring, your lover returns to his hive and you follow him.

“Devouring”. That's a creepy way to put it but rape is creepy.

“Lover” is also inappropriate.

 

 

> One night you break into his hive. You throw a rock through his window, jump in, and charge towards the sliding door. You skitter across the floor and fall into a pile of robot parts.

Wah-wah-waaaah.

 

 

> Your lover takes advantage of your petrified state to grope you. Before it goes further you regain your courage and push him away.

I would say “oh equius no” but this is a guy who already raped him and besides Equius' actions to Aradia in the canon are worse.

 

 

> You wrestle, give each other hickeys, several robots are broken, you curse each other’s ancestors, and his lusus kicks you in the face. A good date.

We never see a black date in canon.

 

 

> You set up camp outside your lover’s hive with your lusus in tow. You sit outside all night, howling and masturbating furiously.

What Vriska thinks of this we don't hear. She's awfully silent in this series.

 

 

> During the day you hide in a crag. It rains, and he comes outside and yells at you for being such an idiot. He orders you to come inside but you refuse his order out of pride. He offers you his services as a host and you say something lewd that makes him wince.

Kismesises who care are so cute.

 

 

> He opens the door wide and offers you a hot meal. The smell of bacon wafts out. You run in.
> 
> It's not bacon.

Dogs don't know it's not bacon!

(Tweet: Beggin' Strips: Stop pretending dogs don't know it's not bacon. They smell cocaine in a cooch across an airpost; I'm sure they know NOT bacon)

Found this while googling the phrase.

 

 

> You sit down across from your lover at your dinner table. Finally, a black date without any lewd goings-on! All it took was a little self-control, a little  blueblood deceit, several robots, your strong lusus, and a pan of vegetarian bacon.

Vegetarianism strikes again! Vegetarian bacon isn't bad but I don't know if it would fool anyone.

 

 

> Over a meal of tempeh parmesan […]

Tempeh is delicious but I don't think it would go well with Parmesan. I suppose that's the joke I was making.

 

 

> […] you inform him that you will be his kismesis only if he doesn’t harm Nepeta or Aradia.

I assume that's standard in decent kismesisitudes.

 

 

> He says you’re not worth it. ROBO-SLAP! He assents and asks to be released.

That's Dubious Consent I think. Then again, his relationship with Aradia in this canon happened the same way.

The ROBO-SLAP is not from Lupine's arm.

 

 

> You assent and set his chair to vibrate.
> 
> Okay, so it wasn’t exactly a clean date.

In light of the source of his name, it is amusing Lupine was trapped in an Orgasmatron.

 

 

> 10\. The two argue about which time counts as their first date. The wolf says it was the ambush in the forest. The horse says it was the trap in the lawn ring. This is excellent. A black couple who agrees on the date of their anniversary is no black couple at all!

The ambush in the forest was their ashen date and Lupine was the loser there, so I don't know why he picks that.

The formula “a/an X who doesn't Y is no X at all” appears somewhere in the comic.

Next Chapter:

 

 

> **Mating**

A.K.A. sex

An author's note:

 

 

> Warning: Lupine is really fucked-up.

He truly is. Another reminder: this talks about Lupine's sex life before he was fifteen years old (in human terms). He's the littlest serial sexual predator. Not that that never happens in real-life.

 

 

> 1\. Your relationship with Equius is very physical and you wouldn’t want it any other way. You couldn’t have it any other way. Neither of you are good with words. When you want to communicate, you do it with punches and roars. You rarely communicate over the internet due to your technophobia, so when you talk it’s face to face. Everything is physical and when things get physical, they soon get sexual, and you both end up covered in seed and sweat.

The chapter starts out though with his (relatively) healthy relationship with Equius.

 

 

> 2\. You learned how to masturbate before you could even produce genetic material. Your lusus didn’t stop you; he just licked his own genitals. Masturbating quickly becomes your favorite time-killer. You love to pleasure yourself with the warm body of a fresh kill after a long adrenaline-racing hunt.

That went from “well it's weird but kids do that” to “jesus christ!” fast.

 

 

> Equius never masturbates. He thinks it’s a terrible, wasteful habit and he hates that you do it. He still has needs. You catch him sometimes leaning against a vibrating machine until he has an “accident”.

Could he masturbate with his STRENGTH any other way?

 

 

> 3\. You remember your first time. You are only five sweeps old […]

That's 10.8 in Earth years. Even considering child-on-child sex abuse that's young.

 

 

> [...]and you have just pinned down an older lowblood[...]

Plus his victim is older, though I never say by how much. That adds insult to injury.

 

 

> [...]and he’s crying and begging you not to rape him and you don’t even know what he means.

Scary idea: Alternian trolls don't have a word for rape because it's normal.

 

 

> A wet spot appears and you think it’s piss but it turns out it’s protective lubricant.

Scientist theorize vagina-havers* get wet from every type of porn because it's a defense mechanism against rape.

*yes, that is an inelegant term.

 

 

> You rip off his rags and feel his strange warm orfice. You turn to Akela. He nods.

In case you thought Akela was cute.

 

 

> Shaking as much as your prey, you take out your already large bone bulge and thrust into him.

Probably not the first place a ten-year-old would go, especially if they haven't been a victim themselves, but not impossible. What is impossible is the huge cock on the shota.

 

 

> After only three strokes you come. Your prey is catatonic.

That is thoroughly unpleasant and I don't know how I expected people to like this character after this. Still, let's continue on.

 

 

> 4\. You didn’t learn about sex from some machine but from nature itself.

The machine being Learning Booths.

 

 

> You observed beasts mating and you practiced those techniques on any lowblood you could find.

Don't let your kids watch animal documentaries. Or watch “Lady Chatterly's Lover”.

 

 

> You don’t always have to force them. Sometimes they offer themselves up under the misguided belief that you’ll show mercy to them or their allies.

That's still not consent.

 

 

> One offered herself up out of lust but found you too much.

Was it Princess Rapist? I never say. She's just some random chick whose probably older than him.

 

 

> One time you impaled yourself on a confused yellowblood’s handsome bone bulge but found it not to your liking.

I'm implying that this was one of Lupine's many rapes. Would trolls have the same hierarchy of penetrator over penetrated? I wrote a fic, Engulfed, where it's the opposite.

 

 

> You have more experience than your lover, and yet he teaches you so much.

Animals aren't very kinky.

 

 

> 5\. You didn’t know about oral sex until Equius put his broken teeth on your bone bulge.

Do trolls have oral sex? Fandom varies though most say yes because Rule of Sexy.

 

 

> You pushed him off and he whinnied at you that he was just trying to perform fellatio.

It's unlikely though they have the word “fellatio”.

 

 

> You allowed the nooksniffer to perform. You discovered it’s not much different from your own private cleanings but it feels much better.

Among Lupine's other perversions is auto-fellatio.

 

 

> He can go down further on your shaft and he can get his tongue in your nook and waste chute.

At the same time?

 

 

> His sharp teeth don’t bother you; you love to feel them on your tough sheath.

I don't think I've mentioned sheathes yet in this series.

 

 

> You never reciprocate and he never asks you.

Awfully patriarchal of them. Again, would trolls have such norms?

 

 

> 6\. Equius has tons of equipment for everything and sex is no exception. Even as a virgin he stocked many decorative pails. His hive is armed with a wide variety of painful whips, crops, and paddles. He has built terrifying vibrating machines and devices. He constructed powerful constraints for himself. You scoffed at all these items at first, but now you can’t live without them.

It does seem canon that Equius would have tons of sex equipment while saying “no sex until [troll] marriage”.

 

 

> 7\. Equius’ body is a new experience before. You have had only one willing partner before and she couldn’t take you.

Did he stop when she said she couldn't take it? Probably not.

 

 

> He can take you and more. He exhausts you sometimes. Unlike your victims, he gives completely into the pleasure.

No “body betraying”.

 

 

> His body vibrates under you. His faces twists into a smile. It is delicious.

 

 

> He was the first person you ever wanted to pleasure. Before you mated with him you actually wondered if he could take it and you howled in delight when he did take it to the hilt. He is your first real lover.

Consensual sex: slightly more fun than rape.

 

 

> 8\. Equius is stronger than you most of time. Most of the time you only overpower him due to his overpowering lust for you. You love to overpower and you love overpowering him. You love inflicting pain and he loves taking it. Still, there are times when you want him to push back. One time you forced yourself onto his bone bulge. He came only reluctantly, you didn’t come at all. It was an uncomfortable but necessary experience.

We later see this time.

 

 

> 9\. Your’s and Equius’ bodies are at the top of their form.

I didn't need to put possessive apostrophes on “your”.

 

 

> You are FUCKING STRONG. Though you consider yourself better toned, you love admiring your kismesis’ body. He returns the favor. He worships your bone bulge, which nears the unrealistic sizes of his art.

Here is one of Equius' musclebeast art:

Keep in mind this isn't a verse where bone bulges are tucked away until use. How the fuck do you near that while wearing short pants?

 

 

> He calls it a masterpiece. You secretly think his bone bulge is a nice piece of meat. It rivals the one that yellowblood had, the only one you had ever demeaned worthy of being inside you. You would never tell him this. You wouldn’t want him to get a big head.

Damn, already posted “This is a giant cock”.

 

 

> 10\. Would you two still be together if it weren’t for the great sex? If you couldn’t mate you’d be culled, so it’s a moot point.

Most fanon kismesisitudes come down to rough sex.

Next chapter:

 

 

> **Top Ten Things You Hate About Him**

I wonder what the troll version of that movie is called.

This chapter is a graph. There's a giant space but instead of fixing it I apologized for it. I should find a way to fix it.

I'll alternate between Lupine's reasons and Equius'.

 

 

> 10\. Your smile causes fearful shivers. His smile causes mocking laughter. He just looks so fucking goofy. With his missing and broken teeth he looks like someone punched him stupid. Any attempts to punch him back to normal fails.

Troll teeth do grow back but Equius probably just loses them again immediately.

 

 

> 10\. He thinks his eyes look fierce, but those dark lashes look awfully effeminate. You could stand that, but when he’s sad, he seriously gets puppy eyes. If you point this out to him, it just gets worse.

 

 

 

> 9\. It goes without saying, but Equius sweats. A lot. He has to be toweled off constantly during sex or he slips around too much. You even hate the towels he uses. A blueblood warrior shouldn’t wrap themselves in fluffy white cotton. You don’t really care about the smell. Well, maybe a little, but that’s another story.

Sometimes Equius wipes himself with movie poster printed towels. I don't know how Vriska let him get away with that.

 

Equius saying he needs towels is a cliché. In canon, he thinks he's hiding his sweat problem until he accidentally reveals it in a memo.

 

 

>  9. Lupine tramps around in the filth of the outdoors and then brings it into your hive. You have furiously clean everything whenever he visits. If you hadn’t seen his dachives you would think he had never heard of a bath tub. He does seem to think ponds are a good substitute when they just make him scummy. He mates with you smelling like a wild animal and only afterwards showers. You can’t say it doesn’t arouse you despite yourself.

Someone find a video of Eva telling Naked Snake he tastes like an animal. You'd think it would be easier to find.

 

 

>  8. Equius’ sweat doesn’t stink as much as it could. He says it’s because he doesn’t eat all that disgusting meat.

 I say this all the time in fics but is it true? I've never had sex with a vegetarian. I rarely eat meat and I like the way I smell but I try not to smell at all. I suppose a bean-heavy diet cancels out the benefits of no meat sweats.

 

 

> Instead he eats disgusting vegetarian food. It’s so unnatural and so unbecoming in a blueblood. He could kill any animal he wants, but instead he buys weird glop off of some lowblood and stinks up the kitchen with it.

For all the vegetarianism in my fics, there's plenty of people going “gross” to vegetarian food.

 

 

>  He says beasts should be treated with respect. You say beasts should be treated with barbeque sauce.

There's probably a redneck bumper sticker saying that. Men who are macho about meat are so annoying. It's one thing if you've killed the animal yourself but ordering a hamburger at Arby's isn't impressive.

 

 

> 8.You have come to accept Nepeta’s hunting. She only hunts what she needs and her constitution demands meat. Lupine hunts for pleasure. He kills majestic beasts just because he can. Sometimes he doesn’t even nibble what he kills.

Sometimes he _fucks_ what he kills.

 

 

> You are sure his constitution could stand a vegetarian or at least low-meat diet. He won’t even try.

Judging by Terezi knowing what fruit tastes like trolls aren't 100% carnivores but we don't know if they can live without meat or not. I think in one fic I'll have Equius be a vegetarian in the sense that he doesn't eat “glorious fauna” but he will eat bugs and fish. That's probably more realistic than no meat at all.

 

 

>  7. Equius still drinks the feeding fluid his lusus’ supplies. At least he doesn’t suck on the udders of the hoofbeast but instead uses a milking machine. It’s still disgusting. As if to make up for his pupa-like behavior, he makes his lusus serve under him. They are suppose to be guardians, not butlers! You do think Aurthor is pretty cool though, for an herbivore.

My headcanon is all lusii have milk but Equius is the only troll gross enough to still drink it. In his introduction, it says he believes it makes him STRONG because that's better than being a freak.

 Ironically with all my Zahhak love, I can't stand plain dairy milk. I always buy plant milk. I'm not a vegan, just sensitive to the smell.

 

 

>  7. Akela is to blame for Lupine’s bad upbringing. The canine didn’t herded him back to the respectable lawn rings but rather encouraged his wild behavior.

Earlier we saw Akela encourage Lupine to rape so Equius isn't being prissy.

 

 

>  Lupine doesn’t have an appropriate relationship with his lusus. They are suppose to be guardians, not cohorts!

 Or butlers.

 

 

> During those rare times when Akela enters your hive, you try to stare down those three eyes. You fail.

I really should have made art of Akela and his three eyes.

 

 

> 6\. You spend a lot of time at Equius’ hive but you are still a little scared of robots. You hate that they look like living creatures but smell like dead metal. At times you seeing things that look like trolls and you ready to attack but it turns out to be just a droid and you stand down. Then it moves and you do attack. Robots are uncanny.

 This is how I feel about store mannequins, except I don't attack them.

 

 

> 6\. You once visited one of Lupine’s dachives. It was filled with so many dead things you felt like vomiting.

He uses antlers in all of his decoraaaaating!

 

 

> The outside wanted to make you vomit too. Too much ornamentation. Form should follow function!

How is Lupine doing all of this elaborate wood-work?

I might start posting pictures of pretty dachas here but I already post too many pictures.

 

 

> **5.** Equius after many tries can finally shoot an arrow. He sucks at it. He can’t even hit a target from five feet away.

In “Now Let Thy Motherfucker Go In Peace”, Equius has learned archery enough to be in the archeradicators but only just barely.

 

 

>  His eyes are bad from nights and days of squinting at electronic things while wearing dark glasses.

I imagine Equius has some angst about wearing shades since it's likely subversive but he also hates having his eyes hurt.

 

 

> Still, he sees himself as an archer at heart. He still uses that stupid arrow sign. He should use a broken bow sign. He goes around breaking bows like it was a fetish. It breaks your heart to see a weapon destroyed.

Canonly, it _is_ a fetish of his, though probably in the sense that popping bubble wrap is a fetish.

 

 

> 5\. Lupine loves nature but he doesn’t love paintings of nature. Sometimes he even rips up your canvases. You take this as a natural part of kismesisitude and you’ve hidden your more treasured works, but it still makes you sad to see a highblood not appreciate art.

Equius doesn't seem to mind Aradia destroying a piece of art when she throws his bath tub through the wall but who can object to anything Our Burgundy Goddess does?

 

 

> He doesn’t understand the stylization and just calls the musclebeasts unrealistic and crappy-looking.

We never do get to see a real musclebeast in canon. Maybe you'll have to defeat one in Hiveswap? Nah, the censoring would be too difficult.

 

 

> When pressed, he says if he wanted to see a perfect male form, he’d just look at you naked.
> 
> How infuriating!

Awww...

Musclebeasts are hermaphrodites according to Kanaya, which is ironic since fanon calls trolls that.

 

 

> 4\. Equius is ignorant of what goes on outside his door. He doesn’t know how to survive in the wilderness. You saw this first hand when you stalked him in forest. You actually had to secretly help him out (he wouldn’t eat the meat you left out for him so you had to rustle up some nuts and berries). If you hadn’t, the nerd might have died. How could he love pictures of nature but not nature itself?

That is a cute and funny image. Equius wandering around like he's in the troll Blair Witch Project and his kismesis saving his life with food.

 

 

> 4\. The great technology of troll civilization are beyond that oaf. He didn’t even have a husktop until you started dating, and he commandeered that withered thing off of a lowblood. You had to set up internet accounts for him as well as finally fix his schoolfeeding booth. He is still uneducated in many matters and refuses to learn. If he can’t figure it out right away, he quits. The coward is still a bit spooked by anything automatic. Technology is your passion and his hatred. 

This is ironic given that Gamzee said he couldn't be with Equius because he doesn't know technology. Yet not sharing a major interest can be compensated for with major sex. It is a good sign in their relationship that Equius has improved Lupine these ways.

 

 

> **3.** Equius has to spend all night doing something. He spends all night stomping around and banging on robots and making all sorts of noise. Worse off, he often trips over you! He makes you nervous watching him. He never relaxes. You try to fuck that nervous energy out of him. Yet even after an all-dayer you find him crawling out of the block to build some doo-dad. When will that troll just relax?

I'm imagining Equius literally crawling to the lab, croaking out “I got to build one more robot before I sleeeeeep zzzzzzzz”.

 

 

> 3\. Lupine is perfectly fine spending all night loafing about. He takes a nap, wanders about, and then takes another nap. Worse off, he often lies down right where you’re walking!

Note that earlier Lupine complained Equius trips over him. Turns out that's because Lupine lies down in high-traffic areas because he's a goddamn dog. (Cats are also guilty of this)

 

 

> He acts as though he has no energy. You know that isn’t true. He can go into a frenzy of activity when he wants to. He can hunt all night and mate all day. Yet even during those day sometimes his bone bulge is lazy, refusing to get fully erect!

Lupine isn't as much undersexed as Equius is even more oversexed than him.

 

 

> Plus he doesn’t finish his taxidermy projects.

First you hate the trophies, now you complain he doesn't make enough. Make up your mind! (Though I think that was my joke.)

 

 

> 2\. Equius is a submissive and that both infuriates and thrills you. You don’t think a blueblood should act the way he does. You don’t even think a lowblood should act the way he does. You are used to reluctant and sarcastic submission. His fawning submission disgusts you.

Given everyone's reaction to Equius, maybe his fawning submission isn't the norm and trolls don't just simply act reluctant and sarcastic but are expected to act that way. Trolls might see Kif Krocker from “Futurama” as the perfect subordinate.

 

 

> You know he acts that way to any landtroll with higher blood and that angers you.

Or to lowbloods or mutants or aliens with cool swords or basically everyone but Eridan.

 

 

> You want to earn his respect. That doesn’t mean you don’t take his submission.

And by submission Lupine means sex.

 

 

> 2\. You should be used to upper class trolls having no class. Vriska flarps about,

Get it?

 

 

> Gamzee is a pathetic junkie,

He cleans up nice.

 

 

> and the less said about Eridan the better.

Other than Equius' “land is at war with sea” excuse, what exactly does Equius not like about Eridan?

 

 

> Still, Lupine’s misbehavior gets to you. You think it’s because he is so similar to you. His blood is only a degree different from yours.

Since we're on this bullshit degree system.

 

 

> He is like you, if you just let yourself go and let all those foal words stampede out of your protein chute.

Later Equius merged with a potty mouth computer. But that's in canon.

Finishing up this countdown...

 

 

> 1\. Equius is a prissy little nerd. He’s a douchebag, a complete nookstain. He’s a shitty ass excuse for a blueblood. But he is your shitty ass excuse for a blueblood. You hadn’t even been hunting for a kismesis but you landed one with him. He’s taken over your life. He reins you in and treats you like a bad dog and you love it so much you hate it.

That is romantic, in a weird way (though all healthy kismesisitude could be described that way).

 

 

> 1\. Lupine is perfect. He has a disgusting personality and a weak mind but he is perfect. You often find yourself staring his godly form until he talks and ruins the illusion. He is your master and you must submit to him but sometimes it’s much too much. He’s taken over your life. You wished and prayed for the perfect black lover and this is the love you got.

Now this is creepy. Just seems like Equius is dazzled by the sex.

Still, the list shows their relationship isn't simply them loathing everything about each other but rather they admire and respect some things while being infuriated that the other doesn't live up to their full potential (at least the potential in their opinion).

 The next chapters have a different format. They're scenes from Equius and Lupine's relationship, some which have already been mentioned. I'll go over them next chapter.

 


	22. Revisiting "Hungry Like the Wolf" - Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapters 6-12 of Hungry Like the Wolf reviewed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: romanticized abuse, along with emetophobia (of course)

Warning: contains romanticized rape! Plus everyone's like fourteen years old.

Chapter 6:

 

> **What Happened at the Other End**

See chapter 14 of My Motherfucking Best Friend for context.

 

> You are awaken from your nap by the sound of Equius’ heavy breathing.

Equius is probably always breathing heavily.

 

> You get up from your special rug and go over to his desk.

Lupine has a special rug? That's so cute.

 

> You look over his shoulder and see he’s playing that Trollian game.

Lupine has an old people understanding of what's a computer game and what isn't. (Note: I am not old people)

I once read an erotic story in Playgirl where the protag uses an “email program” to write erotica and her stories disappear and she needs the help of a hot IT guy. Was the protag emailing her stories to herself or did the author think all software was email?

 

> The other player is a blueblood.

I guess I made Lupine not able to tell the difference between blue and purple because he's a dog? Gamzee's color is obviously not blue.

 

> Jealousy quickly rises in you.

Show not tell.

 

> “What the FUCK is göing ön?” you ask.

He talks in umlauts not because he's METAL but because he pronounces his O's as a howl, plus a ö is three dots. I'm sorry if it's annoying.

 

> He doesn’t look at you as he says, “Just a little talk…with an old friend…I have it under control.”
> 
> “Have what under cöntröl?”
> 
> “He…flirted with me a little. But I turned him down!”

The old friend is Gamzee. At this point, Gamzee has threatened to kill Aradia and Lupine, Equius told Gamzee if he does Equius will kill him, and Karkat's stepped in to apologize for his moirail. Things are a clusterfuck.

 

> You read a portion of the log and go into a rage. That asshole hit on your asshole!

Gamzee said he wanted to kill Equius and that's flirting for trolls.

 

> You grab the husktop and run over to the rug with it. You sit down and start typing. With your kismesis looking over your shoulder, you have the conversation as seen in “My Motherfucking Best Friend”.

The “Trollian game” means we're in the limited perspective of a limited mind but here the narrative knows about another fic.

Anyway, in MMFBF, first Lupine and Karkat talk (first under Equius and Gamzee's handles) and Karkat convinces Lupine not to take revenge and then (under their own handles again) Equius and Gamzee make up.

 

> After Equius signs off,[...]

If you don't know or have forgotten the two switched off, this seems like a mistake. Even given this is a spin-off of MMFBF, I should have given more context.

 

> […] you pick up his husktop and throw it against the wall.

That is abusive behavior, though it might not be seen that way in troll romance.

 

> He groans in annoyance but he’s not too upset.

Lupine should be able to _guess_ Equius isn't too upset but he shouldn't know for sure.

 

> After all, he has more where that came from.

We don't see Equius destroy any computers in canon (surprisingly enough) but it wouldn't be out of the question that he'd do that sometimes.

 

> Instead, he turns to you with an sheepish look.

The sheepish instead of angry look shows rather than tells.

 

> “Sir, please understand,” he begs, “As I told him, I was interested in Makara when we were…”

It is scary that Equius has to beg for Lupine to understand him. I don't think I can file that one under “black romance how does it work”.

 

> You pull him up from his seated position by his hair.

That sounds painful. Still, this could be “roughhousing” if it wasn't out of jealous rage.

 

> You growl in his face, “What döes this guy löök like, huh?”

 

> Your lover’s snaggletooth jaw moves up and down as he tries to find the right words.

So Equius is just flapping his jaw.

 

> “Well…he’s tall…but he’s skinny! Very clumsy and awkward sir, not like you!”

It's funny how almost the entire fandom decided Gamzee looks like Shaggy.

 

> “Is that suppöse tö make me feel better?”

You asked, dickweed.

 

> His voice grows more confident. “Yes, he doesn’t compare to you, sir! You are certainly more

Actually, I'd rather have sex with Gamzee than Lupine.

 

> This doesn’t comfort you.

As seen by your next action.

 

> With your free hand you grab his crotch and almost start fingering him through his heavy shorts.

Fingering? More like grabbing his package, since in this series troll dicks are always out. Equius always gets drawn with such a nice package, though luckily he's also always drawn as thirty years old.

 

> “And yet you still göt wet för that löser, huh?”

Equius gets wet at everything.

 

> Your lover grunts as he tries to fight off his arousal.

We all KNOW Equius is aroused at this point but the narration should pretend otherwise.

 

> “Explain yöurself! What did he dö tö turn yöu ön? Was it cömputer sex?”

You were there, Lupine.

 

> “I…can’t…urrrggg…”

This reminds me of when Aradiabot lifted Equius up in the air while demanding answers. I used to think Equius was lifting himself in the air. I don't know why.

 

> You take your paws off him.

Beclaws he's a dog, right? Plenty of fans draw trolls with actual paws.

 

> He catches his breath and then scowls at you.

Equius, you should punch him.

 

> “It is to be EX-spected that you would find evidence of arousal whenever you…so roughly grab me,” he says.

Equius' % typing quirk becomes capitalized EX in this series. Though given he calls doublecross %% implies it's an intentional affectation and not an accent like Eridan's WWs. The webcomic is surreal enough that possibly everyone is literally talking in text.

Lupine should EX-pect Equius to be wet at all times. It's Equius' thing.

 

> “LIAR! You were randy beföre! Dö yöu think I’m an idiöt?”
> 
> “Of course I do, we are kis…”

Just because you are kismesises doesn't mean you should think the other is an idiot. Lupine IS an idiot though.

 

> “I can smell yöur aröusal from a mile away, löver.” You start sniffing him. It does smell so good and it’s turning you on a bit. “It’s my FUCKING pröperty.”

The arousal is his property? Don't think you can own that.

 

> Equius rears his head back with a whinny.

Because he's a horse, of horse!

 

> “I wasn’t aroused by him, per se, it was his words. He can be quite clever...”

He did participate in the Greatest Rap-Off in Paradox Space. I'd like to read that but it would be impossible to write. It was probably very erotic but Dave didn't catch on.

 

> “And you think I’m nöt clever?”
> 
> Silence hangs in the air between you. Even you have to admit you aren’t the swiftest dog in the pack.

Shouldn't it be wolf? Though nobody uses “swiftest wolf in the pack” either.

 

> You retort, “But still, umm, SHUT UP!”

Lupine: I retört!

DM: No one has said anything. Who are you retorting?

Lupine: I retört the silence!

 

> You walk over to the broken husktop and throw it at a robot.

What do broken husktops look like given that they appear to be organic?

 

> “Stupid technölögy making my böyfriend cheat ön me, flirting with söme indigöblööd…” you grumble.

Is the word “boyfriend” (and girlfriend) used for all quadrants? Aradia<3Sollux shippers point to the Vriska calling Sollux Aradia's boyfriend means they're flush and while I agree now they're flush I don't think that's ironclad proof. I imagine though that boyfriend/girlfriend aren't popular terms since they're so vague.

 

> Your blatant disrespect for technology seems to trigger something in Equius.

Remembering to say “seems” is good but this line is unnecessary.

 

> “One,” he says, “I was not flirting with him, he flirted with me and I turned him down, and two, you yourself aren’t that faithful.”
> 
> You whip your head around, “What dö yöu mean by that?”
> 
> “You…” he stammers but gains his confidence, “you continue to rape any lowblud you fancy!”
> 
> “But I dön’t flirt with them first!”

Equius isn't angry at the rape of lowbloods (or lowbluds with his accent) but by Lupine raping people other than Equius.

 

> Equius looks down at the ground.
> 
> “I used to…flirt with him…or at least a pathetic wriggler’s attempt at flirting.

Equius' canon flirting is a mix of black and pale.

 

> I was very desperate back then, but luckily I met you.”
> 
> You replied, “You bet yöur ASS yöu’re lucky.”

Given how abusive Lupine is in this scene Equius is not lucky. But it all leads to hot sex.

 

> With that you jump him and push him to the ground. He lets you, like always.

That submission isn't black. In their relationship's defense, Lupine does later call Equius out on this tendency.

 

> You start kissing him furiously. Between kisses you talk to him.
> 
> “He can’t dö what I dö för yöu, right?” you ask him.
> 
> “No sir!” he spits out.

Typing and light-filing? Oh, sex.

I use the saidism “spit” too much.

 

> “He can’t döminate you like I can, right?”
> 
> “No sir!”

Gamzee has shown he can dominate in a relationship if by dominate you mean abuse.

 

> “He isn’t as incredibly hung as I am…right?”
> 
> “Don’t know…I mean, no sir!”
> 
> “That’s right.”

Leading question there.

 

> Equius’ arousal returns. He thrust up against you. But he’s barking at the wrong tree this evening. You don’t really feel like having sex. You already feel tired out from this and want to go back to taking a nap.

A five-minute conversation then a nap.

 

> You get up off of him and sit in his chair. Equius props himself up.
> 
> “Sir?” he asks with a tremble in his voice.

A tremble. Equius is scared of Lupine. That's not good.

 

> “Too FUCKING early for this SHIT,” you grumble as you start to unlace your boots.

Karkat and Gamzee trolled Equius the first thing in the evening in MMFBF.

 

> He stares at you expectantly as you take off your boots and socks. You throw them in the corner and then slouch in the chair. With a sly grin you wriggle your toes and motion for him to come. He crawls over to you. He knows what to do. He gives a goofy smile as he starts to lick and suck your feet.

I had thought I hadn't done any foot play scenes until I wrote “Clown Feet” but I forgot about this scene. It is short though.

 

> It’s really for his benefit that you let him do this. Your feet are so tough and callused you can barely feel his soft tongue. But he really gets off on the depravity of being forced to taste your filthy feet. He is getting sweat on your feet and his bone bulge is threatening to destroy his shorts. Though you love seeing him squirm, you want him to feel pleasure.

This is the extent of the foot job scene. I never say how big Lupine's feet are. Maybe they are ironically small.

 

> You tell him, “This time yöu can jack yöurself öff.”
> 
> Equius unzips himself. You yawn and close your eyes only to open them.
> 
> “Just dön’t pail,” you add.

And orgasm-denial!

 

> You go to sleep. When you walk up, you finally fuck him, but in an almost tender fashion. You want him to know where his pleasure comes from.

Tender black sex is wonderful.

 

> You want him to know the internet can’t do the things you can do to him.

It can come close.

 

> The combination of technology and highbloods made you feel so insecure, but now you know he is yours forever.

Until the next time anyone flirts with Equius. (unless they're Eridan)

Basically in this chapter Lupine is jealous to the point of abusiveness. It's not as bad as the next chapter.

Chapter Unlucky 7:

 

> **Virginity**

This is the rape scene we've been leading up to. Sorry about all this.

The chapters from now on are in bold but I'll ignore that.

 

> From your position on the moors you can see Aradia’s hive.

This is Equius' POV. Lupine wouldn't know this is Aradia's hive.

 

> You are still unsure of how you feel about her. However, it is not for her that you’ve come here.

Though it is convenient this is happening outside her hive.

 

> You turn around and you see Lupine Durand a few yards away. How long has he been there? Why didn’t you see him before?

Maybe you should stop wearing your sunglasses at night.

Equius' Void powers should make this the reverse, though they wouldn't pop up in a Non-Game AU. I still used them in “Big Bright Beautiful Star”. I'd go into the scene but it would be a spoiler.

 

> He crosses his arms and gives you a look that dares you to come to him. You do so with your head slightly bowed. He sneers.
> 
> “Hey, yöu,” he calls out, “Finally föund me?”

Equius: I haven't. Could you tell me where you are?

 

> You say to him, “We need to talk.”
> 
> “Böut what?”
> 
> “About us.”

Maybe I meant this as a call-back to Seek the Highb100d but there Equius' line was “We really should talk” and Gamzee replied “you really should kneel”. (I also found out while looking that up that Equius calls Nic Cage “incredibly attractive”.)

 

> His eyes go wide for a second.

Sounds like it might be difficult for Equius to tell that from a few yards away.

 

> You say, “I think I have certain feelings for you…feelings that aren’t of the ashen nature. I would like to confess these feelings to you…on this night.”
> 
> “Spit it öut!”

Equius is telling you!

 

> You find the courage to look him in the eye.

But Equius was already looking at Lupine's eyes!

 

> “Sir,” you say, “I am waxing obsidian for you.”

Eridan uses the term “waxing obsidian” while talking to Jade. That's the only use I've found but there's no reason that term isn't popular.

 

> He answers, “FUCKING scöre!”
> 
> “Sir…Sir! Don’t mock my feelings...please, sir.”

Lupine isn't mocking Equius' feelings.

 

> “Shut up, asshöle, I’m trying tö tell yöu I hate yöur guts tooo!”

Black romance isn't simply hating someone's guts.

On a quirk point: when Lupine is saying a double O, instead of umlauts he adds an extra O. Maybe I should have done that whenever he uses any O. Would that be more or less annoying?

 

> You smile.

Excluding when he was proto-typed with Lil Hal, which comes much too late for this fic, Equius has smiled talking to Nepeta and when he was killed.

 

> “Really, sir? Oh you rude brute, let us embrace!”

If 4chan was still paying attention to this fic, they'd have put this on their list of bad quotes. It feels a little too much for Equius.

 

> “Embrace, huh?”
> 
> You both step towards each other.

Given you two are yards away, you need more than a few steps.

 

> He pulls you in and sinks his claws into your back. This is more than you expected from your first hug.

What were you expecting? A Bro Side-Hug?

 

> “Lupine?”
> 
> “Shut up and start biting.”

So Equius bite off Lupine's head.

 

> He does start biting your neck. You are not comfortable with this.

Could show some signs he's uncomfortable instead of announcing it in the narration awkwardly.

 

> You moan, “This is just too much, I just don’t think we…”

Like this. Equius has clearly told Lupine he feels uncomfortable.

(I really shouldn't have characters moan complete sentences)

 

> He shuts you up with a kiss. You give in and make out.

Shutting him up with a kiss is obnoxious. Why is Equius giving in?

 

> Both your shirts get soaked in sweat. You leave serious bruises on his arm and he slices up your back.

Oh the declared passion.

 

> After ten minutes he pulls back and says,
> 
> “Dön’t think I’ll be satisfied with just heavy petting. I’m hungry tönight.”

Lupine could stand waiting ten minutes?

 

> He unbuttons his pants and his beastly bone bulge springs out from under his loincloth.

Probably made a hentai “spring” noise when it did.

I was thinking he wore a fundoshi. However, it would be in character for him to go commando.

 

> You stare at it.
> 
> “Hey, mörön,” he barks, “I didn’t take this öut för walkies. Bend över!”

This is like “Requiem for a Dream” where the evil pimp says he didn't bring his dick out for air.

 

> Your eyes shoot to his face.

Peew peew.

 

> “Neigh, sir.”

Equius is embarrassed to use horse puns but it's not like someone could tell between “nay” and “neigh”.

 

> “You can’t say nö tö me, I’m a bluebloood! And didn’t yöu say I was higher than yöu?”
> 
> “There are still things that are too lüd to ask for.”
> 
> “But we’re kismesis! What’s wröng with FUCKING?”
> 
> “This is neither the time nor the place!”

And Lupine accepts his new lover's boundaries ha ha no he doesn't.

 

> Lupine unwraps the leather bands around his arms, lassos your leg, and pulls it sharply making you lose balance.

That sounds hard to do, especially that quick.

 

> When you fall he pounces you and you both slide into a depression.

Depression in this case meaning a dip in the land, not a depression from this horrible scene. 

 

> He pins you down.

This came before Meenah/Vriska and after “The Lion King”.

 

> “I’m making it the right time and place,” he snarls.

That's a long sentence to snarl.

 

> He is on top of you but you can easily push him off with your superior strength. You should push him off. It is too early to consummate your relationship and in this place anyone could come and see. But you are too aroused and your feelings get in the way.

So Equius could stop this at any moment but he's too distracted by the sexy. Lupine is still violating Equius' boundaries.

 

> You hate him even more now for making you participate in such depravity.

Rape shouldn't be a reason you're waxing for someone but a deal-breaker.

 

> You lie as still as you can.
> 
> “That’s better,” he says.

Lupine seems to be taking Equius' inaction as consent, though it really isn't.

 

> He sits up and shreds off your wet shorts and underwear.

So Equius was wearing tear-off clothes?

 

> Your seedflap is wet and engorged and your bone bulge points skyward.

Equius is aroused but that's not consent.

 

> “Oh GÖD,” he growls.

Lupine: Oooh Goood.

You can't growl a sentence with no Rs.

 

> He starts shaking himself.

Just like his first rape when he was 10.8 years old.

 

> He grabs his bone bulge and carefully forces the head into your nook.

You can't carefully force something.

People have criticized sentences like “Character A entered Character B” but it's more romantic than “Character A put their penis/etc. in Character B's butt/vagina/etc.

 

> He slowly inserts it, stopping every time he gets to a rough patch.

Does Equius have sandpaper in this nook?

 

> As gentle as he is you still grit your teeth.

Lupine is forcing his bone bulge in with no foreplay, so it isn't gentle.

 

> Finally he is in to the hilt.

“To the hilt” is an odd expression if you think of it since dicks don't have hilts. However, these trolls don't have balls so Lupine can't be balls-deep. With Lupine's gag dick, he might not be able to put it all in. At least with tentacles you can double-back.

 

> He tilts his head back and howls triumphantly.

Aradia should be hearing them now.

 

> He then starts thrusting madly into you.

In this series, bone bulges are hard, but can you thrust the fanon tentacles?

 

> The head bangs against the bottom of your nook causing a throbbing pain.

Bottoming out is usually more painful than throbbing, though who knows if trolls have cervices to hit?

 

> Your seedflap is rubbed raw.

Seedflap being the equivalent of labia. As I said before, seedflaps have been described as flapping so trolls must have some mighty beef curtains.

 

> All gentleness is gone.

You can't really have gentle rape.

 

> He is using all his strength now and your strength leaves you. You can barely make yourself grab him.

Convenient that Equius' weakness is rape. What would this scene be like if Equius was female?

 

> Instead he tears at you with his sharp nails.

Usually in works trolls have sharp nails, though that doesn't stop fingering.

 

> He howls and growls and you grunt and hiss.

Aradia really _really_ should be hearing this.

 

> His steady rhythm gets to you.

“Thrusting madly” suggests shitty rhythm.

 

> Soon you near the breaking point.

So you kill him the end.

 

> Your glasses have slide off, leaving you with no mask to hide your panic.

Equius can look panicked while wearing glasses.

 

> You don’t know what to do. How do concupiscent partners inform each other that they need to use the pail?

Say they need a pail?

 

> Did either of them even have a pail?

Shouldn't Equius know if he has a pail? Why would he bring one if he thought they wouldn't have sex?

 

> “Pail…” you croak out, “Pail!”
> 
> “Dön’t have öne,” he replies.

Plus it's Fanfictionland.

 

> You can’t take it anymore. Blue genetic material gushes from your stimulated nook.

In this series, whether you come from your bulge or come from your nook depends on which on is more stimulated. Rather complicated.

 

> He just pushes it back in with his bone bulge. The fullness in your nook is uncomfortable.

That's a design flaw.

 

> “I came,” you moan, “I already came.”
> 
> “Tooo bad.”

Equius is trying to tell Lupine to finished up quick but again Lupine isn't listening.

 

> He doesn’t stop making hate to you.

“Making hate” doesn't appear in the canon but the characters are generally not that explicit. A popular fanon inversion is “making pity”.

 

> He’s not close to finishing and you know when he finishes he’ll use you as a pail. How primitive. How exquisitely primitive.

Luckily all this Equius' kink. And most everyone's kink in Fanfictionland.

 

> The pain starts to turn into a high. You feel lightheaded and dizzy. Everything is so beautiful.

This was Equius' reaction to _dying_ , so this isn't OOC.

 

> You are with your true love and you hate him so much.

“Love” is an odd word to use for kismesises, but it could be argued that black is just another type of love. There isn't any love in this rape scene though.

 

> Eventually Lupine comes inside of you with a long howl.

I think at this point _Sollux_ can hear.

 

> Your genetic material mixes together in your nook. He pulls out of you and your seedflap reflexively closes.

Seedflaps close? Like Venus Flytraps??

 

> He shivers and looks down at himself.
> 
> “Öh SHIT,” he moans, “I’m still HARD.”

That's very unlikely, though I won't say impossible.

 

> He pries open your nook again with his hand and then starts again.

Why didn't he have to pry open the nook the first time?

 

> You can’t believe it. He’s a machine.

No, that's your _other_ romantic interest (in another universe).

 

> The second time is no softer than the first time. It lasts longer and half way through you start feeling concupiscent pleasure again. Until then you had just been riding on the emotional high of being used. As he gets closer to orgasm, so do you. With a great roar you both come together.

I don't think defying the simultaneous orgasm trope the first time justifies using it the second time.

I think _Feferi_ can hear at this point.

 

> Your shared genetic material, mixed with blood, spills out onto the ground.

Equius is bleeding like a fictional virgin (which he is).

 

> Your orgasms were so strong that a little trickles out of your bone bulge and there is a trace of it in his nook.

How can Equius tell what's happening with Lupine's nook?

 

> Lupine pulls out and you flop down boneless on the ground.

Equius was already on the ground.

 

> Several bones are actually broken and you are losing blood.

Given how long Vriska lasted with her arm blown off trolls are very hardy. Except for Eridan.

 

> Before you pass out, you think, “That was the shit.”

So “The shit” he went OOC. The rape certainly was shit.

The chapter ends there, but in the story Nightingale, we find out how Equius didn't die.

 

> Relationship

Another list chapter.

 

> 1\. You throw Equius’ cans of Irn-Bru* down the stairs one by one. It’s not much, especially given that he uses a machine to open all his cans, but it’s the little things that help in a relationship.

We go from “Lupine rapes Equius” to “Lupine pulls ineffectual pranks on Equius”.

 

> * Yes, trolls have Iron-Bru. What else would they drink when they’re hungover?

Irn-Bru (misspelled Iron-Bru here) is a real-life soda from Scotland. I drank it exclusively when I took a trip there decades ago. Irn-Bru contains 0.002% ammonium ferric citrate, hence the “Irn”. I guessed that would make it an exception for the soda-hating Equius. My later headcanon was soda was slightly alcoholic to trolls. I was mocked for this headcanon but it turned out to be canon. Eat it, haters.

 

> 2\. Neither you nor Equius would admit it, but Karkat is right about you guys.

You are gross.

 

> You do have a weird diagonal thing going.

I like Pale-Pitch so much I joined that team for HSWC 2014.

 

> There are STRONG elements of moirallegiance in your relationship.

This is Lupine's POV. Why is he capitalizing STRONG?

 

> Without meaning to, you temper each other. Equius’ nervousness and irritability has been mostly cured by finally getting the chance to submit to a powerful highblood.

I like Equius being cured by being a sub, though Lupine isn't the best dom.

 

> Your lust and cruelty has been mostly satiated by finding a willing partner.

_Mostly_ satiated by a _mostly_ willing partner.

 

> It’s not a perfect solution. He still breaks things, you still break trolls.

Breaking objects isn't the same as _breaking_ _people_.

 

> Still, it could be worse. It could be much worse.

Lupine rapes slightly less people than normal. Great.

In canon, Equius' rage (as opposed to his irritability) went away after his introduction.

 

> 3\. You spend much of your time at Equius’. Usually only moirails live together. It’s rare for matespirits to live together and unheard of for caliginous partners to share the same roof.

An idea never mentioned in canon but not impossible.

Note that I spelled “matesprit” right but I soon fail to do it again.

 

> But you don’t really live with him. You got your own places. You just drop in on him all the time because it annoys him. Plus, his hive is just nicer.

He's like Kramer if Kramer were an angry bigot...oh wait, Kramer is an angry bigot.

 

> 4\. Your relationship with Equius is pure of pity. There is no soft tenderness. Neither of you feel that pull of sadness in your vascular blood-pumping organ at the thought of each other’s defects.

Earlier, they were described as leaning to red romance!

 

> If someone collected the genetic material from your matings (instead of leaving the humiliating mess in Equius’ nook) […]

...that would be gross.

 

> […] and analyzed it, they would find only the black chemicals.

In MMFBF, Eridan claimed he could taste Gamzee's pity in his genetic material and Karkat said he couldn't. Science can detect it, but not tongues.

 

> Later, when a Spawning Overseer meets with you, he congratulates you on your purity.

I never went far enough with this story into adulthood and it's hard to imagine Lupine anywhere but Alternia.

 

> Then he looks Equius in the mouth, hoping his broken teeth aren’t congenial.

Looking a gift horse in the mouth.

I've heard the headcanon that Equius' freakish strength would be seen as a defect. That doesn't necessarily mean culling given he's a highblood.

 

> 5\. Because of you, Equius and Aradia became matesprites.

See? I misspelled it again.

 

> You stabilized their mobius double reacharound by becoming the focus of Equius’ hate and giving Aradia more reason to pity Equius.

“mobius double reacharound” is only used once in Act 5 and it refers to Sollux's computer virus. It doesn't mean a flip-flop romance. Equius/Aradia's problem in the canon might simply be Equius was flushed for Aradia and she was waxen for him without either of them switching. [add more?]

 

> You continue to help out their relationship. If it weren’t for you, they couldn’t have sex. You beat the strength out of him, so that he doesn’t hurt her.

That's why Aradiabot works better as a partner for Equius than live!Aradia. Aradiabot can cut out the middletroll.

 

> You wish you didn’t facilitate their relationship, but what can you do? Hurting her would ruin the game of kismesisitude. He would have to avenge her.

Lupine is more noble than Gamzee in this respect.

 

> Anyway, it’s one more thing you can hate him for.
> 
> This all becomes very ironic later.

Or it would be if I had gotten to that point in Lupine's story. I'll explain later.

 

> 6\. Equius’ moirail is jealous of all the time you spend with him. She never got to spend any face-to-face time with Equius before you started dating him and now she has even less.

Possibly the first time Nepeta met Equius was in LOLCAT. There's a lot of long-distance relationships (platonic and romantic) in Homestuck which is great because society tends to look down or devalue such things. Then again, there's Dirk/Jake, where their attempts to transfer their long-distance relationship to a face-to-face relationship ran into problems.

 

> She can’t come over when you’re there. Equius is too protective of Nepeta to allow that. Even though you and Aradia manage to be under the same roof without incident, it’s not the same with Nepeta. Tensions are higher.

Equius spending less time with Nepeta is a bad thing. Lupine isn't worth it.

 

> Besides, Equius points out, he likes being alone. A moirail should respect that. A kismesis doesn’t have to.

A kismesis should respect boundaries.

 

> 7\. Though it’s not like you announced it to them, the peasantbloods who live on your hunting grounds suspect that you have a kismesis.

What are trolls doing still living on Lupine's “hunting grounds”? What's so great about his forest that one would risk getting raped or killed or both? It's not like the peasantbloods are actual serfs tied to the land.

 

> Some of them figured out the identity of your lover.

How?

 

> They are overjoyed that someone has taken the marauding highblood off their hands. They speak of Equius Zahhak in worshipful terms. He is their savior.

Equius only lessens the mayhem. Earlier it was said Lupine still “breaks” trolls.

 

> Some of them even hope that he whips your ass back.

If only.

 

> 8\. Nepeta has never liked your relationship with Equius, but she was dead set against it in the beginning. She suspected that you were just using him to get closer to her. By hurting Equius, she thought you were trying to make her waxen for him.

That's a fair assumption. Nepeta/Lupine might possibly be a great kismesisitude if she didn't have taste.

 

> When she saw that you weren’t hurting Equius, besides from the beatings and rough sex, she cooled down.

Lupine _raped_ Equius. That is hurting him.

 

> She knew you would never pull such a dirty trick because you couldn’t think up any dirty tricks.

Doesn't take that much intelligence to kill Equius. Gamzee did it.

 

> Besides, you obviously don’t have any romantic feelings her.

I was going to show Lupine has “Stupid Sexy Leijon” feelings but I never got that far.

 

> 9\. Sometimes you wish you knew about all that technology stuff. Not because you find technology good in and of itself. It’s because if you were good at making robots, you could compete with Equius. You would build a good robot, he would have to build a better robot, you would build an even better robot, and so on. That rivalry is what kismesitude is made of.

For all the talk about how Lupine is perfect for Equius, this is a huge flaw in their relationship.

 

> Instead you hunt and he builds and your paths don’t cross. It makes you feel a little inadequate. Then you remember technology is for WEAK lowbloods and you grow more waxen for Equius.

My headcanon is the technical fields are seen as a lowblood thing. Perhaps lowblood psionics being made into literal technology damages its image. It might make it strange then Equius has a robotics hobby but it is only a hobby and he considers being a warrior his life goal. Beforus, not being a warrior civilization, would have different values.

 

> 10\. Even the least romantic troll knows that anyone who is destined to live is destined to love. They all believe they have partners in each quadrant and they pray that fate will bring them together.

This is canonical. The narrator himself says it in his epic romance exposition.

 

> Even you feel this way. Given how compatible you are, it’s like you were created for the express purposes of being shipped with Equius.

There are plenty of ways the two aren't compatible. Still, I had the narrative keep saying that as an embarrassed lampshade for daring to ship a canon character with an OC. In retrospect, I shouldn't have been so embarrassed. Lupine Durand is a full character and not at all a self-insert.

Next chapter:

 

> Sloppy Drunk

 

 

> Lupine finds a lowblood’s illicit still and drinks up the product. He then goes to your hive looking like a mess.

This is Equius POV and he couldn't have know Lupine's situation before Lupine even came to his hive. I should have let the story tell this information instead of saying it up front.

 

> “Are you okay, sir?” you ask when you open the door.
> 
> “I’m fine,” he replies as he pushes past you.
> 
> He stumbles into the middle of the block and looks around like he hasn’t been here before.

See? Here I show the effects of his intoxication, though I'm vague on how he looks like a mess.

 

> You walk over to him, head bowed as normal.

Why must Equius act so submissive?

 

> You ask, “Are you sure you’re okay?”
> 
> “GÖD, yeah, I feel great!”

Lupine: Gooood, yeah, I feel great!

At least he doesn't growl.

 

> He spins around and almost falls on you but he catches his balance by swinging his arm around your shoulder.

Slapstick is hard to do in text.

 

> His face is right up in yours. His breath stinks worse than normal.

I'm sure your breath doesn't smell good either, Equius.

 

> “Sir, did you eat anything…unusual?” you ask.

I could have left Lupine's behavior a mystery for a few lines, though the title gives it away.

 

> “Nah, I just ate meat and S-SHIT,” he slurs, “Cöme ön, let me kiss yöu.”
> 
> “Let you?”
> 
> He usually never asks.

On Alternia, alcohol makes people _more_ aware of consent.

 

> Whatever your answer would have been doesn’t matter, because he kisses you anyway.

Or maybe not.

 

> You take the time to try and figure out what his breath smells like. It reminds you of what Aurthor and Aradia use to clean your wounds. You push him away.
> 
> You cry, “Liquor? Where did you find such vile substance on our planet?”

Rubbing alcohol was just established to be on this planet, though it might be poisoned to keep people from drinking it. Act 6 revealed that trolls don't have alcohol. Soda is the closest equivalent. You'd think the Empire would ban soda on Alternia because virtually everyone is a minor but there don't seem to be any laws (other than keep your lawn maintained).

 

> He answers, “Löwblooods, I föund them, all aröund this metal vat, drinking from a jar, sö I decided tö try it. Tasted like herbs. Kind öf.”

The exposition in the front line is pointless because Lupine flat-out said what happened.

When my dad worked in Atlanta, a co-worker of his brought in a mason jar of moonshine. I can't remember if my dad drank any of it.

 

> You snort in disapproval, but you are relieved that he isn’t sick, he’s just extremely foolish.

I wouldn't say Lupine isn't sick.

 

> He takes the empty jar out of his sylladex and throws it at the wall.

Did Lupine drink an entire jar??

 

> “Wish yöu cöuld have drunk it with me,” he says sadly.
> 
> He lifts his head up to the ceiling.
> 
> “I was sooo looonely!” he howls.

If you drink alone, even once, you're automatically an alcoholic.

The above dialogue didn't need to be three lines.

 

> “Perhaps, if you had trolled me, I could have joined you.” You add, “Without partaking in any alcohol, of course.”

Do trolls have O'Douls?

 

> He put his arm around your shoulder again and leans into you.
> 
> “I löve yöu, man,” he whispers.
> 
> “I…I know that, sir, but shouldn’t you put it another way?”
> 
> “FUCK those fancy words, I löve yöu.”

This is like two super-straight dude-bros except they are pansexual aliens who have fucked each other many times.

Lupine is so drunk he's dropping his umlauts.

 

> He then starts whimpering.
> 
> “I löve yöu and we’re göing tö mature and I’ll never see yöu again.”

There's an MST3k running gag of drunk people (usually teenagers) saying sadly they're going to graduate and never see each other again. I don't know how accurate this cliché is.

 

> “We’ll at least see each other at the Great Spawning.”

And at no other time.

 

> He just buries his head into your shoulder. You put your arm around him awkwardly. This is entirely unacceptable behavior from a kismesis, but what could he do?

It should be “but what could you do?”.

 

> He pulls back. His puppy eyes are a little misty but thankfully he’s not actually crying.

 

 

> He barks, “Take öff yöur shirt and turn aröund.”

You can't bark something without an exclamation mark.

 

> You gladly do this. Finally, something you understand! Though you don’t really want to have sex with him when he’s in such a WEAK state. You wonder if he even can.

Do trolls get whiskey dick? Or rather, soda bone bulge?

 

> He puts his hand on your right shoulder.
> 
> “Yöu beautiful BASTARD, I’m gönna give yöu a musclejöb.”
> 
> You stiffen and turn your head.
> 
> “A musclejob?” you roar, “That’s for conciliatory relationships.”
> 
> “S-SHUT up and let me dö this, I wanna dö this.”

A musclejob is the troll word for massage. While I can understand it being odd for kismesises to do it, this implies matesprits can't do it either.

 

> You turn your head. He squeezes your shoulder, and then quickly moves downward. There is a sickening noise.
> 
> “Sir, um, you pulled my arm out of my socket.”

Lupine dislocated Equius' arm, not pulled it off. It might seem unbelievable Equius could be so chill about it but I had it happen twice when I was a kid and I was fine. I don't even remember it.

 

> “Ooops, let me fix that.”
> 
> “No, you don’t have to do that, Aurthor will take care of it.”

I wonder how often Aurthor has to do that.

 

> “No, cöme ön!”
> 
> Another sickening noise.
> 
> “YOU PULLED OUT MY OTHER ARM!”
> 
> “Ooops.”

Did Lupine forget which arm he was supposed to pop back into place?

 

> You turn around, just as Lupine vomits and falls forward. You are now covered in vomit with a troll on your shoulder and no working arms.

Of course Lupine vomits.

 

> You plaintively cry, “A-Aurthor?”

And presumably Equius' lusus comes, takes Lupine off of Equius, fixes Equius' arms, and cleans up. However, I didn't actually put that, so maybe Equius was stuck like that _all night_ .

 

> When he wakes up, Lupine commands you to tell him what happened last night. Then he commands you to not tell him what happened last night.

There are worse things that can happen when your drunk.

 

> He spends the rest of the night griefing with a hangover.

“Griefing” means “fighting” in Failure-Artist language.

 

> Good thing you stock Irn-Bru.

Irn-Bru probably isn't actually good for hangovers. Water is always the best.

Vomiting and bodily-mayhem aside, that was fluffy.

Next chapter:

 

> Measure of Love

This has the same Aesop as The True Measure of Leadership.

 

> You are standing naked in block strewn with notes, drawings, and measuring tools.

“naked in _a_ block”. This is presumably Equius' room dedicated to strewing notes, drawings, and measuring tools. You mean you don't have that room either? What rooms do you have?

 

> Equius is kneeling in front of you.

What is the size difference between Lupine and Equius? I never established exactly what it is but they are around the same size.

 

> All evening he’s been buzzing about you, quantifying every quantity you have.

Would Lupine know the word “quantifying”?

 

> He’s measured the facets of your horns, the length of your nose, the space between your eyes, the circumference of your neck, the breadth of your shoulders, the girth of your chest, the span of your arms, the digits of your hand, the clinch of waist, the mass of your ass, the inseam of your legs, the size of your feet, […]

That's exhaustive. I like the phrase “mass of your ass”.

 

> […] and now he’s at his favorite part.

Lupine's think pan?

 

> “You can get much harder than this,” he scolds.

Oh, yes, it was his think pan.

Seriously, it's his dick.

 

> You reply, “Nöt when I’m standing aröund böred öut öf my thinkpan. Can’t yöu give me a shöw ör sömething? Finger yöur noook?”

“Finger your noook?” Maybe the umlauts are better because you can ignore them instead of remembering he's howling all the time.

 

> “I…I can’t do that and measure you at the same time.”

You probably don't want a nervous one-handed Equius holding a compass to your genitals.

 

> “Why are yöu measuring me anyway?”
> 
> “I told you already, sir, I want to record the perfection of your physique for future generations.”

I guess Equius is planning a memorial statue for when Lupine dies tragically early, which we all know will happen because Lupine is a numbnut.

 

> You do not fall for such flattery.

As evidenced by the line you are about to say.

 

> “Yöu aren’t göing to build a röböt öf me?” you ask, more anxious than you wanted to sound.
> 
> “No, that’s ridiculous, why would I need a robot of you?”

“Building a robot” makes more sense than “recording detailed notes for posterity”.

 

> You look off into the distance. “Tö dö all thöse roböt things yöu like.”

Equius only punches robots and occasionally kisses them and you can do that.

 

> Equius grumbles some more as he strokes your half-hard bone bulge. You are too tired and frustrated to enjoy it, and besides he’s doing a terrible job.

If Equius manages not to rip off your genitals, he's doing a good job.

 

> “Why did I agree tö this anyway?” you ask.

“Why did I agree to this anyway?” is a common stock line in stories since it provides exposition for media res.

 

> He blushes blue.

That sounds cute.

 

> “In exchange for me allowing you to take me in that most filthy of places,” he answers.

Equius: The sub-basement. We really need to get that block cleaned.

 

> Your bone bulge sprouts up.

Bone bulges & recuperacoons: both plants.

 

> “FUCK yeah I get tö dö yöu in the ass!”

Lupine: FUCK yeah I get tooo dooo yooou in the ass!

Just reminding you that's how he's supposed to sound.

“Waste chute” isn't canon but it's established enough in fanon (and this fic!) that it's odd Lupine is saying “ass”.

 

> You push him down but he doesn’t budge.

The only way you can move Equius is if he wants to be moved.

 

> “Not right now,” he says through gritted teeth.

Does Equius' broken teeth change how he sounds when he talks through gritted teeth?

 

> You sigh loudly.

I've heard you should rarely have characters sigh but I can't stop.

 

> “I dön’t knöw why yöu’ve göt tö be sö uptight aböut anal. Yöu let me dö all sörts öf FUCKED up things.”

We don't get to see much of this kinky fuckery. It's all vanilla abuse, just like the second and third Fifty Shades novels.

 

> He doesn’t look at you as he jots down some notes.

Equius: *writing* Subject is uncooperative. Disposal suggested.

 

> “Even in kismesisitude the line must be drawn somewhere. I have my dignity.”

Hahaha no you don't pony boy

 

> You scoff. “More like yöu have tooo much SHIT. Yöu’re cönstipated all the time.”
> 
> “And don’t you think that would hamper things?”

Other stories would leave out this issue but not mine.

 

> “I dön’t give a SHIT.”

No, EQUIUS doesn't give a shit.

To Lupine's credit, he isn't forcibly sodomizing Equius. He's only whining about it. Equius decided to dole it out for good behavior.

 

> He looks up at you.
> 
> “You disgust me,” he says lovingly.

Try saying that lovingly.

 

> Equius goes back to work and soon finishes the job.

The job of measuring Lupine, not the job of giving a shit.

 

> He reluctantly fulfills his promise, hissing insults all throughout the messy deed.

That sub-basement must have a serious mold problem for Equius to be cursing so much.

Seriously, with the gag penis Lupine has, Equius should be dead.

 

> Later he builds a robot of you just to spite you.

He wasn't planning on doing that before?

This was way before Dirk sent Jake a robot replica of himself (yet both before and after Horuss did the same with Rufioh).

 

> You destroy it immediately.

What, you aren't going to have sex with it?

Not that I would have sex with a robotic version of myself.

 

> It was very romantic.

This chapter has been in present tense and so should the last line.

This story wasn't much of a chapter. If we'd seen the anal sex or the robot destruction that would be one thing but it's just them bickering.

Next chapter:

 

> Call of the Wild

We're back in Equius' POV for this chapter.

 

> It was a mistake coming here.

And in past tense.

 

> Only now do you realize it after moon segments of badgering Lupine.

No, Lupine is a wolf, not a badger!

On a serious note, “moon segments” is supposed to be weeks in troll.

 

> You said that as a committed couple you should visit each other’s hives. It wasn’t fair that Lupine had tromped into your hive numerous times and you hadn’t even seen one of his.

This jerkoff has multiple homes and I don't have a dining room.

 

> You wanted to mess up his hive too!

Equius could completely demolish a hive in one punch.

 

> Yet now you don’t have the blood-pumping organ for such black romance.

“Blood-pumping organ” is a bland way to put it.

 

> The journey took it out of you. Even though this hive isn’t much farther from Nepeta’s it’s still farther away than you ever travel. (Your moirail usually meets you halfway.)

In an unfinished story for Team Pale Pitch, Nepeta lived under Equius' hive and he accidentally destroyed her hive and her lusus.

 

> You had no problem walking so far but you were uncomfortable walking in the forest. It was hot and humid, filled with strange sounds, and so dark you couldn’t wear your shades.

There's rainforests near Equius' hive? Filled with Red-tailed hawks and kookaburras?

 

> Lupine wasn’t the most understanding guide. He would often bound ahead in front of you and leave you totally lost.

Luckily you had some bread crumbs.

 

> Worse of all, the things he said to you! He laughed at your lack of survival skills and called into question your fitness as a highblood.

Isn't it normally lowbloods who live in the wilderness while highbloods live in the suburbs and drink lattes?

 

> You know you are kismesis but the insults really cut into you.

Kismesises, not a singular kismesis.

How far can black insult go before being abuse a la Gamzee's treatment of Terezi?

 

> If you were back at your hive you could always point out that he use to not know how to turn on a husktop, […]

“used to”, not “use to”.

How do trolls learn computer skills? Who taught Gamzee?

 

> […] but out here you feel so out of your element.

Get rid of the first “out”.

 

> It’s not that you don’t love nature, it’s that you only love nature in the abstract sense.

I base my idea that Equius doesn't get outdoors on the idea that he doesn't know he lives near the ocean.

 

> When you got to the hive, you were appalled at how horrible it looked. The “cozy” hive was covered in the most tacky ornamentation you had ever seen.

Got all those trashy lawn ornaments like pink silt-birds and wigglers bending over to show their comical underpants.

 

> The inside was no better. It didn’t help that the place was in such bad repair. It was one thing knowing your kismesis has bad taste, that’s what attracts you to them, it was another being surrounded by it.

I should have had more details about the tacky ornamentation and bad repair to give a sense of location.

 

> That wasn’t the worse of it. It turned out a brownblood had been squatting in the hive, making the place even more squalid. You would have seen nothing of letting Lupine kill the intruder but your views towards lowbloods have softened. You see Nepeta and Aradia in every one.

Equius in canon said highbloods should use lowbloods and indeed he did treat Aradia that way but it's also in character for him to discard that view. It would be better if he considered murdering an innocent stranger as an absolute wrong instead of wrong only because said stranger looks like someone you care about. Well, baby steps.

 

> Along with platonic pity there were feelings of jealousy. She was pretty if rather dirty and you knew your kismesis would have raped her if you didn’t offer your body as a distraction.

Equius was jealous of his boyfriend's potential rape victim. And the only way Equius could stop his boyfriend from raping someone is to have sex with the boyfriend himself. This shouldn't be in a fluffy slice-of-life story. I could have gotten rid of this paragraph. The brownblood disappears.

 

> After he mated with you, and after you realized you couldn’t properly clean yourself, you cleaned his hive. All aftermidnight you spent clearing, repairing, sweeping, and scrubbing.

Why can't Equius clean himself? Is it lack of water? If so, how can he clean the hive?

 

> How ironic. You came here to mess up his hive and you ended up making it better.

An actually accurate example of irony!

 

> Now it is morning and you are sitting on a fur rug across from Lupine.

So it isn't past tense, it's present tense with lots of set-up.

 

> In between you is a horribly smoky firepit.

Fire pit should be two words.

I think dachas are more likely to have chimneys than fire pits.

 

> Lupine has provided you with a meager meal of a handful of nuts and berries and a red mushroom that even you know is poisonous.

In the chapter Courting, when Equius was wandering around, Lupine gave him proper meals. Now Lupine is feeding him poisoned mushrooms.

 

> He eats a huge piece of barbecued ribs. He is such a messy eater he has to do this shirtless.

He could use a bib but we need this shirtless scene.

 

> “Öh GÖD! Yöu’ve göt tö have söme öf this!” he grunts, “Öh yeah! Förgöt yöu can’t eat real foood.”

Everyone talks about obnoxious vegetarians but nobody talks about obnoxious carnivores.

 

> You say nothing.

Equius: Nothing.

 

> “What the FUCK is wröng?” he asks, “Isn’t this suppöse to be a römantic trip? Argue with me!”
> 
> You reply, “Sorry, sir, but I’m not in the mood. I spent the aftermidnight working to make your hive presentable. Besides, I shouldn’t disagree with a highblüd.”

But you are disagree with a highblood by not disagreeing with him.

 

> “FUCK, is this that söme öf that weird mind game shit yöu play? Fight fair, nerd.”
> 
> “Sorry, sir.”

It'd be a better apology if Equius said “I'm not sorry, dickweed”.

 

> Lupine sighs and goes back to his disgusting meal.
> 
> As you watch him, you think to yourself that he is right. This is a romantic trip and it has actually been romantic.

Seeing your lover trying to rape a stranger is so romantic!

 

> This morning you hate Lupine Durand so much. You hate him for making you feel so uncomfortable and insecure. You want to take revenge on him and right now your passive-aggressive pouting is the way to do it.

Now I'm imagining a Karkat<3<Equius fic where Equius purposefully tries to piss Karkat off by acting overly submissive and fawning. Someone write that.

 

> Yet your resolve to be silent is tempered by your rage at his poor table manners. It doesn’t help that he’s doing it shirtless, making you both infuriated and aroused.

Can you eat ribs sexily, even if you have an eight-pack?

 

> He speaks up. “Hey, stöp staring at me, creep!”

If you can't stand people staring at you, you shouldn't date Equius.

 

> You break. “You are so disgusting and uncouth I could vomit!”

It's a FailureArtist fic. There's nothing stopping you from vomiting!

 

> You point as his sauce-smeared chest.
> 
> “Lük at you!

That's supposed to be “look” in Equius' quirk and not the learning aide.

 

> You can’t even eat right! If I could I would take you outside and blast you with a hose!”

Why didn't you blast yourself with the hose earlier?

 

> Lupine smiles and throws his head back.
> 
> “Finally,” he laughs.

You can't laugh dialogue.

 

> You feel better too.

Since you can't see what's coming.

 

> He turns to you […]

How can he turn to Equius when they're both already facing each other?

 

> […] and says, “If yöu want tö clean me, dö it yöurself.”
> 
> You uncaptchalogue a towel.
> 
> “With yöur töngue,” he adds.

You should have seen that coming.

 

> You take the towel and wipe copious amounts of sweat off yourself.

Don't bother. You'll have to do it again soon.

 

> You then go over to where he lies.

But dogs don't lie.

 

> He looks surprised for a moment that you are actually taking him up on his offer, […]

Should be “as if he didn't think you'd take him up on his offer”.

 

> […] but then he smirks and lies back.

He was already lying.

 

> You start licking the vile substances off of his neck and shoulders. He tenses up at the unexpected pleasure, and then shudders.

Usually this type of thing is done with chocolate but barbecue sauce might be a better idea. As long as you don't use Carolina-style.

 

> The barbeque sauce his overly sweet and tangy and mixed in with blood and chunks of meat. It tastes almost as bad as his genetic material and it lacks the erotic appeal of that substance.

Now I want barbecue. I'm a shitty vegetarian.

 

> You ignore the taste and concentrate on his muscles flexing under your tongue. As you go lower you study the body you know so well. You are meticulous in your work. You do not leave any sauce on him. Eventually, his chest is shiny with saliva.

Karkat's romance novel shows male trolls with no chest hair but that might just be because it's an edit of a human romance novel and those tend to have waxed chests. If trolls do have chest hair, this might be awkward.

 

> Despite your steadfast dislike of eating anything with meat, you like this. It’s so degrading and yet so sensual.

This scene of a fifteen year old vegetarian licking meat sauce off his fifteen year old boyfriend is more sexy than anything in the Fifty Shades trilogy.

 

> When you reach his waistband, you pull yourself up and start licking his face in appreciation.

I think he'd appreciate it more if you went lower.

 

> He pulls you into a kiss, but his breath triggers something. You pull away, put your hand to your mouth, and run to the door to vomit. Lupine rolls his eyes.

See, the option to vomit was there all along! And this is still sexier than Fifty Shades!

This chapter would have been sweet and tangy if it weren't for the ATTEMPTED RAPE. Lupine is so fucking terrible and not just because he's like “lol vegetarians”.

We come to our final chapter:

 

> Topping from the Bottom

I wrote a Tavvris story called “Topping from the very Bottom”

 

> Lupine takes his arms away from your neck and throws them up in the air with an angry sigh.

REAL highbloods strangle with their bare hands, not any bowstring! Seriously, Lupine was just doing some vague hold.

 

> “Yöu threw the match för a third time!” he yells.

Lupine: And it didn't land heads up! You got to buy this round.

 

> You crawl off the mat to get your shades.

This is in Equius' block for losing wrestling matches.

 

> “I think if you eXs-amine the fight you’ll find that you were the victor,” you say, “I simply wasn’t fast enough.”

Equius is back to using his Xs weird. Try say “eXs-anime”.

Is Equius slow? He gets from his hive to Aradia's Land really quick, but that's because he's using his strong muscles to leap. He isn't too slow fighting in Make Her Pay, though not fast enough to avoid Nepeta accidentally leaping on him. Yet you got to give the character some weakness so Mighty Glacier it is.

 

> “Yöu weren’t even trying tö be faster than me! It was like fighting a dead tröll up in here! Yöu let me win!”

Though a psychological block against letting superiors win is a more canon weakness.

Equius' killer Gamzee may have been built up as being strong enough to give the Black King major damage (in the fan animation he _clubs on of the BK's heads completely off_ ) but in the end it came down to Gamzee taking advantage of Equius' psychological weakness.

 

> “You still won. Congratulation, sir.”

Equius is dead-panning this.

 

> He groans loudly.
> 
> “What’s the FUCKING pöint öf winning if yöu aren’t actually better?”
> 
> “You are better than me.”
> 
> “Better, ha, yöu dön’t think that. If yöu did yöu wöuldn’t höld back like I’m söme weak little löwbloood.”
> 
> “Though you are STRONG, I can still hurt you.”

They both have a point. Holding back is an insult but imagine how terrible it would be if Equius didn't hold back.

 

> “I knöw, you used tö bruise me up, and actually talked SHIT aböut me, and yöu were always submissive, öf cöurse, letting me FUCK yöu, but it’s just götten möre and möre, and it’s all because…all because öf what?”
> 
> “I…I realized things were better that way.”

I didn't say when in the timeline of their relationship this is. I don't think I ever thought of it. I guess it's after Gamzee trolled Equius?

 

> “Better? It’s sooo boooring this way. What dö you get öut of it?”
> 
> “I can’t explain it. It just feels so…right.”

D/s might work better in moirallegience since many subs find a psychological peace in submission. It's called subspace.

 

> Lupine mutters, “Yeah, it is right cause I’m higher than you.”

Is it really a mutter if it's directed at someone else?

 

> He then says, “But what aböut that marooonbloood?”

Imagine him howling “marooonbloood”.

Later, the canon term for the Megidos's blood was established as Burgundy that sounds pretty than maroon. Rustblood is another canon term but it encompasses the Nitrams's blood too.

 

> “I know it’s wrong, but it still feels right,” you say, then add a little forcefully, “You could never understand our love.”

“you say, then add a little forcefully” seems an awkward way to put a piece of dialogue.

 

> “Löve, hmph, yöu’re just defective. Have yöu ever FUCKED anyöne?”
> 
> “Aradia has let me penetrate her…I mean, I’ve penetrated Aradia.”

It would be cooler if trolls 1) didn't care who penetrates one, 2) finds the penetrater inferior, or 3) mutually penetrate each other. Why have aliens with the same sexual politics as us?

 

> Lupine laughs. “BULLSHIT.”
> 
> “Should I ask Aradia if she would like to demonstrate for you?”
> 
> “FUCK nö, I’m nöt watching yöu twö.”

That's why Equius has two different blocks for his two different quadrants.

 

> Lupine turns his head and rubs his chin.
> 
> “But I wönder if yöu really are defective,” he says.

Not wanting to top is considered defective in this version of troll society, though this does come from a super-macho bigot.

 

> He pounces you and pins you to the ground.
> 
> “Nöt fighting back again, huh? Goood, because I want yöu tö sit still för this.”

It ruins the point of exercise if Equius is lying back but Lupine can't stand letting a little bit of control.

 

> Grumbling, he quickly takes off your shorts and his pants, leaving you both naked.

So they were both only in pants? No schoolgirl fetish accessories?

 

> You wonder why he’s so annoyed at what should be a joyful task. You are enthused about the imminent mating.

You haven't guessed he's gonna try to catch?

 

> He strokes your bone bulge, a rare but not unusual move for him.

Lupine rarely ever does a reacharound? Lazy.

 

> You lie back and enjoy his claws on your sensitive flesh.

Ouch.

 

> He then stops, and nothing happens for a few seconds. You lift your head up and see him busy doing something very unusual. He has one finger in his nook and is trying to put in another finger.

More ouch. It's like watching F/F where the women have long nails.

 

> His eyes are scrunched up, but he opens them to look at you.

I can imagine him doing just one eye like Kankri does (well, Kankri doesn't do that during sex).

 

> “What are you looking at?” he growls at you.

You can't growl without Rs and Lupine forgot to howl.

 

> You obediently lie back again. You hear a triumphant grunt and then a hiss of pain. You close your eyes and don’t give into the temptation to look. A few more grunt filled seconds pass. You are feeling more confused and less aroused. Why is he trying to pleasure himself in such an unpleasant way when he could just have you?

Equius is slow on the uptake.

You feel his hand slowly stroke your bone bulge from the root to the tip.

 

> He murmurs, “…sö big…”

Lupine's previous attempt at catching was with a yellowblood with a “handsome bone bulge”. Handsome in this case meaning above-average. Equius is bigger.

 

> “Huh?”
> 
> “Nöthing, lie döwn!”

Is this dubious consent if Equius doesn't know what the sex act is going to be?

 

> You do so. He moves his knees up and suddenly, you feel something soft on the tip of your bone bulge.

Equius has his eyes closed so he might not know what Lupine is doing with his own knees.

 

> You look up to see him straddling your crotch and trying hard to sink himself down. He is grunting and cursing. You are silent and staring. He pays no attention to you, only focusing on your bone bulge and his nook. Sweat pours off his brows, almost as much sweat as you. Seeing no progress, he lifts himself up.

That bone bulge is going to bend. Maybe a tentacle would be better.

 

> He starts groping your wet seedflap. You think this means he’s giving up on his earlier enterprise, but instead of doing the proper thing, he just rubs the secretions onto himself.

I think you need more lube for Equius's horsedong.

 

> He gets back in place and with a great exhalation, finally relaxes enough to allow the tip into his nook.

And that's enough the end.

 

> You both hold your breath as he slowly sits down on your bone bulge.

How long is the average nook? You see porn with super-above-average dudes and their dicks are only half in.

 

> You finally look into each other’s eyes.

Equius picked up his shades in the beginning but there's no mention of him putting them on. Writing glass-wearing is hard for me. I don't wear them.

 

> You violently break the silence.

You PUNCH the silence.

 

> “You’re a highblüd!”
> 
> “Sö are yöu,” he hisses.

At least that sentence had one S.

 

> “But…you are higher than me!”
> 
> “And yöu’re higher than that marooonbloood but yöu LET her böne yöu.”

Well, nub you.

 

> You have no answer to that. That’s different.

It's more like scissoring.

 

> This just feels so wrong. The sensation is so unusual. Your kismesis’ nook is so cold and uninviting. It’s tight around you, but there is no clenching.

I would say I'm remembering highbloods are cold but I think Lupine is cold just because he isn't turned on.

I don't know what it feel like to penetrate someone. Would be interesting if I could grow a dick and find out, though the problem is getting rid of it afterwards.

 

> And there is just something in the air that makes your vascular blood-pumping organ hurt.

You don't need both vascular and blood-pumping.

 

> Your kismesis moves up only to come down again. He starts bouncing on you. Your half-hard bone bulge bends a little.

Then splits in half.

 

> “Cöme ön, get HARDER,” he says.

Equius gets too hard and kills Lupine.

 

> He sinks his claws into your sides. He’s probably doing this for his pain, but it helps your arousal.

He could be giving purple nurples.

 

> Lupine says, “Better, but, ugh, yöu still SUCK. Can’t yöu thrust?”
> 
> You do so quickly and he gasps in surprise but then chuckles.

Equius thrusting should elicit more than gasps and chuckles.

 

> “Sö, ahh FUCK, is this höw you are with that löwbloood? This höw yöu give it tö her?”
> 
> “Oh, Aradia,” you moan.

When you call her name, it's like a prayer.

 

> “Yeah, her ön töp, her thighs aröund yöu…bet she has great legs under that skirt?”

Every part of our Burgundy Goddess is sexy perfection...even though she's 14-16 years old.

 

> You throw your head back, eyes closed, and imagine it’s her on top of you.

As one should imagine at all times.

 

> But you thrust harder than you do with her, and you don’t try to hold yourself back.

Lupine should be dead a million times.

 

> You desperately want to be done with this strange exercise.

Yeah, I think this is dubious consent. A strange dubious consent, but it's one anyway.

 

> Finally, with a sad hiss, you pail into him.

I almost never describe orgasms. Other writers go into description that sound like the character is having a stroke and dosed with LSD but I'm just like “they came”.

 

> Lupine stops and rises off of you. You sit up on your elbows. He is standing and examining the little genetic material leaking out of his nook.
> 
> “Pathetic,” he says.

I guess trolls come based on how into it they are. Lupine didn't come at all.

 

> You bow your head in shame. You failed his test.

You came. That's good enough.

 

> “I’m göing tö take a bath,” he says.
> 
> He looks at you with something near pity.
> 
> He adds, “I’ll let you wash me.”

I didn't need to interrupt the dialogue that way.

Equius isn't good at bathing Gamzee but that's another story.

 

> You smile goofily. He sighs as he walks away.

And our chapter ends here and so with it the story. Like MMFBF, there were still things to do but I didn't have the heart to do more. I was embarrassed to have an OC in a relationship with a canon character. I had the idea of my OC getting into a flushed relationship with another OC. I believed that was worse than an OC being with a canon. It was taking attention away from the _real_ characters. In retrospect, I should have ignored that. OCs aren't bad. It's interesting to see what life is like for trolls other than the main twelve. There's so many places to go.

My OC love for my OC was a maroonblood named Quaker, handle quietusSpinster. (I didn't have a first name for her.) Her lusus was a mouse named Qu-Qu (always with the Utena references). Her sylladex is Wheel of Fate. Her psychic power is she can see when bad things are happening to other people (but not herself). She had a kuudere personality. She was small and homely, as compared to the big and handsome Lupine.

Her backstory was she lived in a lowblood village when one of the inhabitants claimed to be the second-coming of the Signless. Everyone was wiped out by the Empire but her, who saw it coming with her powers and hide. She lives alone in the ruins.

She set a trap for Lupine using his love for his lusus, after she saw Lupine have a daymare. She forced him to promise to be her matesprit in exchange for freedom. She wasn't attracted to him; she just wanted a powerful highblood on her side. She eventually felt pity for him and released him from his contract but that made him pity her. After that, they had a real matespritship.

It's not a bad story and I wish I wrote it, but it's too late now.

So, back on this story: Lupine is evil. He's too terrible to be a partner to Equius, who for all his problems has a good heart. Lupine/Equius is basically an abusive D/s relationship which doesn't fit what true black romance should be. Their relationship is heavily based on sex. There are some slightly healthy moments but not many. Maybe I could have gradually improved the relationship but I stopped too soon.

Lupine, to his credit, isn't two-dimensional. He has wants and needs and interests. Though his almost-equal strength with Equius seems Marty-Stu-ish, Lupine's lack of intelligence more than makes up for that. He isn't a Jerkass Sue in the sense that everyone likes him despite his behavior. He's allowed to get away with his behavior but that's justified in this setting. I've read complaints about making (Alternian) fantrolls super-violent “psycho” killers but that fits with the setting. Lupine's gag bone bulge doesn't make sense though we never get any measurements.

This story never got the attention MMFBF. As of this writing, it has 911 views and 7 Kudos, which is a lot but nothing compared to MMFBF's 41 comments, 165 Kudos, 17 Bookmarks, and 5690 Hits. Even Sessions, a short fic, got more attention than that. I thought this meant I shouldn't write more because no one could be interested in my OC. I should have done it even if no one cared.

Next: Captain Paprkia's Lonely Hearts Spade Band. I wish I could have published the Revisit on the 50  th  Anniversary of the namesake but that would mean rushing things.

  


  


 


	23. Revisiting "Captain Paprika's Lonely Heart Spade Band"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sad pointless story of Eridan and Gamzee.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: emetophobia (of course).

Let's start this off with a music video!

Anyway, as we all should recall, in Chapter 16 of MMFBF Eridan came to Gamzee's hive for sex. After being embarrassed by Karkat's prescence, Eridan said he came to confess his flush feelings for Gamzee. Here is a quote from that chapter:

 

> “Don’t you remember that nearly magical day durin’ the bright season w-when I came to you in despair and w-we embraced and filled each other w-with di-wine hope?” Eridan ejaculated.
> 
> “Nope.”
> 
> “Ya fuckin’ douchebag!”

Heh heh.

At the same time I wrote that chapter, I wrote this side story, plus a side story for that side story. That's a lot of EriGam.

On with the show:

 

> Summary:
> 
> What happened between Eridan and Gamzee in "My Motherfucking Best Friend".

That's not a very evocative summary, is it?

 

> Tags:
> 
> Oral Sex, Loneliness, Drugs, Bad Sex

That's minimalist yet evocative.

 

> **Chapter 1**

I had forgotten this work was two chapters. It doesn't really need to be divided.

 

> Eridan touchdowned[...]

...in the land of the Delta Blues.

 

> […] on the beach in front of Gamzee's hive. He dismounted his trusted steed and lusus, gave him a comforting pat, and put him in his steed deck.

A “Steed deck” is a unique headcanon. I had forgotten this. It's not unimaginable but it is a little creepy.

 

> He needed a comforting pat himself right now. He was nervous.

Could have gotten rid of the “he was nervous” since the previous line showed it.

 

> Though Gamzee was an old friend, he had never been to his hive before. It didn't look as crazy as he had expected. Perhaps the clown did have some restraint, he thought.

Gamzee's hive isn't much different from the other hives. You would think someone like him would have a hive like this:

As for Eridan, his hive is a re-purposed ship.

Possibly he has a boring hive he got when he left the caverns but he found this more romantic.

 

> He strode purposefully towards the front door and made his presence known with a series of strong clear knocks. There was no reply. Eridan's resolve faltered.

It's been one second, jeez.

 

> Was Gamzee even in? he wondered.

With no italics or quotation marks. Could have said: He wondered if Gamzee was even in?

 

> There was light in the window, so he should have been in. Eridan needed shelter. It was the light season and the sun was more dangerous than normal.

Karkat's narration when he's standing on his door step talks about “dark seasons”. Presumably, there are also light seasons.

 

> He couldn't camp out here. Where was that fool? Was he really going to let him dry out like a beached whale?

Gamzee did Eridan died pime taradox.

 

> Eridan was close to totally flipping out when the door opened.

Eridan is always close to flipping out.

 

> The drama queen had a lecture prepared for his so-called friend when he saw his so-called friend was wearing a tiny black silk robe. Eridan bit his lips.

Are we supposed to think Gamzee in a tiny black silk robe is sexy? He's not Barbara Stanwyck.

 

> Was it really true that anyone who stepped through his doorway was treated to a day of unimaginable erotic delights? Eridan couldn't quite believe it was true.

Me neither. Gamzee is less “unimaginable erotic delights” and more “better than using your hand”. Luckily, this fic shows more the second.

 

> Dopey old Gamzee Makara, obsessing over clowns, honking about and falling off comical vehicles, wearing baggy pants and unflattering makeup.

Making this completely ridiculous.

 

> He really didn't strike Eridan as being a sensual creature. Yet here he was, dressed in a short robe that showed off his surprisingly nice games.

His Yahtzee, his Parcheesi, and to Eridan's special delight, his Risk.

Seriously, I meant to say “gams”, which is old-fashioned American slang for well-formed legs of a woman. Something Awful made “GAMS GAMS GAMS” the catchphrase of cartoonist Brooke McEldowney.

 

> His face was clear of that stupid heavy paint, and he didn't look half bad,[...]

Yes, I already posted that comic.

 

> […] though his chin wasn't as STRONG as Eridan's was.

Eridan has a buttchin.

 

> Gamzee spoke up.

Gamzee: Up.

 

> "Hey, my motherfucking best friend, what's up?"
> 
> Eridan once again doubted Gamzee's skills as a concupiscent lover. "Motherfucking" wasn't a very romantic word.

I'm sure plenty of Samuel L. Jackson fans would disagree.

 

> "I w-was in the neighborhood so I decided to wisit," he lied.

Lied. So we aren't going for any ambiguity here.

 

> "And this is the place to visit, bro, so come on in."

You mean the place to wisit.

Plenty of people have told Gamzee they were “just in the neighborhood” so he takes it in stride.

 

> Gamzee stepped aside. Eridan took a small step in, and then walked completely in. His host shut the door behind him.

“Eridan entered.” There. Cut down those words.

 

> The guest looked around. There was not as much religious paraphernalia as he had expected. That was a good thing in his eyes. He found the indigoblood's sect distasteful.

All of Gamzee's religious posters are in his respiteblock so what paraphernalia is there?

Outlaw cult or not, it would make sense a violetblood like Eridan would see it as “distasteful”.

 

> He wondered if there were any other guests. Was the other guest or guests male? Were they female? If they were girls, were they making out right now in this hive? Eridan consciously stopped his heavy breathing.

Would trolls have the concept of “Girl-on Girl is Hot” (or its reverse) if same gender relations are completely standard? Karkat found the idea of Jade and Jadesprite making out hot but that's more because it's selfcest.

 

> "Is there anyone else here?" he asked.
> 
> "Naw, it's just me and...what's your name again?"
> 
> The seatroll puffed up his chest. "Eridan Ampora, prince of the sea, belo-wed moirail of the Heir Apparent."

It should be “heiress”. There's no need for the Apparent when there is only one candidate for the throne at a time.

 

> He then sunk down. "You really don't remember my name?"

He doesn't remember Kitten's name either.

 

> "I can barely remember my own most days," he replied,[...]

Disassociation?

 

> […] "You're that wizard troll, aren't you?"
> 
> "Magic is fake," Eridan sniffed, "But I'm flattered that I cut such an august figure."

This is IC though you can't sniff dialogue (unless you're Terezi).

 

> He really wasn't that disappointed Gamzee didn't remember his name.

Sorry, Eridan would be disappointed, no matter what the reason for forgetting was.

 

> Gamzee was a friend of a friend of a friend. Eridan had first met Vriska, then Kanaya, then Karkat, and final Karkat's friend Gamzee.

That is a logical chain.

 

> The aquatic chauvinist had high hopes for the descendant of the dread Subjuggulators, but the indigoblood had disappointed him.

“Descendant of the dread Subjuggulators” seems implies the Subjuggulators aren't running around subjuggulating in present day. Did anyone in canon guess that Gamzee was related to the Grand Highblood?

 

> Eridan hoped he wouldn't disappoint him again.

...in bed.

That's totally what he means.

 

> "Soooo," he said, "how-w are thins goin'?"
> 
> "Things are as chill as they can be, you know," Gamzee replied.

In canon, Gamzee tells Karkat “i'm as chill as all what's can be.” but since that's in the middle of Murderstuck it's a flagrant lie (likely sarcasm).

 

> "Hey, I saw-w your lusus the other night."
> 
> The laid-back troll perked up. "The Old Goat? Where, man, where?"

Gamzee calls his lusus “the Old Goat” when he tells Terezi he's waiting for it. “Old Goat” is also a nickname for Satan. It turns out later the Seagoats are a very scary species.

 

> "He...he w-was forty knots southw-west from here. I spotted him three nights ago."

“Knot” is a speed, not a unit of distance. A nautical mile, which is what I meant, is 1.852 kilometers or 1.15 miles. Forty nautical miles is 74.08 kilometers or 46 miles”. I don't know how fast a seagoat can travel. Maybe Hiveswap will answer that question.

 

> Eridan added, "That's w-why I came here, to tell ya about it, to be a friend to you."
> 
> "Oh. That's a long way from here and so long ago, he must be at the southwestern continent by now."

It would be horrible if Eridan was lying about Seagoatdad's location but he isn't, I don't think. He is lying about caring enough to tell Gamzee. Tracking Seagoatdad is the fixing robot legs of EriGam.

 

> "I doubt he's mowin' south in this w-weather."
> 
> "True dat, it's really hot outside."
> 
> "Yes, hot."

Obligatory small talk!

It's “tru dat”, or rather just say “true that”.

 

> Eridan couldn't stop looking at Gamzee's big feet. They couldn't match Feferi's graceful flippers, but they were still pretty wicked. Oh, how he missed Fef!

Eridan of course has a foot fetish. There's lot of discourse over Feferi's weight but none over her foot size.

 

> "Sooooooooo, you expectin' anyone?"

This is Eridan's dialogue, even though it's Gamzee's turn. I just inserted a piece of foot fetishism to break up the small talk.

 

> "Not this dawn, my motherfucking best friend."

Gamzee: Hold on, let me check my schedule. *takes out book* I think I can pencil you in...

 

> Eridan played with his rings. "I thought, perhaps, I could stay here the day. You see, I'm goin' through some tough times, currents-ly, my relationship w-with Fef is flounderin', you know-w her, she's the future empress an all you fuckin' peasants, no offense, and I just need to be w-with somebody."

We don't hear what the relationship problems are but isn't that the same with most men on the make?

Eridan doesn't like fish puns though he isn't above using them sometimes.

 

> His host stepped forward and put his hand on his guest's shoulder. "I understand what you're coming for, bro."
> 
> "You...you do?"

Free ice cream.

 

> "You want to pail with this motherfucker."

Oh, sex. Sad that Gamzee thinks that's the reason why someone would visit him and it's sad he's right.

 

> He stepped back and let his robe drop. Eridan immediately pitched a tent.

Well, Gamzee is a clown, of course he's going to pitch a tent.

 

> It wasn't so much the sight of Gamzee's naked body that set him off as the idea of someone finally saying yes to him.

That makes more sense than Gamzee being oh so sexy.

 

> Here he was, six sweeps old, almost seven sweeps, and he was going to lose his red virginity.

Six sweeps is an even 13 years old and seven sweeps is 15.12. Eridan is fourteen years and his partner is the same. Keep that in mind.

Do trolls have a divide between black and red virginity? Do they have the concept of virginity? The canon doesn't go into that.

 

> Well, to be fair, he wasn't sure he lost his black virginity. He had gotten farther with Vriska than most wrigglers did with their first hate, but it wasn't that far. There had been some sloppy makeouts, some "accidental" gropes, and one time she ordered him to finger her but she couldn't finish and they just gave up.

Huh, a realistic amount of sex for early teens to have! Amazing!

 

> Eridan was sure he was going to lose some sort of virginity today.

Again, what is the troll concept of virginity?

 

> Gamzee moved back towards him and Eridan expected a kiss (he wasn't sure he wanted one from him) but was oddly relieved when his friend just kneeled down in front of him.

No kissing, just straight to the knob-gobbling. This is sad.

 

> He rubbed and kneaded the erection though the two layers of cloth.

This is Gamzee rubbing and kneading Eridan's erection.

 

> Eridan looked down at him but his partner didn't look up. He was entirely focused on that crotch.

Gamzee is the one entirely focused on ~dat crotch~.

 

> Eridan combed his hands through that wild black-haired head and pushed it against the fly of his trousers.

Why must guys push?

 

> Gamzee didn't mind.

Gamzee didn't _seem_ to mind. Meanwhile, he's plotting murder.

 

> He just started licking the damp spot on Eridan's crotch.

That corduroy Gamzee is licking.

 

> If this kept up his trousers would get stained with something else, Eridan thought.

Is troll lube colored like genetic material?

 

> He pushed Gamzee away.

Rude!

 

> "W-where is your c-concupiscent c-conch, I mean, couch?" he stuttered out.

“Conch” isn't a good pun for “couch” since the ch doesn't sound the same.

 

> Gamzee stood up and walked over to the winding stairs. Eridan followed him until they reached a small room with the appropriate couch. Gamzee laid down with his bottom over the pail hole.

In “Ticket to Ride”, trolls have sex on what Dave calls a mix between a Swedish pool chair and a toilet chair.

 

> He propped himself up with his elbows and looked at Eridan with half-lidded eyes.

Gamzee (almost) always has half-lidded eyes, even when he's sober.

 

> Eridan's hands flew to the top button of his jacket and faster than you could say "100% cocoon fabric" it was off.

In “eXperiment Aradia Continuation”, Eridan is abnormally attached to his silk ties, even though he keeps plenty of spares.

 

> Unfortunately, under his jacket he wore a corset. It wasn't a fetish thing; he just wore it to mantain a proper military bearing.

Canon Eridan slouches but it's not unreasonably he might decide he wants to stop by any means necessary.

 

> His partner didn't care so he just quickly untied it and let his blubber flop out. He had gained a little weight after he quit FLARPing.

If your “blubber” is “flopping out” you've gained more than a little weight.

 

> He was about to take off his turtleneck when he remembered another problem: his malformed neck gills. They were fused shut. He had read that this problem was the result of too much land-dweller blood in the incestuous slurry. For many sweeps he blamed the land-dwellers for his deformity, but after confessing this to his patron she cooled his genocidal rage. It was still incredibly embrassing.

This is a better Freudian Excuse than hating littering.

 

> Instead he unzipped his ankle boots and his trousers and stripped it all off, including his glasses.

But what about his socks?? Are they thigh-highs??

Some people think Eridan's glasses are fake because Cronus doesn't wear any but it's perfectly IC for Cronus to go without glasses despite needing them.

 

> He ran over and straddled Gamzee. The laid-back troll looked up at him and started licking his face fins.

I wonder what meaning licking face fins has to trolls.

 

> Eridan decided, gills be damned, he was going to take off his shirt. It was too weird having sex with it on. He'd feel like a fat wriggler. He sat up and pulled it over his head.

You are a fat wriggler, Eridan.

 

> "Hey man," Gamzee said, "Your chest is all broadening up and you got some nice side gills."
> 
> "Thank you for noticin' that," Eridan beamed.
> 
> Gamzee looked down at Eridan's painfully hard bone bulge.
> 
> "Whooooa that thing's so big I don't know how it'll fit in my nook."

Gamzee is just dead-panning his compliments.

 

> Actually, Gamzee's bone bulge was bigger than Eridan's and it wasn't even really hard yet.

We finally find out how big Gamzee's bone bulge is and he's bigger than Eridan's. Which might not mean much. Unless this is “Almost Worthy of Respect” where Eridan has a foot long endowment in which case jegus.

 

> Eridan didn't care. His head was too swollen.

That is, the one on his shoulders.

 

> Gamzee grabbed Eridan's hand and guided it to his seedflap.

Rude!

 

> "Yeah, man, feel that nook," he mumbled, "Feel how wet it is, I'm so wet for you it's like the fucking ocean down here."

Your eyes...are like the ocean.

Your improbable xeno-vagina...is also like the ocean.

 

> Eridan talked back, "Oh yeah, take my royal rings, take them, feel it scratch your walls, don't it feel good, don't you like it??"

That sounds painful.

 

> Gamzee did like it.

He seemed to like it. _Seemed._

 

> His bone bulge got a little more hard. He closed his eyes and laid back.

Oh the mild arousal.

 

> Eridan removed his fingers and counted his rings.

He'd lost all of them.

 

> His partner looked up and frowned a little.

He's just stopping a second.

 

> The seatroll yelled, "Time for the fuckin' harpoon!"

And he put Gamzee out of his misery with Ahab's Crosshairs the end pime taradox.

 

> He positioned himself and in one overeager motion he thrust into his partner. Gamzee was experienced enough to take this roughness in stride.

_Seemed_ experienced enough. He seems experienced enough to take this shitty virgin sex.

 

> He kept up the dirty talk.
> 
> "Yeah, man, it's so good, man, you're so big and hard and shit, it's like a miracle."
> 
> Eridan shot back, "Yeah, take it, take it all, all of it!"

You both fail at Dirty Talk.

 

> After a few more erratic pumps Eridan gasped and slowed down to a steady pace.

A steady yet unsatisfying pace.

 

> Gamzee sighed contently and muttered some "motherfuckers" into the virgin's ear.

Gamzee: *whispering sexily* Motherfuckers.

 

> Eridan kissed him and he in turn thrust himself up.

Finally they kiss.

 

> The lovesick troll pulled away. His eyes filled with lavender tears and he started glubbing.
> 
> "Oh Fef," he cried, "Oh Fef, oh Fef, oh cod this is ewery thin' I could hawe w-wished for."

Though Eridan only kissed Gamzee because he was imagining Feferi.

 

> Gamzee's body went limp. His bone bulge, squashed between the two bodies, went flaccid. He turned his head away.

Glad I didn't flat out say “Gamzee didn't like this” and instead made it obvious he didn't.

 

> Eridan continued.

Just continued in general. Didn't die right at that moment.

 

> He kissed the turned cheek repeatedly[...]

I don't think that's what Jesus meant.

 

> […] and then threaded his hands through that long black hair.

I think your hands would get stuck.

 

> "Oh Fef my princess," he cried, "You have such beautiful hair, and your horns are so elegant, oh cod you're so fuckin' graceful and elegant."

Gamzee's hair is completely different but his horns are pretty majestic.

 

> Eridan continued to babble on about his unrequited love. Gamzee groaned a little but he didn't reply. He just laid there. After almost three minutes Eridan slow strokes again grew rapid.

So it's been like five minutes. Well, that is a reasonable amount of time given the circumstance and the person.

 

> "Glub glub glub oh Fef w-why aren't you...urghhh gluuuuub..."

Was Eridan going to say “Why aren't you a major character instead of a plot device?”

 

> Before he could pull out all the way and aim for the pail he ejaculated into his partner.

That's what happens when your reproduction depends on pulling out.

 

> Tired, he laid on top of him with his bone bulge still in the nook. Neither said anything.

I'd hope the bone bulge and nook wouldn't talk.

 

> Gamzee seemed to perk up. He wrapped his arms around his partner and snuggled up against him. He was happy.

Could have just went with the second sentence.

 

> After five minutes or so, Eridan sat up. He looked at Gamzee's soft bone bulge.
> 
> "Hey, did you pail?" he asked.
> 
> "It's fine, bro, I just like being with you."

Gamzee: plus you really really suck at sex

 

> "No it's not fin! It doesn't count if you don't pail too!"

In “Eridan and Dualscar Get Drunk”, Eridan doesn't care that Dualscar didn't come too and Dualscar points that out.

 

> He grabbed it and roughly started pumping it.

_With_ the rings on?

 

> "Come on, I w-want you to get off, I'm not the bad guy here," he muttered.

More like morally ambiguous guy here.

 

> The bone bulge slowly curved out of its sheath.

This suggests something alien but bone bulges in this verse are just grey penises.

 

> Eridan laid down between Gamzee's thighs and then pumped it slower.
> 
> "I'm gonna sw-wallow-w this w-whole thin', just you w-watch," he said, "Seatroll's got no gag reflex."

Even if you live in the ocean you still need a gag reflex.

 

> He grabbed Gamzee's hip bones and impaled his head on the crotch.

You can't impale an orifice on something. He can impale himself though.

 

> His eyes went wide and watery.

I think we can all guess where this is going.

 

> He pulled his head up and vomited making Gamzee honk in disgust.

Troper Ta – oh wait, TVTropes got rid of that feature. Thank God.

 

> "Hey what the fuck are you doing?" he yelled as he grabbed Eridan's head.
> 
> "Oh my gl-god I'm s-so s-sorry," he stuttered.
> 
> Gamzee fell back down on the couch.
> 
> "Naw it doesn't like, matter," he said.

That's really laid-back.

 

> Eridan, now not scared, replied, "It's your fault for hawin' such oddly shaped genitals."

In “it ain't a devil's threesome when I does it”, Gamzee has a downward curving penis which helps/hinders his sex life.

 

> He grabbed a towel located convenietly next to the couch and wiped him off.

Thank God I remembered to put that part in.

 

> He then went right back to sucking, this time less ambitiously. Though he couldn't let the curved tip get too close to his uvula without gagging, he found he enjoyed it. Why the hell do people complain about this? he thought. They must be total virgins of something. After fifteen minutes he realized why people complained. His jaw hurt like a motherfucker.

Only the beginning and end of giving a blow job is fun and the end part is questionable.

 

> "Ughhh," he whined, "w-why hawen't you fuckin' pailed yet?"

It's only been like twenty minutes.

 

> "It, it just, yeah, takes a while for me," the stoner replied,[...]

“Stoner” isn't a random epithet. The drugs are making it hard for him to orgasm. In the fic I mentioned above, he doesn't ever orgasm and he doesn't seem to care about that.

 

> "Maybe you could just ride me, for a while, if you want."
> 
> "I w-will not 'ride' you, that is beneath me," he said with a bone bulge in his cheek.

Again with human sexual politics, though in this case it's also a pun.

How do you talk with a bone bulge in your mouth, especially if you also have shark teeth?

 

> He sat up and looked at the stoner's half-lidded eyes.
> 
> He added, "The problem is all those drugs you do. It's fuckin' up your boner deliwery system. That's a scientific fact."
> 
> He looked down.
> 
> "Great, and now-w you're soft again. Stupid goddamn lousy bone bulge."

Kids, don't use drugs. Or read this story.

 

> Eridan shut up and started sucking again, and Gamzee went full-length. To save his poor aching jaw he mostly licked the tip while fingering the nook. Somehow the slut could feel it down there and he really got a kick out of those cold rings.

How can Eridan tell this? Or is Eridan just assuming?

 

> Eridan realized he'd have to soak them later but it was worth it. Vriska had made him so self-conscious about his fingering skills so it was good to see someone appreciated him.

Gamzee might be (probably is) faking.

 

> It took another fifteen minutes but finally that stupid not-that-sexy clown was close. Eridan had to admit his bone bulge was rather impressive, even if it was skinny and bent. The seatroll went for the gusto in those last few seconds, bobbing his head up and down and pumping the base.

This would flow better if I cut out the part about Gamzee's bone bulge being “rather impressive”. Eridan could have noted that earlier.

 

> He was rewarded with several small but powerful spurts of genetic material right in his mouth. He moaned louder than the orgasming troll. When the orgasm subsided, he pulled himself up, swirled the last bit of indigo fluid around his mouth before swallowing, and smiled off into the distance.
> 
> "W-wow-w," he mumbled, "That w-was w-wicked."

My Eridan uses “wicked” more than he does in canon, which I think is not at all. “Wicked” is more Gamzee's thing.

 

> Gamzee didn't say anything, but Eridan kept talkin.
> 
> "People are alw-ways sayin', ew-ww that stuff is disgustin' but those people are totally w-wrong." He looked down. "Or maybe it's just your miracle juice. Yeah, miracles, heh heh heh snrk."

So Gamzee's spunk gets people high? That's a good explanation of why he's so popular.

 

> "Guess it is a miracle," Gamzee deadpanned.

Gamzee has been dead-panning all his dialogue.

 

> The guest got off his host and stretched out. His quarter-hard bone bulge flapped between his wet thighs.

Even bad oral sex turns people on!

 

> "I w-wonder how-w Fef w-would taste? Heh heh she's fuckin' royalty so she must taste amazin'. What do you think, Gam?"
> 
> "I don't."

Gamzee: ever

 

> "Yeah, you really shouldn't be thinkin' of royalty that w-way. I mean, Peixes has to taste like her Imperial Condescension, and thinkin' of her is a total boner killer," said Eridan, whose bone wasn't killed.

How could think of Condy be a boner-killer? Even Dirk thinks she's sexy.

Plus, it's Imperious, not Imperial.

 

> "Hmmm."

Gamzee is checking tumblr by now. Maybe posting about how terrible Eridan was in bed.

 

> "Maybe it's just rare bloods w-who got that magic elixir under their robes.

Again with Gamzee being a rare blood.

 

> Like Kan, she's got Mother Grub's blood, so it must be like holy w-water or somethin'.
> 
> "I'm not really into Mother Grub."
> 
> "I know-w, heathen," Eridan snapped back.

Ironic considering the “motherfuck-”. I wonder if the mother- refers to _the_ Mother Grub. I headcanon Kanaya hating “motherfuck-” words.

In "Ticket to Ride", Faygo is holy because it represents royal jelly so that's respect for Mother Grub.

 

> "Oh Mother Grub, I can't be thinkin' of Kan that w-way, she's like a lusus to me. Such deprawity! Such delectable deprawity!"

Eridan is ashen for Kanaya (or at least pretends to be to get Vriska back) but we don't know if he has concupiscent feelings for her or if he was ever fool-hearty enough to hit on her in those quadrants. It's not impossible though. She is beautiful, but not as beautiful as Our Burgundy Goddess.

 

> He lifted his head and walked over to Gamzee. He rubbed the boy's sweaty head.

Could Gamzee's hair ever get damp enough to lose its shape?

 

> "Hey, sleepy," he said, "After that long hour I'm ready to go again.

It's been like thirty-five minutes but I think that's the joke.

 

> W-what w-would you like?"
> 
> "Just a big ass pie and some Faygo," he mumbled.

Is that “big-ass pie” or “big ass-pie”? At least the Faygo is capitalized, though he should say which flavor.

 

> Eridan walked over to his clothes and put on his boxers.
> 
> "W-well! Fine then. I guess I exhausted you."

Five minutes is enough time to spend with Eridan before getting exhausted.

 

> He left the room to go find a big ass pie. The exhausted stoner laid on the couch and honked quietly to himself.

The POV character has left the room, damnit.

Next chapter:

 

> **The Long Lost Epilogue**
> 
> Chapter Notes

> Wrote this a while ago but was too lazy to retype it.

It's not really an epilogue as much as a scene that should have been in the first chapter. I guess I had to retype it because my library time went low before I could finish.

 

> Eridan angrily sucked a half-empty bottle of Faygo. His host was busy this evening “entertaining” another guest, leaving him to wash down his loneliness with Faygo.

Just thrown right in the middle of things!

 

> Why the hell did the aristocrat love cheap soda so much? It wasn’t like he couldn’t afford something better. The jerk just didn’t have any class.

Troll society just seems to have Faygo and Tab. What a sad world.

 

> Right after pailing he made his own guest serve him sopor slime until he fell into a stupor.  Eridan wanted to have another go, but he wasn’t willing to mess with Gamzee while he was unconscious. Where was the fun in that?

How noble of Eridan not to rape Gamzee.

 

> So instead he poured out his woes to his old friend until noon, then used the recupercoon.

Eridan is just talking away at Gamzee's comatose and possibly dead body.

 

> When he woke up he was hoping he could get Gamzee to lick him clean,[...]

That's exploitative.

 

> [...]but the slut was busy flirting with some fat greenblood.

I imagine the greenblood as being beefy, not fat. But I didn't imagine a name for him.

 

> Now the two were in another block and he was left totally alone.

Just in one of the random featureless blocks.

 

> It was a mistake losing his red virginity to Gamzee Makara. He was never the one Eridan wanted to have his first time with. From the moment he learned about love and sex he’d wanted to be with Feferi Peixes. He had so many fantasies about what their first time would be like. It would have been the most romantic morning ever! But no, he had to give himself to that stupid ill-mannered slut.

I've written a fanfic where [Eridan regrets giving his virginity to Nepeta](http://archiveofourown.org/works/271086), one where [he regrets giving it to Equius](http://archiveofourown.org/works/300827), and one where [he flips pale after having sex with Feferi](http://archiveofourown.org/works/339924). He will never be happy losing his virginity.

 

> Gamzee didn’t even really want what he offered. Judging by the sounds he was now making, he preferred what the greenblood offered.

Even random undefined OCs are better in bed than Eridan.

 

> So what if Gamzee wasn’t really attracted to him. He wasn’t attracted to Gamzee. The boy was skinny, ugly, and weird. The sex was horrible. Eridan hadn’t enjoyed a minute of it!

The sex was shittier for Gamzee than it was Eridan.

 

> Well, he thought as he licked the rim of the bottle, he had enjoyed that one part.

A coy way of saying he only enjoyed Gamzee ejaculating in his mouth.

 

> Still, it wasn’t worth the damage to his blood-pumping organ. The whole thing was a complete disaster.

The tags did say “bad sex” and “loneliness” and this is a FailureArtist fic. What did you expect?

Eridan wanted to abscond right now, but he wasn’t just going to sneak out. That would be rude. He took the polite route instead.

“I’M LEAWIN’ NOW-W!” he yelled as he kicked open the door.

 

> Gamzee lifted his head off the couch to look at Eridan.
> 
> “Wait, hhgg, bro, why you have to be, hhgg, leaving?” Gamzee grunted.

The “hhgg” are because ol' greenie has not stopped thrusting.

 

> Eridan snapped back, “Because MY HOST is too BUSY for me.”

He sounds pissy but he has a point.

 

> The other guest finally stopped his disgusting humping and rolled off Gamzee.

See, ol' greenie hadn't stopped despite Eridan kicking the fucking door open.

 

> Eridan looked Gamzee in the eye. His lip started to quaver.

I imagined this as the look Eridan gave in Kanaya: Return to the Core when he told Feferi he was perfectly fine not being together (lies!).

 

> “I…I enjoyed the moment w-we spent together,” he said, “but I don’t think I can be w-with you.”

Eridan later claims he's flushed for Gamzee but that's to save face.

 

> Gamzee looked sad, if a bit confused.

You got per-emptively dumped again.

 

> The greenblood piped in.

Oh gross man! Go to the hygieneblock!

 

> “Hey g-guys, why don’t we all have some fun tog-gether?” he said.

This dude isn't good at reading the room.

 

> Eridan looked down at what the greenblood offered […]

big honking tonker lol

 

> […] and then his eyes shot over to Gamzee’s softening bone bulge.

Gamzee's bone bulge is always deflating in this story.

 

> “I’m sure our friend won’t mind,” the greenblood added.

Greenie: I could have said that earlier but you were too busy looking at my bulge.

 

> Gamzee did mind.

Suddenly we're in Gamzee's mind for a paragraph!

 

> He didn’t really feel good about having sex with Eridan. It hadn’t been that bad, the ninja could suck some mean bone, but it hadn’t really been that good.

Ninja threw up on your bone.

 

> There had been something off about the whole thing that made him want to crawl into a tin.

Gamzee must have consciously forgotten Eridan called him Feferi. Also again that _Eridan threw up_.

 

> He had felt better when his salty friend came over, but now he felt uncomfortable again. Maybe he needed more sopor slime.

This is the cycle. Gamzee has sex then feels bad about it so he does drugs.

 

> He kissed his partner all over his face and mumbled, “Huh, come on, let’s just get it on and shit.”

With as much passion as he could muster when he was with Eridan.

 

> Now distracted again, the greenblood rolled on top of Gamzee and continued what he had been doing before.

If Greenie was distracted, wouldn't he not be having sex? Nothing distracts him from sex.

 

> Eridan gagged loudly[...]

Not again!

 

> […] and stomped out of the block.

And took his POV with him.

 

> Gamzee stared at the ceiling and honked softly to himself.

And with that sad note, we end this pointless side story.

It would have been more interesting if it was entirely Gamzee's POV. Or maybe nothing could make this interesting.

There is the side side story but I'd rather do the Equius/Aradia story Nightingale since it's more interesting.

 


	24. Revisiting "Nightingale"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: serious injury, rape, yet no emetophobia???

This is the second Equius/Aradia story in the Hot Mess series. It's darker than the first, though that's easy with how pure the first one is. It has a happy ending, if you can call it that.

The title “Nightingale” refers to Florence Nightingale Syndrome, when nurses fall in love with their patients. This never happened to Florence Nightingale and probably rarely happens at all but that's the name.

Summary:

 

> How Equius and Aradia got together in the non-Sgrub AU "My Motherfucking Best Friend". Their relationship wasn't as calm as it appears in that fic.

Vague summary is vague.

Tags:

 

> Dubious Consent, Non-Sgrub AU, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Resolved Sexual Tension

We'll see if the consent is dubious or non-existent later. The romance tag is unnecessary since obviously this is a ship fic.

The story starts off as a flashback in italics:

 

> _Equius gazed at Aradia. She had such an ethereal beauty he couldn’t believe it sometimes._

seriously aradia is a goddess

 

> _And yet she didn’t simply have looks – she was also intelligent and graceful._

hail aradia full of grace

> _She had everything except for highblood, but Equius felt like it didn’t matter now._

Highblood should be two words. Though Equius thinks she needs that in her too.

> _She had the heart of a highblood – literally._

Literally meaning literally in this case. I CANNOT ACCEPT THE CHANGE.

> _Her lowblood heart had given out on the horrible night when her moirail attacked her,_ _[…]_

You might think the Revenge Cycle hadn't happened in this AU since Aradia isn't a robot but it did happened. It just happened in a way that is never explained. The Revenge Cycle tends to be a Noodle Incident in Non-Sgrub fics. I don't think I've seen a fic where it's explained how it happened without Doc Scratch, excluding ones where the twist is Sgrub is real.

> _[…]_ _but now she would never have to worry about her health again._

My headcanon is (or was) that Aradia had some health problem that would have killed her if Vriska hadn't done it first. She spent her life knowing this.

> _She had a metal heart. She could cross the line._

(Metal Heart by Garbage video)

I love throwing in music lyrics in my stories and it totally doesn't distract from them!

> _Now was the time to make his move. He had been unsure of his feelings before, but now he knew_ _he was 100% flushed for her._

Well, he couldn't be any other number, could he?

> _She certainly felt the same way after all the effort he had gone through. It had taken his fortune, several paintings, a loan from Vriska, a deal with an adult troll, a remote-directed medical drone, and lots of metal to save her life._

We don't know if Aradiabot took this much effort in the canon. It seemed Equius had plenty of robots to spare. However, a mechanical heart to go into a living troll is more complicated than a regular robot haunted by a sprite or even a pair of mechanical legs. Hence the adult troll and remote-directed medical drone. Then again, Kanaya installed mechnical legs just fine without either.

> _In return she had consented to a date with him._

This is dubious of course but this is not the part that makes it old shame.

> _“Aradia?” he asked._
> 
> _She stirred in her medicoon._

In “eXperiment Aradia Continuation”, Tavros spends time in a medicocoon (though that doesn't stop him from using his PDA to troll Nepeta until his nurse pumps up the drugs). In my CondyGHB sick fic, GHB is hanging in a _medicoon_. Which way is it spelled? Possibly the non-racist way?

> _He said, “I must confess…I am flushed crimson for you._

That's redundant.

> _Will you do me the honor of letting me…court you?”_

Would even Equius say “court”?

> _Aradia tilted her head as she looked at him._

> _She answered, “Eeyup.”_

Nobody ever answers “yes” or “no” to serious questions.

> _Then she lolled her head to the side and asked, “What direction do socks go in?”_

More dubious consent! Yet we aren't at the really bad part.

Line break! Out of flashback!

> Aradia stared at Equius.

An echo to the first line.

> He looked terrible.

Just “terrible”?

> His body was just lying out here in the field. He was bruised and bleeding all over. He had even less teeth now. His few remaining clothes hung in tatters around him.

There, that's better.

> He was naked and exposed in every way.

He's a whump picture.

> His attacker had vanished, probably not out of fear but simply because he was done with his victim.

If Lupine really cared about Equius, he wouldn't have left him to possibly die. It might have made more sense if Aradia chased Lupine away somehow.

> She was unsure if the attacker was troll or beast.

She couldn't hear Lupine howl out his dialogue?

> She ran back to her hive and got a litter to put him in. It was the same litter she had used to transport Tavros, she thought bitterly.

A plot hole answered! In the canon, we see in the dreambubble memory Tavros communing with a Horsaponi to transport him. However, I think that panel came after I wrote this.

> With her lusus’ help she brought the body back to her hive. She dragged the body into ablution trap, ignoring the blue trail it left.

Imagine dragging Equius around.

> She took out a medical kit and examined the body.

What, does she have a tricorder?

> With her powers she already knew he wasn’t dead, but now she assessed the damage.

Her powers to speak to the dead, that is. If she isn't speaking to his ghost, he isn't dead. She doesn't have any other powers that would help her assess the damage except for being a Goddess.

> When she was through with that, she took a pair of scissors and cut off his clothes.

No, she's not being a pervert. At least, not

> She needed to wash him. She pumped water onto a washcloth and started scrubbing him.

Aradia doesn't have running water, hence the pump.

> Equius stirred. He looked at his caretaker with bloodshot eyes.

His eyes are always bloodshot.

> “Miss…” he murmured.
> 
> “It’s Aradia.”

Miss Megido if you're nasty.

> He smiled big.

8===D~~~

> “I’m in love. Love with you. Will you committing, be my matesprite?”
> 
> She answered,[...]

“It's spelled matesprit.”

> “Eeyup.”

Of course she said “eeyup”.

> He passed out. Aradia paused and thought about her answer. She wasn’t sure why she said that.

It's like the plot demanded it.

> She wasn’t sure why he asked.

Why wouldn't anyone ask Aradia to be their matesprit?

> She continued cleaning him and bandaging him.

And we have a scene change and a POV change.

> Equius woke up to see Aradia sitting leaned against the hygieneblock wall.

Floor-sitting!

> She looked almost as tired as him. She looked at him in that cold manner he had become accustomed to.

Two “she looked” in a row! I don't know which one I should have used.

> “You are finally awake now,” she said flatly, “I found you on the moors near my hive. You were injured. I brought you back here and patched you up.”

And now you know the plot.

> “I know what happened,” he said.
> 
> Her eyes went a little wide.
> 
> “You do?” she said.

Just your standard confessing love to your nurse scene.

> He paused to think about this.

Instead of just blurting out the first thing that came to his mind.

> He asked, “Did I say something before I passed out?”

Aradia: You said “Good” and then “Garp”.

> Her eyes shifted, as if she was unsure whether she should tell the truth or not.

Good thing he got out that book on body language.

> Finally, she said:
> 
> “You asked me to commit to you as a matespirit.”

Obviously our Burgundy Goddess knows the correct spelling.

> He snorted.

[horse snort video]

> “Of horse you do know I was delirious at the time, so my offer does not stand.”

Equius is under enough stress to use horse puns.

> Cold as death, she replied, “I wasn’t about to take you up on it.”
> 
> “Good. I would hate it if I was forced to spend my life with you based on some misspoken words.”
> 
> “It’d be absurd to hold someone on a promise made in such a _weak_ state. I have my _honor_.”
> 
> “I shall find some way of paying you for your care.”
> 
> “You don’t have to. This is no-strings-attached.”

How does Equius not get the irony here?

> She crossed her arms and started pouting.

Aradia: p0ut p0ut p0ut

> Awkward silence fell between them.

Can a comfortable silence ever fall between people? If it's comfortable, it's going to settle.

> Equius looked down and felt more awkward.
> 
> “You stripped me!” he cried.

Took you long enough

> “There wasn’t much to strip,” she replied.

He was out in his Chippendale outfit.

> “You could have put some clothes on me afterwards!”
> 
> “I didn’t think you would want to wear a lowblood’s shirt.”

Why care about his fashion opinion? He was passed out.

> “You could have covered me with a towel!”
> 
> She picked up a towel and threw it at him.
> 
> “There! You love towels, don’t you?”

He has a point. Our Burgundy Goddess doesn't need to be so pissy.

> He just grunted as he placed the towel over his genitals.

How big of a towel was it?

> “Now give me back my glasses. I’m getting a headache without them,” he barked.
> 
> She sighed. “I don’t have any to give you.

Equius' shades slide off while Lupine was raping him but they couldn't have _disappeared_.

> Don’t you have a second pair in your sylladex?”
> 
> “I dropped them while I was in the woods.”

I'm guessing the secondary pair flew out of his sylladex accidentally instead of him taking out his second pair unneeded and dropping them.

Sylladeces sound like a great thing to have but most of the time it seems they just cause grief. It's still odd that they were forgotten sometime during Act 6.

> “What were you doing in the woods? Come to think of it, what were you doing out here?”
> 
> “That is none of your concern.”
> 
> “It is when you get yourself attacked right on my doorstep.”

But you didn't do anything to stop the attack, just like Kitty Genovesse' neighbors...except they did help and that whole story is a misanthropic urban legend.

> Equius looked sheepish.

We're in his POV. He shouldn't know what he looks like.

> Aradia started looking sheepish in return.

Well, she is a sheep.

> She said, “I’ll get you some non-aspirin painkiller and a glass of drinking water.”

No point in her saying “non-aspirin” other than showing she knows not to give blood-thinner to bleeding patients.

Another scene break but still in the same POV.

> Aradia did so.

She's a goddess of her word.

> She also feed him some porridge[...]

You mean porridgemeal?

> […] and then rubbed some sopor slime on him to help him go to sleep and to stop the pain.

What are the painkiller effects of sopor slime?

> She took care of him.

I think we got that from all her actions.

> For the next couple nights Equius recovered and Aradia stayed by his side.

So it's been two nights.

> Things were not warm between them.

As evidenced by the next line.

> Other than a few words, they were silent with each other.

Aradia: Word.

Equius: Word word.

> One day Equius woke up to hear some strange sounds from Aradia.

Even goddesses fart.

“One day” suggests it's been more than two days.

> She was mewling as she rocked back and forth.

It's Nepeta who should be mewling. Aradia should be baaing.

> Her eyes were closed and her cheeks were red.

Burgundy.

> Equius grunted as he pulled himself up to see what she was doing. Aradia’s eyes shot open. He saw that her skirt was hiked up and he finally put two and two together. He had thought it impossible but here she was masturbating!

A goddess needs to get in touch with her inner goddess! Though she really should be going to the shrine in private.

> “How disgusting!” he cried, “Doing such a thing, and in front of a highblüd!”

As if that wasn't your dream...though Gamzee would need to sew your bulge back on afterwards.

> “I wasn’t…I was but there’s nothing wrong with it!” she cried back,

Troper Tale: someone in middle school asked if I masturbated and I innocently said yes and I got hell for it. Still hasn't stopped me from masturbating. Of course, I never masturbated while a guest was sleeping right in front of me.

> “I wasn’t going to pail, either, so it’s perfectly clean.

Masturbating in front of people is a-okay if you don't orgasm!

> And you probably do it too!”
> 
> “I never…”

In "Hungry Like the Wolf", we find out he doesn't intentionally masturbate, he just leans against machinery until he accidentally comes.

> “You’ve probably done it while trolling me!”

I would post that comic (an edit I think) where Equius reluctantly masturbates to Gamzee's trolls, but I'm lazy.

> Equius snorted a denial.

Could have just said “Equius snorted”. The denial is implied.

> He then said, “I didn’t know I excited such…feelings…in you.”
> 
> “It wasn’t about you. I was just trying to keep myself awake. You do know that I haven’t been able to use my recupercoon for days!”

It was really cruel of Condesce to ban coffee. Obviously, the only other choice is to masturbate.

The stereotype is guys feel sleepy after orgasm and woman feel energetic. Not sure if this sexual dimorphia would be present in trolls.

> “That is no reason to do such a thing.

Just bootleg coffee like the rest of the empire.

> Admit to me, you were aroused by seeing my perfect naked form. Admit it!”

His fourteen year old perfect naked form. Sorry to remind you.

> Aradia flattened down her skirt.
> 
> “I won’t,” she said primly.

You can't be prim when you've been caught knuckle-deep.

> “It does not matter, I know the truth. If you planned to seduce me with that lüd display, you have failed completely.”

> “I told you, I wasn’t doing it for you.”

Aradia: I was doing it so the author could write a sexy misunderstanding.

> “This highblüd shall not deign to enter a concupiscent relationship with a lowblüd.”

I guess conciliatory with a lowblüd...I mean lowblood is okay.

> “You didn’t feel that way before.”
> 
> “Things have…changed. I have filled another quadrant. You will have to find someone else to hate.”

Equius: It's not you...it's your blood.

> “When did this happen, my anti-social bigot?”

Anti-social means destructive, not shy. Though Equius is both so never mind my

> Equius looked down. “The night you found me.”
> 
> Aradia blanched.

And I didn't state her emotion dully before or after her showing a reaction? Amazing.

> “I thought…” she stuttered, “I knew you were raped but you were…”

Aradia: ...forced to fall in love by the author? Strange, I think that's happened to me too.

> Equius smiled and looked at the ceiling.
> 
> “I was ravished,” he moaned,

A.K.A. raped A.K.A. dubious consent

> “Most eX-quisitely ravished. His name is Lupine Durand, he’s a blueblüd, and he’s very STRONG.”

Equius: And that's all I know about him.

> Aradia held her hand to her mouth. She felt that she should feel black jealousy. That she should be angry that someone else could hurt Equius more than she ever could.

So when kismesises hear their sourspade has been raped they should think “I need to up my rape game”?

> But she didn’t feel that way. She felt a strong pity that threatened to rip her metal heart. She felt sorry that not only was he hurt so badly, he was psychologically messed up enough to love sex that was destructive even by troll standards. She stood up.
> 
> “Black sex isn’t supposed to kill you!” she yelled.

So she recognizes here that Lupine and Equius' relationship is deeply unhealthy but later she goes along with it.

> “I can handle it.”
> 
> “You would have burnt up in the sun if you hadn’t fucked this guy right outside my window!”

Yeah, why did you guys do that?

> “Language!”
> 
> “I don’t care!”

Should have said “I don't fucking care!”

> “Yes, you don’t care! You’re only doing this so you can eX-tract some sort of reward out of me.”
> 
> “Not everyone thinks like you do.

Troll society probably doesn't have the ideal of charity.

> I can help someone out without making someone sign a contract.”

Aradia: *cough cough* unlike you

> “I did not force you to sign anything. You agreed to a date of your own free will.”
> 
> “I was on my death cocoon!”
> 
> “You could have just died if you found my proposal so dishonorable.”
> 
> “If you really loved me you would have done it for free.”

In canon, Equius seemed to have given Tavros robot legs for free...though he didn't have a crush on Tavros (or did he?).

> “Megido,” Equius said in a patronizing tone, “As a guileless lowblüd you might not have realized this, but everything has a price. I had to make a deal myself with an adult troll in order to get the surgery.”
> 
> “Yes, I know,” said Aradia as she flew up her hands, “you had to apprentice yourself to a filthy tealblood and now you’ll have to build medical drones instead of breaking bows. You’re going to be more happy and successful doing that than you would have been in the force!”

Can you just up and apprentice yourself to someone (especially someone lower than you)? Doesn't the Empire assign jobs?

> “I have spent  millions of credit on you…”

I use credits in many fics because it's sci-fi but I think caegars is the right term.

> “I know you’ve tried to buy my love! That’s all you’ve done! First you sent me little “secret” presents, then you literally brought me a new heart, then you gave Tavros robotic braces only to pull up another price tag, and now you think I’m trying to buy you! Do you think everything can be brought?”

I don't think Equius' problem in the canon was he thought everything could be bought. That sounds more like Vriska.

Also, Tavros is apparently alive and has braces instead of legs.

> Aradia started crying. “And the worse thing, the worse thing is, you never needed to buy me. I was yours before you even spent one credit.”

Why didn't you say yes right away? Oh yes, romantic tension. What was their relationship like before the metal heart deal? I don't think Equius and Aradia had a relationship before the robot body deal. Aradia knows of him and Equius knows of her virtues but did they ever interact?

> Equius stared at her. “Aradia…do you mean it?”

Aradia: No.

> She laughed bitterly. “Do I look delirious to you?

Equius: well, there is that purple circle on your forehead that says “FA”.

> Yes, I love you.”
> 
> “Is it red or black?”

Love means it's red, dickweed.

> “Red. I’m tired of being black.”

Exhaustion: a good enough reason to love someone.

> She fell down on her knees by Equius’ side and hugged him.

Then she cursed because falling onto linoleum knees' first hurts.

> She cried, “You fool! You masochistic fool! I pity you.”

“Fool” is nicer than “idiot” but there's something archaic about it.

Tip for troll incels: get raped, deny you were raped, then the females will be all over you.

> Equius slowly put his hand on Aradia’s back.

Don't bruise her.

> “I…pity you too,” he said.

Don't pity a goddess.

> She whispered in his ear, “Does your offer still stand?”
> 
> “Yes, it does.”
> 
> “Then my answer is…eeyup.”

Not “you had me at hello” but it will do.

The story could have ended here but it goes dark. Not that the narrative acknowledges that it's dark.

> They pulled back and looked into each other’s eyes. The new couple then slowly moved together for a kiss. It wasn’t their first kiss – there had been a few during their mobius reacharound phase – but in a way it was their first true kiss.

 (aradia and equius kissing in canon)

> At first the kiss was gentle, until Aradia started pulling him in. She was rougher than he was.

Impossible.

> After five minutes and a sweat-soaked blouse, she whispered in his ear,

Aradia: you're paying f0r my dry cleaning.

> “I have an offer of my own.”
> 
> She stood up and pulled off her blouse. Equius covered his eyes.
> 
> “Aradia, what do you think you’re doing?” he asked.
> 
> “What do _you_ think I’m doing?” she said sweetly.

Turning a sweet scene gross?

> 1\. He cried, “We cannot consummate our love now! It’s too soon!”

He's right.

That number 1 is random. Some html issues.

> She replied, “How long have we known each other? Two and a half solar sweeps? And how long have we gone through this silly back and forth nonsense?”

2 ½ sweeps is about 5.4 years. They met when they were around nine. That's young for sexual tension.

> “This isn’t right, we’re only si-X sweeps!”

How do you pronounce si-X?

> “Six and a half sweeps.”

Fourteen years old, wow that's so mature how did you wait so long

> “We should wait till we’re mature!”
> 
> “You didn’t wait until you were mature.”
> 
> “I had no choice in the matter! It was forced on me! Oh so STRONGLY forced on me.”

Yeah, he was raped, you dickweed

> Aradia put her hands on her hips, making her breast jiggle a little.

Because it was _so_ important for me to note that she was

> “See?” she said, “If HE could get you on your first date, I should be able to. I’m not going to let some blueblood scum beat me.”

She's supposed to be red for Equius but here she is going “I need to up my rape game”.

> Her skirt hit the floor.

Weighed down with Equius' flopsweat.

> Equius finally gave up and looked at her. She had taken off her underwear beforehand, and for the rest of their relationship he would believe she never wore any.

Is this omnipotent narrator?

> Equius swore, “Oh my God..gosh. Oh my gosh.”

Equius in canon exclaims “god” without apology but that's Hussie not thinking that a character who is Mormon-like enough to think “shoot” is a bad word isn't going to take a holy name in vain.

> “You aren’t so bad yourself.”

Equius: nah I meant you're ugly lol

> Aradia went over and lifted the sweat-soaked towel off of Equius. His bone bulge lifted.

...and flew away from this scene.

Though a wet towel shouldn't have been able to stop Equius' boner.

> He groaned, “I’m too STRONG for you.”

Listen to him.

> She rubbed his bandaged shoulder.

Hands off his injured body.

> “Not in this state,” she said, “And with the sopor slime you’ll last longer.”

Sopor slime: what can't it do?

> She got into the trap and straddled him. Her hand stroked his long wet hair.
> 
> She whispered, “I love you, Equius Zahhak.”

Not enough to actually listen to his complaints though.

So, she has sex with him, even though he hasn't said yes. And said sex is described this way:

> Then she rode his baloney pony until it spewed blueberry sauce. It was very romantic.

Which is a funny line but HE NEVER SAID YES. He's injured and recovering from rape and SHE RAPED HIM. What the Hell, goddess? I could have added him saying “yes” but I didn't. Why????

End

> If you hate the cliche of "confession -> consummation", stop reading after the third "eeyup".

Also, if you hate the cliché of rape as love.

> I just really wanted to put that last line in.

I should have added “Yes,” said Equius in response to the question of whether he wanted to have sex”. Not as clever but still needed.

> 12/8/14: I regret all the rape.

As I should.

That was a terrible story. Even without the rape, the resolution felt weak. She just suddenly decides she loves him even though he hasn't made an restitution for trying to coerce her into a relationship. Apparently she Loved Him All Along which is a hoary cliché. It's like Pride and Prejudice: people think Elizabeth Bennett always loved Darcy but she only loved him after he took the stick out of his ass. As for a book I have actually read, people think the same of Lily and James. It's a better romance when the woman doesn't love the jerk love interest until after he stops being a jerk. Equius can totally not be a jerk. He has potential that the canon never let him have.

Yet that ends the adventures of Our Burgundy Goddess and a guy who has potential. Let's go to the second EriGam story next.

 


End file.
